[debdoes]

It's either me venting on here right now... or I'm going to text him and regret it... Why do I still want him? F--- my life!




THANKS for not caring about me at all! Thanks for getting me hooked on you when I wanted nothing to begin with. I really appreciate how wonderful you were in the beginning only to change and start being an a__hole. Perfect! I love all the money I spent on you, all the things I did for you, and you know, I loved spending hours chauferring you around because you DON'T have a car, let alone your licence! Because I have nothing better to do with my time then to spend 2 hours driving you to work, then home, then pick you up and drive back home till you get your apartment. You're hungry? Sure, let me run out right away for you to go get you taco bell. I'll keep on buying your cigarettes too because you're out of money 2 days after you get paid when you live at home and have NO BILLS. No worries about my mortgage, car payment, school loans, bills, debts, etc... On my way to work and before I drive you home, don't ever offer to run in and get my coffee, I'll do it every time, even when you want something! Also, feel free to let ME pay for your $50.00 M--F 'n cab ride into town so you can drink ON ME all night, and sure, invite your friend and have me pay for his booze all night too. Why not! I'd love to work all night to cover YOUR tabs! Oh... and you don't have money to go out, so sure here's $100.00 because if you can't go out you are going to be grumpy all night. Great! And it's my fault that some dude hit on me in front of you, so of course you should be mad at ME! Because somehow that's my fault. And in your anger, why don't you attempt to smash your computer again because it didn't break the first time you whipped it off your desk. And maybe throw something else because one window isn't enough to break. After you have been working crazy hours, instead of finally spending time with me, you should instead go out with the guys from work because you got paid! Don't worry about the plans we had, I LOVE being ditched. And when that makes me snap and I break up with you because I can't take it anymore, don't try to stop me! Don't try to talk it out with me and see what is up. Instead, let me freak out and then by no means give me any closure. Let me come get my stuff, tell me you still love me... Then what would be really nice is if you call me in your drunken state at 3am only to give me hope, for nothing! Awesome! Then tell me a week later that you have no feelings left for me, I killed it. Right on. And hopefully your uncle will continue to hit on me! Because when we were together and he did, that wasn't enough, he needs to try again when we are broken up. I'm really into jumping to different family members you know!

[a la king]

Let it out sista!

[debdoes]

Had to! I really wanted to send it to him, but that wouldn't be a good idea, just give him more power. Got to let him believe I'm not thinking about him even though I have been stressing all night. It's been 2 months, why isn't it getting better yet? Grrrr

[a la king]

It's been 4 or 5 months for me and I still feel like a turd a lot of the time. You're not alone.

Find those moments that you aren't feeling as bad and enjoy them as much as you can. I had a nap.. woke up and don't feel so bad.. so I'm making the most of it right now.. hah.. because god knows how long this content feeling will last... :)

[Blaze194]

It seems you need to have a real chat with this guy, from what you wrote it seems he is treating you like his personal assistant or something. He should get his priorities straight!

[a la king]

It seems you need to have a real chat with this guy, from what you wrote it seems he is treating you like his personal assistant or something. He should get his priorities straight!

Huh? They are broken up and he treats her like sh!t. Why would she contact him? She needs to chill and get her head back on straight. In time she'll end up with someone that actually cares about her and what she has to offer.

[survivorboi]

Yeah, your obviously very upset. Let it out, don't hurt someone, let it out by writing or something! Its OK to be upset

[Blaze194]

Huh? they are broken up and he treats her like sh!t. In time she'll end up with someone that actually cares about her and what she has to offer.

Oh sorry I misread, I thought she was still with the guy. And I am also sure she will find someone who cares for her instead of her money and car :)

[debdoes]

I did want to talk to him, I needed (still need) closure, but he can't right now. "maybe sometime in the future" he said. The last time I tried to was a week and a half ago and that's when he said he has no feelings left for me anymore, I killed it. I probably did because I was actually really, really mean when I broke up with him, I put him down as much as I could. Such a wrong thing to do, I still feel bad. And all the stuff I posted is true, however he is not as horrible as I made him seem. He was faithful and never said a mean word to me, just started to take advantage of me because, well, I probably let him. I like spoiling my men, and then it just becomes habit. I'm just really frustrated right now so I'm trying to tell myself he is a piece of s--t so I could hopefully stop thinking so highly of him. I'm trying to see things in him that I didn't like, because I know he isn't coming back. Terdball

[debdoes]

a la king... must be nice to be able to nap! I love naps but I can't because I wake up with panic attacks! And I'm soooo tired! At least I can sleep at night, so that's good. I'm OK when I'm busy, but being at home tonight on a Saturday sucks! But again, I have to work in the morning so I don't want to be hungover or anything...

[a la king]

It looks like you're just going to wallow in your misery tonight. I've been there... a lot. I wish I could sugercoat it ;)

Is there anything you can do at home to keep busy? Clean? Draw? Paint? Browse the internet aimlessly? Or are you totally uninspired to do anything at all?

[debdoes]

Yep! Pretty much uninspired to do anything right now! Except text him... :( Which I won't, hopefully never again. I do so well for about a week or 2 with the NC but then once a week passes, it makes me crazy and I end up texting him. It's been 10 days now, hope I can keep it up. Cell phones suck

[debdoes]

a la king, I was reading your post... The part about the little contact that leads you to believe she doesn't give a sh*t. Frustrating, isn't it? That's what I'm thinking. I really want to talk to him, and I have tried, but he won't. He will text me back sometimes, but it bugs me so much that he's gone on living his life, probably happy now, while I'm miserable... I'd like to think that he is missing me a little bit... probably not though, who am I kidding?

[ThatGuy2]

Did you communicate with him? Did you tell him the things that were bothering you in this relationship? Did you just dump him all of a sudden then tell him why without giving him a single chance? Sorry I'm just frustrated because that's what happened to me. I've lost all faith in women.

[kctiger]

Sorry I'm just frustrated because that's what happened to me. I've lost all faith in women.

That is the anger part of grief you are experiencing. I think it is important to note that most relationships do not work out. It is a fact of life, and the "first love" relatinships RARELY EVER work out for the duration of your life. I know it is a hard process to go through, as today is the 4 month anniversary of my break up. I will say, that relationships are all about learning about yourself, and what you want, and almost immediately you realize what you thought you wanted and who you thought you would be compatible with gets thrown out of the window.

Don't ever lose faith in women, or men (for the ladies out there). This is apart of life. People die, people break up, it is inevitable. It is how you handle yourself and also taking the time to realize what you learned that makes you a better person in the end. This also gives us a chance to change things we don't like about ourselves, and to make ourselves a more valuable part of this world. "The world can change, as long as people are willing to change."

Even though we are all going through this misery (which, I might add, is only quantified by the holiday season), there will be light at the end of the tunnel and we will find happiness. It is just whether we accept the fact that happiness lies within us, not in someone else. We have the power, so don't give it to the ex or some other made up person we apparently haven't met yet. Make yourself happy, and let the rest follow. I will be honest, I know from now until February 15th will probably be the hardest time for us, but if we can somehow manage to build a life that matters to us, it will be that much easier. Who is to say that on New Years or Valentines Day, we aren't with someone special... at the very least, that someone special is yourself!

[talaniman]

I know the pain, but you should give yourself credit for handling it in a positive way for yourself. Great vent by the way.

[debdoes]

Thanks! It was really hard NOT to text him last night, but I did make it through another night. I'm really trying to think of the negatives and things I didn't like when I was with him. Although... the positives were more.

That guy... I didn't tell him these things were bothering me until I did break uo with him. And I lost it and snapped and it all came out... very bad thing to do. It was him who didn't give me a chance afterwards, I was so mean he wants nothing to do with me now.

[debdoes]

I feel like I'm going to lose it again!

Happy f'n new year! And happy 2 month anniversary of being single! So pleased that you are probably out having fun with your friends while I'm at home feeling really sorry for myself. I finally had 2 days off work in a row, and I have been sick in bed both of those days with strep throat. Fun! You should be here making me feel better and making me soup. But no, you probably forget who I am. And it's New Years! I'm by myself and sick, and unable to move. Why am I being punished?

[a la king]

I think in time you will see that you are punishing yourself -- all of us who agonize over something out of our control are.. It's normal , of course, and soon enough you'll tell yourself "enough of this sh!t. Let's start living life again".

Hang in there.

[talaniman]

Why am I being punished?

Because your not doing something good for yourself.