[geenta06]

My husband and I have been together now for 4 years married 3 of those... almost 2 weeks ago we had a misunderstanding which was my fault and I appologized for and he wouldn't hear of it and took off and left me and went to his brothers about 30 miles away in another state, the only thing he took with him was his work clothes for the night and nothing else so I figured he would go cool off and then come back in the morning when he got off work. Nope he did the opposite, he came back over to he town we live in and got his daughter(my step-daughter) to call me and ask if she can come get his work clothes and I said no, I would be glad to give them to him and only him so he would have to face me and talk which he said he needed time to think. That Saturday he called me himself and asked if I would meet him and bring his work clothes and I agreed. He mentioned nothing about what made him mad at me instead during this period of he needed time to think he lowered the boom on me and told me he decided he was not coming back to where we live! I was floored cause he never mentioned divorce or anything else! I told him I had no problem moving or whatever but we needed to make plans together and work together in order for all of this to work and I asked him to come back here with me just until the first of the year, he said he couldn't give me an answer that day and to give him a couple of days to think about it and he told me he loved me, missed me and that I was a good woman, even told me that I was his best friend! Well, it has now been 10 days since we last spoke and nothing from him at all, no phone call no nothing! His stuff is still here and he hasn't asked for any of it. This has been like on big vicious cycle with him as this is not the first time he has left me it's the 4th and the last time was over 2 years ago and I just don't know what to do anymore! I love this man dearly and want to be with him but I feel like when he does this its almost like he never gives me an answer on whether he wants to work things out or not and leaves me hanging, then out of the blue he calls or comes back wanting to work things out and pretends like nothing ever happened. Can anyone give me any insight to this situation I'm in because I could just take the easy way out like he does but I made a promise to him and before god when we got married and I feel like if I give up to easily I will be doing what everyone else before me in his life has done... just drop him when he is maybe going through something that I can help him with

[asking]

What was the misunderstanding?

[geenta06]

That was a long ordeal and Ill answer that for you so please bear with me... one of my step-daughters friends called me and said that my husband was planning on leaving me and has found somewhere else to live and had been looking behind my back. She told me that he could not stand my kids etc... now I got angry with her not him but when I hung up the phone with her I stormed into the room without thinking and blurted out asking him where is this trailer he had and what is going on, why was she saying those things! Now I didn't believe her but I became so angry that she did that I projected my anger onto him which is not what I should have done and when I become angry I don't think and words just come out not the right ones either I might add. Well, I realized what I had done and quickly appologized to him and tried to make things right actually 4 times I appologized and he told me it was too late and he left.

[asking]

Geenta,
What I'm getting is that he was already planning to leave, and your finding out about it just gave him the excuse he was looking for. It sounds as though he is very secretive and that this makes you feel shut out and angry. But when you express your anger, he just withdraws even more. I would not like it if someone was planning to move out and didn't tell me. I would not like it if someone I loved just left with no explanation and didn't come back for days, let alone weeks. So I think you are justified in feeling upset.

Have you two worked together on increasing trust and communication, so he tells you what's on his mind, what he's unhappy or frustrated about and how you can communicate with him without so much anger? I think that would help. Have you tried, but it hasn't worked?

I'm also surprised that you say that it was right to get angry with this friend of your step daughter's but not right to be angry with your husband. I would have said the opposite. If you are married, having children, even if they are yours and not his, he has an obligation to contribute to the stability of the family, not secretly plan to run away, like a 16 year old who doesn't like the house rules. Even if he chooses to leave, he should tell you calmly when and for how long and why at a time when you can take it in and respond. It should be planned, so it's least disruptive to your kids and for one another. So I think you were justified in feeling very angry. How you express that anger is a different thing. Hurting someone is never a good way to get your message across.

It sounds like you apologized right away and sincerely. I can understand him being angry himself and not accepting right away, but eventually he should accept a sincere apology. If he just doesn't acknowledge anything, that sounds really difficult.

[N0help4u]

I agree 100% with Asking I was getting the same thing. He decides he wants to leave for whatever reason then he knows you will lose it and start yelling so he bides his time and then when you get upset he uses it as the 'perfect' excuse for up and leaving. Think over all the times he has left you and write a list of all the things that form a pattern.Is he now living with this other girl?Did he leave and go to other girls the other times? Did he always just up and leave right after you flew off the handle?
I am not so sure I would take him back this time if he were to come back!

[Stringer]

A very thought out response Asking... I agree with you. It sounds as though commitment is lacking here on his part.

Stringer

[geenta06]

This girl that started all of this was actually angry with his daughter and him from the night before and then called me to stir up this trouble and before I stormed in and I guess you could say accuse him instead of asking him if it were true, he actually had no plans at all of leaving me, it made him mad that I accused him and said I believe everything that I hear and there is no trust. What made me angry is that I tried to do the right thing and its like he spit it back in my face and left and went to his brothers house. The following Saturday we met and talked and he never even brought it up at all, just the fact that because of what happened it made him realize and come to the decision of not coming back to the area we live in. No he has never cheated on me and he firmly does not believe in that because it's been done to him before in previous relationships so that was and never has been a concern of mine. This was actually the first time I ever flew off the handle at him for anything... All of those other times he left there was no fight etc. he just up and leaves then calls me from his brothers house and has said you need to go back to your parents then a week later says he has made a mistake. I agree with you that I think he looks for the bad and when one little thing goes wrong I think he gets scared a leaves to run from the problem cause for him I think its easier for some reason. He once told me that when something good comes into his life he is afraid of losing it and its almost like he is sabotaging his own happiness out of fear of getting hurt like he has so many times before. He says he loves me, misses me and that I am a good woman but that is hard to believe coming from him because if I meant all of that to him then he would be here with me and not over at his brothers house! I mean really our little tiffs or disagreements are very easy to fix but like I said I just think for him its easier to just run and hide from problems and not face his fears or confront them and in the meantime he acts as though he doesn't want to loose me and leaves me hanging like this for like 11 days now without any kind of a response when he said give him only a couple of days. I am a patient woman and out of love for him I really try to be fair but I'm so tired of bending over backwards and him not bending at all. I don't think it was unfair of me to ask him to come back here for a little while and work with me as a mature married couple and plan to move instead of doing it separate do you?

[N0help4u]

Sounds like the two of you could use marriage counselling to figure out how to handle problems so they don't go this way. I can't imagine someone leaving and creating a bigger problem rather than dealing with it while staying home and working it out. Even if he needs to go to a separate room for a night or so it is better than literally running away from your problems.

[geenta06]

Thank all of you with your help, I really love this man but I'm just really at a loss right now and sometimes it's just hard to face reality of what I will have to do if he tells me that he won't come back and work with me as the team we are supposed to be. I know in my heart that I have to take a strong stance this time and not accept his behavior even though I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, he does and I think he realizes it a little too late. I have to decide what I will accept and what I won't accept from him because if I just pack up and go right now without planning jobs, schools and basically just jumping into the unknown I won't be happy and he won't either and also I now am afraid that I will be having to walk on eggshells wondering when the next time will be when I make a mistake because let's face it we are all human here even him but I guess I just realized something now that when he makes a mistake he is forgiven and its no big deal and when I make one I end up paying the ultimate price with him? Fair? I think not. Really and truly I feel like I'm in hell! It's just nice to know there are people like you willing to give of yourself to try to help people when needed and to me that is priceless and it means a lot to me that you all care enough to help so I know you may see this a lot but to me thank you isn't enough, it is truly appreciated very much!

[asking]

also I now am afraid that I will be having to walk on eggshells wondering when the next time will be when I make a mistake because let's face it we are all human here even him but I guess I just realized something now that when he makes a mistake he is forgiven and its no big deal and when I make one I end up paying the ultimate price with him? Fair? I think not.

I agree. That's not fair at all.

When someone is as nice as you, it feels good to us to try to help a little, even if it's mostly just to listen and acknowledge what you are going through. Your last post gave me a lump in my throat. You communicate well and I think he is lucky to have you. I hope he figures that out.

He's left before and come back, so sounds like he probably will again. But I agree that there has to be a better way of resolving things. This method of running off is too hard on you, and probably him too. I hope you can get him to go to counseling with you.

[Stringer]

I have gone to John Grey's seminars and I have had lunch with him. I do not believe in everything he has to say (he was divorced once also-maybe he learned something too). BUT, one thing he nailed... men ARE different from Females (great revelation and new - news-right?).

Men are not "wired" the same way as women. We cannot get to that emotional stage that you can as easily, we spark. The same way that we have to understand and make adjustments---women have to also. Example, men want to "fix" whatever is the problem or whatever is bothering their wives... that's NOT what women always want. Sometimes they just want us to listen... seriously listen and show concern and maybe keep our mouths shut. (I can do that).

But... what women sometimes do not understand... Listen... its coming... gals... we can only take the "issue" conversations in short bursts. Yes... short intervals. Seriously (please don't make jokes-I can do that too), tell your husbands that there are something's that you would like to discuss with him. Don't scare him with "we have to talk"-BS. Tell him that you LOVE him and everything is ok (if you don't, his defenses will go up faster that you can put a period at the end of that sentence.), but you need to talk about some things. GIVE IT TO HIM IN SHORT 10 MINUTE PERIODS. I am serious, don't look for a marathon to start. Because honestly, after 10 minutes of serious discussion, he probably isn't really listening much--some men can go longer, but not much. Tell him up front the discussion will only last 10 minutes--AND keep your word.

Let him digest what you told him, then let him go to his "cave" (his TV, his own room, the garage, the attic, anywhere to THINK about it. AND he will. Fight the urge to combat him.

This method really works gals and he doesn't feel pressured to compete in what could have turned into an argument. Tell him up front, before you start that it will be about 10 minutes only and that you will not bother him about the discussion until tomorrow. Then take 10-15 minutes ( I know-get a watch) discussing his thoughts and opinions about it. Then set up a time for the next one....until it becomes a method of communicating..he is now open to this, and he knows that it will be 10 minutes and he can call "TIME" if it goes over that period... wow... right.

Works with my wife and me... for 10 years now... married for 5 of those--happily I might add.

Stringer

[geenta06]

I agree. That's not fair at all.

When someone is as nice as you, it feels good to us to try to help a little, even if it's mostly just to listen and acknowledge what you are going through. Your last post gave me a lump in my throat. You communicate well and I think he is lucky to have you. I hope he figures that out.

He's left before and come back, so sounds like he probably will again. But I agree that there has to be a better way of resolving things. This method of running off is too hard on you, and probably him too. I hope you can get him to go to counseling with you.

Thank you for the compliment, I do really appreciate that a lot. I try to see the good in people not the bad and I'm so used to doing for others and when someone does something for me in return it means so much. I'm a very simple person and I don't expect the world just respect and I've always valued the small things in life. Again thank you and god bless... if any of you ever need me in any way I'm sure to be here!:)

[twinkiedooter]

It sounds like hubby has a lot of growing up mentally and emotionally to do right now. He's been the bad little boy too long and no one's called him to task over it either. He sounds like if you give him a year, he'll want another year to think things over, etc. If you argue a lot (and it sounds like you two do), then why are you beating a dead horse here? Seriously, you can still be madly in love with a man and happily live without him. He'll come back and hang around until he gets the whim whams again and leaves again. Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for the eternal roller coaster ride with this guy?

[geenta06]

It sounds like hubby has a lot of growing up mentally and emotionally to do right now. He's been the bad little boy too long and no one's called him to task over it either. He sounds like if you give him a year, he'll want another year to think things over, etc. If you argue a lot (and it sounds like you two do), then why are you beating a dead horse here? Seriously, you can still be madly in love with a man and happily live without him. He'll come back and hang around until he gets the whim whams again and leaves again. Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for the eternal roller coaster ride with this guy?

Actually the last time we split up was over 2 years ago and during this time we haven't argued at all... we had little disagreements and talked about them and got over it. Everything was going great between us until this happened and then boom all of this crap started. We got along pretty well up until this time. So that is why I'm so confused about all of it because we had gotten along well up until now when he decided to leave. Yes I do agree with you he is a 42 year old man that really needs to grow up when it comes to confrontation or anything that has to do with responsibility or to his kids etc. he either ignores it, acts like he shows no emotion over it, really the only emotion he is good at showing is anger then everybody knows it but it takes a lot to get him to that point. He has had problems with his kids etc especially his oldest which she has an addiction problem and lost her kids and he has been through a lot with them. I mean really there is just so much that has happened to him in his life I'm really surprised that he hasn't had a nervous breakdown or something cause I'm not making excuses for his actions in no way because I don't condone doing someone like he has me because he has some real big issues that I don't think he will ever get past. I agree with everything everyone has said here and I appreciate the feedback I really do, it's just so hard when you have invested so much into a marriage and been through everything we have been through and just give up on it but I also know that I can't tolerate this behavior from him and allow him to do this to me anymore that is why I've done the total opposite from everything I have done before. I haven't tried to contact him cause I think he wants me to chase him around and I'm not, he chose to leave not me so when he decides to grow up and be a man then he can come to me but if he expects me to sit around waiting on a phonecall and wait until he decides to do something then he is nuts. I have a life to live too and 2 kids of my own to take care of and I quit playing kids games a long time ago so the move is his to make and in the meantime it does hurt me but I can't let it hinder me either and I refuse to let anyone break me down so right now I have the attitude whatever happens, happens.

[0rphan]

Hi greenta06,

I think he'd planned this all along, and just didn't know how to tell you, he went about planning his escape in secret, so when it did come out he had his own little retreat that was organized earlier.

He ran away not because you accused him of leaving but because he'd been found out, in fact you made it easy for him... he could now leave using your accusation as the reason.

Any body would have reacted in the same way you have no need to feel bad about this he deserved it, after all this is the 4th time.
Stand back and ask yourself... why would any body make this up ? Kids will repeat things they hear with total honesty, in my opinion it could be the friend actually thought she was doing you a favor and that you had the right to know... and you did

He is obviously a very secretive and deceitful man who carried on day to day tasks whilst arranging his move... let him go you deserve better.

Takecare of yourself