[voxymcgee]

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. I have also been taking increasingly more dangerous risks.

I am depressed and angry and it has been like this for a long time. When I was young, I used to have panic attacks all the time thinking about death and dying and even now, I haven't come to the point where I can accept death, fully. Which is ironic because there is a huge part of me that wants so badly to end it all.

I cut myself for the first time in 5th grade. My grandfather had died and I was so depressed. I started gaining a lot of weight as well and my depression just kept getting worse all the time. In junior high, I was made fun of a lot by my family and by my peers for being overweight. In high school, the torment got worse and one kid checked a bottle of water at my back and everyone laughed. At the end of sophomore year, I was developing an eating disorder. Bulimia. At the worst point of my disease, I didn't go to school or see my friends. The disease controlled everything. I would binge and purge up to 15 times a day and I would also cut myself and no one helped me.

I finally sought help on my own. I relapsed a lot and ended up still throwing up my food quite a bit. This year I haven't binged or purged at all and I think it was my decision to be a vegetarian that calmed down that part of my life. I am not faced with greasy burgers and red meat all the time. I can even eat greasey pizza and feel fine nowadays. So I am thankful for that aspect of my life.

However, it isn't all good for me. My ex and I were together for 3 years and we were engaged. I wasn't in love with him, though. I loved him, but I knew I wasn't happy. So I cheated on him and eventually he left me. He didn't know about the cheating until after the fact when I got mad at him for stealing my things and my dog and calling the cops on me to report false damages to his car. I got really mad about that so I told him about how I had cheated on him and that it had been the last 7 months of our relationship.

The person I was cheating on him with is the person I am living with now. I am still not happy. I broke up with this person because I was mad at him and he won't take me back. I still live with him because he is my best friend, but I want more from this and I know I hurt him and I know he still thinks I am in love with my ex.

He also doesn't want to be back with me because my Idealistic tendencies make me a control freak. When we fight, I flip out really bad. I throw things and break things. I damage my stuff and then I damage his stuff without even thinking about it. I get violent and super angry and a lot of people say it is because of how I was raised because my family was super dysfunctional and I still have those defenses built up.

I am really depressed now, and I hate myself because I keep scaring away the people I love the most. I need help and I have no insurance and I don't know how to stop myself from flipping out. I have other coping methods that I have listed in therapy sessions, but when it is actually happening, I don't think about those things. I don't think of anything except trying to control the situation.

My dude and me had a fight Friday and I wouldn't let him leave and I took a whole bottle of pills and cut myself to make him stay. The problem is I know that it is scaring him away and I wish I could stop reacting like that. It is destroying my life and I really love this boy. I don't know how to be better. I want to be better so badly and I don't want to lose this guy because it would break my heart. He said he is coming home today, and I really need help to positively manage my outbursts so I can be better for myself and for him. He is a really awesome person so I need to be good to him. Please help me.

[v1033]

Have you been to see your doctor? A mild anti-depressent / seditive may help but you need to speak to a doctor about that.

Have you ever been to No More Panic - No More Panic ? That may be a better place to get advice about your mental health.

X

[voxymcgee]

I don't have insurance, so I can't get help. :( I also don't make a lot of money because I am in college and I can only work part time.

When I was seeing a doctor, they couldn't agree on what was wrong with me. One said it was bi-polar, one said clinical depression, one said post traumatic stress disorder from growing up in a horrible environment... so they all prescribed me different things and none of it really helped.

I was on zoloft, lexapro, and I can't even remember all the others because they were short lived.

Im just sick of losing everyone I care about because they are afraid of me.

[voxymcgee]

I also haven't really been having panic attacks since my ex and I ended it. With this guy its different for the most part. A lot of my behaviors aren't around all the time.

I used to never clean or take care of myself, but with this guy, I do clean and I take care of myself and I am just nicer in general, and more happy.

Its just when I get depressed about something, it consumes me and I forget everything good. And the Idealistic part of me starts wanting to fix things by taking all of the wrong steps.

[v1033]

I can't imagine not being able to go to see my doctor, thank god for the NHS!
The site isn't solely for people having panic attacks, there is a lot of OCD sufferers on the site. I would descibe myself as a control freak but since I was put on citalopram for panic disorder I have become a lot more laid back and easy to live with. I don't have so many thoughts running round my head.
I have also taken st john's wort (it's available here without prescription but I don't know about in the US) in the past, it helped with my anger and feeling low but didn't help my panic at the time so that's why I went to the doctor. Lots of information about st john's wort on Kelly's SJW (St. John's Wort) pages for depression
They have info on other no prescription meds and about non-pill related options for depression.
X

[v1033]

Also have a look at Cyclothymia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia but I think all mental health issues are very individual to the person suffering from them. No two people are the same.

[voxymcgee]

I agree that everyone is different with how they experience the disorder. I was looking into St John's Wart, actually.


I looked at that Wiki, but I sometimes have severe outbursts due to depression. Not so much elation.

The only medicine that ever really helped in the heat of the moment was this Colonzapan stuff that was taken as needed for anxiety. It is like a sedative and even when its not a panic attack, it really calms me down and makes me not become hostile or verbally abusive.

I wish I still had insurance so I could get it.