[spoonyluv]

Ok here we go. My girlfriend and I met a year and a half ago. Got engaged after three months and she moved in at that time. She lived with her grandfather and had no job. She used to be a stripper years ago. She has a 4 year old girl. She told me how the girls dad had a drug problem (crack) and beat her on occasion. She took care of her daughter as he couldn't hold a job a real scum bag she said. They are going to court over custody as we speak. I figured this relationship would be easy. I would treat her like a queen and she would love me forever... WRONG. I am 35 and she is 27. I have never lived with anyone. OK... she moves in and things go down hill fast. She would go out with her friends and come home late at 4:00. We would get in a fight about it and she would leave and not come home at all. This went on 20 times or so. I was at my wits end. Then one night she came home at 2:00 and had a break down. Clutched me and left marks.. how she was so sorry and she had screwed this up. Cried like a baby, I thought well maybe she had a revelation. Were good now... NOT! She stopped going out so much but still goes out. I can take her out 1 weekend and spend 150 dollars and the next she want to go out with her friends. I pay all the bills, do sidejobs. Take care of the lawn,take care of her car. Help with her daughter. SHe pays hardley nothing. She keeps most of her money. She has no credit,piece of crap car.Crummy job that she manages to hold down somehow cause she's always late. She is VERY needy. Very insecure. Has to have me tell her she looks good all the time and hold her. All she does is totally disrespect me.Raises hell about me doing more around the house. I give her daughter baths sometimes. Help with the laundry sometimes. Help with dishes sometimes. She does cook every night but I have to hear about all the stuff she has to do around here and I', thinking well I do 100% of everything else you can at least take care of the house mostly. The house stays a wreck,her car is a wreck inside. We got into a week ago because she went out with her friends and wanted me to meet her later. We made plans to meet up at 12:30 and then my phone died. She never showed but tried to call the place I was at. But this is nothing new from her. She turned it around as usual said I could have stopped at a gas station and called her. I said yes and you could have met me when you were suppose too but you chose too stay out with your friends and not meet me. The whole relationship has been like this. She can't do anything by herself and depends on me for everything. So this last fight,She decided to move out. How she's going to make it I have no idea. But she is still asking me for stuff and she moves into her apt. in a week. Change her brakes on her car,use my truck, borrow money for a day to buy furniture. Pay half to have the dog I bought and are giving her fixed next week. How Do I handle this while she lives with me for the next week? I am doing the NC as much as I can with her when she calls during the day but not trying to be a butthole. What about when she moves out,she's going to call. What do I do? I don't want to push her away I just want her to mature and see how well she had it. I used to keep fresh flowers by her bed. I treated her so well. OH and there's trust issues here too. There's been a couple run ins where we had a fight started by her and she has gone online to meet guys on my computer. She's going to court for custody and I know she's going to use me for someone to talk to after she moves. Ignore her all together or what. She is a good person just has major issues with her self. How could she have it so good and be determined to move out. Does she want to party that bad? I gave her everything and got crapped on. Its never enough. HOW DO I DEAL WITH HER FOR THE NEXT WEEK WHILE SHE LIVES HERE AND AFTER SHE MOVES OUT. Is it the all of me or nothing or what?

[spoonyluv]

I just thought of this. If she's so needy and I don't talk to her will it back fire and she will find someone else that will. I love her and just want to help her. There may be no fixing this but if your dog is sick you just don't drop it off in another neighborhood. You take it to the vet. She needs help. Am I being used. She seems genuine. Just has major issues with her self. She thinks I did so much wrong. That I should take care if her totally and split all the house chores. I should have no problem with her going to bars with her friends. I believe we have a family and she should'nt want to do these things so mush. Once in a while blow off steam yeah,but not every weekend almost.I was going to help with everything she needs to move out and then cut her off. NO CONTACT. I'm even ignoring some of her calls now. I figure if its important she leave a message. Is this the way to handle it. Do I not be a friend and lend an ear after she moves or what? I wouldn't have pulled the crap on her that she's pulled on me on my worst day times 10. Does she just not love me as much as I love her?

[High Max]

It sounds to me like you are the sugar daddy. Whether she is really into you is difficult to say. I wouldn't give her another dime.

Also, many studies have proven that most strippers have identity problems and very low self esteem, poor self image. These things can cause an insecure woman to cheat, and it sounds like it already has happened. Your best bet is to meet someone new who has their head on straight and is mentally healthy.

[JBeaucaire]

Does she just not love me as much as I love her?

I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but you asked the question.

Answer #1 - No, she doesn't love you the way you love her.
Answer #2 - No, YOU don't love her the way you think you do.

You thought hooking up with a party-girl-mother, getting engaged in 3 months and moving in together would equate to an easy relationship? And you think SHE'S got issues? Dude, you got 'em, and you got 'em bad.

You are dating a real person, with real habits, real baggage and a real personality that is not manipulated simply by you being her sugar daddy and treating her like a queen (or your idea of what that means.) She's still herself.

And you are still you. Sit still for this and listen: You don't love her like you think you do, not at all. It sounds like you love the idea of what she SHOULD be and isn't, you love the idea of being the provider and being admired and she isn't responding that way. You love the family image of what your fiancé should think of you... and she doesn't.

Dating is supposed to be investigative. You date, find out why you shouldn't be together and move on. That's the formula. After doing that successfully for years, you finally find yourself in a relationship where no matter how hard you look, you CAN'T find reasons you shouldn't be together... so you stay together. A year to two in you get engaged, married, THEN move in together.

You, on the other hand, are treating this WHOLE scenario like she and the universe owes you some respect simply because you're so nice. What's that all about?

Go back to the basics, man. Date for the enjoyment. Pay attention to who people ARE, stop pursuing who you wish they were, or who you are trying to make them. Never going to work that way.

This girl leaving is a chance for you to undo the damage you've done to your life and are attempting to do to her life. She doesn't need to change anything for you, she really does get to lead her life the way that makes sense to her without you giving her grief about it. Really.

If you two aren't compatible, then you aren't. It's a SUCCESS that you discover that and move on without destroying each other in the process. It's a reflection of how mature and wise you are if you can do that. Can you?

Keep in mind just how out of control your whole story turned out. She didn't do this to you. You did it to you.

And remember, I'm on your side. I want for you all the things you want for you, all the things your story make it so clear are in your sights... I want that for you, too. I'm telling you straight you won't ever get it the way you tried here.

[spoonyluv]

Wow thanks I see your point. But I thought I was saving her from the harm she was causing herself. I see your point,thanks

[talaniman]

After all you have been through, seems like you would have had enough of this one way love drama, and cut it loose.

You have enough facts in your face, but your ignoring them, and think things will change?

My advice is to let her moving out be the end of this experience. Then dissappear from her life, so you wont be used, and abused any more.

[pimp_mah_alpaka]

Your this ladies door mat.



But still, you can't go on believeing that if someone was a stripper and had a kid it would be an 'easy relationship' a strong relationship is one that takes time to mould- not 3 months. Be wise with the decisions your making. And not every relationship is perfect, so you don't have to treat her like a queen 24/7.

[spoonyluv]

Awesome answers. Thanks. Its hard to write with feeling. I didn't want to be a sugar daddy, she just isn't contributing to the bills much. Says I would be paying rent if she was here or not. Stuff like that. She had nowhere to go is why she moved in with me so soon. Her grandfather wanted her out. She's here so I'll have to continue later.

[talaniman]

You came along at the right time, but now its time to go, and let her do whatever she wants, without you.

[spoonyluv]

Well she's gone now... cleaned me out. Her dad sent her money to move out. She left with a grin on her face while she was talking to her new "friend" I think. I got drunk a couple times this week and told her how I really felt. Didn't help but sure made me feel a hell of a lot better. Now that she is holding down a 1st shift job and taking a couple of classes at a local communitty college,guess she thinks she got it together. It took all this fighting to get her straightened out and now she done. My house stayed a wreck,I did everything to keep us afloat. She totally disrespected me constantly. Hell she was even late moving out. She has real issues and I hope she gets them worked out... probably not. Let her new boyfriend put up with the crap. I feel pretty good because I not worrying about what she is going to do to me next. I kept her around because I was so physically attracted to her. She 27 and this was her 5th time being engaged, Problem? So I'm done with her and ALL!! the hurt she put me through. When someone tells you... you know if you would have married me I would have stopped doing all these things... PLEASE! GET HELP! Thanks for the advice guys. Good bye Christine... Hello NC!

[AskJenny]

Who's you should be so glad she is out of your life; and I hope you do the NC thing. She used you while she could for everything and wanted more from you still... This was a one sided relationship so long as you gave her what she wanted and anytime you reared your head to oppose you had a fight... YOU aren't wrong here; she just needs to grow up and WITHOUT YOU. Don't get engaged again until you really date and know that person much better than 3 months can lend. She's been engaged 5x? That speaks volumes to me... and the red flag should have come out to you on that.
Good luck to you on your next relatinship but seek advice before you make a move and please take some time to figure out just what your standards are for a mate. Not saying a stripper can't be a good mate but I agree with other posters that "self esteem" issues are at hand and "low self confidence" but in her case she isn't looking to share her life with anyone unless they give ALL of themselves to her and worship her on an hourly basis.