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teazher · Oct 10, 2008, 08:01 AM

I have been with my partner for 11 years. It has been full of affairs and lack of trust on both of us. We have three kids together which we raise together. My partner had an affair last year with the neighbour and wanted to leave me. We decided to work on it and the love came back. I actually fought tooth and nail to save my marriage then. However things over the summer went back to normal living and my partner decided to call the person she had the affair with. Their feelings came back and now she says she is leaving me because she can't get over these feelings. We never communicated well for our entire relationship and now I am in therapy and realizing it. I made mistakes but I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. She will not try and says its over and only wants to talk about splitting the assets and children. Is there any hope for me? Why can't I let this go. I feel her feelings for someone else is clouding her decisions and her anger over things I have done have closed her off completely. I think I am crazy for wanting to try
But I don't think you should give up in a marriage when so many aspects of it was good.

JBeaucaire · Oct 10, 2008, 08:48 AM

You're not crazy for trying, but you can only try for you. A woman (or a man) who won't ignore feelings for other people (which will ALWAYS occur, that's normal), if they WON'T ignore them, what can you do?

Fidelity isn't a reflection of love, it's a reflection of strength of will and commitment. Sounds like she really doesn't have either one, and you can't have it for both of you.

It is what it is. You don't have much hope unless she just pulls a rabbit out of her own hat. Be sure you never lie to the kids over what is happening and why. Don't cast aspersions on her unnecessarily, but always accurately depict what is occurring. "You're mother isn't capable of ignoring her sexual attraction to others, so she has left me."

I'm sorry for your loss.

LearningAsIGo · Oct 10, 2008, 08:54 AM

I can certainly respect the fact that you've come into a new light and realized some of your mistakes.

From a completely impartial perspective, however, two major issues come to mind.

1. You have "seen the light" and want to compensate for past mistakes. She has not. If she changes or not, you cannot control. If she wants to leave or not, is up to her.

2. There may have been many good things to your marriage, but sometimes that just isn't enough. Cheating results in a lack of trust and respect that cannot always be regained.

I'd say if she wants out, it may be best for both of you. Since you're becoming a better person, you deserve a fresh start as well, though it will be difficult.

Good luck to you.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2008, 12:41 PM

You tried, and now your partner no longer wants to deal with it.

As much as it hurts, LET THEM GO, mourn for your loss and start fresh.

So sorry!

confused218 · Oct 11, 2008, 09:11 PM

I think you are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. It sounds like the relationship has never been particularly stable, and no matter how committed you are, it takes 2 to make a marriage successful. I have to believe your children would benefit more by seeing you improve yourself and being the best parent you can possibly be than remaining in an unstable environment. If I were your best friend I would tell you to move on and be a better person, for your own sake and your kids'.