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hate_and_love · Aug 12, 2008, 11:06 PM

When my mom found out that my friend had 6 little siblings and lived in apartment. She totally changed. I mean before when she didn't know about that she would let me go to my friend's apartment 3 times a week,but know that she knows about her family she won't even let me go to her house anymore.

She even turned my dad agasint her. My dad would be okay with me being friends with her and sometimes told me I was allowed to go when My mom wouldn't let me. But for somereason my mom told him that me and my friend's dad were alone in the living room,and that's when he got scared(he real is very protective of me because I'm his youngest daughter)and know he won't let me go anymore too

Whenever I ask her why she doesn't like her she says She has a strange family that a family shouldn't have so many kids and be living in an apartment and that she look like a bad influnce (my friend has her hair in different colors) and that I should try to hang out with more NORMAL people.

So I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like just yelling at her and cussing her out but I don't want to be mean to her I mean after all she is my mom she is taking care of me. So can you please help me or give me an idea or something

chakarnis · Aug 12, 2008, 11:23 PM

Trust your parents. They're overprotective for a reason. Talk with your friend and be honest with each other. If she is truly a friend, she'll understand. If not, you'll understand.

hate_and_love · Aug 12, 2008, 11:45 PM

Originally Posted by chakarnis

Trust your parents. They're overprotective for a reason. Talk with your friend and be honest with each other. If she is truly a friend, she'll understand. If not, you'll understand.

She does she tells me that's it's okay but I know it's making my friendship witrh her hard and I don't think it fair tha she has to deal with this stuff but I really don't want to lose her she one of my closest friends I have but I don't want her to have to deal with this stuff

chakarnis · Aug 12, 2008, 11:52 PM

Does she understand why your mom feels the way she does? Maybe your friend should talk with her parents. You should never curse or yell or be disrespectful of your parents. They are only trying to protect you. You need to convince your mom that your friends family are good people. Maybe they should all meet each other. Talk with your friend.

hate_and_love · Aug 13, 2008, 12:12 AM

Originally Posted by chakarnis

Does she understand why your mom feels the way she does? Maybe your friend should talk with her parents. You should never curse or yell or be disrespectful of your parents. They are only trying to protect you. You need to convince your mom that your friends family are good people. Maybe they should all meet each other. Talk with your friend.

Yes I've told her everything about why my mom doesn't like her and her family.But what well her and her family talk about I mean her and her family are trying to get a house right now but other then that I don't really now what else can be talked about. I mean how are they going to talk about their family? Really? I see my elder sister and bro cuss at them all the time I'm the only one who doesn't. I've tried to convince her I've even tried her to talk to my friends mom she just doesn't want to.

chakarnis · Aug 13, 2008, 01:22 AM

Exactly is it that your mom has against your friend and her family? You'd be surprised at what they have in common. For one thing. They're all parents. If your parents won't make the first step, invite your friend and her parents over. Not the siblings but her parents and your friend, for starters. Your brother and sister should be more respectful of your parents.

hate_and_love · Aug 13, 2008, 01:24 AM

Originally Posted by chakarnis

Exactly is it that your mom has against your friend and her family? You'd be surprised at what they have in common. For one thing. They're all parents. If your parents won't make the first step, invite your friend and her parents over. Not the siblings but her parents and your friend, for starters. Your brother and sister should be more respectful of your parents.

Hmm good idea I'll try it out :) about bring her and her parents only. To tell you the truth she just think they are werid. That family shouldn't be so big and crowed in an apartment that what she has against them. I know it sounds childish but she really doesn't know anything about them which sort of makes me more angry. Hehehe I wished my bro and sis would be more respectful but they think they can do what they want.

liz28 · Aug 13, 2008, 05:44 AM

I think its wrong to judge your friend due to her family size and because they live in an apartment instead of a house. I can see if she could give you other valid reasons not to hang with her such as she's into drugs, drinking, she's disrespectful, etc. Your mom needs to stop being so judgemental because your friend can't choose her family and if their nothing bad to say then she should not interfere.

NowWhat · Aug 14, 2008, 06:34 AM

I think there maybe more going on here that you don't know about. Your parents may have found something out about the family (or parents) and don't feel that you will be totally safe when you visit. Therefore not allowing you to go will keep you out of harms way.

You said that your mom got upset about you being alone with the dad in the living room and then told your dad about it. He didn't like the idea of it, again banning you from the friends home.

Parents don't always give full disclosure when it comes to the safety of their children. They will tell you what they think you can handle.

You need to trust your parents - they have gotten you this far.

hate_and_love · Aug 14, 2008, 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by NowWhat

I think there maybe more going on here that you don't know about. Your parents may have found something out about the family (or parents) and don't feel that you will be totally safe when you visit. Therefore not allowing you to go will keep you out of harms way.

You said that your mom got upset about you being alone with the dad in the living room and then told your dad about it. He didn't like the idea of it, again banning you from the friends home.

Parents don't always give full disclosure when it comes to the safety of their children. They will tell you what they think you can handle.

You need to trust your parents - they have gotten you this far.

Thank you for the advice but does that mean I should stay way from my friend?

mimi03 · Aug 14, 2008, 10:44 AM

Either your mom is trying to protect you from the unknown in this situation or she's simply being judgmental... From what you describe, she seems to only be looking at the surface of your friend's familial situation which is not fair or a good example.

So, what can you do?

You can continue to be respectful, being upset and disrespectful will not get you what you want and will make this even worse.

Invite your friend to your house, Will your mom allow your friend over to your house to hang out?
Maybe you can ask her to allow your friend to come over that way she knows you are safe and what you are doing with this friend.

I think it'd be a good idea to respectfully say to your parents that: I understand that you are looking out for my best interest but my friend didnt pick her family and they happen to be very nice people... insert some things they have in common with your parents... and end with I like being her friend, Will you give her a chance and get to know her before you judge her? And give me a chance to prove that you've taught me well enough to not let anyone's behavior influence me to do the wrong things?

Good luck, try not to give into your frustrations about this! Hang in there :)

chakarnis · Aug 14, 2008, 10:46 AM

I think it means that you should try and understand where your parents are coming from. So many things are happening to young girls today that parents are taking every precaution to protect their children. Maybe if you sat down with your mom and CALMLY asked her exactly why she feels the way she does about your friend's family, you would be able to understand better. Were you,in fact, alone in the living room with her father? And if so, why? Where was the rest of the family?

lmangileri · Aug 14, 2008, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by hate_and_love

When my mom found out that my friend had 6 little siblings and lived in apartment.

If the family is that big, that might be why they are living in an apartment, can't afford a house just yet. I would think your mom should understand that.

0rphan · Aug 14, 2008, 11:54 AM

Hi there...

I think it's sad that you and your friend have been parted for an adult problem.Clearly your Mum knows something that you don't and is not about to share it, your going to have to leave that for a later date, but maybe you could both meet in the middle ground.

I would let it lie for a while, then perhaps suggest that you and your Mum talk it through... no shouting, keep things calm, say to your Mum that you understand she has your interest at heart, assure her that you would never do anything to hurt her or your Dad, explain what you do when at your friends, offer for her to come along or if it's easier for your friend to come round to yours for a short time.

Tell her that you do not want to loose your friend because of her family, explain that's it's not her fault how her parents are. Explain that her hair colours are what girls do these days it's just a fad.

You could arrange to go shopping with your Mum and stop for a coffee... if you think it's the right time have your chat then, nutural ground may be better.

Goodluck

hate_and_love · Aug 16, 2008, 03:26 AM

Originally Posted by chakarnis

I think it means that you should try and understand where your parents are coming from. So many things are happening to young girls today that parents are taking every precaution to protect their children. Maybe if you sat down with your mom and CALMLY asked her exactly why she feels the way she does about your friend's family, you would be able to understand better. Were you,in fact, alone in the living room with her father? And if so, why? Where was the rest of the family?

No I was in the living room with the dad but so was the rest of the family -_- She was picking me up from my friends house and saw the dad right away and freaked. Then she started to tell my dad and that's what happen
My mom doesn't know anything about this family. She's only seen them from a far so I think the fact that she might now something I don't about the family is out of the question. She also thinks this because the apaprtment they live in are sort of broken down and stuff so she thinks they are bad influnces or something like that

SweetDee · Aug 16, 2008, 05:02 AM

Hi there. My opinion is probably not going to be popular, but then again when has it ever been? I feel that if this girl you are friends w/ is a good friend, then you're lucky to have her! Good friends are hard to come by. Her family's situation is not the girls fault. Not everyone is rich enough to be able to put their family in a large enough home. Not all women choose the 2.5 kids scenario... (having a big family is on the rise again, as becoming more popular)... Your mom sounds awfully judgemental about other people's choices. Your parents can control your life by making it unpleasant if they choose, I hope you realize. If you don't follow their lead and do as they want for you to do things could get hairy. I think that the more they tell you to find other friends... the MORE you're going to feel that this girl is the best ever, (possibly even if she's not... ). And even if she is the best person/friend... you have to keep in mind that your parents can make your life very unhappy if they want to. I think you need to keep in mind that you live w/ your parents. Try and compromise so your life doesn't go into the crapper. Be close w/ people who you care for, but let your parents see you TRY and connect w/ "normal" people too. Even if it is ONLY for your gain. The more your parents see you try the more they will trust your judgement. Some kids, (and I'm not saying that this is you, but... ), they spin out of control, befriending the worst trash making their lives horrible. But on the flip side, some parents have AWESOME kids that know their limits and are cautious w/ their choices... but the parents under estimate them. Since I don't know which one you are... Let me just say that parents sometimes make judgements about their kids friends out of fear because they love them so much. If they fear that this kid can drag you into "bad" choices then try and help them see how upstanding she is. Just participate in compromise and help them see what YOU SEE in this girl. Other than this... your parents rule you till you're of age as an adult. I suggest that you trust in YOU and help them see how mature your choices really are. Just remember that in doing that you have to be mature about it.

liz28 · Aug 16, 2008, 06:34 AM

After rereading the orignal post, she stated her mom lie to her father about her being alone with the father and in return it made her father upset.

When I was 14 my mother did not want me to go my friend house but she gave me valid reasons and sat me down and had a deep talk about her concerns. It was mostly that he was a convicted felon and she didn't like how he looked at the young girls in the neighborhood. I remain friends with her but I could never go to her house and never repeated what my mother told me. A year later he was arrested for molesting a child. I felt bad and more embrassed for my friend but my mom had valid concerns. I am still friends with this girl but she no longer speaks to her dad.

Your mom just seems to judge this friend about he family living situation, sibling, and by the color of her hair. If she had some solid reasons then maybe she should express it to you to make you understand more. Also, I bet your friend could sense she don't like her especially if your mom demeanor changed towards her. I think your old enough to understand whatever your mom have to say and their north wrong expressing yourself to her, without yelling. This might be why your mom get yelled at by your siblings because of her judgemental ways, not saying they should yell because she is still there mom, and you don't have to yell because when you yell your right will never get across.

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2008, 09:26 AM

I can understand your mom saying she does not want you to be in her friends home.
I wouldn't let my kids go to many of their friends homes because I have heard too many stories of other parents who are never home to supervise, the other parents getting the kids high, the other parents having porn or strippers in the home FOR the kids, etc...
But I think your mother may be a little over board unreasonable if she is not allowing you to be friends with her at school and not allowing her to visit at your house.