[loumbak]

Well, where do I start!

Ok, Ive been with my partner for 1 year now, and we have lived together for about 8 months. Our first few months together were good, although he cheated on me right at the very beginning. I cheated on him for revenge which I know was wrong but we can't change that. I still felt I could at least try and be with him, as he was showing all the signs that he was truly sorry and remorseful.

Although over the last year, he has lied to me a number of times even about silly stuff, but I keep giving in. But now I feel I have come to my wits end.
Basically my problem is his anger and jealousy, which is magnified when he's drunk!
The past month or so, he's broken his hand after getting angry and punching a solid object, he kicked our bedroom door because I locked it after a night of him calling me a sl*t and wh*ore, because other guys were looking at me!

I feel like every time we drink he starts fights with me and I'm over it. I don't think I can handle it anymore. But what gets me is that I feel like he blames me because he says I can stop him getting angry if I just stopped doing what I do.. which is having fun basically. I can't talk to a guy without him getting jealous, I can't dance next to a guy! Heck I even get in trouble if other guys look at me!

He's out of control, and I've tried to talk to him about it, but I just feel like he blames me and that "I can stop him getting angry" I just feel that HE'S the one with the anger problem, so HE should control it! Im not a cousellour or a miracle worker, I do all I can but he just still blames me.

Plus I used to be very easy going and trusting, but his jealousy is rubbing off on me, I think I think that if he gets angry when I do innocent things like talk to a guy (no flirting at all!), then he must be guilty when he does!

I really love him, and when we're not fighting we're so good together, but... I really feel that the anger and jealousy is ruining us and I can't figure how to fix it! I feel like he needs profeccional help, but he says he'll 'try' be better, but to me that means nothing. He says he knows he needs help, yet he doesn't seek it, he feel slike I should be the one to help him, but That's hwta drives me nuts, its way out of my league, I'm border line cracking because I can't stand it when he says I have to fix him!! I can only do so much!

[TrueFaith]

Ok he cheated on you..
Yeah I stopped reading after that was said..

You should have dumped him the second he cheated on you.

Now you are in this mess and you have yourself to blame for it.

Reason why he is acting like this. Is because he can control you.

And you are sad enough to go along with it

When we are not fighting or when he is not cheating on you. You guys are grea together
Well F@#K me sweet heart.. you really need to kick this guy out

Do yourself a favor and leave him.

Once a pathetic selfish cheater
Always one. Point and fact.

[N0help4u]

You need to get away from him asap he is not going to change.
He doesn't see he has a problem so why should he change?
The anger and jealousy has already ruined everything you are clinging onto something that is done and over.
You can not 'fix' or change him or the situation. You are only digging yourself into a deep hole with no out. Stop while you can.
His calling you names is proof he has no respect for you.
You may love him but he has no idea what love is.
Your love can not hold you together when he is doing nothing but destruction.

[loumbak]

Wow no need to be so harsh in the first answer!

I know all this deep down, like my head tells me get the Eff out, but my heart tells me otherwise.

I mean I think I'm also scared to leave you know... like he supports me a lot financially, and along with the breakup Id have to deal with finding a place and all the crap...

Its not me making excuses, its what's reality to me.

Yes he cheated, but IM not to blame! HE cheated.. I didn't go running back to him right away, I laid down the guidelines and what I want to change and yes he has changed... but that's not my issue here.. my issue is his jealousy, and although he cheated, Im the one not to be trusted somehow?

[N0help4u]

He has not changed!
He has simply changed his pattern or outlet of how he is using his control over you. He sees that what he was doing at first wasn't working so then he changed how he is handling YOU for better results. Guys are great at taking the blame off themselves and somehow turning it to being your fault.
You have to realize he is playing mind games with you or you would not feel like you are at the cracking point.
You will keep making excuses for his behavior and he will keep doing more and more passive aggressive things to manipulate you into thinking he is right and you wrong. Wake up.

[loumbak]

So... basically there's no hope and I shouldn't trust that anyone can change?
I believe people can change if they really want to.

How is he controlling me? And what does he get out of it?

Ive never been in love before except with this guys, so I don't know anybetter, but I do know that I never imagined the person I could potentially spend the rest of my life with would treat me like this, that's why I know as hard as it is I need to escape, I feel trapped, and I do know that everything everyone says (including friends etc) is right, but what is making me stay and give in all the time.

Im usually pretty open minded and I can usually see how things are etc, but I feel ike 'love is blind' for me right now... or should I say... love is ignorance. I know that things are just not right, but yet I'm still with him.

Yes he's my first real love, and its hard because I've never met someone who makes me feel the way he does, but I can see that he is so insecure and plays mind games whether he knows it or not...

When he kicked the locked door open, I said I didn't want to be around him so as I tried to get out of the room he blocked me way, so I kept trying to get around him, then he pushed me back, and ever since then I know that no matter how much I want it to work... it cant. It just cant, and it kills me inside to think this person who 'claims' he loves me could possibly treat me like that.

I read these things from other people and I think gee your so naïve, and I feel like one of those people now, but Im not... I know its not right, but I for some reason can't bring myself to leave.

Im angry at myself, and yes, I SHOULD have left him right from the word go, right when he cheated... I WAS naïve back then... and now, I feel I'm in too deep to just leave you know.

[N0help4u]

I believe people can change if they really want to.

but I do know that I never imagined the person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with would treat me like this

The key is IF they really want to.
What do you think he needs to change?
What does he think he needs to change?

WH0 imagines themselves with a guy that is going to treat them bad?

You say you feel trapped and so forth
Write a list or outline of things he says and does that makes you feel anything negative
And I will try and show you the games and how he is manipulating you.

For example how does he make you feel like things are your fault? What does he say?

[loumbak]

Ok, yes... IF... well... I admit its taken longer than it should need to, but part of me see's he has these problems and I don't want to just runaway so that he can do it to the next girl. I feel like I need to help him sort his stuff out, but its becoming taxing on me!

Ok, I think he needs to change the jealousy, I want to be able to go out and talk to a guy without him getting angry.
He agrees with what I tell him and that he knows he has a problem. He thinks he doesn't need to get so angry and that he will 'try' control it... But to me 'try'... its just not being proactive, its like, he says that because he doesn't think he can you know... so rather than saying he WILL, he says TRY just so he can say "I tried", but failed.

I feel ike I have to threaten him with losing me to get any results you know. He has said he won't drink at our party this Friday (which is a big thing, we've been waiting for ages for it), He didn't drink last weekend either and he sober drove us (because the weekend before was the kick down the door incident).

Ok negative things... when I tell him he has an anger problem, and suggest better ways for him to deal with the things he doesn't like... say me dancing next to a guy, he says I should just see he's angry and go dance with him... but in my eyes... I'll turn around at this so called guy dancing near me, and ill see he's about 1-2 metres away! I just think its ridiculous.

Umm, most recent while we've been trying to sort the issues out, I feel like he blames me for his anger because he says that I'm the only one who can stop him getting angry, which to me sounds like... im the reason he's getting angry, but when I get furious at this because it sounds like he's blaming me, he gets angry and says he not blaming me, but just saying that if he gets kicked out of a club that I should go home with him... I feel like if I'm still having fun, I should be allowed to stay, because HE's the one who drunk too much... not me.

He used to realise when he's sober the next day that he's in the wrong and he shouldn't act like that, so I didn't mind, because he saw the errors of his ways... but lately the next day he STILL blames me and says that I go dance with other deliberately etc. Which by the way I don't... Yes I get a lot of male attention, but he notices it more than I do, I don't understand why he can't just be proud that I'm his rather than get jealous and try to fight anyone who looks at me!

[N0help4u]

I just told someone going through the same thing here to read this book. Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward, Book - Barnes & Noble

You can not change him. You can not save himself from himself.
He is controlling you with his making you feel bad about yourself and obligated to making him happy and concerning you with his happiness. If you really loved me you wouldn't dance near another guy, you wouldn't talk to another guy, you would be trying to please me, etc...
He can't accept that you are with him because he wants more, he wants you to be what he wants stripping you of your individuality.
How can he love you when he wants to take the you out of YOU?

[talaniman]

Get a job and support yourself, then build a life, and get healthy, and happy about yourself.

If it takes going to a shelter, or social services, do something for yourself, as its pretty dumb to me, to be dependent on the good graces of a lying, cheating, abuser.

Don't let him drag you down any further, as as good as it is sometimes, it gets worse.

[HistorianChick]

Yes, you need to get out of there.

But, you also need to work on your character issues - he cheated therefore I cheated. If you are to have a healthy relationship ONCE YOU LEAVE THIS LOSER, you have to deal with that.

But... one issue at a time. Get out of there. Leave him. He's a danger to your health. Get out and never look back.

[Be_Strong]

Hunny I know exactly what you mean... Love is blind!! your head is telling you something and your heart is telling you another... which you listen to... U only know what u have with him.. U have good and bad times and sometimes u seem to remember the good and forget the bad.. I am in no shape to give u answers but when u love someone its different... Everything happen for a reason...