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skoda · Mar 23, 2006, 05:13 PM

Background of my girlfriend, her family, and our relationship:

We started talking in August, and finally became a couple in September. She told me that she would be very busy, with work and school. Her and her dad own a pet store so she works almost everyday after school, and on the weekends. That is also pretty much the only time I get to spend with her, at her work. Which isn't very bad because its usually not too busy so we always talk for a few hours. She gets home and we talk on the phone until she goes to sleep. She is also a VERY independent person who needs her space every once in a while, and I always give it to her. She never had a mother figure either, unfortunate events occurred when she was a baby. So her grandma and her father are her two parents pretty much.

This all happened a week after Valentines. On Valentines day, she was so happy with what I got her, and the feeling was mutual, she told me how much she loves me etc etc. (Shes 18 and I'm 20 by the way.) A few days after Valentines day she started acting sort of "apart" from me. She wouldn't really talk to me or anything, just seemed down. This went on for about 2 weeks. I confronted her about it and she said she didn't want to talk about it right now. Well I get a phone call one weekend, we talk for about 3 hours. She starts it off saying "theres a part of me that really truely loves you, but this other part of me is afraid and confused." But also in this conversation she said she thinks she's too young to know what true love is, I agree completely as am I. She is afraid because she doesn't want to end up like her dad who is an only parent, or her grandma who has been married 3 times. She wants to find that one person and be with them for the rest of her life. I asked her if she wanted to get into more relationships and I didn't get a clear answer, she wasn't sure, as she is confused. We are on a break and not dating or seeing anyone else. Now, she tells her grandma everything, and lucky for me, her grandma tell me everything she tells her. What I have gotten from it so far is this: She is so busy that she hardly has time to think about me or miss me, but when she does think about me she does miss me. She also said I might have treated her too nice, meaning there was no challenge. My fault I guess. Also, she said she still really likes me and cares for me, and if we were to get back together it wouldn't be until she graduates. I know she still cares about me because I recently had surgery (ruptured appendix) and nearly died, she called me crying her eyes out after I had the operation. She wanted to come see me but her and her dad had both been very sick. Also, she has a lot of guy friends, and I tend to worry about that due to past relationships. She said she wants to be able to go have fun with her guy friends and not have me worry all the time. The strange thing is, she told me loves me the night she wanted to take a break, but she also said she isn't sure she knows what true love is. Also, she's a virgin - and wants to wait until she meets the right guy, and maybe that's what she's afraid of? I told her I don't look at her as a sex object, I love her for who she is, if she isn't ready yet then she isn't ready... I guess my question is, from all that I have told you guys, do you think we will get back together? I mean I don't want to put my life on hold and set myself up to be hurt again. But to me, that chance is worth it for her.

She also said she isn't going with anyone to prom, and she didn't want to take me because its my birthday and she didn't want to ruin my birthday by me being with her and we aren't accually "together" makes sense to me. She might not even go to prom... but she isn't looking for any other relationships which is what's really bugging me.
Her dad also told me the past couple months she had been acting different, unsure of herself etc... yet she still shows me how much she cares for me. Im so confused, please help!!

Thank you!!

talaniman · Mar 23, 2006, 08:35 PM

Relax and let her live her life and sort things out on her own, in the meantime work on yourself and make sure your act is together working and school or anything that keeps you busy. Get a social life with lots of fun people. Make sure your over your own insecurities and jealousies, keep in contact but don't overdo it! Leave the love thing alone for a while but let her know you care. Confidence and personality are your best allies right now as well as patients!:cool: :)

s_cianci · Mar 23, 2006, 08:36 PM

Given her age and circumstance it's not surprising that she's a little unsure of herself at this point. It sounds like right now she needs time to sort things out. She's at a very critical point in her life, being about to graduate and everything. She's got some important decisions to make in the next couple of years as do all young people her age. Right now I'd give her the space she needs. Continue to be friendly with her but don't smother her. Don't feel guilty about dating anyone else either. Get on with your life and let the chips fall where they may. You may end up back together or you may not. The best thing you can do right now is play it cool, don't pressure her and don't build your world around her.

skoda · Mar 24, 2006, 03:22 AM

Yeah I really don't want to put my life on hold just to get set up to get hurt again. Even right now it feels like it happened last night... but its been about a month. I try to go out with friends all the time to get my mind off her, but she's always on my mind, just because I'm so curious as to what's going to happen. It makes me pretty confused, since she tells me all these things, such as "im ready for a long term relationship," or "your the one for me, I love you so much." things like that make it hurt so bad inside. And now she says she may not be ready for a commitment. I guess I'm going to have to find some way to break it to her that Im going to be dating around now. I just hope that she realizes that she truly does care about me.

fredg · Mar 24, 2006, 08:04 AM

Hi, Skoda,
At 20, I was attending a University, with a girlfriend going to another college. She broke up with me, took me a year to get over it; started dating again.
Even my first marriage of 7 yrs, ended in divorce. Now, been married 2nd time for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman.
Life is strange sometimes, and loves does hurt. We take our chances, hope for the best, and if it doesn't work out, move on.
At 20, you have a whole lot of time. I am 64, and been there... done that!
It's not what happens to me today, it's all in how I accept it, and handle it.
Just be honest with her, tell her you are dating others. If she changes her mind, let you know. It will be hard to move on, but you can do it. I do wish you the best.

Toya · Mar 24, 2006, 08:28 AM

This girl is unsure and probably insecure about the amount of love u have for her since her mom was not there for her to teach her these stuff about men. If u are serious about this relationship u should let her know u can't wait your lifetime for her to love you back. She is a virgin you say, then she probably thinks that u will leave her after taking her virginity(get what u wanted and leave). She is a good and independent girl but she is obviously confused about the significance of love. "LOVE DONT CAUSE PAIN" it's the situation.

Wildcat21 · Mar 24, 2006, 09:55 AM

Here's the deal - YOU SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME WITH HER!! WAY TOO MUC HTIME ON THE PHONE!!

Basically - she's sick of you. You're always there.

Get a life... do other things...

There is ZERO reason to be a the phone with ANY woman for 3 hours. What the hel ldo you have left to talk about whe nyou see her??

You have become her 'girlfriend'. Friend Zone.

You never let her miss you. There was no mystery.

She is VERY sure of her self. Believe me. She wants a MAN. Not some insecure, needy boy who HAS to be at her work all day AND THEN ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT. You have become a love sick pest.

Sorry for the tough love. But it's for your own good.

I doubt you gave her space ever. I bet YOU HAVE TO TALK AND SEE EVER YDAY!! Yuck.

You made this gal your life... she should only be a SMALL pert of your life. Small part. You need other things - work, school, hobbies, FRIENDS, family.

She doesn't need to see you every day. She doesn't need to be on the phone for an hour at a time.

skoda · Mar 24, 2006, 12:12 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Here's the deal - YOU SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME WITH HER!!! WAY TOO MUC HTIME ON THE PHONE!!!

Basically - she's sick of you. You're always there.

Get a life.........do other things..........

There is ZERO reason to be a the phone with ANY woman for 3 hours. What the hel ldo you have left to talk about whe nyou see her????

You have become her 'girlfriend'. Friend Zone.

You never let her miss you. There was no mystery.

She is VERY sure of her self. Believe me. She wants a MAN. Not some insecure, needy boy who HAS to be at her work all day AND THEN ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT. You have become a love sick pest.

Sorry for the tough love. but it's for your own good.

I doubt you gave her space ever. I bet YOU HAVE TO TALK AND SEE EVER YDAY!!! Yuck.

You made this gal your life.....she should only be a SMALL pert of your life. Small part. You need other things - work, school, hobbies, FRIENDS, family.

She doesn't need to see you every day. She doesn't need to be on the phone for an hour at a time.

Oops I forgot to add this. I don't see her everyday at work, and if I do its for maybe 2 hours at the most. In December she lost her phone and doest have long distance on her home phone so I never talked to her on the phone since except on rare occasions, or when she would ask me to call her. Yes, I did let her miss me, but she doesn't really like that, if I went 3 days without seeing her she would call me all scared and ask if I was okay. She wanted to see me everyday because I have a heart condition called Pericarditis, she worries if I don't come in, like something happened to me.

skoda · Mar 25, 2006, 05:25 AM

Well, I sent her an email tonight about seeing other people and she at first said she agreed 100%. But then the conversation got deep and she said she still loves me, after a while she asked me to call her. We talked for almost 4 hours, almost as if we had just started talking again. It was like we fell in love all over again. She pretty much said she wakes up every morning wondering if her grandpa and grandma (her mother figure) were going to be okay, they both have serious health issues. She said her dad is driving her crazy, school is insane for her right now, and she felt like she was a burden to me because I have a lot going on right now also. I told her that she never could be a burden on me, I want to be there for her, that's what I'm here for. She said she still loves me, her mind is just all over the place right now with all these events. She believes that there is still an "us" but she doesn't want to do anything until after she graduates. She still cares for me dearly, and in the end I asked her if she would consider herself single, she's not all that sure, but it doesn't matter to her because she has no intentions on being with other guys or doing anything with anyone else. Its going to be hard waiting, but she pretty much said that we will be together again.

Feedback would be great :)

fredg · Mar 25, 2006, 05:39 AM

Hi, skoda,
Thank you for posting again, and giving us a follow-up.
I really think it would be very good for her, and you, to date others!!
It really isn't fair to her, being only 18 yrs old, to limit her to learning about life and relationshiops. If she is going to college, that's another 4 years, at least.
You really want to "limit" her experiences for 4 years? And, yours, too?
It would be much, much better for her, and you, to gain some more experiences with life. Just imagine that you and she got married today.
All your life's experiences would be limited to you both, together, and you would be learning things as your marriage grows. If one of you learns something new in the next year, then decides you made a mistake, Divorce isn't as easy as getting married.
So why not learn a few things first? If you really are both in love, you will be there for each other after she, and you, graduate. Real love does not know time, it's always there.
I really think it's completely unrealistic for both of you to say you won't be seeing anyone else. The Divorce rate is higher for younger couples, than say those who get married later in life.

talaniman · Mar 25, 2006, 08:42 AM

Sounds like a really nice girl with a level head. You've told us a lot about your trying to make her your lady and patients is a good thing but my question is what are you doing for yourself to make yourself attractive to this girl? Do you work are you in school do you have hobbies? Do you have a plan for the future? Just trying to understand what you'd be bringing to the table,And I think that's what she's thinking too!:cool: :)

skoda · Mar 25, 2006, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds like a really nice girl with a level head. You've told us a lot about your trying to make her your lady and patients is a good thing but my question is what are you doing for yourself to make yourself attractive to this girl? Do you work are you in school do you have hobbies? do you have a plan for the future? Just trying to understand what you'd be bringing to the table,And I think that's what she's thinking too!:cool: :)

Great questions! I currently have a part time job while I'm working on getting college finished. I am majoring in zoology / marine biology. One thing that brought us together was our love for animals, she and her dad owns a pet store, and my career will be caretaking / raising exotic animals. She knows that she has a future with me. She doesn't have time to see others, and she said she wants me to be the one but just not this moment in time, she's not ready with all the things going on in her life. As far as my hobbies go, I work out every few days, snowboard a couple times a week, and I currently am taking boxing lessons from a friend. When we first started talking she said she wanted to move back to California. Before she ever told me that I had told her that I want to move to California because it would be better for my career. There's so many things that we have in common, yet so many differences that make us even better partners.

I told her the only reason I said I wanted to see other people is because I thought that's what she wanted. I told her what makes her happy is what I want, even if its something like us breaking up, I just want her to be happy. Basically I thought I was a burden on her with all the things going on in her life, and she thought she was a burden to me with all the things going on with her. We both disagreed that we are weight on eachothers shoulders. I said that if I thought that I had to go through what your going through with you, then I wouldn't want to be with you, it's the fact that I want to be there with her with everything that she goes through. We had talked a bit about marriage in the past, if it were to happen, it wouldn't happen until my career is set, and I have a house. We both see eye to eye on life, and she said that this break isn't for a waste of time, or just to slowly break up and drift away from each other, its because she really needs it. Im starting to think that if or when we get back together our relationship would be stronger than ever.

talaniman · Mar 25, 2006, 01:55 PM

Thanks for your response,Skoda,just one more ,will her going to college make this a long distance relationship?:cool:

skoda · Mar 25, 2006, 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Thanks for your response,Skoda,just one more ,will her going to college make this a long distance relationship?:cool:

Not sure if she plans on going to college right away. I believe the plan was for me to graduate and get my career started, then she could start going to a community college, after that we would see what happens, doubt anything long distance since we would be living together by then anyway. But that's just what we had planned.