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HearbrokenKm · Nov 11, 2008, 10:55 AM

Hi Everyone, So I have a horrible thing that I am dealing with right now. So this Halloween I was dropped a Bomb I found out that last Halloween My husband and My best friend were completley wasted talking in the Garage and she grabbed his face and they full on kissed. After the kiss she went inside and his other friend came out. My husband started crying not believing what he had just done. We were having a really hard time in our marriage and she knew my feeling HELLO she is my BFF I told her and he was confiding in her to cause they are practically brother and sister have known each other since kids.
Well so after that he was confused even more we fought even more cause he was always out of town. So he got this idea in his head if he was going to kiss her again he would know if it was wrong he couldn't lose me and if he could kiss her and feel nothing that it was done. SO and let me tell you her husband is his BFF so weird situation. So he asked her in the garage new years eve if she had feelings she said no he said well how do you know she said I do he said well lets kiss again and see so they did and they said it was occuard he called her couple days later apoligized said he loved me and knows what he wants. THEN I guess this summer he was dropping her off and she told him oh I could kiss you but I am not going to and he said I Don't WANT YOU TO. So obviously if he wanted her he would have right. What should I do? Do I stay friends with her I love him.

08_777444 · Nov 11, 2008, 11:29 AM

This is your husband?

The answer to your question is NO, you should not be friends with her anymore.

Friends don't do that to friends - period.

HearbrokenKm · Nov 11, 2008, 11:31 AM

Ya it was my husband. He says he was confused we were fighting all the time. And he had NO feelings for her he was figuring us out.

08_777444 · Nov 11, 2008, 11:37 AM

Well, then you have your answer. But as far as the girlfriend goes, she should not be around if you and your husband are to reconcile. She is not your friend... obviously she is HIS friend.

HearbrokenKm · Nov 13, 2008, 10:23 AM

So we have been Married for 4 years going on 5 A year ago my husband did something behind my back that I just found out about where he and my best friend Kissed the first time they were both really drunk and she kissed him makeout kiss and let me tell you she will kiss ANYONE. So if it was left at that then I wouldn't care BUT then my husband became confused. We were going through a really HARD time in our marriage then I mean we both wanted out I think or were sick of the constant fighting every single day. So I think that after that kiss he was confused he thought to that she liked him witch made it even worst. Well things didn't imoprove with us after that and he had a brilliant idea to kiss her again and he would know if our marriage and I was what he wanted to he asked her in our garage just the two of them if she had feeling she told him no. He said are you sure? She said yes I am sure so he told her well lets kiss and see so they did and he said it was so occuard and wrong and he called her a couple days later apoligized said he loved me and the girls and never do it again and that not to tell me cause if I found out then I would divorce him. He said he did this all for selfish reasons and nothing to the effect of having feelings for her it was him figuring our marriage out and he was just trying to get her to kiss him again so he would know? Does this make sense? I am now struggling with why? And is he lying did he having feelings? And how could he risk our family? Do I believe him?

DrJ · Nov 13, 2008, 10:34 AM

Take it from a man... men are stupid and typically don't realize what we have starring us right in the face.

Chris Rock said it best: Married and Bored or Single and LONELY!

Men tend to get bored in a relationship and on top of that, MANY men, when ANY attractive female shows an interest, will entertain the idea of a completely new life for that new female.

Most likely, it is nothing against you... it is just the f***ed up way that many (actually most) men are.

If you decide to stay with him, be aware (not "beware" but "be AWARE").

It is naïve to think that this sort of a thing will NEVER happen in a relationship... you just want to make sure that it is not always happening.

Justwantfair · Nov 13, 2008, 10:46 AM

Any infidelity can injure a relationship, it is hard to stop the thoughts that hurt from bothering you. Hopefully your relationship is on a mending path and focusing on this incident can only cause more conflict. I think you need to try letting it go for what it was and move pass it. Men do get bored, they don't always make the best choices, women don't always either. I think you should forgive, you won't be able to forget, but forgiving will be the best for your relationship.

450donn · Nov 13, 2008, 11:29 AM

Remember this any you will understand more. Women are guided by their brains and emotions.
Men are guided by what is handing between their legs.
Until a man learns to control that part of his body with what is in his head there is not much you can do to help up!

donf · Nov 14, 2008, 07:56 AM

Baloney!

There are as many reasons for a male to cheat as there are not to cheat. It boils down to self control.

Personally, I have never felt the desire to cheat on my wife of 43 years, nor do I plan to.

Wait for Synnen's or Taliban to respond, they usually offer some very good responses often at odds to mine.

If nothing more happened that a kiss, count your blessings.

Does your husband know that you know what happened? If so, suggest to him that the next time he wants to kiss a female to determine the viability of his marriage, you and only you qualify as the woman of choice for field tests!

Unhappily_Happy · Nov 14, 2008, 05:35 PM

Many men wander because another women gives him attention he doesn't typically get from home. It could be a very unattractive woman, but if she makes him feel important and smart and strong, etc. etc. and he does not get enough affirmation at home, he may wander.

We get stuck in routine, and life goes on around us, and blah blah blah... BUT we all have to remember to appreciate the men in our lives!

Max

P.S. In no way am I trying to blame you for his infidelity and in no way am I excusing him from what he did. I am only trying to help with the "why".

DoulaLC · Nov 14, 2008, 06:02 PM

It may have been simply a poor choice in an attempt to figure out what he wants/needs. Instead of looking to you and dealing with whatever issues you are having as a couple, such as the reasons for the constant fighting, he looked to someone else for the possibilities of a new, hassle free, relationship. The combination of the drunken kiss, forbidden yet willing, and a rough patch in your marriage no doubt left him even more perplexed as to what his feelings were. The later kiss was to try and confirm if those feelings were real or just drink induced.

Thankfully he figured out that he does want to be with you, and to keep his marriage and family together. Unfortunately, he breached your trust in that discovery. Marriage can be challenging enough, but add frequent bickering and fighting into the mix and you can easily start to wonder why you stay in it sometimes.
Take this as a wake-up call for both of you to focus on what brought you together in the first place, what got you to the point of fighting every day, and how to be completely honest with each other about your wants and needs in your relationship... to put the energy and effort into rebuilding the trust and connection you once had.

talaniman · Nov 16, 2008, 02:26 PM

Not to condone his bad behavior, but things must be pretty bad at home, for him to be that confused, and looking for an out.

Warning to the wise, get some help for you both, and resolve this issue between you, and learn it's a lot easier to work together, than grow apart.

What's up with you two any way?

HearbrokenKm · Nov 24, 2008, 12:25 PM

I feel so aweful because after my husband went behind my back a year ago and kissed my best friend in figuring out our marriage. I am so hateful at first I was very sad then loving now I am just annoyed. Like I can't control the anger this morning I told him I hated him. I LOVE HIM TO DEATH and can't live without him. Is this normal? Will I hate him so much that it will be over I NEED HELP?? :(

NowWhat · Nov 24, 2008, 12:31 PM

Coming from someone with experience of being cheated on, a certain amount of resentment is normal, in my opinion.
There is a level of betrayal there that is so painful, it is very difficult to get past.
But... if you have decided to work things out, you have to put the incident behind you. If you have decided to forgive him - then forgive him.
Time will heal this. You just have to let it.

JudyKayTee · Nov 24, 2008, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by HearbrokenKm

I feel so aweful because after my husband went behind my back a year ago and kissed my best friend in figuring out our marriage. I am so hateful at first I was very sad then loving now I am just annoyed. like I can't control the anger this morning I told him I hated him. I LOVE HIM TO DEATH and can't live without him. Is this normal? Will I hate him so much that it will be over I NEED HELP?????:(

I know you're having serious problems with this - and it is a serious problem - but it's posted in 3 threads and they really should be combined.

I don't know if I'd still be angry a year later but this has never happened to me. How did you find out? Did he tell you?

And she would most definitely no longer be my best friend.

Curlyben · Nov 24, 2008, 12:58 PM

>THREE threads merged<
Please stick to ONE thread for the same issue.