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KellyontheBeach · Sep 18, 2008, 04:23 AM

My boyfiend and I have been together for 4 months, we have both not been in serious realtionships for a long time and the time we have been together has been a difficult adjustment (as we were not friends before we got together)
A few weeks ago I found several messages from his ex on his phone, not explicit but the volume shocked me, they were flirty and she referred to me as "the competition" I was really very angry and we had a huge row, he says he never met up with her and it was only texts which he now knows to be wrong and apologised. We have been really happy since then and he has been making a real effort.
I went on holiday last week, to somewhere I have a lot of friends and exes. On my return a friend of a friend, claims she has been havig a Facebook relationship with him, with several messages which she says she will provide.

I don't know what to do, my friends are so angry and just want me to dump him. But, I want to wait and see what they say, and see the proof for myself before making as decision. I won't be lied to and I have made that very clear to him and he is backpeddling a lot when I have asked him about it.

Help!

Chorine · Sep 18, 2008, 05:04 AM

Hi :) I am no professional on relationships, but your situation makes me wonder if your boyfriend is really serious about his relationship with you. Technically speaking having a Facebook relationship may not be exactly cheating, but it does seem like he is still searching for something, even if it is just some excitement to spice up his dull moments. You should go through the evidence that your friend is willing to provide to you... but you also need to see if this relationship has potential to survive for long term. Is he sincere about his feelings for you? Do his ACTIONS show that he honestly cares for you? Maybe you should pay attention to the vibes you get from him... one's body language conveys far more than one is willing to say...

imation · Sep 18, 2008, 05:05 AM

If he isn't serious about being with you and no one else... its not a question of "dumping him" its more a questions of why are you with him? It seems you want someone focused on you and not having these "text message/facebook" relationships with others.

If I were in your situation, I'd calmly confront him with questions like is he as serious about this as you are, and have these "text message/facebook" relationships been happening to the extent that others say they are. You don't need to be dramatic about it, just honest and realistic.

KellyontheBeach · Sep 18, 2008, 05:28 AM

Thanks you guys, I don't know how I feel about it at the moment, I am very calm. I just want to see it for myself.

He said to me last night, that no matter what has happened, he has never cheated on me and would never. Like you both have said, I need to see the extent of the messages, then talk to him calmly about the future and where he see's it going, if anywhere.

Its nice to talk to someone who is not screaming at me to dump him, or to get angry and go off the scale about it. I know my friends are just worried about me, but its frustrating talking to them when they offer no real advice but to dump him.

talaniman · Sep 18, 2008, 06:58 AM

If you have expressed how you feel about his behavior, and he does nothing about it, or continues, then its up to you to decide what to do about it, and if its worth staying. Texting may not be cheating, but if it makes you uncomfortable, don't just go along with the program. The choice to stay in a bad situation is up to you.

brokenhearted1515 · Sep 18, 2008, 07:10 AM

I think that's almost like emotional cheating. Would you do it to him? Do you want to always be checking his phone? Will this always be in the back of your mind? I would wonder why is she referring to you as the competition? Sounds to me like this guy is very immature if he can't communicate with you about this situation. Drop him. If you let him get away with this, he will think it is OK. What's next?

Romefalls19 · Sep 18, 2008, 07:32 AM

I don't agree with you telling her to just drop him. He can't control who texts him, but he can control what he says back. I would wait to see what these messages say, if they are as bad as the friend makes them seem then drop him but benefit of the doubt should be there