[pjp]

:( my daughter graduated 2 years ago still living at home. She has changed. She doesn't like me to hug her. She puts more importance in her friends. ( which we have questioned) she is very aware of having a relationship with God. She does well.. until she starts hanging out with her friends.. she doesn't have many girlfriends.. she is very beautiful girl and many girls are jealous of her.. I have done everything to encourage love her.. I have made mistakes and apologize. She just goes to work.. doesn't help with chores.. around house.. just all around doesn't care. After a long period I stopped asking her. I would just love her and do for her. Finally.. when one of her best friends that we thought was a seemingly good influence turns out that she thinks we treat our 20 yearold like crap. I found that out when one night she came in with her and seem like they didn't want to speak.. kinda sarcastic.. I confronted my daughter and ask what is wrong.. my daughter was already upset with us.. because we ask her to abide by our house rules of being in by 12:30 - 1:00 pm. We are told we are too controlling. I told her and her friend that every time she came in we seem to have problems.. now my daughter is not talking to me.. and went over to stay with her. I apologize to them both.. told amber I loved her and wanted her to just be safe and stop treating me like I am nothing. What do I do.. right now.. she hasn't called me or anything. I am so sad and hurt so bad. I have done everything. Do I just leave her alone right now. :(

[Northwind_Dagas]

I think 20 is a bit old for a curfew. I could see how that would cause problems.

[aqua@home]

Maybe 20 is too old to be living at home? I don't know.

[J_9]

I agree with your answers so far. 20 IS a little old for a cerfew, and at 20, why is she still living at home?

I will go further by saying that you MUST stop apologizing to her! Why do you apologize for creating the rules that she is to follow while under your roof? You are the parent here not her. When you pay the bills, do the laundry and cooking and whatnot, she should be abiding by YOUR rules. She should be apologizing to you for breaking the rules.

It seems to me that she may be treating you like nothing because she may be embarrassed because you sound like you have no backbone.

I am sorry that sounds rough, but children respect their parents more if their parents are just that PARENTS, not friends.

I think it is time you two, you and her, not her friends, sit down and have a heart to heart chat. List the rules, if she does not follow, she leaves. If she does not pay rent, she should start. But I would loosen the cerfew, if you have one at all.

As for your last question, do not call her, let her come back to you and then when she does, only let her in if she will abide by your rules.

As my parents always said, if you live under MY roof, you follow MY rules.

[Chery]

Being a mother of a 29 year old, I know it's hard not to worry for your 'child', but we do have to realize that they 'grow up'. The only thing we can do is hope that they soaked in a little of what they learned while growing up under our care. If we did our jobs well, and they become independent we can consider ourselves lucky.

Your daughter will probably come home, tell you that 'you were right' and will probably come home with a new problem at least once a month. That's life.

But while she's living with you, you should eighter expect her to abide by your rules, pay a portion for 'rent' (what I did was put the money in savings for her - she did not know it) to start taking the responsibility for herself and her actions.

She will probably bring home many types of people that you will not like, but it's her way of finding out what types she will be faced with throughout her life and that is something you cannot do for her. She has to find many things like that out for herself.

So, even though she's still your daughter - you need to start treating her as a grow-up, and let her make her mistakes and gain her experiences - even if it hurts.

Good luck, dear, and I hope she calls or comes home soon.

[pjp]

Well.. she just called me before lunch and apologize. To those out there that read my questions and concerns. Thanks so much. I think very soon she will be able to move out soon. We would like to see her do that. She really needs some space to grow now. It would be my preference for her to just stay at home save money and buy and storage furniture for future apt. but keeps spending her money. So I think this time we are going to loosen her curfew and get her to pay some rent.. and then take some wise advice and put in savings and give back to her. Surprise! Anyhow.. we will continue to learn the lessons. And yes I agree I need to change as a Parent in treating her like a grown up. OK.. well bye.. until next time.. thanks for all the advice. Bye.

[CaptainForest]

My advice.

One a child is no longer in school, she should be paying rent or finding another place to live.

Since she is not in college, she should either be paying rent or you should kick her out.

And about the curfew... she's 20, she shouldn't have one.

My curfew stopped after I graduated high school.

Perhaps part of the reason you are giving her a curfew is because you still see her as a child. Don't. She is an adult now, treat her like one. That means, she should be paying rent. And if she doesn't like it, tell her to get out.

Hard love, but it will help her grow up.

[s_cianci]

Yes, do leave her alone, in every sense of the phrase. She's 20 years old. If she doesn't like living by your house rules and your standards, then she moves into another home where the rules are more acceptable to her.

[JoeCanada76]

It is a parents job to raise their child the best we can. The point of raising a child is teaching them from right and wrong and teaching them responsibility as well and independence. So when they are out in the world they will be able to take care of themselves. I would say you are controlling. I would say that you do treat her like a child. She is 20 years old. I can say this and give you plenty of examples of certain people who I know. That their mother had control their lives so much that all they could do is live at home and it is almost as if the mother wants the child to be at home so they can take care of them. I do not believe that is right. I believe that you raise a child to let them have their own life and to let them go. The people I know, Well one moved on and out at the age of 27 years of age and this persons sister is still at home at the age of 32. Your 20 year old is a adult and you need to start treating her like one. Not continue to treat her like a baby. She can do whatever she wants at the same time I do agree that there are rules to follow, but a curfew is not reasonable at that age. So if she wants to leave, and hang out or stay at friends you need to let her go. I know you are worried about her but if you continue to control her it will just push her away a lot further, a lot farther. So you need to relax, and you need to let her do her own thing. Show her your love and understanding and open up to her, but do not push the curfew thing. I left home early myself because of very very very controlling situations and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I am hoping for the best for your daughter too. It is called independence which is a good thing if done that right way.

[Krs]

If this change is sudden, then I believe its to do with her age.
I know what its like to be a 20 year old female.

I was 19 when I left home, actually left my country, it did me a world of good, to grow up fast and became independent. If I stayed at home and never left I would have become a naïve and dependent on my parents, as kids do when they stay at home.

I think its time for her to move and you as a mum have to let her go. She is not a kid.
Also a curfew of 12.30 - 1 is abit tight for a 20 yr old girl. I know I would have gone mental if mum did that to me. I had a curfew till I was 18 yrs old then I could come in what time I liked, I'm not saying my parents never worried, because I remember coming in at like 4am and finding dad on the sofa reading the paper.. telling me he isn't tired but deep down knew he couldn't sleep due to me still being out.

Re: helping out in the house, then yes be strong and tell her she needs to start to help out. Tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult and not have a curfew at all or lenghten it for her then she has to start acting like an adult, and helps you out with house chores. That's only fair!
If it goes 1 way good for her, it goes 1 way good for you.

Parents have to let go sometimes.
It's the best medicine to get their kids back.

Good Luck.

[Stormy69]

It's time for her to fly Mom,
Letting go is hard, but it's something we have to do. If not she will be 38 like my husbands brother, still living at home with you, letting you do everything for her because she hasn't had to do anything for herself.
I say if you live in MY house and do not contribute, you follow MY rules, even if that includes a curfew. It's her choice to still be living off you, if she does not respect the fact you want her home by a certain time, then she needs to support herself.

[Chery]

Well.. she just called me before lunch and apologize. to those out there that read my questions and concerns. thanks so much. I think very soon she will be able to move out soon. We would like to see her do that. She really needs some space to grow now. It would be my preference for her to just stay at home save money and buy and storage furniture for future apt. but keeps spending her money. So I think this time we are going to loosen her curfew and get her to pay some rent.. and then take some wise advice and put in savings and give back to her. Surprise! anyhow.. we will continue to learn the lessons. and yes I agree I need to change as a Parent in treating her like a grown up. OK.. well bye.. until next time.. thanks for all the advice. bye.

Good choice. I know that it hurts to let go, and it's not easy to see our kids do things we'd rather not have them do.. But, just as we had to learn the 'hard way', so do our children. The best we can do is hope that some values 'crossed over', and that they know that they can come to you for support.

Her spending habits is something she will have to learn on her own too. Once she realizes that money does not grow on trees and that there are more responsibilities coming her way, she'll learn to be thrifty.

Just remember how it was when you were her age, and cross your fingers.

[Kenzie]

I'm a little late finding this post, but I was searching for something and ran across it. I am 20 years old, and still living at home. I'll be honest, and admit I would rather not still be at home, but going to college in town, and with the price of even a one-bedroom apartment, here, is outrageous-- it's cheaper to live at home until I'm able to transfer colleges.
I don't know about rules for your situation, but mine are simple: As long as I'm in school AND holding a steady job, I can stay home. Otherwise, I pay rent. Right now, I am not a full time student, because I only need one class to transfer, and I'm stuck with rent. Money Management 101. Perfect for college preparation.
As far as your daughter and her attitude is concerned, I can kind of relate with her, as well. As much as I've always hated to admit, I do not get along with my mom at all. I am just as hard-headed as she is. As long as we don't talk, we're fine. But as soon as someone says something or asks a question, I'm wrong. Okay, that seems harsh. Typical 20 year-old answer? Nah. We're both stubborn, but I'm not willing to argue and fight about something she either doesn't know about, doesn't care about, or can't help with.
With parents, you either smile, nod, be [secretly] ticked off about what's going on, and insanely over-rationalize every possible outcome of the conversation when/if you ever bring it up for discussion... Or you absolutely get an attitude and show you can't be bossed around anymore. (Personally, I get mad and over-analyze everything, never say anything, and, as a result, have had everything controlled for me, because I haven't said anything.)
Unfortunately, my mom and I have no relationship. I'm just here because it's cheaper than getting an apartment for 3 months. I come home from work, go to my room, do my homework, and no one sees me all night. I buy my own food, keep it at work so my brother doesn't eat it when he gets home from school, and only watch TV and do my chores when they go out.
As for the curfew... I do not really have a curfew. I never have, actually. If I won't be home by midnight, I'm expected to call and let them know when I think I'll be home. Or, when I leave, if I know I won't be home until 3am, tell them then. I don't party, drink, smoke, or anything I shouldn't do, so my parents don't worry about that so much as who I'm with, what I'm doing, where I am... the middle school run-down, where my mom does a complete background check of every name I mention, haha. Um, I'm dead serious.

My question, however, is, if your daughter is paying $300 a month ($75 a week), is a student, with 3 jobs, saving for college, and is completely focused on school (pathetic, I know- I just want to get my Masters' and be finished)-- still doing chores, and everyone's laundry-- would you tell her, if she's not out with friends, she has to be in bed, and offline at midnight?
My mom told me, if I'm not out, my bedtime is midnight. Lights out. No questions.
I don't go online until 10pm, and friends in college, elsewhere, don't get off work until midnight. And my boyfriend has classes all day, and works until 1am-- that's, literally, the only time we get to talk.
I'm getting childish now, because I want to have my facts before I confront anyone. But when is being an adult being an adult? When is a given bedtime not necessary? Can she say that to me if I'm a tenant? If I'm paying $300 a month, that, surely, covers my part of the bill. You can't charge rent, and not take into consideration bill expenses, right?
I guess, what I'm asking is, if I were to come up to you about my mandatory bedtime *rolls eyes* at 20 years old, would you agree with my mom?
The way I see it is if I'm late for class, work, or cannot meet the expectations of employers or professors, it's my fault. I'm an adult now. If I fail the class, it's my fault. If I get fired, I can only blame myself. It is no longer her responsibility to make sure I'm someplace on time, fed properly, or sleeping enough, etc.
I am an adult now, and if I screw up, it's my own fault. Once I screw up, I, then, have the choice to fix it or screw it up again. Eventually, I'll learn, right? It's a trial and error process. However, if you're never allowed to fail, what can you learn and gain?
And, when I move away to college come January, I won't have her to wake me up on time, feed me, etc. So, if I mess up now, I'm still at home. If I mess up in 'the real world', life won't be so kind as to not kick me in the butt for it.
((Hehe, honestly, this is why I disagree with her: I've adapted to her coming and getting me, naturally, so I don't bother to get out of bed earlier than I have to. If she never would have babied me like that, I wouldn't rely on her so much. I say, give it 3 days of her not making sure I'm up in time, and I'll learn ;) ))

I hope I helped with your daughters' perspective a little. As your daughter, we don't always see that you're trying to help us. Some parents take it a little too far... But it sounds like you're not. I don't know the situation, so I can't say for sure. But I know, as much as I can't stand my parents for over-protecting me and not preparing me for 'the real world', they care enough to.. well, get me out of bed in the morning.
If I could stand to be in the same room as my mom for any given period, I would take her out to lunch or something-- just for bonding. Frankly, I'm jealous of mother-daughter relationships.
I don't get my bedtime thing. That's just a control issue, if you ask me. She flat-out told me, 'You are a tenant now, and you will be treated like one.' If so, can she really tell me to be in bed at midnight?

[itgal]

Hey there 2 what you have said about your daughter I would lik sumone 2 tell me what I should do about myself.im 20yrs and in 1st of uni. I live wit my parents.well I'm from an asian family so its kind of out of question 2 move out. And I actually don't want 2.but my problem is that my mom is way 2 strick on me. I have no freedom at all. What annoys me is she treats me and my 17 yr old sis n 16 yr old bro da same way. Hello I'm 20. I have a bedtime nt more then 12 until and unless I'm studying and if so then she will stay up wit me.I cnt watch TV till I tell her I'm watching it and all I can watch is disney channel kind of channels.I can't go online till I tell her and when I tell that I'm going she will ask ques like way am I going on what do I need 2 do and all.. I can't do anything which I lik till I ask her... im nt 1 of those people who go out or party... I was living in dubai before I cam 2 uk... whn I cam here I had restrictions that I can't make friends. Not allowed 2 talk on da ph 2 anyone till mom knowz.. I get so annoyed wit all this I do stuff witout telling her bt then I have my brother who goes and tells her everythin. Its like he's spyin on me.n then she goes off shouting and all.. hello a little space... sum freedom... could sum1 tell me if this is rite what my mom is doing.. I love her she take vry good care of all of us no complains about that.. bt there is no bonding between us.. im 2 scared of her 2 share anything wit her and shez way 2 strick wit me... 2 her it seems like v r frendz bt v r nt.. I don't no what 2 do.. shud I talk to her and tell her hw I feel... im nt asking her 2 let me free just give me sum personal space.. I don't have anything personal nuthing.I cnt even keep a diary thanks 2 my mom and bro... plzzzzzzzzzzz help me sum1b4 I go mad wit all this restrictions.. thnx in advance

[Nik00117]

When I turned 18 it was a month before my senior year in High school. My parents told me very plainly they are no longer my parents but friends. Which implies I can do w/e I want, even drop out of high school if I want (which I didn't even consider it was just an example of the freedom they were giving me)

At the same time I have rules, I had to keep my room clean and either spend 5 hours a week working in the house or pay $200 a month in rent. The 5 hours could be spent studying in I needed too.

I had no curfew no rules, I had to call before I bought anyone over though. When I finished High school my dad went it's 20 hour house work time (as in cleaning, cooking, watching my sister etc) or $300 rent. I paid my $300 rent and lived my life I did that 6 months and moved out.

If my parents would have said 12:30 curfew I'd of laughed, I'm not a kid anymore.

You got to let your kid grow, holding them back isn't going help! If anything what my parents did was good. Each year on my birthday they would give me a little bit more freedom. It could have been a bigger allowance, or anything