[tiggerella]

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 10 months now - which is a wonderful thing. He goes to two meetings per week with his support group, which has been helping him work through some of his issues, but there are a few behavior changes that are not being addressed and that I'm starting to find very stressful.

Quite simply, there are certain ways that he behaves like his mother and other behaviors in which he says and does things in rebellion of how his mother brought him up. When he was drinking, these behaviors were less dominant because he was always a very pleasant drunk and, if I mentioned that he was doing something annoying, he would apologise and try to stop doing it. Now that he no longer drinks, I find myself stressed because when I mention something he's doing that's annoying, he will either deny it entirely or come up with an excuse as to why he has to do it. (We're not talking majorly destructive things here, just little things such as leaving a dirty plate in the living room when he has to walk directly through the kitchen and past the kitchen sink to leave the room, yet he'll scream at our daughter for doing that very same thing. His excuse is that he doesn't have the time to take care of his own mess, but that the child has nothing else so pressing that she can't take care of hers.)

Between the stress at home and the stress at my workplace, I've put on about 35 lbs because of nervous eating habits and am starting to have health issues. I'd like to get into some kind of counseling, but this isn't really a marriage threatening thing, as we have a very strong 25 year bond and recently renewed our vows, and a couple of people we know who've been seeing marriage counselors are worse off than when they started. The last time I went for psychotherapy after my dad died and I was having issues because some people at the church I attended were insisting I should feel guilty for something I may have done that made God want to punish me by taking my father away from me, she insisted that the reason I felt the way I did was because dad was an abusive alcoholic (which wasn't even close to the truth, as he could make a 6 pack of beer last two weeks when money was tight and his form of punishing me was to tell me how disappointed he was in my behavior and sending me to my room to "think about it"). Any suggestions on which type of counseling might help me stop stressing out about things I can't change - or, if you live in the Portland, Maine area, any suggestions for a counselor who is good for such a thing?

Thanks for any suggestions you all can come up with. I'm always pleasantly surprised by the deep, insightful responses I get here!

[NowWhat]

Have you gone to al-anon meetings. They could be helpful to you. Here is a link
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

When you have lived with an alcoholic for so long - you get use to a certain way of living. Now that your husband doesn't drink anymore - it is not just an adjustment for him, but your entire family.

In any marriage, communication is key. You need to sit down and talk to him. Let him know how you have been feeling. Let him know how proud you are that he isn't drinking, etc. But with his sobriety has come some changes and you aren't sure how to deal with them.
Just be honest with him. If he is getting angry, try approaching it differently. Don't start your sentences with "you never or you always". That will put someone on the defensive. And you won't be heard. Try, "I feel like...".

I would try the meetings first, it is an open forum where you can talk to others going through similar things. You might find it helpful.

[Choux]

In an marriage damaged by alcohol addiction, *both* partners are sick and both partners need a program go get healthy.

I would recommend you attend AlAnon meetings a couple of times a week for a year or two. No reason to be miserable over the small stuff.

Good Luck in the future,