[brendan043]

I feel like I'm in a really messy situation.

I'm 22 and my wife and I got only recently got married - less than one month ago. It took me until just about right now to realize that I'm not sure I did the right thing.

Before I say anything, I want to clarify that my wife is not one of those crazy homely women you see sometimes that just have no grip on life. She is very sweet and kind of innocent in a way, and I do love her very much - which is why this is tearing me apart even more.

The biggest factor in this whole thing that I don't feel sexually attracted to her, pretty much at all. What make me say this has to do with the fact that she's generally not lady-like or even descent most of the time. I find it a lot of the things she does at home to be a pretty gross, unkempt, whatever, and this is far above and beyond the idea that "women can't be pretty and perfect all the time." I have talked to her about it and she says that's just how she is. We never were as sexual as she would like and the fact that she seems so overly sexual - using sex to remedy any problem that comes along between us or for her personally - has always bothered me in the way that I like to use sex like that.

We've always had a rocky relationship - bickering constantly. She overreacts to the extreme about most small things. In fact, I slept on the couch last night simply for not hearing a phone call while driving home and calling her back as soon as I was able (can't dig around for my phone on the highway). But this is constant - almost daily. We've tried couple's counseling and it always comes down to her thinking the therapist is a quack.

What is holding me back is that fact that we have a daughter together and I don't know if she would be capable of taking care of her 50% of the time without me around. When it's left up to her to get our daughter ready for the day, she will take her out wearing nothing but a dirty onsie that's too small (at 17 months old), jeans, and socks. She will rarely change her diaper until it's all leaky just because she does not think about it. I've watched her attempt to put her to bed with no food, and my daughter will go all day with a dirty face and spend all her time in a room that is filthy because my wife refuses to clean anything, and leaves it all for me for when I get off work.

We almost broke up before and she tried to make plans to give our daughter to over someone else for the time being because my wife did not know what she was going to do, as far a possibly being suicidal. The other problem with that was she absolutely did not want to give her to me because she was so upset at me. She has also tried, during other fights, to say that she will leave town and take my daughter with no place to stay and no resources whatsoever. Our daughter is disabled and has special medical needs, and I don't see how, on Medicaid, she would just be able to find another doctor ASAP in another town. It took us months to get the kind of care she needed here.

Needless to say, I am most afraid for the well-being of my daughter. My wife's mother was very unstable and emotionally disturbed and I'm afraid of her turning out to be that way, for my child to see, if no one is around to watch half of the time.

What do I do? I feel like I'm worn thin.

[450donn]

Get professional help. If your wife refuses to get help, then you have very few choices left to you. Leave her, file for divorce and go for sole custody. Your daughter is the most important person in this situation. She is unable to take care of herself and needs attention to grow into the woman God intended.

[hollylovesbrandon]

Your wife needs professional help right now. Some psychiatric disorders can be inherited. I'm afraid your wife might be bipolar. I think she should see a therapist. And then, once she starts to get better... you two should see a therapist together. She needs a medicine to calm her overactive brain. A lot of people might call her eccentric? That's a good sign she's bipolar. She can be a good wife and mother if she gets the proper medication and takes it properly. The only problem is that a bipolar person usually will not believe he/she is sick and will refuse to go to the doctor. You will have to be very subtle in your attempts to get her to the doctor. And know that it will take time... sometimes years to find the right treatment. If you love her and want to make it work, then stick by her while she gets better.

[kraussnumber2]

Give it some time! It sounds like you have been together for a few years or so as your daughter is 17 months already. It takes time to get used to having a wife especially being so young and realizing you are to be with her and only her for the rest of your life. BTW I am 21 and have been married for almost 3 years to a soldier. It hasn't been easy especially while he was deployed for over a year before we were even married for year. I thought about leaving because it was so hard but I love him! If you still love your wife you can make it through. Try asking her to make little changes instead of totally changing everything at once. For example if she doesn't brush her hair everyday just ask her to do that... don't ask her to brush her hair and stop doing this and start doing this... etc. And make sure you tell her that you really like it when she brushes her hair. That she looks beautiful all the time but she looks even more radiant when she does her hair. That will make her feel special and make her feel like she can be beautiful. And also make small demands about the care of your daughter... like making sure her basic needs are met. Maybe ask one of your moms to come over during the day and "help" her and show her how to really take care of a baby. And then they can tell her that the diaper needs to be changed or whatever. That way she learns and gets into the routine of taking care of the baby which is so important.
Lastly... if it just is not working for you two... Don't stay together for the baby. You will harm your child more by staying together as you will always be fighting and she will be able to sense if you don't love each other the way you should. Then when she is older she will seek out a relationship like the one her parents have with each other. Im sure you want better then that for you daughter. I hope things get better... give it some time... you haven't been married very long at all yet and it takes time.

[Unhappily_Happy]

Well my friend, it basically sounds like your living with the average "husband"! Everything you described, except for the 2 last paragraphs, is typical male behaviour and us women have to learn to deal with those imperfections.

You have to remember that she is running around with a 17 month old kid all day. Who wants to get all done up when you know that is the only thing your day promises? If you want to see her looking good, why don't you tell her when you leave for work in the morning that you've got a babysitter and you're taking her out when you get home? I will almost guarantee that she'll be looking good when you get there ; )

Now to deal with the more serious issues:
Please please please don't start self diagnosing. It's the worst possible thing to do. This is a call that a psychologist or psychiatrist should be making based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV criteria. Seek professional help.

If you are really at the stage of separation, ensure you get sole custody if she's really not stable. I have to throw this in: you made promises "in sickness and in health" and you're already talking about breaking it.

[xxariesxx]

I am so sorry, this must be such a difficult situation for you.

She doesn't sound like a typical messy, forgetful or absentminded person. It really does sound like she needs help, and it's good you recognize that. I imagine she probably doesn't want any, seeing how she thinks the therapists are a "quack"... but I would try talking to your family, and her family, about this. They can support you as they know her better and how to best get her help.

The above posts are right as far as the child being the most important in this situation. If you truly, truly feel like the child may be in danger then something should be done. No one needs to criticize you for marrying her "for sickness and in health"... this isn't a perfect world and things change. You're right to be concerned for your child, and if she keeps doing unquestionable things I don't think it's wrong to look into sole custody or to work out a situation where you live with the child and she can visit until she has gotten help.

Hang in there and take care.