[hiwiseguy]

My wife and I often do not do Christmas together (my family is far away, and nuts; her's is close by and nuts).

So we allow each other to do what each prefers on this big family get together.

Gifts in both directions between brothers and sisters in laws tend to be either cash cards or gift certificates to specific stores (quick and easy).

Then it changed: Xmas of 2006, I received no gift from any one of my wife's sybs, just a couple of cards (no problem, I get it: don't show up to see us, then no gift. No problem).

But this past Christmas, something else happened -- My wife's sister and her husband, bought my wife a trip -- an outdoor excursion (the very sort of thing I go in for) on a wild river, and a weekend with them on the Oregon coast at one of the nice hotels there.

For me? Not even a card.

I just learned of this today and was rather outraged that my wife had no problem with the gift and me not being included. I voiced my problem with it -- saying that it was hurtful and unthinking for her sister to present such a gift without including me, her hubby. I also said that I found it strange that my wife couldn't see her way clear to at least appreciate my position.

So that's my question. Do you think I am out of line feeling like this and then reacting by stating my dissatisfaction with their respective unthoughtfulness?

Really that's all I did -- state why I felt hurt at her sis, first, for not even thinking it might hurt me to be left out of a get away with my wife, and second, at my wife for not even suggesting to her sis that it might be innapropriate for her to vaction like that without her pard.

Please, give me your thoughts as much as you can from what I've explicated. Oh, I forgot to tell you -- my wife freaked out -- went balistic -- when I expressed my feelings.

Of course she gets to go, I would not think of trying to prevent her from having fun with one of her sybs, but man, don't I have a beef with what went down?

[tickle]

Guess you have to get over it now, but why can't you buy your own ticket and enjoy a vacation with your wife ? You two seem to have some communi cation issues, and I must say you have a BIG communication gap with your in laws and probably underlying issues that are not mentioned here.

[Romefalls19]

It's a tough call because you can see both sides from this angle.

First side, yours, you feel as if they don't acknowledge you as her partner, husband. You think they are doing this on purpose? You simply expressed your disconcern with your wife and she reacted abruptly. Communication is key.

Second side, the sister, they may feel as if you don't want to be included in any activities that they may be present in. Maybe try to send and hand out to them and show them that you do want to have some sort of normal relationship with them.

[JBeaucaire]

For years you've been vacationing separately and your family(s) are all aware of it. It is therefore perfectly understandable that her family would invite her to something without including you. YOU TWO gave everyone permission to do that with the way you've behaved over the years.

If that is no longer true, it your responsibility to "officially' notify your families that your wife and you are no longer vacationing separately and will be doing things together from now on.

Also, you immediately forgive her family for this current perceived affront since you contributed to it being possible. Forgive them in your mind most of all. From their position, you allowed for these things and they simply followed your lead. Admit that and the pain will go away.

But you can end it. Make sure everyone, including your wife, understands that all events and invitations from this day forward are joint.

[talaniman]

I can understand your feelings, but since you have practically made a tradition of Christmas apart, then you should at least be man enough to stick to it.

Let her have her fun with her family. Sorry guy, the rules don't change because she got a great gift, and you got a card. Not worth being mad about, and if you want it to change for next year, talk to your wife.

[JoeCanada76]

I can understand your feelings, but since you have practically made a tradition of Christmas apart, then you should at least be man enough to stick to it.

Let her have her fun with her family. Sorry guy, the rules don't change because she got a great gift, and you got a card. Not worth being mad about, and if you want it to change for next year, talk to your wife.

This was well said. I agree. The in law and family situation can cause situations but I guess there is a reason why you stay away from their family and your wife stays away from yours.

Why would your wife freak on you. You have every right to feel what ever way you do, but how did you approach her with this? Your approach could have aggravated the situation as well.

Lack of communication with in laws, I know all about it.
But please do not let the lack of communication and gifts be the cause for you and your wife to be fighting and arguing.

Joe

[bushg]

Please, give me your thoughts as much as you can from what I've explicated. Oh, I forgot to tell you -- my wife freaked out -- went balistic -- when I expressed my feelings.


If your wife reacted this way Tickle is right there must be some huge underlying problems... I wonder which one of you decided first that the others family was too nuts to be around... I suspect from the wife's reaction that you have been unfair to her family and this has been stewing for years and she finally had to vent.
From your reaction to the people on this site I can see why she went "nuts" on you... she probably has had all she can take... imagine dealing with you on a day to day basis that could not be easy.
You may want to take a self examination of your behavior.

[hiwiseguy]

It's a tough call because you can see both sides from this angle..

First side, yours, you feel as if they don't acknowledge you as her partner, husband. You think they are doing this on purpose?

Right on, that's how it seems, man. Your question about their intent is right on as well -- I mean, what do I do? If they aren't doing it on purpose then they seem completely oblivious. If they aren't completely oblivious, then they would appear to be trying to split us up. I don't like to consider them in either light. Kind of weird.

You simply expressed your disconcern with your wife and she reacted abruptly.

Yeah, her reaction seemed way over the top, I don't know, just didn't make sense. Seemed like there must be something more to it. Communication is key, as you say, and it's also a two way street requiring at least two moving vehicles.

Second side, the sister, they may feel as if you don't want to be included in any activities that they may be present in.

Yeah that's pretty-much it. Really dull folks. I am a doer -- they spectate and get heavy.

Maybe try to send and hand out to them and show them that you do want to have some sort of normal relationship with them.

Hey, that's probably a good tack. I was thinking bail, let them go, but yeah, maybe I should just tell them to have a wonderful trip with my wonderful wife.

Thanks man. I'll have to think of something great as a gesture. Maybe see that their rooms are stocked with a special wine or something.

Thanks again.

[Alty]

You don't want anything to do with your wife's family, is it a surprise that they don't want anything to do with you? You've made it very clear to them that you don't want to be around them, so why would they include you in a trip they want to take with your wife.

What did you buy them for Christmas?

[hiwiseguy]

Why would your wife freak on you. You have every right to feel what ever way you do, but how did you approach her with this? Your approach could have aggravated the situation as well.

There was no approach per se. It came out as we were discussing remaining July plans and confirming dates and what not. She basically just blurted it out -- oh, by the way, I am going to x with y and z -- it was my Christmas present from them. Like that.

And I am taking it in and as I am doing so, I am trying to figure how any couple in their right mind would invite just one member of the couple on such a get away. Or better yet, how would they expect it not to be taken as a slight of serious magnitude.

Lack of communication with in laws, I know all about it.
but please do not let the lack of communication and gifts be the cause for you and your wife to be fighting and arguing.

Nah, I am not like that. I say immediately what is or isn't right about a matter (as I understand it, of course) when it comfronts me. I stated how I felt and why by supplying the reasons that I felt were generating these feelings.

Thanks, Joe.

[hiwiseguy]

For years you've been vacationing separately and your family(s) are all aware of it.

No. Where'd you get that from? We've been doing Christmas at our respective families because basically it was the easiest way to keep the most people happy.

It is therefore perfectly understandable that her family would invite her to something without including you. YOU TWO gave everyone permission to do that with the way you've behaved over the years.

Huh? No, we're the sane ones.

Uh, thanks for reading.

[JBeaucaire]

Reread the first three lines of your post. You made it sound like you and your wife spend Christmas apart at your respective families. If that is not the case, then my post is irrelevant.

Were you trying to say that since you can't visit all families at Christmas, you and your wife do whatever you want regarding GIFTS? Yeah, that's different.

She should return the gift with a note thanking them but pointing out the she and you do not do things like that apart, and she is sure that some other solo individual would truly enjoy the event. Thank them for a thoughtful and creative gift, even if you aren't able to accept it.

See, polite and clear and non-accusatory. Safest approach.