[High Max]

You may think I'm a worthless human being after reading this, maybe I am. I don't like that I am this way, but it's been how I have been for the longest time. I've told a few other people about these things, but they say "boo hoo, the whole teased at school routine, get over it"

I may get that again here, but please understand that some peoples brains cope differently than yours may in that certain situation. We are all different and unique in our thinking structure, so please do not be too critical and hurtful towards me, I am in a lot of pain right now and I'm at my breaking point.

Where to begin. When I was young, Even when I was in kindergarten, I remember that the neighbor kids would harass me and tease me. They were much older than I was at the time, some even in middle school. I was a very young boy. This stunted my ability to socialize with people for a LONG time. I had one friend all throughout elementary school. Girl's would tease me all the time and be horrible to me. They would call me names and I would come home crying a lot. I thought I was very ugly for some reason. I think I was ugly growing up, but I believe that I am fairly handsome now, but I still wonder a lot. Either way, different issue. Let's go into Middle School. I get teased here a little too still, but not as bad. Not until the 8th grade where this one guy just treats me like every day and brings me down.

High School, things aren't much better. No friends, same guy treats me like again when we have gym in the 10th grade. 11th grade, I start to finally make friends, namely with two named Chad and Mike. We hang out all the time, and I finally become more social. Senior year this really fat kid with a loud mouth put me down a lot and harassed me, not sure why I let him get away with this at this point, but I have always taken it when I shouldn't have.

My love life: 1st through 5th grade I had the biggest crush on this girl, but she hated me, and I always ended up teasing her and being mean to her and making her cry a lot. 6th grade, a girl that was really cute. She liked the new guy in school, I was her "friend" who basically just talked to her at school, she didn't seem to want anything outside of school, and she definitely didn't like me. Two rejections that even hurt me at a really young age. Middle school, I thought plenty of girls there were cute, but never really had the courage to talk to them. I did talk to one by giving her a note, which was so stupid. I made an of myself and she thought I was creepy. 10th grade. Boy was this a doozy, I loved this girl so much, and she strung me along and flirted with me for over a year, but never had any feelings towards me. This one crushed me. 12th grade, a cute girl named Sam. I didn't know what I was doing, and she dumped me after about a month and it really hurt. Last year, May. I met Sophia, her and I were together for over a year up until July 28th three months ago. I messed things up, and she left me and moved four hours away, where she now goes to school and has a new boyfriend already. She was me real first true love, we were supposed to move in together and get engaged eventually. I cry even now, crying to God, anyone who could be up there to forgive me for ruining the love her and I shared. I would give ANYTHING to take back the things I did and didn't do, to have Sophia back and fix our relationship. I went as far as faking a car accident to get a reaction out of her, but she barely seemed to care.

As you can see, my life has been filled with rejection. I have had few friends, I have been beaten to the ground, treated like dirt, been made to feel like I am ugly and inferior.

The result? I have become so cynical. I think that everyone is only out for themselves, to further their own goals and desires. I think human beings are filthy, disgusting creatures. When I hear about stories about people dying, being in disasters, etc, it RARELY effects me. I get more emotional when I hear about animals and pets dying or being abused than I do people.

My views on women? Don't take offense ladies, please. I think that all women are very selfish creatures. I think that most of them only care about looks. I think that they are way too picky over small details, too high maintenance and overly demanding. If everything isn't just perfect about a man he doesn't get a chance. The nice guys finish last. Douche bags wearing popped collars and hats twisted to the side with a cocky attitude finish first. I hear women complain about a-holes, yet they go back to them. It disgusts me that they logically understand these men are bad for them, yet so primitively they fall back and allow their emotions to overtake their mind, and they let lust take over intelligence. Then they go back to the nice guy to cry over their spilled milk. They do not seem to value intelligence in a man, or friendliness in general. He seems to have to be a big a-hole , sometimes abusive and controlling.

What has happened to me due to this thinking? I do not even know who I am anymore. I am not a nice guy anymore. I use most women and treat them like garbage. I tried so hard when to be nice, but I got walked all over. I did nothing to anyone, I DID NOTHING. I wanted nothing but peace, I wanted to be loved and cared about like everyone else. I just wanted some friends. I just wanted a girlfriend. This was too much to ask, just because I was a little shy and not outgoing enough. Because I wasn't a loud obnoxious jerk, because I wasn't an . Because I was shy and nice, I got NOTHING, while all of the a-holes who treated me like dirt made gains every which way. Now I am mean and blunt often times. I do not go out of my way to be nice. I will never be a nice guy again because of what it did to me.

I feel so empty. I have become a shell of a human being. I am only happy when people validate my existence and say good things about me. When a beautiful woman finds me attractive, wants to date me, etc. I am never happy unless I am validated. I have tried to overcome this in my own head, but I have failed. The constant rejection and never having anyone there to reassure me has done a number on me. A person shouldn't always have to have praise and love to feel alive, but it's this way for me sadly.

Please help me.

[littlemama1215]

Wow Max this actully made me laugh! You sound just like my husband used to be!! It has taken us a LONG time and a LOT of hard work, but he isn't that man anymore. We have been going to a marriage counsler for sometime now. It has done WONDERS for him!! We have been together for 6 years and for the first time I see him starting to enjoy life. I have been with him long enough to understand his pain and fear and thus I get what you are going through. My only advice is find a good therapist. You may have to go through a few before you find the one that is right for you, But it will be worth it in the end. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!! AND DON'T EVER FORGET YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

[mdh111688]

Hey,

Your post was very similar to my past. I too was teased and put down all through elementary and junior high. I didn't have a best friend until 5th grade (even then, we weren't that close, I didn't even tell her I moved 3 states away in 6th grade). I would never discount your experiences early in childhood and the effects they have on your life now. I am my past. I have terrible problems trusting people and seeing the goodness in them. I'd rather keep them at a distance and analyze them than actually get to know them. You walk into a room, and I will be the one in the corner. I don't know how to socialize do to my past experiences with isolation and bullying.

I am a girl, but I too have had experiences in which the jerks and sluts of my gender get all of the great guys, while I haven't even had a first kiss (I'm nearly 20). Personally, I have found shy, quiet guys much more attractive and easy to get to know than the jerks and a-holes. On that note, I'd say to just give it time. You never know when the right person will come along. I have my fingers crossed all the time.

Like you, I find that I only am able to define myself by what others have told me. I depend on their validation and their opinions. I let all the external input gauge my emotional health and stability. In result, I am a lonely and sad individual as well. It is nearly impossible for me to sort out my thoughts on my own. I have been seeing a therapist for nearly a year and the benefits have been good. It helps so much to be able to have a sounding board for my thoughts; I can't even count how many times she has pointed out flaws in my logic. You see, the thing is, if your logic is flawed, you won't really realize that there is a flaw without outside input. This is where a therapist can help.

As someone who has benefited from therapy, I would recommend that you do seek help. Therapy is incredibly helpful and totally worth it. I hope things get better for you. Just know that you are definitely not alone in your feelings.

[polska]

Max,

I am suffering with the same issues right now. All through school and my young adult life, I have been picked on and put down. I am always looking for praise or reassurance from everyone now. I know exactly what you're going through... It really SUCKS. Find a therapist that you are comfortable with. I have been going to a therapist for almost six months now. It's really starting to help! Give yourself a break! You are a human just like everyone else. You need to get o.k. with yourself and most people will sense that. ( especially women!) Get involved in some healthy activities with some healthy people.
Surround yourself with positive healthy things.
I know this sounds like a lot of blah blah blah. It was like that for me at first.

I was a pack a day smoker, six beers a night drinker, unhealthy eater, out of shape, and was always depressed. About seven months ago I got dumped by the girl of my dreams.

My depression was so severe I couldn't function.
Some one on this site had just a few words that inspired me.
GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY Dying!

I tried three therapists before I found one that I was comfortable with.

I am proud to say that I am a non smoker, I only drink a few on the weekends, I lost 30 pounds, and my life is taking a dramatic turn for the better.

It is not easy! Start with a therapist. Then start to create some goals that will better your life.

When we are healthy, we will attract healthy people.

Good Luck Buddy!

Keep us posted!

[chuff]

Think you're a worthless human being?? Hell I think just the complete opposite. I think you are one of the strongest human beings there is. You were a victim of emotional torture for years... and you survived. Now I'll grant you that you are dealing with that now but you came through and you are now seeking answers. That's not a worthless person that's a strong one.

You correctly pointed out that you brain had a way of coping with what was going on in your life and I agree. I grew up in a difficult household and I can tell you as an adult I have basically retrained my brain to think positive in all situations. I won't lie... I have my moments but it's better then it used to be. I recommend the book "Beliefs" by Robert Dilts and as cheesy as some people think he is, listen to Tony Robbins. He has a CD in which he actually trains you to reprogram your own brain.

[Fr_Chuck]

It can never hurt for any of us to get counseling, to get some level of help. I wish more people could get different levels of help.

[Choux]

Dear High,

Since you are totally living in the past and are extremely unhappy, you have to get professional help from a therapist/psychiatrist to help you break this chain of negativity.

You can have a happy life, believe it or not, if you just invest some time in professional help with the goal of changing. Change is painful, but not more painful than a life wasted in needless negativity.

You can do it. Lots of people have. :)

[MichaelaRulez]

I'm convinced you're my male counterpart :) Everything you said is pretty much exactly how I feel. The only difference is I was never really picked on like you were. I just feel this way for no reason.

[chuff]

I'm curious to know what High Max resolution was?

[High Max]

Hmm.. I still have no resolution to these thoughts, I have a lot on my plate right now. I have a pregnant girlfriend that I'm not sure I love, so I am in a big mess.

I sit here and wish I wouldn't have blown it with Sophia, then this would have never happened to me.

[fryal]

If u want someone to share to,here is my id
[email protected]

[MEEJU]

Hey
Listen, life isn't all that bad. I understand that you have gone through a glimpse of Hell on earth maybe, but you're still living, aren't you?
I'm in a difficult place myself right now, but I can relate to you when you say that being nice brings you nothing. I've always, ALWAYS been nice to people yet they walk all over me. But that doesn't STOP me from being nice. You should ALWAYS be nice no matter what. It just wasn't the right TIME for you to find someone and God was testing you. You need to PASS this test.
Life is hard, unfair and cut-throat. But, does that mean that just because YOU went through a rough time, you should give other people a bad time too?
Maybe because of YOU a nice girl turns bad, because maybe you're her LAST date and afterwards she thinks that there are no nice guys anymore. You really want to be a part of that?
I need you to UNDERSTAND that being nice will ALWAYS have its rewards. You'll start feeling much better about yourself once you DO something for someone else. Maybe school life sucked, but that doesn't mean that every day of your life is going to be hell.
How are you now?
Much love and hoping that you SMILE because I'm a nice girl and I would absolutely love it if you would cheer up.
MJ.

[justheragain]

sweet heart we have all been there

I desceneded into drink


find a good therapist and keep your heart open... omni vinci omini
x

[hatimtim]

I feel the same thing
Except the reason is by kids at school or girls
Its because my Dad
He always put me down
He make me feel I'm useless
He never even told me I love you my boy or wish me a happy birthday
When I get sick he tell me to stop faking it

[SamanthaHayleyJ]

I think, you need to keep your head held high, remember that people always change, you can change to who you want to be, if you don't want to be this man anymore, don't be. See a physoligist, there are so many people around to talk to and yes, some people don't listen or care, but just because some don't doesn't mean everyone won't.
And everybody has gotten bullied, every girl and boy have been heart broken, it's life and there is nothing to do about it. Everybody gets hurt from it, it's not stupid to say your hurt from it, it wouldn't be normal if it didn't hurt you. You just need to remember, that one day, that one girl you dream about, will walk into your life, help you change. That is the girl you want, that is the girl you'll get.
My advice, see a councilor, they really do help.
And try to be the person you want to be, try going on the internet to chat sites and just be really nice to people, it's good practice to be a nicer person, and to your family, start helping them with things you know they need help with and even if it's that bad, try volunteering somewhere, that will make you feel like a nicer person.
You don't have to be this person you don't want to be.