[JaySkowo]

WARNING THIS IS LONG AND MULTIPLE POSTS

Greetings. My name is Jake and my ex-fiancee is Nina. This is my first time posting here and first time ever visiting a site like this. Please bare with me while I explain my situation in seeking help. Im 28 years old and my ex-fiancee is 27. I have been with my fiancée of 5 years for a total of 9.5 years, we've known one another since 5th grade. We started dating in 1998 and moved into our first apartment in 1999. We purchased a multi family home in 2000 at the age of 20 me and 19 her. We've done everything together in our relationship from cruises to road trips to visiting my relatives on opposite coasts. We spent large amounts of time with each others families and are close with both. Our relationship was envied by everyone we knew and were revered when it came to hanging out with other groups of couples. We spend every waking moment with each others aside from work and commute. We were happy and still planned daily and weekly events. We were still very affectionate and baby talked each others daily. We had regular sex 1-3 times a week even during busy weeks and both have regular orgasms through multiple methods. We never broke up previously but had the weekly "stress" fights but quickly made up. We mainly fought due to our personalities being almost identical from our strong willed persona's. Our relationship was 85-90% fun and loving and 10-15% stress from bills,home location,job,lack of money fights and fights from overall stresses.

My fiancée has gone to college 2 nights a week for the last 5 years with my help with her homework etc, she maintained a full time job with a commute of about 60-75 minutes minimum each way during this span. I have worked from home and on the property during this time. I only make 1/3rd of what she makes. A couple of months ago she finally graduated with a bachelors degree. She has been unhappy with her 60-75 min commute with the expensive gas and heinous traffic as well as her job/co-worker for years but stuck with it hoping for future advancement. Her pay was nothing to complain about either. Just recently her company contract expired and major changes started to unfold and she has stressed over what to do. She acts like unemployment may be a fun break for her if it occurs.

Over the last 2 years we've been prepping our multi-family forsale so we could move into a brand new colonial home in a wooded small town (we live in a concrete jungle 30 miles away atm). We'd live with her brother who is 30 and her niece who is 6. Her brother and I have spent months refinishing the exposed 25x25 basement for us to have our bedroom, living room and computers while only sharing the kitchen with him for 1-2 years tops. This would have been a good economical decision for her brother and for us. Her brother recently went through a divorce and was living on a tight budget and needs help. Within recent months my fiancée has expressed her deep discontent for having to live in our current home and neighborhood. She has many bills to worry about and has a nightly bartending job she does 1-2 days a week. After all is said and done she has little money left for anything and expenses are high. Among her other stress's are a vehicle we can't sell to get rid of its high monthly payment, not being able to sell our house on a previous attempts and a long list of to-do's that are taking forever. We share bank accounts, cell phones, title's, vehicle insurance.

In the middle of May 07 she went on a company travel trip to Kansas which is about 1000 miles/1 hour back from home. We spoke on the phone regularly during that week and she takes advantage of the non existent commute and go's to restaurants with her co-workers after work with her expense money. One night she was there she went out for the evening with her male boss's and co-workers who are all at least 10 years older and married with kids. This was a regular theme when on travel for the last 5-6 years. We agreed she'd not stay out late and she'd call me at 11-12 to let me know she got home safe and I could sleep without worry. She ended up getting home at 2-230AM my time when she called. She said she didn't bring her cell or pocket book and only her license and debit card and they all just got back. I got very angry and rode her pretty harsh and told her she wasn't going on travel again unless it wasn't an option. She didn't have her cell in case of emergency and got home 2.5 hours late. My point of view on this subject is that she took it for granted I don't mind her hanging out with other men co-workers who all consider her as a daughter. I wanted to reassert that it was really pushing the trust/respect level when things like that occur when Im already a super pliable boyfriend/fiancee in this regard.

Fast forward to June. My fiancée and I are still doing our daily life as mentioned previously. We have 2-3 fights that are above average this month, mainly initiated by me if not all. From my perspective they are caused by the large amount of stress we are now experiencing surrounding money and bills and living at a location we despise (one of our 8 storage units was robbed in February 07). We talk frequently about how things will be much better when we sell the property and move. She shows signs of not believing the move will ever take place. We're still having regular sex and kissing, hugging and pausing when parting ways to kiss and say we love one another.

After a recent fight with many demeaning words said by me we weren't in the best of shape on a general level. Two weeks ago right after a few moody fights as mentioned above we lay in bed close to sex and I get frustrated that she isn't as excited about the idea as me. After laying for a few minutes and talking with her she tells me that she doesn't feel the spark with me anymore and do we think we should split up? This was a "moment" question during a cuddle type situation about the new unknown feeling she had which was apparently developing for a 2-3 months gradually, the fights apparently made it spill over. I told her that Ive felt the spark had been gone for me on previous occasions over the years. I told her that it passed and I considered it to be a global stress effect and nothing more. I feel that our love, history, friendship, accomplishments, ties to everyone and level we mesh is more important than a "spark" that may have diminished or poofed during these stressful times. Sparks can be rekindled, the other stuff cannot be duplicated easily if ever.


READ POSTS BELOW

[JaySkowo]

Over the next few days she acts depressed and withdrawn. We talk to one another and she tells me she is unhappy about everything. I ask her if its me specifically and she tells me yes but its everything else also, her job wasn't included and she said it was tolerable. She hates our house, she is freaking out about a recent spider problem we've been having in our bedroom and the bills,lack of money for anything extra is way to old. She hates the cramped environment, our neighborhood and how quickly our house gets dirty due to our 3 cats shedding for the summer (I clean daily not her). She gets edgy and makes out of the blue comments that she wishes one of our cats died, she loves this cat and worries for him and his skin issues. I quickly realize my poor baby is genuinely feeling depressed and plan a cheerup strategy. A few days later after flowers, meals and restaurant takeouts she acts increasingly annoyed with me and irritable toward my every word and nothing worked. I bought her a gift and she liked it but told me that it wouldn't fix how she feels. She decides to go to her family's summer home with her parents for the weekend. Our daily conversations during lunch and trip home go from 30-60 minutes to 10-20 that week. I talk to her more in depth and she says that something inside her changed, she's taken a 180 swing and she's not in love with me "right now" but loves me and needs to be on her own at her brothers and try life on her own because she never had the chance. We have the same conversations over the next week and I have a meltdown and hysteria fits and spill my heart out to her. She didn't cry once but consoled me and worries heavily about my state of mind and health. She never had the chance to be on her own and she wants to know if her and I we're meant to be by experiencing the one facet in life she never had.

She swore on her beloved nieces life that she never cheated on me, that nobody is waiting in the wings, she has nobody in mind to date, she states that dating is a possibility as is anything else and this isn't happening because she wants to date others. After knowing her as long as I have I believe her. She was blunt about crucial questions but every answer was "I dont know and everything is 50/50 right now". If she decided to date while we're apart that it would be at least 6 months or more down the road. When I asked her if she ever thought about cheating on me during one of our stressful fallouts she wouldn't swear on it, she stated "no, not really" and then didn't want to be hassled anymore on the subject. Every other question she swore on other then that. I had thoughts of talking to other people throughout the years myself but this was during fights and I was home alone when I felt these things. She told me everything is unknown at this time and she doesn't have a definite answer to anything other then wanting to be alone to see how things go and how her feelings take her.

The guts of this whole dilemna now seems to surface with a new finding. While paying bills online I notice her cell phone minutes for the last statement were double mine. We considered getting new phones with a new minute plan and I was surprised to see the difference in minutes used versus her number and mine during the last statement. I log on to the call list and after identifying the majority of the numbers I find one that rivals my calls with her. It amounts to almost 400 minutes in one month, mine were about 900 with her that month. I speak to her about this number and she said she'd look when she got home. Upon inspecting the number she go's to her speed dial and see's that its listed under "Tammy's Cell" entry and shows me. I dismiss it as being the truth. After sleeping for 2-3 hours that night I felt something didn't sit right so I went upstairs to investigate further. Long story short I find out that she had two entry's for this friend, one named Tammy and one named Tammy's Cell in the alphabetical list. When I clicked on the regular Tammy entry I see two numbers saved, one cell and one home within. I wondered why she made a second entry for Tammy's Cell if its including under normal Tammy. I reverse phone numbered both the cell and home number under Tammy's name. Both turned up valid. The entry in her phone identified as "Tammy's Cell" had a different number that traced to an odd location. I then look back at the statement of calls made and see that she spoke to this number quite abit. The calls took place on days that she let me go to drive home in peace and listen to the radio. This was during our realization of her newfound feeling or quarterlife crisis. She spoke to this person on her way to her parents summer home this past weekend when she went by herself and it lasted the whole 90 minutes. I did further investigation and called the number myself, no answer and only a computer voice mail. I do an online search and find the person the cell belongs to as being "Billy". I met this person at a company party months earlier. He is 38, happily married with 2 kids and in the military, everyone knows they're friends. He works with my ex's other good friend right in the adjacent office. He's pretty bland when it comes to topic matter and isn't good looking. My fiancée spoke of him to me as much as she did anyone else from work including other males. She has him on her myspace friend list but he only has 3 friends and my fiancée is listed number one. I quickly went downstairs and woke her asking why she lied to me about the cell number. She asked me what I was talking about. I told her I knew it was Billy's cell number and she asked me how did I know? I told her it didn't matter and questioned her. She said she's good friends with him and they get along good and he's a good un-biased opinionated person and has been friends for 3 years. She told me she hid the number because she knew Id get mad and that Im hard to deal with when it happens. She knows Im not the jealous type so I don't know why she felt the need to hide this since mid May when this number first started to turn up. She told me she spoke to him about our issues over recent weeks and that he told her that she may be having a quarter life crisis and that her feelings to try to experience life on her own is a feeling she needs to feed since she's never had it and time is limited. She never had it on her own and has had the life of a 30's working women since she was 18. He also told her that he didn't think it was a good idea if I knew they were talking. He said that she really shouldn't throw away our history and everything we have together just because of this recent change in her. My ex-fiancee said that Billy's wife didn't know he was talking to her and that its not her responsibility and that its his. She didn't want me to call him to talk and that he's all worried I got the wrong impression about them and to tell me they're just good friends. He looks out for her on travel like she's a little sister, he was very concerned when he realized we fought when I found out it was him. Im sure this person coaxed her into taking aggressive steps to this unhappy feelings to make her happy overall. He does not know me or our history like a close friend or family would.

[JaySkowo]

My fiancee's has a great personality and has a lot of friends, no enemies and no clicks. She is gorgeous with a body to die for. She's extremely universal in type of friends she makes. Apparently he's been an un-biased outside opinion for her concerning her recent feelings about her life and where its going and what she hasn't done. She told her other best friend that she's having a quarter life crisis and that she needs to try life by herself to feed the urge and that everything is unknown for her at the moment. She also told her best female friend that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life and that she feels horrible for me because its her and not me (she didn't tell me this). She told her friend she's deeply worried about me having to go through this. On another note she has expressed interest in not drinking liquor or eating breakfast and the crazy idea to get a tongue ring if it didn't hurt so bad and she noted that its probably her crisis talking. She is still on a quest to lose weight though and is apparently glad with her results since she started to eat less due to all this.

She's now told her parents and brother and friends that we've split because she needs to be on her own for awhile and see how it is. She wants to make sure we're meant to be is what she told me. She told me she wouldn't keep me hanging if there wasn't any hope. She said she'd call me and not to call her. She knows I love her and nobody would ever love her the same, I still want her to be the mother of my children and die with her. I told her Id change all the bad stuff in our relationship and maintain the good if she comes back to me whenever that may be. She acknowledged it all and said she knows. I told her if she dated someone else and kissed or god forbid had sex with someone else I don't think we could be connected on any level ever again. She showed great concern over this and told her friends she can't imagine life without me. She doesn't know anything at the moment other then that she needs to be on her own. She's told her best friend and family and me that statement. She came home yesterday to gather he things and we spoke civil and she cried. She reiterated she wasn't in love with me right now but had no problem kissing me and hugging me and allowing me to rub various personal area's during that time. I asked if she had missed me in the 40 hours we haven't seen or spoken and she cried a little and said yes. She asked me if I wanted to put the house on the market "as is" and that she doesn't want to come back to it and its definitely tainted ontop of her other issues with it. We spoke and she said had no problem paying all the bills until I get caught up. She has no problem with me having 2 of our 3 cats who she loves dearly and treats them like babies our entire relationship. She said when we sold our truck that I can have the equity from the sale to buy another vehicle, she currently pays for all this. I told her id be waiting in the wings and bettering myself for our second wind attempt whenever that might be. She knows this and didn't shoot the idea down but did tell me that she wants me to hang with my friends and go out, I told her it wouldn't involve females and she told me its OK if it did. I asked her so Id be able to gauge the severity of it all what she would think if I dated a female or even had sex and she told me she wasn't going to tell me no and that it wouldn't bother her (she obviously isn't going to tell me not to if she wants me to let her be on her own and not greedily let me hang). She really knows nothing at this time but that she needs time to herself and on her own without me. When I asked her if she feels bad about what's happening on the last occasion I saw her she said she didn't feel bad and that she feels a wieght has been lifted off her chest. She has no definitive plans and can't explain the feelings she's having to anyone, something changed in her and she has this newfound feeling to be on her own and make sure things were meant to be. She has no problem with me speaking to her brother or mother about this subject. She has no issues about talking to my younger sister who she considers her own sister and stated that she's probably going to cry when talking to her (why is she going to cry?). I asked her if she missed me recently and she said she did and got a emotional. She wanted to know my plans for where Im going to live once the house sells. I asked her if we could date in the coming weeks if things go smooth and she told me not that soon and to wait awhile and see how she feels. I asked her if we could make love together in a few weeks if things go well and she initially said she did not know and then said "no" and that it would defeat the purpose of her being on her own. Me that sex with her would defeat the purpose of her being on her own. She wants quiet time with her books and in a nice house with her brother and niece while she's on her own. We were supposed to spend Sunday together fishing but we cancelled when I annoyed her about the Billy situation the morning before. This also cancelled our plans to spend the 4th together and now she is going to work instead of taking the days off. She did tell me that all of these feelings started 2-3 months ago and grew.

Her friend Billy is retiring from the military in a few months and moving 1000 miles away with his wife and kids. I asked my ex-fiancee if there was ever a chance she'd date him if he got divorced and she infatically said no and that they're just friends and its never crossed her mind. I referenced how we were once friends and then we dated and got engaged, her response was that if I were to put it that way then I guess its possible and that its also possible she'd date my slobbish overweight friends who she's also friends with. She promised she's never lied about anything other then the cell number incident and from now on we will never lie again. She said that Billy would not want to talk to me whatsoever and semi laughed when saying it. Billy was apparently torn up over the mess it created when I found out about him and told my ex-fiancee to tell me there is absolutely nothing going on and don't worry its not like that at all.

She says our engagement ring is now tainted and asked me who should hold it. I told her she should hold it as a reminder and she agreed to hold without hesitation. I asked her if we got engaged again if Id have to buy her a new ring and she said yes probably.

[JaySkowo]

I failed to mention one other tid bit. In Febuary/March of this year my ex-fiancee stopped talking birth control pills after taking them for almost 10 years. Her periods were extremely out of wack and she had 4 in one month, none in other months and lengthy bad ones elsewhere. She had a shot to help return her to her normal cycle but it didn't help. My doctor said it most certainly affects sexual attraction and desire and depression possibilities. This seems to certainly fall in line with the "spark" and sexual attraction issue. My ex denies it's the reason but I think it's a small part in a large problem. She changed the phone account password and her email password because she doesn't want me snooping anymore over meaningless items that cause her annoyance from me and my questions. She is leaving me on her phone plan and didn't ask for money toward it though.

She told me that she wants me to come see her niece even though we're apart because she knows we get along.

Im sure this Billy guy coaxed her along and gave her strength to make a move because she is not the same person. Im sure she is also having a quarterlife crisis concerning her daily rut and admits she's probably having one, will it always be like this and how long do these last? The money and stresses certainly compound things to this point also. Should she go on meds to level her out? Will it be a bad idea if we're apart for too long and what should I do to maintain a presence? I got a full time job that pays as much as hers now which is a HUGE change, will me getting this new job and losing 20 pounds help me win her back? These were modest and major concerns of hers for months if not a year. I asked if I can still call her the baby names and relationship names I always call her and she said yes I could. She updates Billy on the current situation and admits to it. She still says I love you back whenever I say it but misses 1 in 3 and tells me she doesn't feel like saying it sometimes. The final two weeks before she left she didn't want to have sex or really kiss me without pushing for a kiss. The final week when we were calm and speaking about all of these things and she realized I was going to let her do her own thing she had no issues kissing me on call and hugs and still walked around naked after showers in front of me. She acts like this could take awhile for her to find herself because selling the house and moving may take months.

She didn't call me today and last we spoke was last night, she told me she'd call me in a couple of days last we spoke.

Your thoughts? This isn't the run of the mill NC walk away predicament, her friends and family say she needs to do what makes her happy and be alone for now, they told me to let her have her space for the time being. We have such a past and such a meshed relationship on all levels for almost 10 years unhindered. It would be hard to match it with anyone else or even beat it. The security, love and stability factor would be impossible to duplicate and they all agree, we never spend periods apart other then the random work travel trip. Do you think time apart while I start my new high paying job, diet and lifestyle will help? How long do these things take when they occur, its most certainly a mild form of quarter life crisis and her friends have admitted to her they have had them with many regrets also. WHAT SHOULD I DO AND FOR HOW LONG?

[mike623]

I juat want to say I feel what you're going through. I've only been with my girl for just over 2 years and we're a bit younger than you (24), but she had a child when she was 17 so I think that's caused the relationship to mature a bit more quick. I love this girl like crazy and she's loved me the same. I planned on getting engaged to her this summer but things have flipped upside down. Much like your situation, I discovered that she had been talking excessively to another guy several states away (she met him through a friend when he came to visit). She even went to go see this guy for a few days and lied to me about the whole trip to "protect" me because she "loves me so much".

Anyway, she says she doesn't want a relationship with this guy but that he's an "escape" for her, someone she can talk to about us. She had to go see him because he presented a temptation and she might "regret" not having visited him. But still insists she doesn't want anything with him.

She's saying she so confused about herself because she's had a child since she was 17 and never really concentrated on her. She still doesn't want to let me go completely though. I had to be the one to say it because I think she just didn't want to hurt me so she was hanging on.

It's the hardest thing to do to let your girl go but we're certainly not going to talk them into staying. Let her be and leave her alone. She's got the memories to think about, and believe me she will. She can't get lonely as long as she knows your still there. I think that's just delaying her inner search. Give her the vibe that your OK... because then she won't worry about hurting you and she can think clearer about herself and this whole mess will speed up. This is HER issue, don't carry it with you. You sound to have established a meaningful life together, let her miss that. That's the only way she'll seek your relationship again. Trust me... you're NOT going to talk her back into it or snap her out of it like you want to! That's all on her! Get on with yourself and hopefully she'll come back. Keep your head up. I'm going through the same thing... it sucks, bad... but it'll either make YOU stronger or your relationship stronger. So in a weird way it's a win-win.

[rol]

Wow what a lot of posts.

"Your thoughts? This isnt the run of the mill NC walk away predicament, her friends and family say she needs to do what makes her happy and be alone for now, they told me to let her have her space for the time being"

I agree with your friends,
And you should also get on with your life and find a happy place.

[JaySkowo]

wow what alot of posts.

"Your thoughts? This isnt the run of the mill NC walk away predicament, her friends and family say she needs to do what makes her happy and be alone for now, they told me to let her have her space for the time being"

i agree with your friends,
and you should also get on with your life and find a happy place.

Does it look good or bad for me in your personal opinions? Id like to think my new job (making as much as her to which will create a wealth of extra money), loss of weight and attitude will certainly earn me some kudo points?

Ive adopted the whole NC and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=96092 strategy but fear that too much time apart may be a detriment considering all the people she has to talk to to keep her busy (Billy?).

Im stable and sleeping pretty well because I have faith it can be fixed considering the massive changes taking place from the norm we're used to.

[rol]

Yes pull right back and get busy.

Do not be a doormat and don't let her make all the decsions about this, a relationship involves 2 people.
State boundaries and communicate well with her , really listen to her, maybe she just needs that right now someone to LISTEN, Perhaps that's what Billy is doing.

Let her vent and Listen without offering advice.

[emopunk7]

It seems like it's over... I know because of the way she is acting, independent and seems to do fine and leaves no sign for you to wait, makes you want her so much more. Wanting what we can't have... Same with me... It's over though, and the sooner you realize that, the better for you!

[JaySkowo]

It seems like it's over...I know because of the way she is acting, independent and seems to do fine and leaves no sign for you to wait, makes you want her so much more. Wanting what we can't have...Same with me...It's over though, and the sooner you realize that, the better for you!

Its hard to imagine its over when everythings she's said and done just before our last big fight (purely started by me) has been positive. She wanted to keep our plans for the 4th and our lake trip and looked forward to the 4th after having a nice civil pizza date with me. She wanted to stay boyfriend and girlfriend and live with one another until the house sold and then try to be on her own if she still felt that way, she really doesn't know how to deal with this newfound change in her head and the emotions that accompany (or lack of). We fast forwarded that decision somewhat mutually as though things would only get worse if she didn't feed this urge asap. If she only wanted to be friends and be completely finished then Im sure Id know by now, she'd never let me hang. Im sure she wants this free time to be on her own, weed through her thoughts and emotions and hopefully miss me and see if we're truly meant to be. She's continually said she wanted to be soloely responsible for herself and freely on her own and that she feels it's a crisis in one form or another. She's admitting to her friends that Im the same person she's been engaged to and its not me (she never told me that). Its her lack of feelings as of late and the urge to test that portion of life she never had before the chance is gone, Id probably feel the same if I were swooped up and worked as hard as she has since 17. She never shot down the idea of me waiting in the wings and simply said I should hang with my family and friends as often as possible. Im willing to bet my house that she is 100% truthful in simply wanted the time apart to test our love, test this feeling of being solo and feeling it out and finding her way through these "quarter life crisis" feelings. She's continually reiterated she wants to see if we're meant to be (is there better or can I duplicate the feelings easily?).

Its not a cut and dry "its over", Im not in denial when I say that. I know her toooooooooooo well to realize that has a small chance attached to it. The only thing I don't know is what she talks to Billy about other then the obvious. I also don't know where these new feelings will effect her realization for us and what she had, hopefully it doesn't grey them out of sway them.

She's always been very independent and essentially the "go to" person in her office for the last 5 years. She hasn't changed in that regard. She's only wanted the in depth questions from me to stop (nagging ontop of all the other stresses), having to answer to someone other then herself and ability to see life as it would be on her own.

I told her Im going to become a better person, work hard and make a lot of money, get skinnier and have a new perspective on life (all of this is the opposite right now and has been for years, bills have crept up on us) and that I want her to have my children and be my wife someday. She cried and held my hand and reiterated she loved me but that she's "not in love with me right now" instead of saying "anymore". She simply acknowledged my offer and said she knows and when asked if she believes me she said "I dont know". I asked her if those changes would give me a chance and she told me "I dont know" and that I don't know about anything in my life right now and everything is on the fence until I know how it is on my own and with time.

[emopunk7]

I still think you should find someone else.

[JaySkowo]

I still think you should find someone else.

So much for giving it time...

Its only been two weeks since I found out she's not happy with her life and she has this new crisis feeling within.

She's been gone since Sunday night and we last spoke Sunday, I haven't called her but have been reaching out to her friend.

[rol]

Try to keep mutual friends out of it also, they may confuse you even more and interfere.

For now do as you are doing, don't stay too long in a limbo situation however.

[talaniman]

After 10 years you both should be finding a life without each other.

[JaySkowo]

After 10 years you both should be finding a life without each other.

Meaning we should have lives outside of one another to keep it fresh OR split and NC forever and find new people to be with?

[JaySkowo]

Well I spent the last few days speaking to two of her friends and briefly to her mother (she gave me her mom's cell number because I can't speak with my own mother). I told her friends my whole side of the story. Last night my buddy sent a message to her via Myspace and asked her how she is doing alone at her brothers house in the woods versus the city? He also said to her that he hopes me and her fix things between each other and that we're made for one another. She replied and told him "I am doing good, being alone is awesome. I'm not sure about the made for one another part, but we'll see what happens". She's not one to lead me on and she knows that my buddy will either relay this information to me OR that he sent it from my house. She hasn't given me this type of hope the entire time we spoke about the situation, the best response I got from her was "I dont know".

This morning she calls me for the first time since Sunday and asked me if I was awake, asked me if Id be home today and I asked her why? She told me she wants to come to get some more items of hers and she didn't want me to be there when she came. She told me she is angry at me right now because all of her friends/mother who I contacted and told my side of the story to had called her this morning/last night. She said she had to apologize to them for me calling them and getting them involved and answer their questions to which she hated to do. She doesn't want to talk to anyone or have all these people asking her these questions. She told me that getting these people involved go's directly against her wanting time alone right now. She didn't want to talk to me further and asked me to be out of the house when she came. When I tried to keep her on the phone for another minute she hung up. I called her back and left a message telling her Im deeply sorry and didn't mean for it to happen this way and told her it wouldn't happen again and that she's 100% right. She called right before she and her brother arrived at the house shortly after me leaving the message. They took a bureau that I refinished for her and some clothes, shoe's and a kitchen item. I told her I apologize for having spoken to these people and that I didn't have anyone else to talk to. I told her Id never do it again and Im very sorry it backfired on me and annoyed her. She apparently didn't want these people to know anything other then the fact she wants to be alone right now and take time for herself. The bombardment of questions has always been touchy for her as long as Ive known her. I asked her if we could talk later on the phone and she said "Maybe Ill call you later".

She called me back after they returned home (60-90 minutes since we last spoke), she only took what she needed and left 90% of her other things here even after this being the 2nd time she took stuff. I asked her if she accepted my apology regarding the calls I made to her friends, I told her that I didn't badmouth her or make things look bad and that I only spoke of how much I revered her to them. She said she accepted the apology and didn't ask for anything further. I asked if her family hated me now or if she told them personal stuff that even I don't know, she responded no she didn't and no they don't. She hasn't spoken in depth with her mother for a week about the subject and didn't want to. Her brother relayed what he spoke to her about to her mother. In the first call that morning she told me that my family was trying to call her and she didn't want to talk to them because she didn't know what I may have told them. I told them I didn't say anything bad and that they love her, she said she knew they loved her and ended that conversation. She was in a nice mood during the entire last call and told me she forgot to call me and tell me they left so I could come back (40 minutes later), she really didn't need to call me for me to know they left. She asked me if I was home yet and asked what I was doing even though I acted like I was ready to let her go. I told her I was walking to clear my head. She then told me she had to go get ready to leave soon for a 4th of July party with her brother and niece. She then said she'd call me later without me having to ask and I told her "ok bye" before she could.

When I spoke to her last I asked if she had brought any of my belongings I had at her brothers house (to gauge how she is feeling). She told me no she did not and did I want something? I told her Id like some of my shoe's and she told me she'd bring them sometime this week to me. I suppose its good she didn't think to bring my items without asking me first, this would be a negative sign. She also didn't think to change her MySpace profile from "in a relationship" to "single"

She's not one to lead me on and the Myspace comment she gave my friend gave more hope then all of the "i dont knows" she gave me during all of our conversations.

[talaniman]

I would be mad to if you blabbed all my personel business to everyone I knew, knowing good and well they'd go back to her with questions. She has asked for space and that's what you give her. A word to the wise. Stop interpreting everything as a good sign or a bad one. This is causing you to ovethink everything. Keep it simple with no games, and agenda's and get your life together without her. Your coming off as smothering, with all the questions, needy with all the calls, and begging with all the attention you need from her. The longer this is prolonged, the more it will hurt. Whether she ends up with you again, no one can know, but if you keep pushing her away, she will never come back. Give her time to evaluate these 10 years and answer her own questions herself. Just curious as to why you never married this female a long time ago?

[JaySkowo]

I would be mad to if you blabbed all my personel business to everyone I knew, knowing good and well they'd go back to her with questions. She has asked for space and thats what you give her. A word to the wise. Stop interpreting everything as a good sign or a bad one. This is causing you to ovethink everything. Keep it simple with no games, and agenda's and get your life together without her. Your coming off as smothering, with all the questions, needy with all the calls, and begging with all the attention you need from her. The longer this is prolonged, the more it will hurt. Whether she ends up with you again, no one can know, but if you keep pushing her away, she will never come back. Give her time to evaluate these 10 years and answer her own questions herself. Just curious as to why you never married this female a long time ago??

Your absoloutely right about the smothering part. She is having a good time "alone". I want this for her whether we're together or not because she most certainly needs it.

We haven't married one another simply because of the money issues we've had over the years. She has asked me time and time again when we're going to the Vegas White Chapel and Ive only pushed it off until we're moved into her brothers house etc etc. Who's kicking himself in the a#$ now?

Money is most certainly the majority issue in all of this along with this house we're living in. She's the type of person to keep stuff pent up for awhile and either dispel it on her own or pull something like this.

On half a dozen occasions over this past year she's told me that's its hard to find me attractive and naturally want to engage in sex with me because she knows Im home all day when she's at work. Im sure my new job will certainly be a HUGE fix/boost for her and her thoughts for me. Its honestly going from $300 per month to $4000 per month for me. The downside is that the investment property will be put on the back burner to which she seems fine about. Pray for me...

[JaySkowo]

How long should I give her while I wait in the wings but still having my own life before I need to know her future outlook/plans? She likes being alone right now and is under the care of her brother atm at his house. Im sure she'll get lonely eventually, she's without her 3 cats, someone to talk to about her work day and obviously the daily intimate encounters and missing me in general Im sure. I just want to gauge how long these sort of things may take. She leaves for work travel for 4 days this week and will be 100% alone without her brother next week.

I start my new job this Monday which will be able to cover every conceivable bill under her name and my own. This has never occurred before and she's been the person to deal with that facet of the relationship forever. Ive also lost 10 pounds in 12 days and want to lose 20 total before we physically see one another...

Thoughts?

[talaniman]

Since you're the one giving space, I think she will call when, and if she is ready to. Continue with your life, and give her all the space she needs.