[xaiegen]

Hi! I just joined today after reading other questions answered in the relationship category and I appreciate the bluntness offered in this forum community. So be blunt with me!

I had a conversation with my boyfriend of 5 years about my life situation being difficult at the moment. What makes my life difficult is I'm 21 and I live with my parents, they are strict because their expectations are high and their rules are traditional/oldschool. I can't move out because I'm undergoing a court case to decide my status for being present in the U.S. Unfortunately, my parents do not see the case as being successful and they prefer to extend court dates so I can have enough time to complete my bachelor's degree, while pressuring me to complete quickly but with kickass gpa. I've tried asking for information on the case so I can file individually, since I was brought to the U.S. when I was 5, so I'm technically not at fault here, but I'm guessing my parents wouldn't have a case without including my brother and I as part of their case, so my mother won't give me any information, already filed forms with the USCIS, etc.

So, I was talking to my guy about my status situation being personal and how I didn't appreciate a certain person who has interfered in our relationship countless times knowing my status problems (her cousin was my brother's boss and saw him write down his alien number on his job application and found out that way). He said there was nothing he could do about people with big mouths. Hearing that, I don't think he understood that I just wanted him on my side for support. It got to a point where I simply said, I need you to support me right now I'm having a hard time. But he answered how he couldn't help me out because he doesn't know how to. Neither do I honestly.

Later I found out from his good coworker that he told her and other fellow employees about my status problems. Basically they told him I was with him only to get the papers (be a permanent resident). I'm already depressed and this just adds to it.

My question is: Can anyone think of a way for my boyfriend to support me so I can relay this to him, because right now I'm feeling very selfish since I've always supported him in his endeavors and I would like some reciprocity.

My second question is: I feel betrayed because this is personal and it's for me to let others know my status issue not him. 2.5 years ago he wanted me to move in, I didn't like being pressured but I bought him a dog to satisfy his assumptions of cohabitation. He also called his mom and she advised that just because she married young and so did his sister, it doesn't mean he has to, which relieved me of the pressure. Lately, he sees it as saving money by living together and his arguments are more valid, so I said I couldn't live with him unless we had a marriage license or a common law online application filed with the government. He said he was too poor for one or the other at the moment. His attitude towards me has changed and I'm assuming his conversations with his coworkers may have something to do with it. He is more suspecting of me, although he shouldn't because I have never forced him to do anything. It seems there is no trust anymore (or effective communication) between us and is this a relationship that needs to end?

Sorry it's so long, but I would appreciate any answers!

[JBeaucaire]

Question 1: Can you make him support you? No, of course not.

Question 2: You didn't ask a question. You just complained. Sometimes we can only complain because we already know there's nothing to be done.

Your question SHOULD have been: How do I get him to keep my secrets? You can't.

If your GPA is that high, then you're book smart. Now it's time to be people smart. You don't EVER get to make others do anything. They do what makes sense to them.

That works in your favor, too. If someone tries to blame something they did on your influence, the same rule applies. Their actions, their opinions, their beliefs, their mistakes are all their responsibility.

Now, you CAN choose to observe what others do and mention you don't really like it. You can't make them stop. Threatening is seldom effective either. But actually leaving CAN be effective to get them to see you were serious... but by then you're gone... so it's the next girl who benefits from what he finally learned. That's still a win, isn't it?

So, you only get to do things for yourself. You only get to adjust your own behaviors. So read your story back and ask us questions about how we can help YOU with YOUR actions/decisions/issues/behaviors. We can help you. We can't help him, he's not here on the forum asking.

[talaniman]

It seems there is no trust anymore (or effective communication) between us and is this a relationship that needs to end?

I would agree, and maybe you should be more independent on yourself, as without trust, and communications, there can hardly be a strong, caring, happy, healthy relationship. That's something you must decide.

[xaiegen]

Thanks for both answers and I appreciate the bluntness! I'll make sure to put it into practice.