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teazher · Oct 10, 2008, 07:59 AM

I have been with my partner for 11 years. It has been full of affairs and lack of trust on both of us. We have three kids together which we raise together. My partner had an affair last year with the neighbour and wanted to leave me. We decided to work on it and the love came back. I actually fought tooth and nail to save my marriage then. However things over the summer went back to normal living and my partner decided to call the person she had the affair with. Their feelings came back and now she says she is leaving me because she can't get over these feelings. We never communicated well for our entire relationship and now I am in therapy and realizing it. I made mistakes but I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. She will not try and says its over and only wants to talk about splitting the assets and children. Is there any hope for me? Why can't I let this go. I feel her feelings for someone else is clouding her decisions and her anger over things I have done have closed her off completely. I think I am crazy for wanting to try
But I don't think you should give up in a marriage when so many aspects of it was good.

450donn · Oct 10, 2008, 08:09 AM

In my opinion unless she is willing to go to couples counselling or at least be willing to talk to someone it will be a lost cause. I hate to say that, but there is no way you can change her mind. She must want to keep the marriage in tact. Remember that in a divorce the only ones really hurt are the children. No matter what happens and if you decide that divorce is the only solution to please be very careful not to use the kids as pawns in your battles, do not try telling the kids that their mother is a no good so and so. Always keep a positive attitude towards your Xwife when around them. And above all else fight to get more than one weekend a month with them. Joint custody, what ever you need to do stay in their lives and be a positive influence for them.

AskJenny · Oct 10, 2008, 07:08 PM

I think she's just done being married to you and you're feeling the rejection of it all. It does hurt and it's draining which makes you just want things back to the way they were. 450donn's right; don't use the kids and see them as much as you can. It doesn't take joint custody to do that... it takes you being in their lives, going to their games, school, taking them to your place to just hang out, watch TV, play a game... AND that is of course if she is willing to let you take them more than just normal visitation which is usually one night per week for a few hours and then every other weekend for the full weekend. Maintain civility w/your ex for the kids sake... if she downs you in front of them; YOU be the bigger party and say oh mom's just mad right now kids; she loves you.. she's just mad at dad.
I'm sorry for you but in the end it's better for the kids if you are apart and not arguing then together and arguing... I don't always believe staying together for the sake of the kids is best; it emotionally scars them to see all the non love between two people and it filters on to them as well. Move on and make a nice home for them for when they are at your house or ask for full custody and let her do the visitation thing.

div2wice · Oct 10, 2008, 08:08 PM

It sounds like you've both been through so much, that she's just done with it. Affairs can really put a heavy load on a marriage, some can recover, most cannot. You obviously still love her and want to make it work, however you can't make her want the same thing.
I agree, counceling is the best thing right now. There is a lot of baggage that needs to be dealt with. But again, if she won't go, or won't put 100% of her effort into it, its useless.
I also agree with the child custody, don't settle for 1 weekend per month or anything crazy like that. Those kids deserve to have both of you in their lives full time. Do whatever you can to work out a custody agreement that is best for those innocent children.