[phil1129]

My wife is friends with a guy. They met about 10 years ago at the gym, he's from our area, and have friends in common. I never met him, though he knows of me. He is also married.

My issues are: I've never met him, and when he and my wife met at the gym to work out, my wife asked him if his wife knows that they were meeting, and he said that he couldn't tell her.

That was a few years ago. Last weekend, while out with her friends, my wife ran into him. Since then, he has called her three times, with no real reason. I think we could assume that his wife doesn't know that he's calling my wife.

Now, mind you, I do have female friends; all of which I work with. When I suggest to my wife that her friendship with this guy may be inappropriate, considering that he's friends with her behind his wife's back, she doesn't seem to care, and says that I have female friends (all of which have met my wife) so what's the difference.

Maybe it's just my insecurity (we've recently had relationship trust issues - more my fault than her's) but it's affecting my thoughts. Why is this guy friends with her? I do trust my wife, I don't think she's interested in this guy; but what does this guy want?

[jakester]

dear phil -

My feeling is that these kinds of situations are problematic any time that a relationship outside of the marriage (friendships I mean) causes tension in the marriage.

To me, because you personally have enough reasons to feel uncomfortable—you cited examples of how this guy is very secretive towards his wife about his friendship with your spouse and how he calls her randomly—your wife should not trivialize your concerns and defend her friendship with him on the basis that you have female friends, too. The issue isn't that you have friends of the opposite sex and you are unfairly holding your wife to a double-standard (meaning that she cannot have male friends), the issue is that you are personally uncomfortable with the way that this guy behaves towards your wife and towards his own wife... you have good reason to question his character on those grounds, I think. Moreover, your wife needs to take a step back and seriously evaluate the situation for what is really is.

Phil, you mentioned that you have had trust issues in your relationship before and that you blamed yourself for those issues. Fine, at least you are able to recognize how you have negatively impacted your own marriage. It seems like now is the time to face the reality of your situation and that is that you and your wife have significant issues. I don't know what your trust issues are and what you have done but it seems that if you don't seek help in your marriage, things are going to get worse. I don't know whether your wife is being unfaithful with this man but when things are bad in a marriage, people begin to seek what they want outside of the marriage. From the outside looking in, the kind of relationship your wife is having with this man is the kind that can lead to problems and I'd hate for that to happen. If I were you, I'd have a serious heart to heart with your wife and attempt to work out some of your issues but perhaps the place to start is communicating to your wife that you want to work on building her trust again. If you launch into her about how inappropriate her friendship is with this man, it might have a negative effect. You have to be able to humble yourself and approach your wife in a gentle way to let her know that you want her trust and are willing to work on it; ask her to consider your feelings about this other man and how uncomfortable he makes you…she has to be willing to see how this affects you not because of the double standard issue I mentioned before but because you are concerned for a very good reason: “why would any well-intentioned man keep secrets from his own wife about his friendships and call upon the wife of another man?” Something does not add up.

I wish you all the best, Phil. I sincerely hope that these things can be worked out in your marriage…it's not an easy road for anyone, my friend; we certainly need the help of committed and good-intentioned friends. I hope this helps a little.

[phil1129]

Jakester,
Thank you very much for your response. I had an inappropriate text messaging relationship with someone at work. My wife generously worked through it with me, and we both seek counseling because of it.
A few months after, a male coworker of hers sent her a text message which was extremely sexually graphic. Her reply to the text was caual, as if she was used to this sort of stuff. When I approached her, she said that she also thought it was a bit extreme, but the banter with her in the office with the guys she works with is sometimes somewhat x-rated. She apologized profusely and avoids those conversations now, though the guys at work don't know that I know. She says that she allowed it to get to that point, though nothing physical ever happened with anyone.
Since then, I am extremely concerned, and the phone calls that my wife is getting from her gym friend is making me uncomfortable to say the least. And I swear, I do believe my wife would be faithful, it's the guy's intentions that bother me.
If I approach my wife, she gets defensive, and brings up my text situation with my coworker. Then I get yelled at until it passes.
My problem is, I don't want her to end it because I force her to. I want her to understand that the guy who is calling her may not be on the "up and up". And she shouldn't invite him to meet her and her friends out on Friday night at the bar (which she did and she told me about it) when his wife doesn't even know that they know each other.
Since we've been getting through our last transgressions, I've rededicated myself to this marriage and family like never before. I just feel like I may not be getting back what I'm putting in.

[jakester]

Phil -

I understand what you are saying. In short, let me respond to your one comment:

"I just feel like I may not be getting back what I'm putting in." I'm sure it feels that way and for the time being it is probably true. However, you may have to give it some time for your wife to arise to the same level of effort that you claim you are giving to your marriage. Just keep persisting in doing good and continue to work on being honest with your wife and building her trust... right now, that is your job, I think. You can't change her heart but you can work on how you treat your wife and respect her... my hope is that the longer you keep loving her and treating her with respect, eventually she will come around... you kind of have to win her heart back again because of your previous transgressions.

You know what, I highly recommend a movie that I think may have a good perspective on these types of issues. It's call Fireproof. Check it out... it may be on DVD by now.

Again, I wish you well, man. Don't give up even if it feels like right now things are not going the way you'd like... it may take some time and you have to dig down real deep and keep doing what's right.

[Starbucks21]

I'd ask to meet him. What's the harm in meeting him. He may be attracted to her and she doesn't realize it. I've been in that situation where it's I think he's just a friend and deep down he wants much more. Tell you're lovely wife you are just being a little insecure and you are scared the guy wants more in her. She's a very attractive woman and any guy be crazy not to want her in that way. ... I'm sure that's how you feel about her.

If meeting him doesn't go well tell her what you see. If meeting him does go well then it was a false alarm but you now have a little more security.

By the way I'm a woman and we women like men to tell us how they feel. We can't read minds :(

[phil1129]

I said that, if he had at least met me at some point, just enough so I could say hi if I see him, it would be a start to a resolution. Kind of like having a date meet your parents first, it puts that person on a realization that he, at least, knows that I know the situation.
My wife does happen to be very attractive, and when I said that if she was fat and unattractive that this guy wouldn't be calling her, she kind of smiled in agreement.
I've been very open with my wife on this, I just don't want to start an argument if I'm being paranoid. Starbucks, do you think that I'm looking into this too much?

[phil1129]

I met with my therapist last night. He suggested that, because of the difficulties we've been having, and because I truly believe that my wife has no romantic interest in this guy, I should just let it be. He believes that I'm just putting more of a strain on our relationship by bothering her with this.
I then asked him what he would do if he was in my situation. He said that he would tell his wife not to take any phone calls from the guy.
Now, I understand that my relationship has been a little tenuous lately; but am I supposed to just accept this guy calling my wife and behave like I don't care?
I told my wife what the therapist said. I told her that he would not let his wife talk to the guy, but that because of our situation, I should just let it rest.
I hoped that she would've taken the hint. That she would've understood my side and just decided that she would ignore the calls from this guy. It didn't happen that way. She was very supportive, but just said that I have nothing to worry about.
I just don't like the fact that another guy is calling my wife behind his wife's back. I don't like that if effects me this way, and my wife just lets it, as if her accepting the calls from this guy is more important than my emotional well-being.
I don't believe that I'm being irrational here. I think that if our relationship hadn't been going through these problems, this would bother me just like it is now. I think that any husband in my situation would feel the same way. I am frustrated as hell.

[DoulaLC]

Your relationship now has a history of mistrust, so naturally you are going to be more sensitive to anything that invokes a red flag for you. Your wife should really question why this guy is keeping his friendship with her a secret from his wife. She has been in that position herself, so she should know what it feels like and I would think would be somewhat sympathetic to his wife.
Maybe your wife is enjoying a little bit of payback, perhaps without realizing it... maybe she truly sees this guy as just a friend and doesn't see a problem with it... but given the recent past with what has happened, I would think both of you would be going out of your way to rebuild the trust in the marriage.
Maybe give it sometime, continue to be loving and supportive of her, try not to bring the issue up, and the friendship will likely run its course. Certainly voice concerns if you feel they are merited.

Everyone goes about things in a different manner, but personally, if something is that upsetting to a spouse, causes potential harm to the marriage, and wouldn't be any big deal to give up, I don't understand why she would continue with it.

[jakester]

I think your therapist is giving you a rash of bad advice. At the very least his advice to you is inconsistent with his own feelings of what he would do in a similar situation.

For what it's worth, if I were you, I would not let it go because if you both are going to move forward in your relationship, there can't be inappropriate relationships threatening what you are trying to rebuild. You owe it to your marriage to let your wife know how you feel—her relationship with this man is not helping matters.

Lastly, if I were you, I wouldn't meet the guy. I have to wonder if deep down you are incredibly pissed at this guy... dude, if you have any soul, you should be outraged. If it were me, my first instinct would be to want to rip that guy's head off... but the rational side of me would have to really calm myself down. But if you are insistent, perhaps you could meet him in a very public place and explain to him that you do not want him contacting your wife anymore and appeal to whatever sense of morality this guy has.

Beyond that, I don't know... it's up to your wife to put an end to it, I think.

[Premier666]

Not cool. Sorry to say, but guys only think of one thing. I would want to meet him sooner than later and ask him what his intentions are. If he is cool and says that they are just friends, ask him why his wife doesn't know about her. Be careful... and be aware

[smgrrr1987]

So I am a female in the same situation. I have a guy friend who has reciently became my best friend. My husband just did prison time and while he was gone I got used to my privacy. So I now have allot of friends that he does not know, when before I had none. I want to keep my newfound social life, but my hustband thinks something is going on. There's NOT

[Jake2008]

For heaven's sake, why don't you just arrange to meet the guy!

Go to the gym, sit in the lobby, and wait for your wife. Tell her you thought you'd surprise her and take her out to lunch/dinner. Ask her to introduce you to her 'friend'.

Ask your wife to ask her friend AND his wife over for dinner.

If it is purely innocent, which I don't think it is, she wouldn't hesitate to introduce you, or have them over for dinner.

If she puts up a fuss, and is defensive, then she has something to hide in my opinion. And so does the friend.

With so many people playing games here, it is hard to tell what is honest and upfront and what isn't.

The friend doesn't tell his wife he works out with another man's wife at the gym regularly. Red Flag!

The friend cares not that you are bothered by this friendship, and keeps it going regardless. Red Flag!

With your wife participating in the secrecy with his wife, that too is a Red Flag.

I suspect that the friends wife would not take kindly to her husband meeting up with a woman under any circumstances, at least without her knowledge.

I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this. Too many secrets.

[I wish]

This question was posted close to a year ago.

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