[turtleneck123]

She texted me today saying she sent me a check for booking the flight and was bored at work, but I didn't respond. She also imed me, why I was ignoring her, said I wasn't, and then she tried seeing how things were, I had a few short responses and signed off. I don't want to kill my chances if there are any left, but I feel like I have to do this to move on.

[thadevilsadvocate]

The more you communicate, the more you kill your chances. You are not in any way saving anything by communicating. You have to remember, all she is thinking about if her actions, not yours. You however, are thinking about what she is going to think about what you do. You are living your life for her and not for yourself. Trust me, if she really wants you (like a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with should), then she will do whatever it takes to be with you. Cut off the communication, and then over time you will see how she really feels. If she does whatever it takes to be with you, then you know that she is the one, but if not then, well that give you the answer as well. You are being weak right now, and you need to be stronger than ever.

[turtleneck123]

She imed me about 10 times today. Starting small talk, but I didn't respond. She said she kneew I was there, this and that. Later on she imed me to say that he passed her cpa this and that. She then said o I guess you want to play the ignore me games and sorry just wanted to tell you what happen. She went through a tough time during it, so I felt bad to not say congratulations and did about ten minutes later, and also said I didn't see the messages, when I truly did. She said thank you and signed off. Should I have just completely ignored her? I did except for the congratulations and don tell me I'm playing games, I didn't see them. I didn't say anything else and I won't. I guess I should continue no contact an if she comes to the point where she says she wants to be together, then I have to think about it, if it ever happens?

[kctiger]

You see what happens when you respond? Now you are the one who is left with questions. She simply said "thank you" and logged off. Now, you are the one in limbo. Ignore, and delete!

[turtleneck123]

When would I ever know if it was right to respond back?

[kctiger]

You won't, and that is why you shouldn't. It is confusing huh? Just ignore and move on. For right now, you need not worry.

[kctiger]

You will never NEED to respond to her. Need is all a matter of mentality. You may think you NEED to respond to her, buy you NEVER need to. It is up to you.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Take a second and break down what happened when she imed you...

First she writes you and you don't respond.

Second, then she writes you more because she wants to know why you aren't responding.

Thirdly, at this point she is really not sure what is going on because she is so used to having you just respond to her whenever she wants. (having cake and eating it too sound familiar)

Fourth, she starts to say that you are playing games because you aren't responding... well the simple fact is, she has to say that now because she knows that is what will get to you and well surprise, surprise, she doesn't like her own medicine.

Fifth, she is starting to see that she is not in control and doesn't like that so that is also why she wrote the "playing games" comment.

Sixth, she was using this whole cpa thing as an excuse to get in touch with you. Who cares whether she had a tough time. She gave you up and therefore she can go share that news with all the other people in her life.

Lastly, she finally breaks you down, and you respond and now she still knows that she has control of the situation if feels good to her. You are mistaking her need to ease her conscience with her actually caring.

I am not here to piss you off or hurt you in any ways, he! I am here to help you. EVERYONE ON THIS SITE REPRESENTS THE EYES THAT CAN SEE WHAT YOU CANNOT SEE BECAUSE YOU ARE BLINDED!

You need to cut off all communication. ALL COMMUNICATION! NO RESPONDING, NO MATTER WHAT! You see how she was being when you didn't respond to her? She didn't like the idea that you were actually being a man and that you weren't going to be a part of her BS and her games. Then when you communicated she got what she wanted, and then was gone. If she wants a congrats from you, then perhaps she should have rethought her previous decisions.

I'm trying to help you here, and trust me, I will. But you have to start listening. Once you start that, you will begin to see these things for yourself as well.

[turtleneck123]

You're right, just having a tough time because I keep thinking to myself what if she realizes she messed up? Honestly, because it has been more than a few days, Im not ruling out that I would get back with her, or should I just force myself if the opportunity arises and I want it, not to be with her?

[thadevilsadvocate]

Continuing to stay in contact with her will only worsen your chances of you two getting back together... but the whole point is, you NEED to not even think about that right now. You need to see it as done. She made a decision to do her own thing for now, and SHE made that decision. Now, YOU need to make a decision for YOU, and do your own thing. Stop even worrying about whether you will get back together. You can't make her want to get back with more, but you can make your chances worse, by continuing to communicate with her. The term, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" didn't just appear out of nowhere. Believe in that. Plus, with that absence, you enable yourself the time to start doing things for you and you enable yourself to start healing, and don't be surprised if during that time, you start to notice how screwed up her decisions are. So give up on the what if's... the point is that it is over for now. You go about your way, and if she ever decides to come around, then she can catch up with you then. Don't think about what she is doing, or what she is thinking or what could happen if you do this or that. She isn't thinking about that right now, and she is the one doing the decision making. Start being the one in control here and take care of yourself. Responsibility and knowing who you are and not being afraid to back that up and put your foot down, are some of the most admirable and attractive traits that we as man can have. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you will start healing.

[turtleneck123]

She called, iming me again too. I haven't responded. What could she possibly want? And want will tell me if she wants to get back? I feel like I'm just playing a game with her

[turtleneck123]

I'm having a hard time justifying not responding back at all because it hasn't even been a week since she said she needed time. Yesterday she began trying to contact me, mainly aim, and then once by phone later on at night, and then back to aim to say she called but wasn't sure if it went through. I just don't want to be on bad terms because as of right now I will be visiting her in a month, as long as nothing happens i.e.. Her and another guy. I want to see her and hope it does happen, but I couldn't be shocked if something did. Should I just respond if she contacts me again and say, I can't talk to you until you have what you want figured out? And then go one with myself? I understand the no contact when its bad terms or been awhile, but its only been a few days and the only bad term b/t us was "her needing time." I just feel like I'm jumping the gun, but she probably doesn't even know what she wants

[thadevilsadvocate]

Your frustration with understanding not communicating is normal. Let me lay it out in front of you in a clearer way so that you can see it easier...

She wants her space to think about things. This is what she has told you. So, you grant her space. The point here is that there is more that she is not telling you. She doesn't need to take any space, when this is a long distance relationship to begin with. This is an easier way for her to either let go and let you down easy, or to have the opportunity to see what else is out there, and keep you stringing along in case it sucks.

So, what do you do? You give her space. Why is she calling you and trying to get ahold of you? Because she wants to have her cake and eat it to. She wants to have that attention from you to know that she is still wanted, while she does her own thing without having to be responsible for giving you attention.

You see, she wanted space, and you are giving her what she wants. It's not a concern to you whether she likes it. She didn't really care what you thought about her taking space did she? It's not that it's a game you are playing, but instead, you are just giving her what she wants, space. She is the one playing the games.

You are doing what she asked, and this is a point in which you will see how much she really loves you, because if you doing exactly what she asked, is reason enough for her to just give up, then that is showing you the real side of her, at her own expense. You haven't jumped any gun here. I can't say it enough, but you have done exactly what you need to do and exactly what she asked.

As for whether you should contact her or not, you don't need to do that. She already knows that. Remember, she is the one that asked for the space... so she is well aware of this already. This is why you need to stop worrying about wondering if anything you do is going to jeopordize your chances with her. You need to do things for yourself right now.

[turtleneck123]

Thanks, that was a great post. The only edge I think she has right now is that she knows I plan to come up to where she is in a month, as long as she isn't involved with anyone else. More or less I am just going to have fun, whether its with her or not, but at least will be with my friends, and she paid for half the flight, so its very cheap. I will have to contact her a few days before I go up, but that's still a while from now, I just think she may know that and because she is stubborn and I doubt would ever swallow her pride, she will probably just wait to hear from me. But that shows a lot about her character. If anything though, I am just sticking to the mindset that I didn't do anything wrong when I go through those moments when I doubt ignoring her, even though she has only called once in the last 5 days, sent two texts. Since we broke up she has been trying to contact me through aim everyday, but I stopped going on or put up an away message if I need to be on.

[turtleneck123]

She sent a few texts today, telling me how she is getting out of work early and asking about my finals... still not what I'm looking to hear so I've continued to ignore her. Good idea or no?

[LifeChangesMan]

If she's contacting you that's already a plus, I would handle it now how you'd like to because I'm in a situation my girlfriend left me after 4.5 years and hasn't spoke to me in weeks, and if she started texting or calling me, I couldn't even tell you how I'd react, I'd say follow your heart kid.

[talaniman]

still not what I'm looking to hear so I've continued to ignore her. Good idea or no?

Make up your mind, and drop the games. Ignoring someone because its not what you want to hear is a selfish game, that will get you confused, and frustrated.

Forget false hope, and wrap your head around getting your own act together without her.

Ignoring her will push her away, and really that's what you want, if your moving on.

So what are you doing?? Moving on, or trying to influence her into changing her mind, and taking you back?

[turtleneck123]

I should need to influence her to get her back after 3.5 years. I told her when she knows what she wants or doesn't need anymore time, let me know. Now she's asking why I am ignoring her. I thought I should begin to try and move on and then if she ever decided she wanted to be wit me figure it out? Small talk w/ her just leads me on that something will happen, when it probably won't. I texted her back finally (long message) after she asked why I was ignoring her and told her how I felt, asked what she expected when she said she needed time. I told her it only will lead me on and give me false hope of things. We'll see if she responds back.

[turtleneck123]

Talked to her and now I'm completely confused again. Seems that the hope of being together again is reemerging on my part, which takes me back to where I was a few days ago. I told her I could not keep talking to her if we weren't going to be together at this point, it would only give me false hope. I also said to her that she told me she was open to meet other guys and she denied that, saying she wants to be alone for right now. I also said that it seems like you don't want to get back together ever again and she denied that as well. She seemed to put it on me if we didn't get back together. She said she knew and wanted to be back with me after her time. She also was telling me how she has potential good news, that if I come up, she got off work one of the days during the week I am there. She said she doesn't think it is a good idea for me to ignore her (obviously, whether she wants to be wit me or not), but would understand if I did. She said all the stress and fighting recently has led to her needing time because she couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what to believe. She could easily be playing me for a fool or being honest with me and does need some time for everything to cool off. She said it has been hard not talking to me, as I said also. She also said again, that all she wants is for me to be there where she is living, but she knows and we have had this conversation. Many times, that it won't happen for at least another year and a half, where I once again said, if you can't be in a relationship like that, just tell me.
I'm not trying to convince her of being with me again whatsoever. I feel like she needs to make that decision on her own, w/o any influence from me.
I don't know how to handle this anymore, as you can all tell. I really don't want to make that mistake and blow her off when she is being completely honest and faithful. I will be seeing her in a month unless something bad occurs on her part and I feel like maybe this time thing for her now until she sees me could lead to a fresh start. But, that may not be enough time for her. I just feel like having the attitude and impression that we are going to get back together will only set myself up to be hurt even more, so I think I'm going to just keep convincing myself that this probably won't work out, its possible but unlikely, so I don't keep having false hope if it turns out not to work. I'm also not sure if talking with her is such a great idea because I don't want to start thinking I'm dating her and expecting to hear from her everyday, when we aren't together. Maybe talking not regularly, on impulse would be better? Like I have posted before, I don't want to possibly push her away if she is being honest, but I also don't want to set myself up to get hurt again if she's lying.
I love the girl to death and really want this to work out sometime soon, but like you all said, I need to live for me and not be miserable/depressed. Any suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated

[kctiger]

I can't give you any feedback. I know it is hard and all I can do is offer my support. I have been broken up for three months now, but the sadness and missing my ex feelings are really creeping in as the holidays approach. I just want you to know that I am here for you and understand how rough this is. It is apart of life. I am no expert on relationships, so I will leave the advice to the experts. Good luck, and have a great Thanksgiving.