[ME-1977]

Hello there.

This is my first time on these types of site but need help and advice. Don’t even know if I am at the right place……

Anyway last year I left my wife and we have a child, the reason for leaving her is because I was never loved by her, but anyway that is not the problem. Then I met another woman and it was love at first site. Now in January this year I made a huge mistake I started missing my child and my old family life that I use to have……why because my child came with me and my new girlfriend on holiday, but after the holiday after I dropped off my daughter at my ex-wife and drove off I stared having an emotional break down. This caused me to start to email my ex-wife and telling her that I still love her and would she ever consider to take me back….. (Now by this point I am totally wrong I know, but that is how I felt at the time). Anyway then my new girlfriend found my emails and as usually flipped out, and it was one big mess…. In February I and the wife’s divorce went through and that was that.
I begged and pleaded with my new girlfriend not to leave me and that I was sorry for what I have done and that she can rest assure that it will never happen again. And then she said OK and then after 3 months she left….I begged her back and she came back……after 3 weeks she was out again because I asked her to leave because I couldn’t handle the way she was with me and blaming me for what I have done after I have explained myself so nicely and promised her that I would never do anything like that again.
Anyway then she came back after I dedicated my life to her and promised her that I would never do anything like that again. She said that is was OK and said that she will take that chance……….But No!! It has been almost a year now since I messed up which I am truly sorry about, but she started saying things like she can not trust me and she doesn’t like that feeling of not trusting me and it hurts just too much for her…. Now I have begged and tried to make her feel special, and promising her that all is good and that she has nothing to worry about, but still she remains to say that I can not be trusted and she will never trust me.
After all my attempts of begging and telling her and showing her how much I love her does she still remain worried and wants me to let her go………I don’t want her to leave and I feel that I am also a person that has made mistakes but surely I have realized what I did wrong and I must forgive myself for what I did wrong, and life goes on, but I also know that I have done everything in my power to make her understand and realize that I am the only one for her and that I want to be with her…………….. why doesn’t she want to trust me?? I am an _ole and don’t deserve a fair and second chance on life or can’t I stop what I have caused?

[artlady]

She can't forgive you and it has become her problem and no amount of verbal reassurance is going to change the way she feels.

Some people can get past these roadblocks and some can't.You need to ask her if she loves you would she rather have you with the past mistakes or not have you at all.

Perhaps she has low self-esteem and feels that it is only a matter of time before you find someone better.

If the wife had said yes come back home would you be with your girlfriend now? She must think she is a second choice.

If you have done all you can than you need to let her go.Perhaps if she is without you for a time she will realize she wants to try again.

You can't force someone to forgive and or love you.

Maybe you could seek couples counseling to answer these problems.

Best of luck!

[awillard]

Marriage trust issues are probably the number one reason for divorce. I have been married 43 years, and believe me it takes both of you to make a good marriage. In this day and age it is even more difficult. My best advice to you and your spouse is to go to a good marriage counsellor. A marriage counsellor saved our marriage and they can do the same for you. You both have to agree to it and stick with it, "it will help". In those 43 years we have 4 daughters and 10 grandchildren. "Don't give up on your marriage."

[450donn]

Let me get this straight in my head. You left your existing family and within a very short period hooked up with another woman?
Mistake number one, is getting involved with another woman so soon. You need to split up with her and live on your own, no dating, no interaction with women for at least a year. It takes at least two years to get your head and heart straight after a failed long term relationship. You simply jumped from one failed relationship to another.
Once you are alone for at least a year, you should by then have figured out what is important in your life and started moving in that direction. If not, then maybe wait two years.

[N0help4u]

Are you saying your girlfriend is with you but not trusting you or not with you and you are begging her to take you back?

I can understand that you were feeling sentimental and the attachments you once had were hurting during the holiday seasons but now it is hard for her to trust you again. If you want her back you are going to have to take it slow and gain her trust back if she is willing to be with you at all.

Do you have court order visitation with your kids?
To avoid further problems you can request exchanges to not be done at her house or even between you and her. You can request that a family member pick up the kids at McDonald's or where ever.

[JBeaucaire]

You can't convince someone to forget YOUR actions.

- You got married, had a kid, then divorced.
- You immediately got into another relationship.
- You respond emotionally/unpredictably to your ex and kid.
- You've kicked your GF out over those emotions.

Those are ALL things you DID. They are real.

The answer you don't want to hear is that to stay with this GF, you will ALWAYS be a doormat to her insecurities, insecurities you helped create.

She can forgive you all day, she can't forget. Guys are what they DO, and she may be smart enough to know that already. So, forgetting is out of the question.

Your choice is simple:

• Stay with your GF and be the dog on a leash the rest of your life (or as long as she hangs around, I don't see this lasting forever)
• Admit you deserve a healthy relationship, take some time alone to get your bearings, then start again with someone who DOESN'T already have permanent trust issues with you.

Choose wisely, but either way, no whining about what the choice made requires of you. Do the work.

[talaniman]

I think its telling, and obvious, your use to hurting others, and expecting them to forget it, and act as if nothing has happened. Your paying the consequences for your actions, and either you learn from them, or keep repeating those mistakes.

Stay out of relationships, until you get over yourself, and get some empathy for others, and realize how your actions, affect them.

If you don't, be prepared for more misery that you will cause yourself, and whomever you deal with.

[ME-1977]

Please Help, But don’t try and judge,, Please!!

Here is the story in a nut shell.

I was involved with a woman for 13 years in total, but here is the problem. Was together at first and broke up because she never wanted any sex for two years. Broke up for about a year but was still emotionally involved. Got together for 6 months, broke up again, had a child, from just having sex the first time (mistake, oopsy) got married divorced after 2 months, and was separated for 2 years. Got back together again, was together 4 years and got married again and stayed together for a total of 7 years…………As I decided that is was the right thing to do for the child. (Although things wasn’t that bad because we managed to buy a house and do the whole family thing which in the end was great) But I was never ever really happy as I felt empty inside.

Until one night, on my 30th birthday we met a woman for the first time ever as she was friends with our other friends and she managed to stay until the end after everyone had left, and things went to far……yes myself and my wife at the time had a threesome with this complete stranger (very decent and nice, person) and according to my wife afterwards it was my birthday present….. (How sick, and yes I did participate in the whole thing, and know that it was wrong).

Anyway but then things after that between me and my wife was never the same because I started growing feelings towards this other woman because she was really nice and all together, and for a lot of other reason things between me and my wife was also a bit shaky and the marriage was held together by a thread. But anyway then one day I decided to leave again and divorce, my wife and she took it actually very good, surprisingly.

So then I got together with this other woman and we had a amazing time, until my wife found out about it…….and you can just imagine what problems started to occur. But anyway myself and my new girlfriend stuck it out and all was fine, and my child of 8 years old totally loves my new girlfriend and they both accepted each other. Ah things were going well and I could'nt ask for a better time in my life until I woke up one day………….. now this is where I need help, either a gun or some magic tablets.

I started missing my old life, and what I mean I started missing my home, dogs, garden, pool, child and yes my ex-wife…?? And this lead me to destruction within….. I started emailing my ex-wife again asking her if we could get back together, because I really missed her and my child, until my girlfriend found my emails…….yes and that was the end of it….. we worked it out but things were never the same afterwards, and my new girlfriend demanded that if we should ever work out that I need to cut all ties with my ex-wife and never ever talk to her again, only by sms’ing each other and she wanted to read all my messages, and that we could only talk if it had to do with my child…. I accepted the new rules but this just made me more sad and angry.

Now I have been divorced for a year now, but have been out the house for 16 months in total, but still I miss my security, which I had with my old life (safe surrounding).
Now my girlfriend has actually left because she says that I have been different and distant and she moved back home to her family and this is where I say I need help.

Today I phoned my ex-wife to tell her that I think that we must get back together, but since I saw her and spoke to her I could feel that it is not really what I wanted and I have been fooling myself, and now I feel and know that my girlfriend was the better option after all, but she wants nothing to do with me now and has asked me to leave her alone………….

What must I do?? I feel so lost and feel like I want to die. I do love my child as a father should and wanted to try and make it work but I know deep down that it is not the right answer, but still I can't forget what I had and today I am really confused between two worlds. Ex-wife or the girlfriend?? Please help I will do anything for good advise.

[JudyKayTee]

You need to speak with a therapist or counsellor - it appears to me that you only want what you can't have. Before you make any more choices (or hurt any more people) I think you need to talk to a professional.

I am additionally concerned because you posted this whole situation 2 weeks ago with someone different "facts," got all sort of good advice - and also some personal observations - and here you are, confused again. No one here is going to validate your choices.

Posts should be combined.

[Choux]

ME, It seems to me that your situation is simply a case of not growing up and facing life as an adult.

Good Luck! :)

[liz28]

First, you need to leave your ex wife alone. It's over and do you know why? Because you wanted it to be, you left not her. You made the decision to leave your ex wife so now you must live with the decision you made.

Life is all about choices. Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes we don't but we have to deal with the choices we make. You left your wife for someone else because at the time the other woman was who you wanted, where is she now?

You can't have someone back because you want them back, life doesn't work that way. You need to focus on the future instead of the past and right now your future is your daughter. You can only be there for her and a dad. The door is closed about you getting back with your ex wife and begging won't help. It will only make things uncomfortable between the two you and you don't want to do that.

Accept that it is over and let go.