[itried]

I was in a relationship with a girl that I thought the world of for around 6 years and we lived together for 3. Recently I went on a trip and while I was gone she took all of our stuff and moved out, leaving me with nothing but my clothes. She had been contemplating breaking up in order to deal with issues from her past (she was molested and was seeing a psychiatrist and was medicated). I knew that I wasn't the worlds greatest boyfriend but I was far from the worst. In fact, the main reason I loved her was because she had been through all this and I didn't think she would have been the person I loved if it didn't happen so it was a catch-22 situation. I really tried to not put her in any situations which would cause her to think that I was like these men who had mistreated her in the past and consequently our love life suffered and along with it other facets of our relationship. This was very frustrating for me but I never even thought about going elsewhere to fulfill this need. I really thought that this was a testament to how I felt about her and so I was very proud of myself. She initially wanted to take a break to have some space for herself but I instead told her that it has to be over. I immediately regretted this decision but she decided to move on right after I said this. I have sacrificed so much for her and completely neglected myself in many ways because I thought she would eventually feel better about her past and I would be a reason for this. We didn't speak for around a month and then we started spending time together for around a month afterwards. She then decided that she needs more time alone and that perhaps she wants to find someone else. Im not upset with her but instead I am kicking myself. When she first told me about the abuse I never thought twice about leaving her but instead decided to carry her baggage with her because I really loved her and never met a woman like her. I thought that she was the one for me and decided to make a commitment to never ever hurting her and doing my best to deal with her problems even though in the back of my mind I fully expected something like this to happen. Im the only guy she has ever told this to and one of her friends told her that she should basically never tell her next boyfriend because it will cause problems if she does. I think that she wants to be with a guy who doesn't know all this so that the problems that we had won't exist. I hate to think that her next boyfriend would value her less if she told him, when her value went up in my eyes after she told me. That is what really torments me because I know that I actually do care about her more than I did myself and probably more than any other man will. I guess my question is: Even though I still madly love and care for her should I just forget about her?

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Well here's my short opinion.

You should act like she is never coming back. Holding out for her return will do nothing but prolong your sadness. Leave her alone and move on with your life and if she comes back to you, than you can decide what you want to do. Like you said, you have neglected yourself in this relationship (and I commend you on helping and going through this with her) but its time to make yourself number 1.

All the best

[Romefalls19]

I agree, don't ever put your life on hold waiting on someone else. Life will pass you by, each day will still go on, so live your life to the fullest. If she comes back, she does, if she doesn't you have already faced the days without her so it shouldn't be a big deal

[kctiger]

Right you are gentlemen. Prepare for the worst! Unless you want to do like I did and live in pain slamming your head into a brick wall daily. That sounds fun huh?

[talaniman]

I admire that you cared so much, and sorry for your loss. Be proud of doing the right thing, as it surely did help a lot, but its your time for you now, and if you put the same love, and care, into you, as you did her, you will be better for it.

This is your time to learn, and grow yourself. Do that, you deserve it.

[LifeChangesMan]

Live your life for you now, everyday is just about you now, and the sooner you put her behind you the sooner you will forget about her, live your life now, or it'll pass you by real quick.

[itried]

Threads merged

I know that I might be making an overgeneralization about this but, it seems to me that not many people end up being with the person that they really want or love. I feel that we mostly modify some of our feelings and call them love in order for our lives to fit a certain script. And also the word love itself has lost its edge because of overuse and how we apply it to almost anything we kind of like. The enemy of love is life and we always put life (or whatever romantic notion we have about it) first even though eventually we realize that it is all meaningless because you do not have your true love. Everyone says to move on while fully realizing that it is impossible to because eventually it will all come back to haunt you. I have given pure, true unconditional love twice before and lost it due to circumstance. Not the hollywood, lusty, sappy type of immediately gratifying love driven solely by self interest, but the type that was completely unconditional and grew through exploration of the other persons life which made me want nothing but the best for them and then turned into respect and me wanting to do nothing but honour them. This occurred to the point where I can say that I honestly never expected anything in return. I worked hard to be a man and had to make some tough decisions to make my love see that I actually cared about her and was not there for superficial reasons. I treated them in the way that I wanted to be treated. These two incidents have broken me and now my reservoir is completely dry. I see people as completely selfish above all else.

I guess what I am trying to ask is: If you see the world for the way it is rather than how you would like it to be, is it possible to ever be truly happy in love? Or are we all just making the best of whatever wreckage we find along the way?

[ImTotallyLost]

I haven't been so devastated to actually get to a point where I would get so cynical, but I think I see what you are talking about.

And I think that, in a way, we are all making the best of whatever we find along the way. But I don't see that as a bad thing. I think we are never born for another person, but I think as the relations grow, we make ourselves as if we are born to that other person.

And I think that's the reason why some relations end. The process of making compromises for that other person is scary because we loose a bit of our identity. That's the so-called fear of commitment.

So in a way, I think love and happiness is something you build during the relationship and nothing something that comes with the other person... Of course you can't build a relationship with just anyone, but I don't think you should expect to be in a relation that will be so easy everything will be always all right.

[roxypox]

LOL are we all damaged beyond repair... yes... no seriously...

love.. sure we over use the word... I love my sisters new TV, I love my iPod, I love the taste of beer, I love TV shows on dvd... but its not the same kind of love I have for my sister, or my mom or that I used to have for my x and so on.

I don't think that people always end up with someone who is not their true love, mostly b\c I don't believe in the concept of; there is only one true love for each person who lives on this planet... There are many people out there who could be compatible with you and whom you could make stable lasting love with.

of course if you feel you have already met the love of your life and you have 'burned' that bridge some how and now you can never have another love like that, then its another story,

I understand if you've been hurt and from your post you sound hurt, and yes there are a lot of selfish people out there, but not every person you meet is inherently selfish... it varies in degree and in areas of life (to which we apply a certain amount of selfishness)

gosh I feel like I'm being very optimistic after reading this ;)

my most current x was a very selfish person! I went through something terrible this summer and I was in a lot of pain, and when I needed him the most He wasn't there and he kept making it about him.He was in pain, he felt bad and he kept asking me intrusive details and couldn't even listen when I told him... it was just too painful to listen too.

I still haven't lost hope though, I believe there are a lot of fine people out there, both men and women who are worth our time, whom can be trusted, who can be loved and will love us back.

(ps: have to admit that I had kind of lost faith in men, which is a sad fact at the age of 25, but after finding this forum I've stopped being so hostile and there are so many wonderful men and women here... who have perspective, honesty and a lot of other great qualities)

[itried]

I haven't been so devastated to actually get to a point where I would get so cynical, but I think I see what you are talking about.

And I think that, in a way, we are all making the best of whatever we find along the way. But I don't see that as a bad thing. I think we are never born for another person, but I think as the relations grow, we make ourselves as if we are born to that other person.

I have never thought that I was born for another person. In my relationships I have actually made it clear that we could both find happiness with other people so this has never been my issue. I have always felt that realizing that there is more than one person out there for you makes what you have all the more special because you are now working for each other and this is what really defines true, pure love. My cynicism derives from people who realize this but still want to find something else due to curiosity or whatever. I just think that wanting to fix things and change for the better is the best gauge of love and commitment. But yeah, I am a cynic, though you wouldn't know it by meeting me. We are all shaped by our experiences and mine have made me not want to do the same to others. Its just that I have been let down so many times while trying to not let the same person down. And in the end they let me down for selfish reasons according to them.

[roxypox]

We are all shaped by our experiences. We really are.

How far would you go not to let other people down?

[itried]

of course if you feel you have already met the love of your life and you have 'burned' that bridge some how and now you can never have another love like that, then its another story,

I understand if you've been hurt and from your post you sound hurt, and yes there are a lot of selfish ppl out there, but not every person you meet is inherently selfish.... it varies in degree and in areas of life (to which we apply a certain amount of selfishness)

Yeah, I feel that I already did meet the one love I was willing to work for. It's not that I burned a bridge, but that she was on a burning bridge and I joined her on it. This is why it hurts me so much. It is basically that I kind of knew it would come to this given her past but I kept plugging at it. She even told me before we broke up that we were meant to be because she basically tried to make me leave her or cheat so she could get out and I still never left. She was my woman and I wanted to prove it. I wish I could be as optimistic as you. I will always be searching for another her so it won't be fair to the next one. This is basically the crux of my whole post. And this is what I think everyone in the world is basically doing.

[itried]

we are all shaped by our experiences. we really are.

how far would you go not to let other ppl down?

I can't even say how far I would go because I had not reached my limit yet. She just has a lot of issues from her past that made having a relationship quite difficult for both of us. I was waiting for six years while we were together so I guess I would have waited six lifetimes for her to feel better and for us to go on afterwards. I'm not the type to take a good woman for granted. I really loved her.

[thoughtiwastheman]

Do you relaize that you are contradicting yourself? You say that you know that you were not born for anyone but here you are living for her. If you've found happiness with two women in the past, what makes you think it won't happen again? Now you're telling me that you think you really think you lost the ONE love of your life. "I have never thought that I was born for another person. In my relationships I have actually made it clear that we could both find happiness with other people so this has never been my issue. I have always felt that realizing that there is more than one person out there for you makes what you have all the more special because you are now working for each other and this is what really defines true, pure love." I honestly think you're just hurt and that is completely understandable. I've been hurt too and sometimes I stop and say to myself, "wow, that was real selfish of her" and "wow, it really should have ended differently than the way it did" but I guess that I guess life is just the roll of the dice. Let me ask you this. Have you not become a better person? I know you have become cynical and I myself was for a little while, but besides being cynical, haven't you truly become a better person do to your experience? This is why I say that with disappointment comes wisdom. There is always a positive in every negative and I think for now you should focus on the positve. You will find love again and you could have your heart broken again but that is the beauty of humanity. We're capable of so many things and feelings, and although it may take longer each time to fall back in love, your heart will be ready whenever that special someone comes along. Notice I said special and not "the one."

[itried]

Yeah man you're right. But the fact that everything is so arbitrary, paradoxical and contradictory makes it sting so much. I haven't become cynical, I always have been. I try to be objective and this is what makes me want my one love and not my special someone. The notion where I realize that I can be happy with anyone else makes me want them all the more because I am choosing them consciously, if that makes any sense. I guess in my view the only thing I have any control over is who I choose to give myself to. To clarify, the first person I loved was from overseas so maybe that made it easier to deal with. When I chose my second, I always thought she would burn me in the end. I put faith in her because I thought she would understand that I was really going out on a limb to take on the baggage she brought into the relationship, even though I have always been afraid of being let down and hurt by someone I love. But now we know how that turned out. Baggage begets baggage.

I can't say that I have become a better person because trying to be a better person than everyone else got me here. So now, I don't even see the point in being a better person. I can definitely say that I have gained wisdom from this experience though. And you're 100% right about disapointment bringing about wisdom. The thing is I'm only 29 and I feel like I'm 92 because of all the disappointment I have experienced and wisdom I've gained.

[itried]

Thanks for all the answers people. I was hesitant about posting because I have never done anything like this before. You all have been a great help.

[ImTotallyLost]

Yeah... I couldn't agree more, but I'll suggest you a different perspective for it all.

You see, this girl that left you, I don't know if she left you for someone else or because she felt she needed freedom or some of that crap that we keep reading on these stories.

But when she left you, she had to do what she had to do. For some reason, no matter how selfish, mean or evil, she felt she had to go. After that decision was made in her mind, you wanting to keep her is your own selfishness. Because she doesn't want you anymore. It might look like you are trying to be there for her and all, but in reality you are just trying to have her back.

The thing is that in a relationship, we tend to think we own that other person... when things are good and happy, we don't really act like that because we trust that other person. But when they ask for a break up or when the confidence is lost, then we cling to that other person. We think it's unfair. We try to "make them get back to their senses". We hate them for doing that.

However, the truth is, the other person never belongs to us. They are their own person. They are with you as a choice, in the same way that we chose them. And when they decide it's time to go, they aren't really doing anything wrong. They never belong to us.

That's why they say that "if you love someone, set them free". I would even expand that to say that "if you love someone, let them be free".

Eventually, life will bring someone that will be also tired of the crap life threw at them. Or someone that hasn't been through all that but understands the concepts and isn't afraid of changing a bit of individuality for a lot of happiness.

[roxypox]

to get on to a burning bridge with someone is never good, I used to be really messed up mentaly, I've grown up with a pill addicted mother, an absent father and I helped my step dad raise my siblings... I suffered from deep depressions that would last for weeks on end and anxiety that made it hard for me to live life as a normal and healthy person (I'm better ;)) and my x boyfriend he had to go to hell and back with me so many times, he saw me as the love of his life and he'd do anything for me.

now I just feel sad when I think of everything he went through, all the stuff he had to endure. But he got over me, met someone wonderful and married her and I'm happy for him.

he told me when he started seeing other people that he had several dates before he read an article on dating and x's (not dating x's!) but rather that; if you compare the person you're seeing to your x, looking for your x in the new person then you are not over him\her and you should step back, and let yourself heal, and find a way to get over the x before you engage in a new relationship\dating.

on the subject of baggage;

we all have some baggage, we all have a past, but how much does it affect us here and now?

Its not your job to take someone else's baggage onto your shoulders and carry it... you can be there, you can be supportive, understanding and be a shoulder to cry on... but its not your job to 'save the other person'! The most wonderful advice I ever got from my psycologis (out of many wonderful advices!) was;

you can only save yourself, no one else can do it for you and you cannot save anyone else!

and its so true its almost heart breaking, I think that those words changed my life so much, cause before I heard them I was trying to save my brother, my friends, my mom, my dad (step dad, I call him dad)...

It really does seem like you should not go out there and look for someone new right now, you need to get over all the 'baggage' you yourself is carrying. And if you keep looking for your x in other people, then you are setting yourself up for some major heartache!


personally I don't know if you can rid yourself of your baggage all together, but personally I would not enter a relationship with a truck load of it. If I have a truckload I would feel that I'm not ready for anything new. My past, however, it is what it is, its out of my control...

I can't change it, I can only deal with it and live with it! And make the most of it. I've chosen to be okay with my childhood, no it wasn't okay that it happened, it was painful... but I can accept that it did happen, and it made me who I am today... the road I had to walk to where I am in my life right now had been long, hard and painful... but now I reap the benefits of it. I'm in a good place!

C'est la vie... hehe for the second time today! c'est la vie.. that's life.

[cbsf]

itried -- I can relate to your point-of-view, getting over an abusive relationship with my ex-fiancee a year ago (and still discovering unpleasant things about her). The other day I realized that while you can strive for self-improvement, a worthy goal, you are still going to have faults and things you can't control. One thing you must try to do is be happy with yourself, because nobody else can make you happy -- only you can. Relationships are the hardest thing I know in this world, and I think each generation only gets more complicated with greater expectations. In a true loving relationship, there is mutual acceptance and a will to see the good in the other person -- it's mutual self-interest, sure -- but the test is whether things hold together in the hard times.

I agree with ImTotallyLost -- that no one owns anyone else. Still, when you give yourself and take for granted that the other person has the same goals and expectations, it can be devastating and unreal to see that only falls on one side of the equation.

[itried]

ImTotallyLost, I definitely agree with you. I know she left for selfish reasons and that is what makes it so difficult. I had basically become her caretaker and sentinel towards the end of it all so the relationship had become stale for her while I was just waiting for her to get over her problems so we could pick up again. I sense that you read my first post so I can say that she left me with the intention of being with someone else so I am really hurt by that. In fact it had been confirmed by me yesterday so that was why I posted this time. I never thought that she belonged to me or that I belonged to her. I thought that she would see the truth in my actions in that I was foregoing immediate gratification with someone else by trying to work through where I was with her so we could eventually be happy in the future. I plugged away and she noticed and mentioned that she saw what I was doing and that it proved to her that I really was there for her. But she still up and left. I guess sometimes fast food is better than lovingly prepared fine dining.