[ladyems]

I'm in a really stupid situation. I separated from my partner of 6 years almost 2 years ago. I was devastated and knew I couldn't stay near him immediately following the break up so I worked abroad for a year and a half. Now I've moved back to where my ex is living (we have many mutual friends and I didn't want to be separated from my friends anymore). I thought I'd sorted a lot of things out, but now realise being in this area is bringing back so many memories and I have a lot more to deal with. This is fine, it's natural and I know I'll get through it. The real problem is that I met a guy who became part of my group of friends while I was away. I met him 6 months ago when I came to visit and we've been emailing and phoning each other ever since. Things escalated and he offered to let me stay with him while I sort out getting a job and flat etc. This seemed a good idea when I was away, but now I'm back and living with him and realise I'm terrified of starting something new and I don't even think I'm properly attracted to him. I feel like I've led him on and lied to him (but during the emailing phase everything was completely genuine). Now I'm staying with him and he's getting really clingy, but I don't want it. I don't know how to let him down gently (I really want to stay friends). It's kind of difficult because I can't find somewhere else to stay, so I have to wait until I get a job before finding my own place. I wish I'd known I was going to feel like this, but hindsight doesn't help me in this situation. Any advice?

[fredg]

Hi, ladyems,
Thank you for asking a question here, and Welcome to the site.
I am sure you will get many answers to your question.
If you can't move out right now, it seems you have to just make the best of a bad situation. There is no way you can just "let him down gently". The best thing is to have a talk with. Explain that you are friends, and that it can't go any farther than that.
Tell him you don't have "real love" feelings for him, and really do want to be his friend.
The only other option you have right now, is to just keep "dodging" his advances, and try staying away from him. If he is "clingy", then just try ignoring him, tell him you want some time by yourself. It's really difficult to know what to do, if you have no other place to go.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[talaniman]

The way I see it you have to get over the guilt and if you can't move (and you should) then you have to sit down and tell this guy the truth! Now how he reacts is any ones guess. But you must be honest!

[Northwind_Dagas]

As others have said, honestly is the best policy. If you don't have feelings, let it be known NOW, not later. If you tell him after you are ready to move out, he will feel like you used him for a place to stay. I doubt he would want to continue a friendship after that.

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't mean this to sound harsh but please consider somewhere else to live before you tell him, for your own sake. If he handles your news badly, you may suddenly be without a place to live and I imagine you will need to move regardless. Do whatever it takes - call on other friends or borrow money if necessary. This isn't the kind of arrangement that is likely to turn into two friends being roommates. He may offer to make some sort of valliant attempt but friends don't ask for these kind of efforts from their friends - its putting him totally on the spot. You need to move so you aren't taking advantage of him. If he ended up posting here about his hurt feelings and a situation driving him crazy, frankly we would likely advise him to get this lady out of his house asap.

It is because of these kinds of sticky situations that, after a break up, many women tend to hang with women and men with men while they go through a period of adjustment. I am not saying men and women can't be friends, but rather the vulnerability after a break up makes for rebound relationships far too easily. Tie that to some living arrangements and it gets really messy.

Good luck and keep being true to yourself.

[ladyems]

Thank you all for your replies. Actually, since I posted my dilemma I've asked some friends to help me find another place to stay. This, I know is the only way I can reduce the pain he will probably feel. I also already started to tell him that my feelings don't match his, but I was too cowardly to finish it off (partly because of the living arrangements). Anyway, I think he has an idea of my feelings. After reading the advice posted here I think I now have a better idea of what to say to him. Valinor's comment about sticking with same sex friends after a break up is especially important to me, and I have been reconnecting with my female friends here. I think I can point out to him that, while I did a lot of this stuff while I was away, I need to continue sorting out my feelings now I'm back as well. Thank you all for helping me find a clearer path.

Light and love.

[valinors_sorrow]

Always nice to hear when something gets resolved here. It's especially gratifying to know if our suggestions have been taken too. Thank you. Take all the time you need to sort, learn, heal. Pain can be transformed into some amazing things and you sound like just the woman to do that.

(hug)