[lovelen]

My ex and I were together for about almost two years and were each other's first loves. We were extremely happy and loving and spent every minute together until he started to drift and wanted his "space" he started to lie about where he was and flaked out on me countless times. He ended up breaking up with me because I became possesive because I felt him drifting and iddnt want to lose him.. big mistake. But after we broke up I found out he cheated on me for three months straight.. from February 08 to the end of our relationship in April 08.

The reason why he cheated on me is extremely bizzarre and its hard to believe but its 100% true. His cousin was lesbian and liked her best friend(who liked guys more) that she kissed. His cousin asked my ex to please pretend to date her best friend so that her best friend wouldn't meet a guy and leave her for him. So my ex is a push over and agreed to help.. it was supposed to be innocent but he kissed her throughout the entire three months. But nothing more... I became friends with the girl and we three-wayed and he told both of us she was nothing to him.. he had no feelings for her; he was just helping his cousin.

After we broke up I did the terroizing and calling and begging and all that stuff I'm not supposed to.. but after a week I stopped and didn't talk to him for about three weeks? I met a new guy he was great! Treated me well but I thought it was way too soon to date.. but of course when my ex found out I had a new guy he came back and wanted to be "best friends" I ended up leaving the new guy and running back to my ex.. we dated on and off until the end of July.. that's where he met a new girl

He told me he didn't want things AGAIN. So I stopped talking to him for about ONE WEEK and found out he was dating her.. its funny beause I think I made them want to date each other because I was trying to keep them apart.. big mistake on my half I feel so dumb.

So now they have been together for two months.. and once again he is back in my life and doesn't want to lose me as a FRIEND because "i mean alot to him and made him who he is today"

This past week we hung out and not to my surprise, we got intimate. He cheated on his new girlfriend with me.. but then two days later he told me he regret it and begged me not to tell her because he really cares about her.. I asked him why is it that you tell me you love me and miss me and care for me so much, more than her but you still chose to stay with her instead of coming back to me? He tells me "i know that if we get back together things would be perfect and we'd be happy but i want to try something new.. and why should i end things with her if she hasn't done anything to me that i should end things with her"

I don't know what to do. I don't think me or him could ever get over each other.. should I just stay friends with him and hope that one day we'll get back together? I really don't want to hear answers that hurt.. but I know there will be plenty. Just help with answers that could help me get him back! I love him! And I care about him so much.

[friend4u178]

Why would you keep your life on hold for someone who lies and cheats on you? He is keeping you close as his back up for when/if things don't work out with his GF , and he knows he can because your allowing it.

Sorry I know it hurts but you really need to let go of this guy and start afresh or you'll be stuck in this situation for as long as he wants.

There is some real good reading on this site so browse around and you'll realise there are so many more out there in your situation or very similar. Then just come on and vent whenever your feeling down.

I really wish you luck!

[starbuck8]

Well, I know that you said you don't want answers that will hurt, but unless you get them, you will be in the very same place that you are now, and that won't help you in the least.

This guy is only telling you things that he knows you want to hear, when he is with you. I could see in the unwritten words from the very start of your question. Why do you want to settle for someone who does not respect you as a person, let alone his girlfriend.

He has proven his disrespect towards you, and you are rolling over for it, and he knows it! He knows that whatever he does, that if he just says a half-hearted "sorry"... and a 'fingers crossed behind his back'... I love you, that you will melt like butter in his hands. You are giving him that control and more.

There is nothing more unattractive than a girl that doesn't have enough respect for herself, than to demand that respect, and not stand for anything less.

This is NOT love, this is obsession and infatuation. Love requires honestyand respect on BOTH parts, and that is NOT what you have in this so called 'relationship'!

What kind of "MAN" with any kind of morality or respect would play games like he did to "help" his cousin. That's a child's game! It's not something a man with any moral character would agree to play.

It will hurt you, and we've all been hurt. You are free to challenge me on that one, but believe me, the hurt will be much less if you walk away NOW! Otherwise, be prepared to be hurt 10 times as bad, after you've wasted more of your life going after this guy and trying to get him back.

There is some growing up to do on both sides here! I know you are going to be pissed as hell at me, because I told you things you really didn't want to hear, but it's life honey, and you NEED to go through some hurt in order to know what and what NOT to do in your future relationships.

I am sorry that was so harsh, but I wish someone would have told me these things when I was younger. Demand respect for yourself, and don't accept anything less!

Good Luck, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

[lovelen]

Actually deep down what you guys are telling me I already know myself but I'm in denial. Its just that I really hope to have him back because I do love him.. I've tried the no contact thing but that doesn't really work because we just end up back in the same place as "just friends" when we still get intimate and love each other and yadadyaydayd but he won't leave his new girlfriend for me.. I hate this. I wish I was stronger to stop and stay away!

[brkfstatiffs]

I think to have that possibility, you first have to let go of that thought, that possibility... live your life move on, and then one day if it's meant to be it will work out. But you can't hope for it. You have to move on.

[starbuck8]

actually deep down what you guys are telling me i already know myself but i'm in denial. its just that i really hope to have him back because i do love him.. ive tried the no contact thing but that doesnt really work because we just end up back in the same place as "just friends" when we still get intimate and love each other and yadadyaydayd but he wont leave his new girlfriend for me.. i hate this. i wish i was stronger to stop and stay away!

What you are not understanding, is that HE doesn't love YOU! He is using you, he is using his girlfriend, and as long as you will let him, he will do it! People do what works for them, and you my dear are "the other woman". Of course he won't leave his girlfriend! He has his cake and he's eating it too. He knows that if he comes running to you, he will get laid, and then he can run back to his girlfriend for a little more action. Do you not have anymore respect for yourself? What is there to love about this guy? I think you are in love with the fantasy of the guy you wish he would be. Well he's not that guy! He's a liar, he's a cheater, and quite obviously is not to be counted on, or trusted!

Even if you DID get him back, do you actually think he would not be running to the ex, or some other girl, and then playing her too? I would bet everything I had in the bank that is exactly what he would do! How much of your life are you willing to waste on this guy? You will be in for a lifetime of sorrow if you keep on playing right into his hands. Run, don't walk away, as in yesterday! Trust me, this isn't my first rodeo girl, and I can see exactly what is going on here. Again, I'm sorry to be so harsh, just trying to tell you exactly what will happen if you let this continue. Believe me, you WILL find someone else, but learn to love and respect yourself first.

I know it hurts, but do it for you! Good Luck!

[liz28]

In order to get over you must leave him alone completely. You can't be friends with him so why try. Let him be someone else problem and not yours. Close this chapter of your life for good and don't revisit it. He made a fool of you too many times and you deserve better. Start telling yourself that and believe in those words. For that reason alone you shouldn't want him back. You deserve something permanent not temporarily in your life. Life can go on without him otherwise this yo-yo affect will continue and you will lose out on a lot of great guys.

[lovelen]

It's true. My ex called me today and we talked for about an hour and during our conversation the question of "will we ever date or be together again?" and all he could say was "i dont want to say anything because i don't know what i'd want in the future and if i say one thing but do another in the future i dont want you to use my words against me" I don't like this one bit. It gives me false hope but then again makes him seem like he isn't the bad guy.

[lovelen]

Oh and does "the magic of making up" really work!

[starbuck8]

Once again. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that very very rarely happens, except in the movies. I wouldn't give that much of a chance at all, sorry to say. I think that in a few yrs. if he has totally changed, and can prove it, there might be a slight chance of having that magical thing happen, but that is like putting all of your money on one bet in Vegas.

It was good that he didn't make you any promises, to give you false hope. But I've heard that line so many times from guys that just want to take the easy way out, and still seem like the nice guy. It's pretty much the same as the old, "I just need my space", or "It isn't you, it's me!"

There really isn't anything that you can do to get him back. I'm sorry. :( But, if it's even a SLIGHT possibility that you can "get him back", the best way to go about that, is to show him that you don't need him, and go out and do things to better yourself, date other people, and show him that you DEMAND respect from him and everyone else.

You don't have to go on 'serious' dates for now, just casual ones, and put yourself out there. Don't call him, don't text him. Don't answer his calls or texts. Take him off Myspace, Facebook, MSN, whatever you have. Don't go to places you know he hangs out at. Don't try and get info from his or your friends. A friendship at this point will NOT work. You will only get your hopes up!

It's hard hard hard... it's torture!. and boy do I know it! But if you want to hang onto your dignity and pride, that is what you need to do for yourself!

He has made up his mind, so cry your eyes out, scream at the top of your lungs, talk to us here, talk to your friends and/or family, but whatever you do, don't contact him. I'll let out a big scream for you too if you want. I'm about due for a good scream anyway! :)

[friend4u178]

Had to spread the rep starby , but I agree with you 100%

[AmExp]

I have been there before and it is not worth it in the long run. All you can do is think about if that person is cheating on you or if they still care about you and that is NO WAY TO LIVE. Your self-esteem diminishes and it gets worse. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants... except to use you at his disposal. RUN! I should probably be doing the same.

[lovelen]

Before I start blabbing on I want to thank you starbuck8 for answering my question and helping me with my sticky situation :)

Hmm I was thinking about the "no contact" and "making him miss me" stage and I already when through that with him I think! That's how we got to the "just friends" stage. Because before this about two months ago? He wanted NOTHING to do with me. He would ignore my calls or answer and tell me to "just leave him alone" and I DID for two long months! And that's when he came back and said "lets be close friends.. i can't stand not having you in my life.. if i could, i would trade our two year relationship for a lifetime friendship" sounded kind of like bull but that's what also kind of kept me by his side. I did some research on my spare time and it said that if I stay friends with my ex, even though he has a new girlfriend, it gives me more of a chance to get him back because I can show him or remind him how great we got along and how great of a girl I was. And I know if I went back to ignoring him and allla that stuff we'd end back here being friends again. Because he was my best friend and we both missed having each other there to talk about EVERYTHING. He doesn't have any other friend that he can talk about things with like the things he tells me. And its true, his friends don't really know him like I do.. no one does. And they all know it.

Butt if you honestly think that I should go back to ignoring him, I can. Its not hard I've done it before I just don't think that it would make things better. I think staying friends is actually giving me more of a chance and it keeps me sane. I'm not so obbsessive with him as I was before! I don't lurk on his page even though he was the one to add me back as a friend. And I never ask around about him and I actually asked my friends never to tell me anything they hear about him and his new girl. And when me and him hang out he never talks about her unless he needs my advice and I'm always there to give him positive advice.. I never talk down on her! So I don't know! Im a lost stubborn girl.

[AmExp]

Been there and done that. Played that obsessive crazy g/f and also left him alone as well. If you were good him, deep down inside he knows it. Especially when you do not contact him and just leave him alone.

[lovelen]

amexp you think that I should really just stop contacting him?

[AmExp]

It hurts so much to do it but YES, leave him alone! Let him come to you! What he is doing is messing with your mind and emotions. It is not healthy nor is it fair. All you are doing is feeding into his ego and he is loving EVERY minute of it. Eventually you just become a pest and soon enough his number will change and that is the worst feeling ever. Why keep up with him? Because you "love him"? Because you will "miss him"? WHY?

[lovelen]

He is coming to me! He calls me to hang out and calls just to talk! He's being really nice &not to get in my pants. To actually keep our friendship going. And he's not going to cut me out because he's the one that is scared to lose me as a friend as of right now. He tells me he loves me and misses me!

[AmExp]

Ok well it seems like those are games and that right now you have what he wants but hey, do what you feel is right. It just doesn't SOUND like this is going to get anywhere. However, you have to ultimately decide what is best for you. If you miss the guy and think it could work then do as you wish.

[brkfstatiffs]

Been there and done that. Played that obsessive crazy g/f and also left him alone as well. If you were good him, deep down inside he knows it. Especially when you do not contact him and just leave him alone.

AGREED. And yes, you really should stop contacting him! It will be hard, but it is a phase of life and of love. We have all been through it. It sucks, the thought of that person not being in your life, but it's reality. Keep yourself busy. You deserve better, and I PROMISE you, you will find better.

[brkfstatiffs]

he is coming to me! he calls me to hang out and calls just to talk! hes being really nice &not to get in my pants. to actually keep our friendship going. and hes not going to cut me out because hes the one that is scared to lose me as a friend as of right now. he tells me he loves me and misses me!

Be strong hun. Move on. I didn't read your whole post but if he cheated out on, is into another girl etc etc, it's not worth it. He is messing with you, because you are making yourself vulnerable to it. Don't be such an open door. Of course he is coming back because he knows you are there. The moment you are not there, he will start to get some sense in him. Don't contact him, don't anser calls messages IM's nothing. It will make you a stronger lady in the long run.