[eltibs]

Okay,

I have been married for over two years and together with my wife for a total four (dating and marriage). Right after we got married I went to law school and we had to move across the country. At first it was rocky, but then things were great for about the last year and a half. However, recently I have been finding myself unsure because of the issue of kids.

A lot of it I think is that I don't want kids right now, and not sure if I ever will. When we got married I was all for kids after school was done. I graduate next year and I already know now I will in no way want kids anytime soon.

What should I do? I mean I don't want kids and she does. But if I tell her this she will leave me and not to mention be completely heartbroken. She has already told me she wants to have kids still. I mean I don't want to have the kids and realize this is still is not what I want. (?)

[Fr_Chuck]

Why don't you want to have kids ? What has changed since you got married,

Normally this is something that is discusses and agreed to before you get married.

Sort of a verbal contract? Sorry law school joke

[eltibs]

No we did agree at first on just one. Then she said she wanted two and now its three. Things have changed though, I am focused on my career. I've changed.

[Fr_Chuck]

And what will having a child stop you from your carrer ?

In fact while it is not right, most larger firms are looking for a family person, wife to be at the garden club with the other wife's and so on.

I can remember in the past, companies taking me on a tour of the town, showing me where I was suppose to live, telling me what clubs they had already arranged for my wife and so on.

Is it the child or actually the entire family that you feel is in your way.

[Dragonfly1234]

May I ask how old you are? I believe that in some cases the idea of kids isn't necessarily what we want but eventually as years go by, we sometimes go back to wanting to add to our family. I know that when I first met my husband, we both wanted kids. A few years later, I was really invested into my career and no longer wanted to have children. We didn't decide we were never going to have any but we did decide that we did not want any anytime soon and that we would re-evaluate sometime in the future. Now, I'm starting to consider the idea of kids again. Maybe in a few years, I don't know. Do you think that you might change your mind (again) at some point?

[JBeaucaire]

The day you said "I do" you promised that would stop seeing the world through your own eyes. You promised that you would honor and cherish this woman, that you would be a man of integrity, faithfulness, reliability.

You got the same from her. And at that moment you two made each other the sole source from which many things can occur for one another in a happy, moral way.

At the time, you were in agreement on the issue of kids. A typical woman is genetically predisposed to want to be a mother. Your wife appears to be no exception and you betrothed her with that understanding.

Now that you are career-minded, you think that means breaking your word or putting your needs solely above those of your lifemate's?

I love my jobs, like all men I derive great distinction in my life from my career. But when jobs come and go, friends, family... all of it SHE has promised to bear with me, for good or for ill.

So I ask, how can you selfishly withhold something you promised, something so absolutely fundamental? She has no other out, you ARE her husband.

Her changing her desire to more kids is also worth pointing out as perhaps not fair in your direction. But the one you initially agreed upon should not be a bone of contention between you.

I can't imagine any way to rationalize this change of heart within your marriage, marriage decisions aren't made that way.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will also look back as a older man, I often put my career ahead of my family, I worked long hours, and did what it took to get to the top, I had it all, the big house, the live in nanny to raise the kids, the sports car, the position an more. But my all my happiness was from the job, and guess what, those come and go,

It took losing a wife to find out that the real happiness comes not from the world, but from your family, the love of your wife and children, no matter if you earn 200,000 or if you are homeless living in your car, the real level of being happy comes from the family.

If you start looking only to your career to be everything, latter in life you will really have nothing.

[JBeaucaire]

If you start looking only to your career to be everything, later in life you will really have nothing.

I agree, and as I said before, he's already started the process of putting himself and his "new" priorities ahead of his spouse.

That can only lead to one thing.

[450donn]

Well, on this one I have to suggest getting a divorce. It appears to me that you are too focused on what does not matter in life ( work)to focus on what really matters (God and family). Bringing unwanted children into the world is not a solution, only another problem for someone else to pick up after you.

[talaniman]

Two choices, keep your promise or leave.

Not fair to agree to something, and build a life around it, and then change your mind.

I don't see why you can't have a career, and a family.
(and enjoy the grandkids one day)

[NowWhat]

This is a "deal breaker" issue. If you had told your wife that you did not want to have kids BEFORE you got married - would she still have married you?

If you are wanting to wait, then wait. But to change the rules in the middle of the game - it's not fair. You can not decide something like this on your own. You need to have a discussion, let your wife know how you feel and WHY.

Again - this is a deal breaker issue.
Good luck.

[Bonnie46]

Wow! Eltibs - this is a touchy subject. You should have been very clear with your wife upfront BEFORE marriage. This is a DEAL BREAKER. Did you really change somewhere along the way? Or deep down did you never really want kids, and at the time thought that they were so far off in the distance, that it didn't bother you?
Do you think you'll be lonely without children when you're 65 and no one calls you up to invite you over for thanksgiving or holidays? Or do you envision yourself as content with older buddies to go golfing with?
If you really don't want kids, that's okay, but you'd better be honest NOW with your wife, and be prepared to let her go - so that she can fulfill that part of her that needs to be a Mom and enjoy the experience of bringing a new life into the world. You can't not have kids, and keep her - that would be selfish.

Good luck.

[bustersmommy]

My future husband is in HR and feels his sole purpose is to work hard so that I and our future children can have a nice life. I will tell you this, his career is very very important to him, but at the end of the day I am the only thing that matters. I am is reason for getting up and doing a good job at work. He knows his job can be taken away in a heart beat, and he knows that there might be a better job around the corner, but he also knows that I want children and he wants to be a father because jobs don't make you who you are, coming home and being a good person to the person you PROMISED to be good to is what makes you who you are. If you are really lucky you can have it all, and it sounds like you have a wife willing to give it all to you, she isn't asking you to give up your career, she is simply asking you to help her fulfill her life dreams the same way you are doing yours. Some woman feel the sole purpose they are here to be a mother, and if you told her you were wanting to be a father that might be why she is still there.. . if you don't want to be a father any more I suggest you give her the option of getting out now. PS. . I am the product of a woman who really wanted a child and man who THOUGHT he wanted one and then realized he was too much of a child himself. I spent A LOT of years being bitter. Don't put a child through that just so you don't lose your wife, you will lose her either way if in the end you really didn't want children.

[orlycst]

I most say that working in ICU at the Hospital I see many people dying that have a lot of family but no one shows up. I've seen others trying to unplug their parents because they don't have the time to remain at the hospital or perhaps the individual had some money. So, I'm a man like you, do love women; however, children are not part of my to do list. They are cute, yes, but the reason for which you should have a child is more related to what you want. Have one or don't for your enjoyment; don't expect anything else. Those who have kids so they can have someone who can take care of them when they get older are selfish.

[Synnen]

My husband pulled this crap on me shortly after we were married.

I told him he got a LITTLE more time to change his mind--but that if HE would not give me a child, I'd leave and find someone who could. End of story. I love my husband, but I have ALWAYS wanted kids, and refuse to NOT have them because he was too much of a baby himself to be upfront about it.

You need to talk to you wife about this, and it would be MUCH better if the two of you talked through a mediator about it--a counselor, pastor, priest, rabbi, etc.

She WILL leave you over this. It IS, as others have said, a "dealbreaker".

[orlycst]

My husband pulled this crap on me shortly after we were married.

I told him he got a LITTLE more time to change his mind--but that if HE would not give me a child, I'd leave and find someone who could. End of story. I love my husband, but I have ALWAYS wanted kids, and refuse to NOT have them because he was too much of a baby himself to be upfront about it.

You need to talk to you wife about this, and it would be MUCH better if the two of you talked through a mediator about it--a counselor, pastor, priest, rabbi, etc.

She WILL leave you over this. It IS, as others have said, a "dealbreaker".

To tell you the truth, you women are in advantage even with the legal system. You don't have anything to loose but rather putting someone to work for you, pay you child support after the "deal" doesn't work any longer for you, oh! And you get to keep the child even when your role as a mother isn't the best. I've seen many couples going through divorce after many years, their wives screwed them over and they just walk away with the price. To smart to put everything I've worked for in any 's hands, sorry! Get some other dumb , I said. However, I'm not saying you specifically are the same way, don't want to run any risk whatsoever!

[missdizzy]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html
U have to let her know if u willnt have kids because its her life and happyness to, u can't just take that away from her.try not to make her feel as if she has to pick u and a life with out kids or no u and she can go have kids because I've seen some one do this before and she never felt the same 4him or had the respect a wife should 4her man.

[Synnen]

u have to let her know if u willnt have kids because its her life and happyness to, u can't just take that away from her.try not to make her feel as if she has to pick u and a life with out kids or no u and she can go have kids because ive seen some one do this befor and she never felt the same 4him or had the respect a wife should 4her man.

What?

First, this thread is at least 6 months old.

Second--I can't understand that at all. Try typing like an adult in normal English. I seriously can't take your answer seriously because it looks as though it were written by a 13 year old with no life experience