[mimibutterfly]

Hello,

I will try and keep this short but I'm seeking some straight forward advice about dating and males. I live in NJ and don't have very much experience with males. I am 28 years old, female, virgin. The one sexual encounter I had was at 16. This guy, "Dean" drove me, his friend "Mike", and my friend "Katrina" home from a football game. "Dean" asked if we could pull into a park for an hour and "talk." Katrina who was wild agreed and I went along with it even though I wanted to go home. My friend and Dean's friend jumped out of the car and I was left with dean. Katrina and Mike went and had sex on a park bench. Dean basically pressured me for oral sex. I did it and he was very mean during, insulting me and saying it wasn't good. Later on Katrina told me I was the only one who didn't know about the park detour before hand, she knew I wouldn't have gone. I didn't hang out with her again. But now I'm left with all these feelings and I think it has to do with that, but it happened so long ago. So it can't be affecting me now right? I have 2 college degrees and am not bad looking, but my lack of sexual and intimate experiences keeps me from approaching males. No one has ever ask me on a date my whole life - I still don't understand why. When I would go out to bars and clubs with gf's they would always get hit on and most of the guys would ignore me even if I made a verbal comment. I felt dumb, so I stopped going places with female friends. Now I don't have any friends that come around, just call once and awhile. I decided a few years ago that I would wait till marriage to have sex. I would love to get married, but not fond of the idea of having kids. I have trust issues with men and I think that the most stable relationship I can trust would be marriage (obviously those go awry too) but you get my point, hopefully. I asked my male friend, Evan to give it to me straight about guys, since he's one of the few that knows my sexual status and has many male friends. He told me straight up, that guys were not interested in a virgin my age. It is too much work and we get attached/clingy, and guys will date me but not long term because they know that there is no sexual rewards throughout the relationship. I said I would be willing to do oral sex but not unless it was LONG term (2-3 months) and Evan said it's not enough. He said marriage is certainly not an option in this day and age because guys like to test out the merchandise before buying; if I won't have sex there are girls that will, etc. He said I have too much competition in my age group and my best option is to start looking for men in their late 40's and 50s! I don't really want that. He said that my relationships will last about a month and then the guy will get bored, cheat, or dump me. All of these things seem to ring true - I have not found anyone yet. I know he was just helping, but I feel AWFUL and have cried for days, I am a good person and don't understand why things are so unfair. I feel extremely depressed. I want to start dating but I feel so embarrassed, how do I tell guys this about being a virgin? They start asking for sex early, like date 3. I don't even know HOW TO GET DATES. I believe "church type males" are not compatible because they tend to be stricter and more uptight about sexual views. I am a Christian but NOT closed minded about general issues like abortion, etc. Any advice or any of these things true? Thank you for reading this. :)

[firmbeliever]

Mimi,

Don't sell yourself short, I am sure there are people who value women for holding on until marriage.

I am not an expert,but personal for you advise would be to start joining worthwhile causes you can be part of, or find something you can enjoy and move away from the doubts you have regarding yourself,because the more you worry about being single,the more it will affect all the other areas of your life.

Hopefully someone else will be able to help you more with their own experience.

I for one kept myself until marriage(at age 23) and am glad I did.

[Xrayman]

Too late? Your friend seems more uneducated than you think you are!


You are fine-if you wish to keep with the christian thing (saving yourself for marriage) then hang out with christians.

If you wish to find a man who is worthwhile-look for places where worthwhile men hang out-this would not be sleazy bars etc.

If you want to "experiment" sexually then once again you are well within a good age to do so-relax!

I think that your friend is really misinformed, there are decent men out there, you may have to appear a little less aloof or shy, when friends get hit on, watch what they do-do they appear up tight, shy careful or do they appear approachable?

There are VERY few women that cannot attract a good man-you have to give out a vibe of "Im interesting, sexy adventurous but saving myself" that way, you have an "air" about you that will get the man that YOU desire.

[All4Noah]

Hey girl! I understand... I was 19 when I had my first sexual experience and 20 when I married. I also had an awful first experience and my now husband was very understanding when I told him of my experience... his first wasn't that great either. Don't worry those "men" will come around I'm sure that's not easy to hear and I'm sure that it's hard to be in your shoes. I'm now 28 and because I didn't deal with my bad experience before I married my husband I'm now having issues with the whole "Sex" thing. So I hear you girl! Good luck to you and congrats on your 2 college degrees!

[Synnen]

Honey---did you ever get any counseling about your forced sexual experience? That would probably help you quite a bit.

Also--your friend doesn't know jack. I know a LOT of great guys (and single ones) that would have NO problem with waiting, and don't want to jump into bed on the third date.

Get yourself some self-confidence, and stop beating yourself up. Do something you LIKE to do--join a gardening club, or a hiking group, or whatever--and you will meet people with like interests, including men.

Having trust issues is a BIG deal--because you almost expect a guy to leave or cheat or be trying to use you in some way. You need to find a way to get past that. Again, I suggest some form of counseling.

The only person that cares that you're a virgin is YOU. A guy that cares for YOU isn't going to care if you're not putting out--as a matter of fact, he might respect you for it.

[smoothy]

First off your friend is an idiot. Its never too late and every person out there has someone who is looking for someone just like them.

The key is keeping your eyes open. Do what YOU want to do and not what others think you should do.

[Choux]

If you are *28* and have not had significant relationships with males, you have to consider whether you are really interested in men, or sex in general, or close relationships. My opinion is that there is a problem here. It could be passivity(religious influence), fear, shyness, unpleasant previous experience, and so on... at any rate, it is time to understand your feelings about sex and the bad experience, and other issues you need to face to lead the happiest life you can. :)


My very, very best wishes to you going forward.

[noobie-mom]

Stay strong... you're OK.

[rebel-2]

There's nothing wrong with you. But everything is wrong with the opinion/advice you got about guys from that friend of yours-or whoever it was.

and I'm honestly telling you now, that your chance of dating is NOT with a 40+year old. ITS WITH SOMEONE YOUR >>>OWN AGE<<<.

The reason I'm replying to this post is because you got some F#^&d up advice from this EVAn fella. He doesn't know Jack sh*t

And trust me.. guys don't care if a woman is virgin or not... stop worrying.
And please don't go off with other people because of this reason.

ahh sigh.. I hope this "issue" doesn't get the best of you...
You "will" find the rite guy.

Just let yourself be in that position, its simple, find a guy who you think is single/looks nice/whatever and go for it, well not JUMP at him but just start with a smile and see where it goes.:)

-cheers
rebel,

[IDKwhatIwant]

21/m virgin.

I don't like the advice your friend gave you. I don't want to go so far as to say he isn't a very good friend. But I felt the advice was more damaging then constructive. Not all guys want sex, and not all guys want sex so quickly... I think bcause of your beauty, you're looking for guys that are also as good looking. Problem is most people with good looks use them to their advantage, and these kind of guys are going to want to use women until they're tired of searching and want to settle... there's still a high risk that they'll cheat also. If you're only 28, then I would suggest your dates age anywhere from 20 - 35.

I have anxiety. Took me over a week before I kissed my ex. Things like hugging and cuddling were fine. We dated for over 6 months and never had sex. She left me though, for a guy who was more assertive. I feel your scenario works for both genders. Its just not discussed and openly shared, as its looked at as something bad.

I suggest looking for people with anxiety issues.

[Ks secretos]

First of all some guys are scared of a educated woman but again Don't SELL YOURSELF SHORT! 2nd of all, don't consider that foolish person as your friend... He gave you NO benifical advice

[BlessdWitTalenT]

You know if you look for a church, there's sooo many guys that age that are virgins and they are really good guys. Go to a church one day and try to pay attention, then after its over a lot of guys and girls will come talk to you. Pay attention to the guys, I'm sure they will be awesome. I have friends at my church who are 30, 28, and 26 who are virgins and are about to be married. That's the bests thing you could do.

[khinanight]

In a sense your friend is quite right. Guys these days get bored easily and have no reason for commitment especially when they are young. You still have a long ways to go. Even through you stated that meeting single guys at church is not for you, there are a lot of bachelors there and you should not rule them out. Other places to meet guys is the supermarket and gym. It sure beats bars.

[Xrayman]

If you want some real feedback on your appearance-post a photo of yourself here. Although I doubt that your physical appearance is the issue here-you are struggling with self-confidence issues. Most people of either sex say that a confident person is what attracted them, if you sit in a corner and avoid eye contact and appear unapproachable, then that is exactly what will happen-your "friend" gave you the wrond advice and I would even go so far as to say, he has no idea and should not be advising anyone on their ability to attract a partner due to their sexual history.

Best wishes.

[IDKwhatIwant]

personally, I only look for people with anxiety and self esteem issues. Women with too much schooling, do kind of frighten me, because I feel like I'm holding them back or they'll leave me.

don't change too much. You're just not showing enough people you exist. So, you're not meeting the right type of people for you. Just keep trying, and you'll find nice people.

(^_^)

[sallyv]

I hope I'm able to help, I'm a virgin girl too


*** Edited, please no advertising of your web site or group. Please feel free to answer questions, if you want to put a link in your sig line fine.

[Handyman2007]

Your "friend" is an idiot. It is never too late. Some people are late "bloomers'. Do what you feel is right for you.

[roxypox]

there is nothing wrong with waiting!

besides if your first experience with something sex related was that someone forced you to preform oral and dissed you while you did it... of course that might still effect you. Sex is really personal, and for someone to force you to do something sexual; whether it involves your body, theirs or both is just wrong!!

Personally , I waited far longer then anyone I know, I was still young though, but I waited for someone whom I could trust and who loved me, someone I loved... for real loved me and not someone who just wanted to have sex with a random-chick.

And if you want to wait for marriage there is nothing wrong with that!

have you considered counseling? To get over that incident? Or to talk about your feelings around this subject? It might help. Your friend certainly doesn't know anything worth knowing, about this that is.

[forreal]

I'm a virgin female in my late 30's so I know how you feel. My best words off wisdom, it's not your virginity that is the issue , it's people around you who has a issue with your virginity.

[talaniman]

There are a lot of good guys that will wait, and make getting to know you a priority over having sex, you just haven't met them.

Sex aside for a minute, it take a well developed committed relationship, to get to a marriage.

Date, and enjoy being single, and meet friends both male, and female, through the activities, and hobbies you love to do, and explore new things, as a confident, happy person will attract people to you.

Your friends advice is somewhat correct, as now a days people hook up, have sex, and wonder why the relationship crashes, and burns, because when the lust wears off, there just to burned out strangers, who have built nothing between them.

Don't sweat the ones who don't have time, nor patience to deal with you as, they bring nothing to the table any way, but do make friends, and have fun.