[jmw0713]

What’s up? This is a long post!

About a month ago, my girlfriend(22) of over 3 yrs (3 yrs 8 mths) called me(26) and wanted a break. She is currently in Florida about 1/2 way through a 6 month internship. While down, there she told me has formed a "very close friendship" with one of her fellow interns. He has since left for home. This made her highly upset and has since been talking to this guy almost every night. Apparently, from what she has told me, he has been writing her songs about her, and making all of these "cute" observations about her, but I don't know if anything else has happened between them. I know she is not the type of person to go and sleep around. So about a month ago she gave me "the phone call". She told me that she didn't think it was fair that she was making me wait all of this time for her and that she though that we needed time apart, but didn't want to make here final decision until she gets back home and we can talk face to face. When she first left for the internship I thought something like this was going to happen. Anyway, so after she told me that I lost it, and told that I wanted to work everything out and work through all of this. I told her I was waiting for her to come back... blah, blah, blah. Thinking back that was obviously the wrong thing to do. For that next week I continued to call her everyday to talk, not about the relationship, just about everyday stuff, I even sent her an email talking about all the things I missed doing with her and all the fun times we've had. Again, wrong thing to do.

So a week after I sent her the email, I called her and brought up the break again, because I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. So after talking about it and discussing some of the problems we had in the relationship, FINALLY (she usually didn't like to talk about things that were bothering her), we both decided that maybe the break was going to be a good thing for us. I told her that I realize that I was being overbearing and jealous, but I wanted us to work on things to get through this. I also told her that I didn't want her to feel like I was "leaving her down there" and that if she needed to talk, she could call me at anytime. She told me the same thing and also said that I am her best friend and that she doesn't want to lose me from her life and she still cares for me.

So from that point on, I have not contacted her at all. The only time I have spoken to her was when she has called me. Each time we talked (2 times in 10 days), I did not bring up anything about the relationship or anything like that. It was all light, friendly conversation. The last time we talked, at the end of the conversation, she told me that I could "call her later in the evening." I told her that "I didn't want to interrupt anything and that I am here if she wants to talk." Needless to say, she didn't call. So I have yet to actually call her. I am tempted to call, to say "it was really nice hearing from you", but I want to respect the "break" and not be a wimp/clingy.

BTW, this guy is supposed to be coming back for a couple days in October to work a dance/fundraiser for the place she works. So she will be seeing him again, which bothers me and she knows this.

This is not the first time that something like this has happened. Awhile back she became “close friends” with another guy in her neighborhood. He didn’t like me at all and kept bad mouthing me to my girl behind my back. I kept telling her that I didn’t like him and it bothered me that she was spending so much time with him. Eventually she stopped talking to him because he was “crazy” but this went on for months.

I am cool with her having guy friends, and she does have a few that I get along with and don’t mind. These “close friends” bother me because she pulls away and distances herself from me both emotionally and physically. I know that some of that is my fault, because I push her away by prying for answers and getting jealous. But for some reason, I don't think that she is honest with me all the time, even though I have never caught her in a lie or anything. Most of the time, she doesn't want to talk about anything concerning them. Most of the time, she just tells me to "Stop" when I ask her certain questions.

My questions:

Aside from the initial panic, is this the appropriate way to handle this break?

Do you think I am being played for a fool?

Should I even wait around for her to come home in November to talk about this and possibly reconcile?

Is it bad to ask questions about these "close" guy friends of hers? Or am I just being to insecure?

I really do love her and miss her, but I don't want to go through this type of situation every time a new guy friend shows up!

Any advice/opinions would be awesome!

Thanks,

J

[jjwoodhull]

It sounds to me as if you are putting your life on hold while she decides what's going to work out best for her. Now she does not have to feel guilty and seeing other people, but she knows you will be there if things don't work out.

You need to put your own best interest first. If she is not coming back to you, best you know now so that you can start to move on.

[Mr-Blank]

Perfect time to quote Talaniman:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs."

[wikedjuggalo]

Man this sounds exactly like what happened to me. DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD. Life will not stop for you and nor should you. It hurts man does it hurt, but feelings can not be forced on anyone by anyone. If she is confused let be her confused. You know what you want and she does not want that.

I do not mean to sound like an a$$ below.
She is trying to have her cake and eat it to. She has feeling for this other guy and is testing water. By putting you on break she is pretty much keeping you on the back burner if things do not work out. Do not do this because you are the one who will be hurt in the end. You are her comfort zone and if things do not work out will try to come back to you. I think she is playing you at the moment.

Please for your own good do not stop your life for her, get out and do stuff you have not. Enjoy life for what it is. Explore the world see what is beyond a relationship as I am doing the same. Doors open when some close.

The fact that she does not want to discuss stuff is a red flag waving away in your face. She is hiding something or avoid the truth.

Keep no contact as its best for you and is not meant to win her back. When ever you feel you need to contact her come on here and post, vent scream yell do what ever. Do not end up as friend's because you will only prolong the healing.

Its hard but do what is best for you.

[High Max]

Any girl with really "close" friends always worries me. Make it known early on in a relationship that you don't tolerate cheating, that you can be cool with her hanging out with other guys, but if she cheats she's gone. It shows that you are a man, and aren't afraid to boot her out the door. Also, understand that as a guy, you probably understand that most men don't just look to start random friendships with attractive women. They almost ALWAYS have a hidden agenda, and you should watch carefully.

[jmw0713]

Well I am going out and doing things with friends and family. I am also spending time at the gym and Karate class. But you are right, it is tremendously hard to see someone you love just walk away... especially after so much time and emotional effort has been spent (and now wasted) on something that you think will work.

Another thing she told me was that she thought the relationship got stale, and she didn't feel the same she did when we first met. Although I feel that this is something that could be fixed, I am not sure how to do that.

What's really putting me in a hard place is that I know I am going to be seeing her when she gets home. I am currently taking care of her pet corn snake while she is down there. So, for the time being, I am just doing my own thing until then.

She still stays in touch, but not everyday. I have not called her since we both talked about the break, about 2 weeks ago. She calls me when she has her days off once a week. I don't want to ignore her when she does call because I still care and want to know how she is doing, but I don't want to be the second man in her life either. I've told her this a few weeks back, so she knows how I feel. I just don't want her to think I am ignoring her.

I know I couldn't be just friends with her for the mere fact that I would want to kick the crap out of any guy she would be dating, but I have not told her that.

I don't want this relationship to end over the phone, I want to at least talk to her face to face and let her know how I feel in order to really get through to her. I feel like ending things over the phone is a cheap way out of something. Also I don't want to bring up the relationship with her because I know that it will make things worse, when really I just want to try to work everything out, if possible.

[talaniman]

Hate to be the one to tell you this, but the relationship is already over, and you just haven't accepted it. You are still holding out false hope, that things go back to the way it was. It won't, sorry to say.

You must stop all contact with her, so the emotional dust can settle. Your allowing yourself to be dragged in to the friendzone, while she get the benefit of emotional support, while you dangle in limbo.

Treat yourself better than that, and put your need to heal, before her need to have a friend.

Sorry for your loss.

[jmw0713]

Thanks for the advice. I still don't know how I am going to handle the whole meeting when she comes for the snake. I guess I will use that time to actually talk things out with her, since that will not be until the end of Novemeber. Hopefully by that time, with the help of NC, I will be able to think through things with out getting worked up.

Who knows maybe she will want to get back together. But I'm not getting my hopes up after reading my posts and what you guys are saying. At any rate, I guess the best hing to do would be to ignore her calls and see what happens, and do my thing for now.

Thanks

J

[jmw0713]

Update. For a while me and her were talking about once a week. Then came the point where the fundraiser was taking place. I saw some pictures, and sure enough that guy was there. I also did not get an phone calls from her until the day he left, this past Friday. When she called me I didn't pick up because I was angry and also because I was going away with my folks for the weekend. So I ended calling her when I got back Sunday night. She was busy working and didn't call me until after I when to bed. We talked for 5 minutes and I told her I was tired and I would call her after my Karate class on Monday. So yesterday she tried calling me as soon as she got out of work. I didn't pick-up and proceeded on to my class. I ended up calling her later last night.

The conversation started of well, but through out it I noticed she wasn't giving me to many details about the week that she didn't call. She usually would tell me all sorts of things she did during the week when we talked. Well I kept asking her about what she did and she kept skirting around telling. So I finally flat out asked her if her and this guy did anything. She told me that they fulled around a little bit. Then I asked her if she actually slept with the guy. She didn't want to tell me. So I then said that if she had any respect for me at all she would tell me. So she said they did:mad::(, and I was instantly crushed. This whole time I thought that things would work out between us, but not anymore. She started crying hysterically and told me that she didn't intend for this to happen and she never wanted to hurt me. She also didn't want to loose me from her life because I am her best friend. I told her that I didn't think that I could be her friend right now, and that I didn't hate her for this. I told that I now have to to what I have to do and that she should do the same.

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about losing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

I just don't know why she did this. She did tell me she wasn't fully happy when she was with me and this guy seems to have filled what was missing, but why choose someone who doesn't live in the same area. I mean she lives in Maryland and he lives in Massachusetts.

So I guess my next course of action is to not talk to her at all for a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to be friend with her. Has anyone else stayed friends with an ex?

I mean I don't even know what I feel. I still love her for some reason, but I am angry that she did this. I understand that we were on a "break", so I guess technically she didn't cheat on me, but I am still angry that she did this. At the same time I'm sad because I've lost someone I was really close with.

What do I do?

[jjwoodhull]

Sorry that you are hurt - but it's not surprising. I would not think about a friendship with her. The basis for friendship is trust - and she has not proven herself trustworthy.

Call one of her family members or friends and make arrangements for them to care for the snake until she returns. Continue on with your new hobbies and spend time with friends. This is a time for absolute No Contact - that means not calls, emails, instant messages, texts, etc.

It will take some time, but in the end you will be fine.

[wikedjuggalo]

May sound like a complete d*ck but this is how I took your last post.

Correction she went on break so she could have a relationship with him with and not feel "guilty". He left she has no one now and you were on the back burner. Sorry to put it harshly. As far as remaining friends that probably is not a viable option for you as you are still, and most likely for a long time, hurt by her actions. In the back of your head you would hold that grudge unconsciously.

Love is such a strong word and makes us blind to many red flags that wave about in our faces. Ask yourself truly if someone cared as much as you did for her would they do such a thing?no.

You asked what to do now right? Well the answer is simple but actually doing it is the hard part. You must truly start no contact, no phone calls, no e-mails, no MSN, no myspace, no text messages and no communication. The longer the wound is left open the longer it will take to heal. The sooner you get things that remind you of her out of your face and packed away the sooner you will start to feel better. Stay away from alcohol as it will only make you feel worse later, Trust me on that. Go out with friends and learn to smile without her.

As for friends like I said I do not know if you would be able to left the past be the past down the road. I know I could not be friends with my ex right now and probably for a while because of how hurt I am/was over her actions. Let go of any hope of a relationship you might have with her that is if you are holding on to anything.

[kctiger]

This is almost exactly what happened to me. Same age and everything. I feel for you bro! It is hard and it will sting for A LONG time. My ex is dating the dude she started to like while dating me. She never cheated on me, but pretty much broke up with me to date him. It hurts, and I know. Everyone else is telling you the same thing... Erase her from your life. She is dead to you. Not to sound harsh, but that is how it has to be. I am on day 10 of NC and it gets harder. The first month absolutely blows, but you can do it. You are an awesome individual with so much to offer, otherwise you two would have never been together for that long. Just keep your chin up and keep on plugging at life, cause life won't give up on you unless you give up on life.

[marcantony]

Yeah, what you're feeling is normal grieving for what you had together and what you've lost.
But as someone who just went through it I can tell you over time your feelings for her will pass and you'll actually not want to talk to her anymore. It just seemed to happen for me, I went from running for the phone every time it rang to screening it to make sure its not her.
I can't say exactly when it'll happen but its something that just seems to click in your brain. You reach a point where you ask yourself why am I putting up with this crap?

Also be careful when you start noticing women again. At first it was more hormonal for me and almost overwhelming, I just wanted intimacy from anyone (I didnt). But now that more time has passed Im back to more cautiously deciding who to date.

[slapshot_oi]

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about loosing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

What do I do?

Sorry man, I was about to suggest earlier today that she's not being entirely honest with you, but I didn't want to ruin your day.

This is the usual MO of a girlfriend who cheats on a boyfriend that she cares about. She'll want a break instead of just lying to your face for weeks to months. Because of this, you at least know that even now, she respects you, but she certainly doesn't respect herself. She's willing to destroy her relationship and jeapordize her own reputation for a single night of pleasure that she'll learn to regret. It will come back to her, there are no worries there.

I, as well as a bunch of others, have been where you are now. After seven months, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me while she was in Ireland. I regrettably forgave her and dated her once more until she cheated on me again, with a different guy, eight months later. I gave in to contacting her, begged her to be mine, shed a tear or two and was just miserable without her despite her infidelity. It wasn't until after two years did I fully separate myself from her. But, after it was all over, I learned a basic lesson: once a cheater, always a cheater.

What do you do? Don't be there for her and don't contact her, she has to know that what she has done is wrong. For how long? Months to a year(s). It's hard, but it's your best shot to heal from this, and plus, it's the best way to get revenge, too. Before you say it, allow me: "Well, what if something happens to her?! I need to know!" This is the one-liner that all victims of break-ups use as an excuse to keep in touch, I'm guilty of using it myself. Don't worry about her, there is a such thing as a hospital with an able staff and she has a family and friends that are more than welcome to take care of her. Even if she says she needs you, she really doesn't for the reasons I just listed.

Some good advice:
Never speak ill of your girlfriend, back her up against the world even when she's wrong. A man should always treat a lady with dignity and respect, no matter what; be a gentleman, hold the door open for her, sit down only after she's seated, actually listen when she speaks to you and don't just pretend to and so on. That quote applies here by restraining yourself from talking trash about her although she cheated on you, no one deserves to be subjected to baseless insults. As much as you may want to in the future (you will get angry over this, there's no avoiding it), don't do it, and don't let your friends do it either―I made that mistake, and me and that "friend" don't speak to this day. Adhering to this will test your own self-control, set an example for your buddies and women will think you're an ideal mate to have; you stand to gain a lot of respect if you do this.

On the contrary:
If your girlfriend is not making you happy or bringing joy to your life, fire her, that's what girlfriends are for. Well, dude, that's what you got to do. It implies no contact as well.

For your own peace of mind, this guy seemed attractive to her at the time, but the chances of her having a lasting relationship with him are slim-to-none. I say that because, in a matter of words, he is the reason you two broke up, and when she finally realizes that she threw away well over three years for one, selfish moment, she'll remember that he's the bad guy.

On a side-note, my cheater ex-girlfriend and I are friends and it took me over a year of no contact (about 90% of that year was NC). We're not close buddy-buddy like, but we're civil and will get together for a beer every now and again. It's not the end man, not unless you want it to be.

I may sound harsh, but understand that everything I have said is in your best interest, not hers. Again, I speak from experience, and when push comes to shove in a relationship, I know that you have to think for yourself and do what's best for you. I know it's hard, but you should consider yourself lucky―this isn't a cruel joke, you'll agree with me in a year's time―because this is a critical learning experience you got to be a part of while you're still young. When your emotions balance and you move on, you will gain wisdom and knowledge that many others don't have which makes you more prepared than they are for future relationships. It's the hard-times like these where you can really test yourself and find out who you really are.

[jmw0713]

Thanks for all of the advice. I've been really struggling with this. She was my first true love. I poured all that I had in to this relationship and received nothing but pain in return. This is the first time since I can remember that my heart physically ached. I never really knew there was such thing as physical heart ache until now.

I keep having very vivid dreams about her all the time that wake me up at night. One of which occurred this morning. I dreamed that I was having a conversation with her about at time that she went out with some friends. It was so weird. I actually felt like we were together and I was happy. It felt so real, then I woke up and came back to reality again and I broke down. Every time a memory pops in my brain, it's instant torture and sadness.

I am attempting to stay at work today. I've already pretty much broke down in front of one of my co-workers this morning. I had to take off yesterday because I was in no shape to go in. This is only the start of day 2!

THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!

[jjwoodhull]

Stay at work. If you leave, you will only have more time to dwell on being depressed. Work is a great distraction. Throw yourself into a new project or ask for overtime. Keep your mind occupied for now.

[kctiger]

Also, post as many times on here as you have to. Do not hold all of your feelings in. Sometimes you have to just let them go. Agree with the above post as well. As hard as it is, you have to ride it out. The last thing you want to do is go home and lay in bed and do nothing but think of this. Do WHATEVER you have to do to distract/trick your mind into thinking of something else.

[jmw0713]

Guys, I keep on thinking I caused this. When we both agreed to the break, we also agreed that we could see other people if we wanted. So even though she did sleep with this dude, I feel like a hypocrite now because I am cutting contact with her because of this.

Also I already f-ed up by sending her a text saying that I didn't hate her, but that I also could not be friends right now, and that I will always love her and wish her the best. I am so messed up right now in my head. I am both angry that she did this and miss her at the same time!

[jjwoodhull]

This is not your fault at all. She set you up. She got you to agree to a break so that she could do what she wanted while she was away and you would be there waiting when she came back. If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you then she never would have wanted a break. She took the easy way out rather than be an adult and address the issue head on.

I'm sorry that you are heartbroken. We have all been there. It sucks - but it gets better with time. You sound like a great, caring guy with a lot to offer. She didn't appreciate that and now it is her loss. You deserve so much better than someone that plays games with your heart.

Keep your head up. Put your time and energy into yourself - work, gym, friends. DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER. No contact is so important if you want to heal. If you speak to her, only two things can come of it -- 1. The conversation goes well and it makes you miss her more, which makes you feel crappy. OR 2. The conversation goes poorly, which makes you feel crappy.

It's like breaking any habit - cold turkey is the only way.

[talaniman]

You didn't agree to a break, you agreed to a break -up, and of course she went along with see others. That was the whole point.

What you didn't know was, she has no intentions of coming back, unless it goes badly, while you expect her to come back. It ain't going to happen, and it doesn't matter the reason why.

The only thing that's important is what you do next for yourself and move ahead with your life.

Leave the guilt for someone else, as you don't deserve it, nor does sitting on a pity pot is no where to be.

Read the posts of the ones who gave everything they could, and ended up being dump just the same. That's life! STUFF HAPPENS! Deal with it!