[Toluca_86]

So there was this guy I dated briefly about 7 months ago, and we hooked up a couple times. Then he "friended" me because he had a thing for a friend of his, and thought they were finally going to be able to date and go somewhere serious, I think.

I hadn't seen him for 6 months because I'd been away, but the other day I asked him if he wanted to go to brunch with me. He suggested dinner, so there it was. To be on the safe side, I was assuming it was just a friends thing. But he paid for dinner, and then paid for the ice cream (even though I tried to pay) and we went back to my place and talked, and I felt like he may have been looking at me in "that way" -you know, and he seemed caught off guard when I ushered him out at 10pm by saying I had to get up early in the morning. Oh yeah by the way, and while we were talking at my place he mentioned that he'd just placed an ad for internet dating -and was a little ambivalent about it. I felt there was some purpose behind him telling me. I couldn't tell if he was bringing that up just because he wanted to talk about it and wanted to feel me out for how comfortable I'd be with that, or if he was just wanting to tell me he was single. I just played it off by being chatty just like we were friends, and not reacting to it in any revealing way.

I do like him, but I don't want to wind up feeling used again. I wasn't absolutely sure if he'd been hoping our dinner thing was a date, or what... I'm wondering if I should ask him about what he thinks is up with us (w/o having any expectations about an answer) or just wait until he decides to be more direct than just hinting at things...

What do you think?

[starfirefly]

Try doing the friend thing for a while and see where it goes, make sure he's not just trying to use you and if all goes well maybe he really does want to be with you more than that, play hard to get, you're a girl it should be easy :)

[talaniman]

Until he actively pursues you, nothing is up!

[Toluca_86]

Hmm... I guess I am not a girl that ever knows how to play "hard to get". Most of the actual relationships I had, I feel like I made the first move or two...

Does playing hard to get mean continue acting like I don't see him as anything but a friend?

What sorts of things could he do that would to you constitute "actively pursuing" me?

Could acting like I don't see him as anything but a friend possibly keep him from "actively pursuing" me (whatever that means)?

[Toluca_86]

Articles like these make me wonder if I can often be "too elusive":
Is He Or She Playing Hard To Get Or Just Not Interested?
How To Play Hard To Get And Still Get Him Or Her To Fall In Love by Christine Akiteng Dating & Relationships Coach
What do you think about them?

[N0help4u]

Do the friend thing and then when it gets to the point you sense he wants to move on because it doesn't feel like it is going anywhere or you feel that it is then find a way to bring it up. Like just say to him so what is up with your girlfriend? Or where do you see or want things to go with us? Get him to communicate.

[Toluca_86]

After that first meeting, the one I wrote about in the OP, I asked him to burn me an album. He asked if I wanted anything else, and I said "whatever you think I'd like". Then he made me a mixed CD and inside the cover he wote "Made With Love". (Which he could have just meant in a friendly way, but there were love songs on it and come on it's kind of suggestive... ) I've hung out with him a couple times since, again trying to just be platonic and not flirty or anything, and not having mentioned the CD.

I don't know though -do you think I should address this with him more directly? Like what my feelings are, what he meant by the CD thing and where he's at right now? Or do you think just ignoring it is fine..

I know he's had bad luck with women lately so I'm totally afraid he's just really horny and feeling pathetic and imagining he loves me or something... And as soon as another woman came along who he was more impressed with, it'd be like he'd just taken me for granted again.

[talaniman]

Your making this very difficult. Hang out a few times and have fun, and see if you click enough for him to ask YOU out. If he doesn't want to, then you know your wasting your time. The trick is to go slow enough, and pay attention, and don't give in to those feelings to empty your heart, or have sex, just cause it "feels" right.

[Toluca_86]

Yeah, but I mean, if I'm trying to be platonic with him, then I'm not being flirty. There is no chemistry, because I'm not making any. When he compliments me I brush it off or ignore it. And when I talk to him about certain issues I'm pretty formal. I'm basically consciously not being flirty, and not acting interested in him. So how is it supposed to go anywhere "naturally"?

You know what I mean? If you're interested in someone "in that way" you're going to act differently than if you're not. And so I've been acting 'not interested'...

For me at this point, it would be less about wanting it to go somewhere (I would actually tell him that I just want to be friends this summer) as it would be simply, clearing the air...

[talaniman]

Hold on here, what IS your whole purpose, and intentions, as your confusing the heck out of me.

[N0help4u]

You do not make chemistry happen either it is there or it is not.
You be his friend and see where it goes. Don't push 'FOR' anything.
If you feel you are drifting apart discuss it with him. Communication is always important.

[Toluca_86]

I disagree about the chemistry part. I can totally act disinterested in someone when in reality I'm interested, but then it doesn't go anywhere. A bunch of small signals have to get sent back and forth, generally, before the whole asking-out part takes place. And I can be flirty with someone I'm not actually interested in, and then they ask me out and I'm like "oops"...

But to answer the prior question: I like him, but there's no point in trying to do anything this summer. So I'd like to know if he's trying to tell me he likes me as more than a friend, and then I could tell him I'm attracted to him as well, but after the whole prior situation I don't completely know what to think of him, and this summer I only want to be friends, because then I have to go back to school...

[talaniman]

Do this guy a big favor, and leave him alone. If I were him and you were trying to pull that with me, I would be PO"D.

Can't you see your actions are more than a little SELFISH. You have an agenda that totally disregards his feelings.

[Toluca_86]

What are you talking about? All I'm doing is acting like I want to be friends with him, which is what I want.

And I'm totally confused about what exactly he wants. I can't respond to him unless I understand where he's coming from.

When you say "If I were him and you were trying to pull that with me, I would be PO"D" what is the "that" you are referring to?

[talaniman]

I disagree about the chemistry part. I can totally act disinterested in someone when in reality I'm interested, but then it doesn't go anywhere. A bunch of small signals have to get sent back and forth, generally, before the whole asking-out part takes place. And I can be flirty with someone I'm not actually interested in, and then they ask me out and I'm like "oops"...

But to answer the prior question: I like him, but there's no point in trying to do anything this summer. So I'd like to know if he's trying to tell me he likes me as more than a friend, and then I could tell him I'm attracted to him as well, but after the whole prior situation I don't completely know what to think of him, and this summer I only want to be friends, because then I have to go back to school...

You have taken a salutation on the back of a CD, and turned it into a soap opera. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but surely you can see your actions are based on something your making bigger than what it is, instead of honestly asking him any questions you have. At best just leave him alone, and let his action speak for itself.

If he is not calling or pursuing you, so why not leave it alone until he does, or not. That would be your best answer.

[Toluca_86]

I guess part of the reason I paid so much attention to the CD thing is because I know in his longest term relationship, one of the first things he did to let the woman know he wanted something with her was make her a mixed CD. We're both people for whom music means a lot, and have exchanged CDs in a lot of relationships. And some of the songs on the one he made for me could /possibly/ have been chosen specifically for our situation (one about age differences, a couple about second chances, going through changes, etc.)

But anyway, I've been acting disinterested in him because he's the one who broke it off with me and I don't want to seem like I'm pursuing him. But I could be overdoing it, and pushing him away. On this CD he wrote "Ask Me Why" (like about why he chose the songs he did) and I just wonder if I should ask him more about what he's going through right now. Maybe I should do that anyway, but just do it like a friend who's curious... like ask him how his dating efforts are going, etc.

He's just umm... a very "unique" person. Acts confident a lot, but I think he's also very sensitive and a bit anxious. Me too. So I don't know if I need to learn to play by different rules here, or what...

[talaniman]

Toluca_86, What are you talking about? All I'm doing is acting like I want to be friends with him, which is what I want.
You want to know if he wants more than friendship!
And I'm totally confused about what exactly he wants. I can't respond to him unless I understand where he's coming from.
Take the time to learn without the games.
When you say "If I were him and you were trying to pull that with me, I would be PO"D" what is the "that" you are referring to?
What if I did want more than friendship and you shot me down, because of that its summer excuse? Thats neither friendship or caring, and that would pizz me off because its you pushing to find out what I'm thinking, and using it against me. Who stands for that?

Slow your roll down, and let him come to you, if thats what he wants. Or at least be honest about your intentions, to make sure he isn't looking for more, because you don't want that(?). Friends don't play those games, they just enjoy each others FRIENDSHIP. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Toluca_86]

Well it's only summer for 5 more weeks, and then I go to school on the other side of the country, so I think it's a pretty good excuse, personally.

The reason for having a more, err... "serious" discussion would be so that maybe we'd both understand each other better, and we could be more honest and trusting friends (or whatever) into the future...

[talaniman]

So I don't know if I need to learn to play by different rules here, or what...

I sound harsher than I am, to make a point that is what I consider to be honest, so just be as caring and honest as you want him to be. No telling where an honest conversation can lead, or the answers you'll get.

[N0help4u]

Sure I am not saying that if there is chemistry you can not 'act' disinterested.
Chemistry is more of the attraction that is there between you
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