[Motley008]

Hey everyone, I'm 22 years old, just graduated college with a BS. I'm living back home about to start pharmacy school in the fall and I'm working as much as I can while going to school to save up money to move out. But it won't happen for awhile, and this is quite a long question.

My mother has always dictated my life. She tells me what I like and don't like, what I should or shouldn't do and never leaves me alone. Every little thing I do she has to know about and yells at me constantly for pointless things. I have gotten in my share of trouble in the past, and she uses this against me saying that I gave her reason to act this way toward me. She also is the co-signer on my checking account when I opened one years ago, so she looks at my checking account balance constantly and gets pissed whenI spend my money that I work for. I changed the password once and she yelled at me daily until I changed it back to what it was so she could see it. She wants me to lose weight so she tells me what I can and can't eat and whenever I go into the kitchen to make myself something to eat she follows me so she can watch me make the food and then add her input so I always have to do what she says all the way to eating and what I wear and how I spend my money and everything I do basically.

An example of her behavior is something that just happened the other night. I went to a concert and was staying the night at a friend's house because she lived close to the venue and my mother knew I'd be going and I'd probably be drinking at the concert and so on. Obviously I am of legal age and I can go out and do my own thing, but yet when I woke up the next morning I had 20 missed calls and my mother had been calling me nonstop every second for the past 30 minutes and was continuing to call me until I answered because she has this fear that every time I go out I'm going to wind up dead somewhere. Nothing similar to death has ever happened to me so I don't know where she got this. I hadn't heard my phone because I was sleeping and she was furious and screamed at me. This isn't the first time this had happened she does it all the time. And if I don't answer after the first 10 times she goes online to look at my phone bill log and starts calling my friends to find out if they know where I am, when I'm just sleeping!

I have a very difficult time dealing with her and all of this, because these kind of events happen daily and when I was down at school she did it even more and she doesn't stop calling me until I answer so she forces me to speak to her at any given moment that she decides she wants to speak with me. I honestly don't know what to do and I don't know if it would even be beneficial for me to speak with a therapist or not, but I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.

I'm extremely depressed and have started gaining more and more weight and drinking more and more every time she yells at me or makes me feel bad about myself when she tells me I'm fat. I tell her she's upsetting me and she tells me I'm overdramatic. In so many words, she makes me feel that I deserve this treatment because I live in her house and she is my mother so she's supposed to have control over everything I do and when I object, she makes me feel terrible and calls me ungrateful because I didn't listen to her.

It's hard for me to put it all into words, but I hope you understand a little of what I'm going through every single day of my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[mimi03]

Basically, It's a Her home Her rules kind of deal.
No she shouldn't treat you this way but you can't stop her so, What Can You do?

Meanwhile saving to move out:

-Spend your free time doing some constructive things: volunteering, working on a hobby etc. Do something to keep you out of the house.

-Also, It would be great to find a fitness buddy. Your health is important, So if you are eating too much due to stress and the weight gain is causing your esteem to go down...
A fitness partner or just a personal goal to go to the gym and get a routine going may help you to increase yourself esteem and keep you away from home while being productive/healthy.

She will see you doing more positive things and this should give her less ammunition to aim at you but probably will not stop her.

Just remember, "Misery Loves Company" so she's only trying to make you feel bad because she doesn't feel good... Keep this in mind, set goals with time lines... Get a roommate if you must but definetely try not to drink your problems away, You can only cause yourself more trouble this way.

You also might want to go to some local AA meetings... Even if you don't think you are an alcoholic, You could learn ways to help you better cope with your stresses and also gain a support group!

[Choux]

Your mother is a very sick woman, and by no fault of your own, you have been poisoned by her, but not fatally!!

You are going to need help getting untwined from her sickness; get a therapist asap. :)

Now, I guess you are going away to pharmacy school? Cut her down to one call a week; you call her. Have the therapist be at school.

Open your own checking account... don't have a joint account. Use the joint account for her deposits and your school expenses. Get a part time job and fund your own checking accouont. :)

This is going to take you a while, but you have to do it.

Good Luck!

[homesick4va]

You need to move out. Period. Where there's a will, there's a way.

[Fr_Chuck]

So move out, that is your only way to change it, you are not going to change her

[Emland]

While she is supporting you, you are going to have to put up with that craziness. Personally, I would be out of there or rather, never have gone back.

If you are serious about finding your own place blowing money on concerts and booze isn't the way to do it. If you are serious about getting away from her, you can work full time and go to school full time - thousands if not millions of us have done it. It isn't easy - you eat a lot of rice and beans (might help with your weight issue) and don't usually have luxuries like cable or internet.

Get her off your account - open a new one if needed. Is there another family member that can help mediate a family conference where you spell out to your mother that you don't need her to call you 20 times a day to make sure you are still breathing?

Somehow, I get the feeling that this is the kind of mother that posts in the "Why doesn't my son want to have anything to do with me anymore?" forum.