[padraik]

Hello everyone, just need a little advice here. Me and my wife have been married for about a year. Through our dating period and engagement one of my wife's old boyfiends would continue to contact her by phone and letter. I advised that I was not comfortable about this and asked her to handle it. She never did as she stated she "felt sorry for him" thus making me believe she still had some attachment to him as she wouldn't completely break it off.

Well, as time went on I have let her know that it was a bit of a sore spot with me that he had behaved the way he did and that I didn't respect him. Yesterday she ran into him and decided that she needed to have a "closure" conversation with him as she felt she owed him that.Mainly, she wanted to let him know why it didn't work out and such. I became very upset that this far into our marriage she had not closed this chapter and just don't believe its right to bring another man into our marriage at this point. I guess I was more upset that she was more concerned about this closure with him than its effect on me. Please offer any advice at it would be appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

This should have been settled long before you got married.

You both need to get into counseling since obviously she either does not care the way it effects you or she has feelings that she is not admitting.

[JBeaucaire]

I agree, this should've been handled earlier. But it wasn't. So what? You're married now, right? The day that happened you promised to cherish this woman.

So, wouldn't HELPING her work out any residual issues as they occur qualify as "cherishing"? I think so.

Look, you're her man. You're her strength. Be those things. Stand by her and be the helpmate you promised. That means you live with some uncomfortable issues and keep from making your own "feelings" about these things more important than hers. You don't do it. You stand at her side. You support. You console. You counsel. You never, NEVER put a wall up between you two on any issue. EVER.

You don't like it? Fine. I bet she doesn't either. But still she's gentle about it. Be gentle with her.

It's a lot easier for her to keep these things in perspective if you're Mr. Caring Reasonable Helpmate, not Mr. Got His Feelings Hurt and is Pouting Now. And if you're the first guy, she'll keep you included, which is where you need to be.

I'm not sure you need counseling, but you do need to keep each other involved, which means patience, understanding, loving tolerance.

If this is the biggest issue you have to deal with, dude, you are doing great!

[talaniman]

I would have never married her until I was sure she had unpacked her bags.

I became very upset that this far into our marriage she had not closed this chapter

Don't put it all on her, as you let it slide also.

just don't believe its right to bring another man into our marriage at this point

Just me, this is a deal breaker, and you have no one to blame but yourself mostly, as that's the first thing you find out about a potential mate, THE BAGGAGE THEY CARRY.

I would even be insulted, that a female would even marry me, knowing her heart was somewhere else.

Sorry for your situation, and I think you should remove yourself from it completely.