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junkmail3432 · Sep 29, 2008, 09:09 PM

My first love and I dated some three years ago for about 12 months. When he moved away, we continued our relationship long distance for about three months before realizing it was pretty pointless to do so from halfway across the country. We have remained very, very close friends and I simply assumed that my feelings for him had remained unchanged throughout that time. I still speak to him on the phone for hours at a time because just hearing his voice can uncloud even the worst of days. Each time he comes out to visit (which is only about twice a year) I find myself attracted to him both physically and emotionally, and both are urges I have tried to resist so I can move on in my life.

About four months ago I began dating someone else who lived near me. At first I just thought the relationship to be a passing phase but I really grew to care for and love this new guy. He was with me for three months (over summer) before he moved to Chicago for a job. In his absence, I find myself rekindling the feelings I had for the first guy and retaining those for the second equally strong. I'm in an incredible dilemma - it has been difficult to concentrate on little else because I can't choose between them and I don't know how to figure out if the feelings I hold for the first guy are some imaginary view of a perfect guy who doesn't actually exist or if I really do hold more feelings for my first love.

Help, please?

JBeaucaire · Sep 29, 2008, 10:01 PM

You're trying to choose between two men who have BOTH moved away, effectively meaning whichever you choose, your relationship still a long-distance 'holding pattern'?

Didn't you already say you knew those were pointless?

Sounds like you've managed to convert one long-term crush into two, both with no option for resolution.

If we give you advice on how to "pick" between these two geographically challenged choices, what will you DO with the choice? Are you packing and trying to decide which city to move to?

junkmail3432 · Sep 29, 2008, 11:07 PM

Well yes, within the next 6 months I would be planning to move to be with either of these two men, which is why I'm having difficulty choosing. Sorry I didn't specify that earlier

JBeaucaire · Sep 29, 2008, 11:29 PM

First, take the "love" thing off the table. Love is frequently a forever thing. I still vividly remember my love for my first three "real loves"... and I married my 4th, ultimately best love. The first 3 were completely legitimate, but forever wasn't possible because of all the OTHER issues required to make a go. Love is just a starter-pistol, you have to run/win that race in the real world.

So, your love-connection-feelings-wise is real, but possibly irrelevant. We'll see. Meanwhile, this is the reason you feel the dilemma. Love doesn't always "fade" as one would hope, especially after 3 short years. This is why I say you need to disregard the love aspect for now.

All you can really do at this point is contact each man and give them individually your predicament, let them weigh in. One or both of them may solve the thing for you outright.

"Bob, in about 6 months I am looking to make a move, possibly to your city. One of the reasons, if not the main reason, I would make this move it continue the wonderful relationship we once had and see if something permanent might be possible. Do you ever think of me this way as I still do you? If not, I'll understand, so do be honest, and I am seriously considering this and need your input to help decide."

Let us know what each man responds.