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movingon · Oct 19, 2008, 04:18 AM

Hi,

I was in a very unhealthy marriage for 15 years. MY ex was very controlling, what I wore, who I saw, etc. He was not physically abusive. Finally after 15 years and one huge argument where he shoved me - I filed for divorce. THe kids and I went to therapy to work things out - I have three kids under 12. To make a very long story short, he was ordered to attend anger management classes and he continues to do this 18 months later.

He didn't see the children for awhile, but has recently started to see them, which is wonderful for everyone. He is much calmer now, and is really trying to be a father to them - although he is not at the point that he can attend any baseball/soccer games or school functions. The kids are very well adjusted with things, the house is much calmer without him living here. About 8 months ago, I met a wonderful, gentle kind man and recently introduced the kids to him and it was pretty seemless which is a great thing. I don't have him around the kids all the time, but about once a month we all go and do something fun together. I am taking my time to adjust to who I am and how my life is going and the kids seem to really like him.

Anyway, my ex met a woman 4 weeks ago and she is around the kids all the time. Why do I care? I don't know, but I am jealous for some reason. I even asked him if he wanted to have coffee with me to see if perhaps we can talk. This is a man I feared and hated, and yet here I am thinking maybe life would be better now. It would be financially, but in my heart I know that I don't love him. Why then do I feel this urge to have him back? I wanted him to meet a great lady for so long and now that he has one, I feel lost. ANd I am dating a wonderful man so all of this makes no sense at all. Lol!

Can you perhaps shed some insight into what is going on inside this crazy brain of mine?

Thank you.

Marie

JBeaucaire · Oct 19, 2008, 05:53 AM

Simple human nature. You've put up with a lot from this man from a position of love. You extended yourself, you tried and tried, then you set in motion wheels of accountability, those wheels are in motion and now he's getting better.

It almost feels "wrong" now that he's fixed because of you that someone ELSE should reap the benefit of the work. But that IS the way it usually works.

The jealousy is normal. Let it be. Ignore it.

AskJenny · Oct 19, 2008, 10:22 AM

Jealousy is normal really; you were married 15 yrs and it's only natural to have a bit of curious jealousy. Remind yourself that a spot doesn't change it's colors and she'll in time reap what you've encountered for the last 16 yrs...
Do you think you have the opportunity to get back with him? Should you if you did? He may repeat that pattern with you because it's what he knows to do?. and maybe he won't; it's a coin toss.
I'd say maintain your jealousy and get on with your life. If he misses you; wants you it'll be after he's experienced life in the fast lane and then he'll miss what he had... that might make him a better person if he does come back and want what he had and is willing to make changes.
Go on with your life as if you aren't getting back together for now. You may meet someone yourself that treats you as you should be treated without the anger management issues.

talaniman · Oct 19, 2008, 12:26 PM

I'd be jealous also, if the jerk I divorced, finally started to get some sense, and some happiness.

I think your smart enough to know that looking back will do no good, and keep things in perspective, and enjoy your own life. You earned it.

movingon · Oct 19, 2008, 12:45 PM

Thank you all so much for your insight. At least I feel that someone else "gets it" and I am not totally crazy. Lol!

You are all correct, I need to stay the course and not get bogged down in any jealousy.

Thanks so much for listening and helping. You have all helped so much more then you realize.

Marie

marcantony · Oct 19, 2008, 05:34 PM

Please realise what you're feeling is normal, accept it and then ignore it.

The woman I was seeing was divorced and went through this but made the mistake of thinking it meant she still loved him. She didn't, but too late for me. Don't mess up what you have now over feelings that will pass soon.