Check out some similar questions!

skywithdiamond · Jul 2, 2008, 12:09 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile I know he used to be an alcoholic but he stopped drinking for awhile. He just recently moved in with a friend of his and he started drinking occasionally. I think his alcoholism has come back but I don't know how to approach it or how to get him help. Every time I try to talk about he is either too drunk to know what I am saying or he gets mad and says he just needed to relax from work. I am very scared for him. And I really need help. He doesn't change when he is drunk but it has gotten ridiculous. For example tonight we were supposed to hang out when I got off work but he went to go play cards with some friends so I wait from eight until twelve and he still hasn't called, so I call him and he is slurring his words horribly he can't talk about one subject for more than one sentence and he told me he had twenty drinks. I know he drives after he drinks and that scares me so much. I just want to help him but I don't know where to start. Please help

kenchan · Jul 2, 2008, 01:09 AM

I think you should know the real reason why he drinks too much aside from he needed to relax from work. His reason is not enough because there are other ways to be relaxed. Try to approach him and ask if there's something bothering him when he's not drunk. You just have to be patient if you really want to help him.

KBC · Jul 3, 2008, 02:02 AM

Your boyfriend sounds to me like he has something other than you on his mind!

Alcoholism is all consuming,in recovery, we look for a way to not repeat the excesses and irresponsible behaviors of the past, he seems to be regressing to this state and leaving you behind.

This is more than a passion,alcoholism is a way of life(or death as it were)

The idea that he would rather have 20 drinks than call you suggests trouble for you and maybe you might want to start looking for a different boyfriend.Perhaps one who is interested in you not the bottle.

I hope you are back to read this and respond.

KBC

MayfairLady · Jul 3, 2008, 04:07 PM

He is not able to be a good boyfriend to you at the moment. He needs help. If he is an alcoholic he will always be an alcoholic but he can recover IF HE WANTS TO. He has to want to change. Suggest AA to him. If he does not want to change, your situation will not get any better, it will only get worse. Its so difficult when you love someone, but my advice to you would be to leave him until he sorts himself out. Put yourself first and be happy, see your friends and get a life of your own. He will never make you happy when he is drinking like that. If you want to find out more, go to an Al-non group, this group is for people who know or having to deal with an alcoholic, they would be very helpful for you. Don't waste your time trying to change him, it won't work, you can only change your own behaviour and take steps to look after you and get a good life.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 3, 2008, 04:28 PM

Let me see, you are scared of him, he will not listen to you or he is too drunk to talk to. Sounds like a great life? This is what life with him will be like only worst the longer you are with him,

He has made a choice he perferes his buddy and his drinking over you, now it is time for you to choose to be used, abused and forgotten or move on to a new boyfriend that will not neglect you over drinking

Katskan · Jul 4, 2008, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by KBC

The idea that he would rather have 20 drinks than call you suggests trouble for you and maybe you might want to start looking for a different boyfriend.Perhaps one who is interested in you not the bottle.
KBC

This is a terrible idea, don't do this. Someone with an alcohol problem needs help. They need guidance. If you love him enough to help him, reach out and help.

Originally Posted by MayfairLady

He is not able to be a good boyfriend to you at the moment. He needs help. If he is an alcoholic he will always be an alcoholic but he can recover IF HE WANTS TO. He has to want to change.

True to some extent but that's thinking too shallow for someone who is trying to reach out to him.

Originally Posted by MayfairLady

but my advice to you would be to leave him until he sorts himself out.

Bad.....don't do this. That would be selfish.
Of course it will be by his own will, but it takes someone who cares sometimes with a little push to assist in the matter. It's true he won't make a decent boyfriend while his attentions are on alcohol, but there in lies the problem that needs fixing. He's obviously had a relapse since you mentioned before that he quit for awhile. This means he obviously is aware that he has a problem, and has a desire to quit. To be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous you all you need is the "desire" to quit...then BAM....you can go to any of the hundreds of meetings that meet at all hours of the day and night to assist other recovering alcoholics. And I do recommend AL-non as it will help you to find answers for yourself and for him as well.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will not go away. It takes hard work...and a true friend. I think tha'ts great you are there for him....don't give up.

Katskan · Jul 4, 2008, 04:33 PM

Belay my last sentence......what I meant to say was, Alcoholism is a progressive disease that will not go away without assistance and hard work. Although I know many alcoholics that haven't picked up a drink in 15 or more years and still attend meetings everyday, and still call themselves alcoholics. They say it nevers goes away. It is cunning and patient disease, and that is way you have to avoid possible relapsing situations. It will require a lifestyle change for him...that is why most people have a hard time quitting. It's a change in lifestyle. If you educate yourself on the consequences and understand how it (alcohol) effects your life....most people realize they and thier loved ones are more valuable than falling by the wayside daily with alcohol.

talaniman · Jul 4, 2008, 06:25 PM

most people realize they and thier loved ones are more valuable than falling by the wayside daily with alcohol.

Sadly that is not true, if it was they wouldn't, need help and most do not recover. Just curious, how many have you ever counseled?

Katskan · Jul 5, 2008, 11:05 AM

Well, I guess I shouldn't speak on most people's behalf. But, people do recover from it. It's not a hopeless situation, though during alcoholism it seems that way. We become blinded by so many other things. I guess that's why they say alcoholism is a sympton of much deeper issues.
How many have I counseled? I don't do personal counseling. This site is the most I've "counseled" if you consider it couseling at all. It's more an advice site than counseling to me. Advice and opinionated really.

Katskan · Jul 5, 2008, 11:09 AM

Also I'd like to beg to differ on MyFairLady's suggestion that the only selfish person is the alcoholic. That is contradicting I think. To say that if you walk away from someone for being an alcoholic is not selfish. You're obviously walking away from that person because you feel your not getting what you want out of the friendship or relationship. That's pretty selfish indeed. A non-selfish person would help them out as much as they are willinging before they walk out and "give up" persay.

djbowens · Jul 5, 2008, 11:28 AM

WOW your boyfriend sounds like mine! He used to be an alcoholic, then stopped, then drank again, then stopped. I also asked for advice from those on this website because when my boyfriend gets too drunk - he slurrs his words, he doesn't call, he lies about STUPID things, and he treats me like crap. He also used the excuse "I was stressed out from work and needed a beer." ALL of the advice I received told me to leave him and I completely understand why others who are not in the situation can say "walk away," and make it seem so easy. However, I love my boyfriend very much and decided to give him another chance - and now he rarely drinks, and when he does - he limits himself to 2 or 3 beers.

I just talked to my boyfriend, with tears in my eyes, and told him how it made me feel. I told him that I can't be around him when he is drunk like that and that I can't put up with that type of behavior any longer. I love him with all of my heart, and it would be horrible for me if we weren't together anymore. I also said that I could HELP him change, but I can't force him to change - he has to be the one to change on his own. Thus, if he wanted to salvage the relationship he would have to make changes and stop drinking so much. Obviously, I felt bad asking him to do this, because I feel like I don't have the right to make someone change their life in order to be with me - HOWEVER I refuse to date an alcoholic.

Luckily, my boyfriend changed his ways because he saw our relationship as a bigger priority than going out and getting drunk with his friends. Of course, if he ends up getting drunk one night and acts a fool - I will have many people saying "I told you so." and more than likely, it will be the end of our relationship. But things are moving smoothly now for us - and hopefully your relationship will work out too. Just talk to him, tell him how you feel, suggest AA, suggest rehab, tell him you will be by his side in order to help him if he chooses to get help. Don't accuse him of acting like an idiot - this will only anger him - make sure you start it off with "I feel.." so as you are not accusing him, just letting him know how his drinking affects you. If he doesn't want to change, then either you learn to live with it OR you move on and find someone without alcohol issues.

MayfairLady · Jul 5, 2008, 02:59 PM

Walking away from an active alcoholic is the best thing to do because it tells them that their behaviour is unacceptable, ruining their own life and everyone around them and encourages them to think about what they are doing. As I said before, staying only enables the alcoholics behaviour and gives the alcoholic good reason to think that their behaviour is perfectly acceptable... cause otherwise my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner would leave, RIGHT? Alcohlics are the kings and queens of justification and only action not words usually get through to them.. sometimes this doesn't even work. As talaniman rightly said, loads of people die every day from this disease and you have to be very careful of the OPINION you are dishing out to people.
Katskan, if you are in early recovery yourself I wish you all the best. Maybe if you shared your own EXPERIENCE instead of your OPINION and criticising everyone else's you may have more of a chance of learning something about what you suffer from. If you read the BIG BOOK of Alcoholics Anonymous, which you can read online, or any other literature on the subject, this would be a perfect start for you.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2008, 06:16 PM

Maybe if you shared your own EXPERIENCE instead of your OPINION and criticising everyone else's you may have more of a chance of learning something about what you suffer from.

Had to spread the rep, but your whole post is true.

Katskan · Jul 10, 2008, 06:18 PM

Ypu can choose to help the alcoholic by being there for himor you can be just as selfish as the alcoholic and leave in behind. It just depends on how much you care about that person and their well being as well as yours in the situation. If you want to be there long enough to have a healthier relationship with him you will be willing to take risks in helping. If you only want the easy way out and are not worried for his well being then you can bail out on him. Only you will know the answer which way you want it.
If you decide to help him I wish you all the best. If you need advice on how to handle another situation he dishes out I can try my best to help you out.