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Worried Auntie · Sep 13, 2008, 10:01 AM

I have posted once before about my nice living with me. It has been almost two months since she moved in and things are really going pretty good. We have been working on her ability to play with others and not throw fits. She's never played games before, of any type. It is coming along really well, she gets along with the kids and she plays sports which is all helping her at school. She didn't get in trouble at all this week, which is a humongous improvement from the prior weeks. The only real problem that I have is that her dad never calls her. Never talks to her unless he's paying me, he does do that. He goes weeks without picking her up at all. Then when he does he'll just show up and say "Are you ready to go?". She never wants to go. Cries and throws fits. Holds on to me and my daughter not wanting to leave. She told me that if she got in trouble she wouldn't be allowed to come back. These are not fake tears, she is six years old. It breaks my heart to tell her she has to go. I have only minimal rights at best to put her in school and take her to the doctor. I do consider her mine, we've been there for her her whole life, she knows we are the Aunt and Uncle but she calls us her Mom and Dad when talking to anyone else. I also have an issue with her dads wife. She told her the last time that she went to stay the weekend that she doesn't live with us. She only stays there so she can go to school. I can not see the point in telling her this as she is constantly at our house. She has her own bed, own stuff. She sleeps there, goes to school there, does her homework there, we do all of the daily routine for her with NO help at all from them. When she comes back from her dads she has a horrible attitude and it takes days to work out the 'kinks'. My real question is how do parents look into their children's tear filled eyes and tell them that they have to leave with their other parent(s)? This is truly breaking my heart because I can not prove that he is unfit. By technicalities, he has a house, job, sufficient pay, a wife, he doesn't beat either of them. But when it comes to her they do not provide the mental and emotional support that she needs. She plays by herself constantly and only gets attention when reprimanded. Even when she does something good (like a week at school without getting in trouble) all he says it well that's good. No emotion is shown at all. He doesn't tell her bye when he leaves or give her a hug, nothing. The worst part about it is that she is used to it. She knows that he doesn't love her, she will tell you that. :confused:

CESElizabeth · Sep 13, 2008, 08:34 PM

Worried Auntie, I was in your situation over 25 years ago. That child is now an adult with children of her own. She wants her children to have the same relationship with me that she had. You make sure she knows you love her with all your heart and soul. When she is old enough (I did this when she was 4 years old) you talk to her about law. How sometimes the law requires we do things, like letting her go with her parents and as long as we do as the law says and the parents are happy not angry with us, we can be together. I will always be here for you, I will always come for you when you call and if they ever hurt you tell me.
I never said a bad word about her parents or the situation, she knew. I let her talk about it. I never judged but made sure she knew what we could do and what could happen if we did it. She memorized my phone number and my address, she knew what police were and I had her talk to a few so she could recognize help. She could go to them and tell them about me and I would come. I told her about and showed her fire stations, there is always someone there. I showed her different people she could go to if she needed me.

It was the best I could do, I did try to get them to give her to me but it never happened. She knew from our conversations that I wanted and loved her and tried. As an adult she told me knowing that was important to her and made a difference.

Frankie

Worried Auntie · Sep 19, 2008, 10:07 AM

Thanks Frankie.

I knew it was going to be hard when we agreed to the situation but I never imagined it would be this hard. I had a talk with her when she came back this weekend and let her know that she can always come to us. That she always has a place here. It was a pretty difficult situation. She's 6 but because of her background she seems to be a little behind as far as socially wise. But hopefully everything will work out for the best.
Thanks again for the advice, it's not nice to know that others have to go through it but sharing sometimes helps others.

CESElizabeth · Sep 19, 2008, 05:23 PM

She now knows when she has to leave it is not your choice, it will make a difference. I gave mine a charm bracelet. She wore it all the time, we added links as she grew. Every charm had a memory of something we did together. Her first charm was a heart to represent she always had my love. She could touch it and know I was with her.

Frankie

Worried Auntie · Sep 23, 2008, 09:28 AM

All H*ll broke loose this weekend over a couple of questions. The bad thing was that they weren't directed to her dad they were directed to her step mom and she thinks that everyone is out to get her and everybody thinks that everything is her fault and she whines all the time about how she does this and she does that. (The step-mom). Anyway she talks about how she bends over backwards to do whatever the child wants and she is always giving up for her. It is always this way. Every time something happens it turns out that everyone is jumping all over her and blah blah blah. She is a rather odd woman and didn't want any kids to begin with. The dad doesn't seem to want anything to do with her but he picks her up occasionally to appease his wife so it doesn't look bad for her to her parents and such. BULL. It is crazy around here right now. My husband and I would like to file for full custody of her but her Grandmother wants us to wait until school is out. Not really sure of the full reason other than I think she is hoping that he will change his mind. I don't even know if he would go for this or not. I am just afraid that he will pick her up one day and then not let her come back. If this happens then we won't get to see her anymore. I am fairly sure of this. No real questions this time I guess I just needed to vent a little to someone outside of the picture. Thanks for listening and have a great day.:eek:

sylvan_1998 · Sep 25, 2008, 07:03 AM

I would caution reinforcing that her father does not love her. He probably does the best he can and in fact he has not totally abandoned her. I would correct her when she says her father does not love her. I would say he loves her the best he can. Sometimes people just are not as good as showing it. If not, she may look for the fatherly love in all the wrong places as a teenager.

Just my two cents. It also will give her confidence to do things the best she can and know it will be okay.

Worried Auntie · Oct 1, 2008, 11:14 AM

I have never once told her that her Daddy does not love her. We actually tell her he does. She insists that he doesn't. How would she not? He doesn't call her, he does stop to see her. He only stops to pick her up occasionally. He didn't even call her on her birthday. This is not simply that he just doesn't know how to show her love because he used to. It's just been getting worse over the past couple of years. Honestly I do not know what is going to happen with this situation yet. I know I would like to get full custody of her but I am worried about how to go about it. I do not want to file and then he will take her away and we will NEVER see her again. Her grandmother doesn't seem to think that that is what will happen but I do not know anymore.

Xrayman · Oct 1, 2008, 04:32 PM

I think that advice given by CESElizabeth is spot-on. I think that what you are doing is noble and to be commended. The father is too worried about the step-mother who he is married/defacto with, whatever, and the grandmother is a nutbag-she is in denial.

You must maintain the love connection so she sees that there is love for her from you-unconditionally.

Do not upset the apple cart with the parent or you will see the end of this arrangement.
She will grow up in the knowlwedge that you are the provider of REAL love and care-this is important, discuss the law etc. but provide her with stability and normality when she is with you.

Cheers and best wishes-and love to you as well. Maintain the level of understanding and the child will have the memory and desires to be as great a parent as you when she grows up to be a parent herself-we need more of them and people like you.

sylvan_1998 · Oct 1, 2008, 05:43 PM

I am sorry if you took what I had to say so much to heart. I was just worried about the girl and how horrible it must be to have a parent treat you so badly. I agree that there is no excuse. I also know most people try to do the best they can given the circumstances as they see them. Meaning, by no means do I excuse his behavior, but he must see the situation differently and have some reason to be this way. I don't think anyone will agree it is a good reason or even rational, but it is his. The one good thing he has done is place the child with you.

I am sorry that he hurts her like this. It breaks my heart to read you story. Again I meant no offense by my response, I was just hoping to make it a little easier to swallow.

Worried Auntie · Oct 7, 2008, 07:15 AM

I try not to get to worried about what everyone says only take in the information/advice. I really do appreciate every reading and posting to my thoughts/questions. Thank you to all of you.

She went to her dad's again over the weekend. We had a talk with her about that she was going but she was going to come back home because she's been throwing these crying fits every time she has to go. This time was not as bad as far as the leaving part. But I'm not sure what they do for discipline, etc while she is there because when she comes back it's like everything we have worked on just goes out the window for days. I know that it must be hard to follow two sets of rules but I'm sure that they do not allow the fits and crying etc at their house either. The step mother is not the type to put up with that. Since she's been back this time she's cried over minimal things. Threw fits when asked to do something, huffing and such. It is very hard to get used to this EVERY time she comes back. This is not new, she's been doing this since the beginning. Does anyone know how to handle this situation?

Thanks and God bless to all of you for your thoughts on our unusual situation.