[memorypill]

Ok I know I've posted what has happened to me but here is the short again my girlfriend of 4 years (and only sexual partner both ways) finally had her curiosity get the best of her at a weak spot of our relationship. She told me right away and said that she felt we had to break up now.
So I guess my question is could it be her guilt? I know this girl well and every time she has ever done something she knew I wouldn't approve of no matter how silly she always would feel so guilty and she would always try to push me away a little bit because when I would tell her I loved her and that she was great or whatever it would bother her. So I feel that now since she has done something so aweful I feel like now maybe its her guilt and inability to forgive herself yet that is making her push me away. When I have seen her I can still feel that she loves me so much. If she's not ready to forgiver herself does it make sense that she would push me away? That before she can let me forgive her she must be able to forgive herself and figure out why she did it?
Thanks as always for all of your advice I know the girl cheated on me but she was always wonderful to me and really is a great person and I really love her which is the only reason I could consider forgiving her (not forgetting yet but forgiving)

[confused1145]

Yes, to me it make perfect sense that she would push you away due to guilt. Maybe she knew she hurt you and is afraid of doing so again. I've done this myself in the past.

[memorypill]

See that's what I honestly feel. I mean she cheated on me but she keeps calling herself a whore every time we talk about it which bothers me. I know she's not like that and I feel that just being young she got curious and when it started to happen at a weak spot for us she didn't stop it like she thought she should have and now feels aweful.
But I guess what I'm asking is how can I make her feel better about it so she realizes that simply pushing me away isn't going to make things better I really miss the girl. I know she cheated and it hurts but I don't want to loose her.. . help

[liz28]

I think there isn't much you can do to help. You can only say "I forgive you" how many times? I think it should be the other way around.

Most likely she breaking away from you because she knows what she did was wrong and hurtful to you, and that's what's in her mind. This might sound stupid but she have not forgiven herself and yes guilt is on her mind. She can even come around or not, but it's her that have to want to come around. When someone has a conscious its hard to face someone that you done wrong, but someone who don't can easily face you.

[memorypill]

Im afraid that there's nothing I can do. I hate what happened but the idea of it ruining our relationship like this is driving me up a wall. She even said to me she wished that it haddnt of happened because than we could have just had a fight and gotten over it. Im so depressed.

[talaniman]

Sooner or latter you will have to recognize that she doesn't make the best decisions, or handle the emotional fallout very well. She has to cope with her feelings a lot more positively.

[memorypill]

Sooner or latter you will have to recognize that she doesn't make the best decisions, or handle the emotional fallout very well. She has to cope with her feelings a lot more positively.

Yes your right. I need to just figure out how to reassure her of us and of herself. Im not going to let this one slip away from me.

I wrote a long personal letter about what I think I did that hurt us and that I wanted to forgive her and what I thought was important to that. The next time I see her I plan on just having fun with her and trying to make sure she just enjoys our company and than I'm going to leave her with the letter so she has some time to read it and digest it. Im hoping it will work.

Anyone have any ideas on how to help someone forgive themselves?

[Fr_Chuck]

A person always has to come to grasp with their own choices and know they are responsible and deal with their own choice first.

If she will try and get counseling if both of you want to try and make it work.

[JBeaucaire]

Her calling herself a "whore" over and over again in front of you is, in my opinion, a manipulative move. Yes, you're right, she feels guilt. But she's taking that guilt and using it to put YOU off your game by making you HAVE to defend her and forgive her over and over again, lessening her guilt reflex by putting it on you.

If you want to help her get over her guilt, stop defending her. When she calls herself a "whore", stop telling her she's wrong. She's using HER words to describe herself. She needs to work through that and you need to let her.

HER: "I can't forgive myself. I'm such a whore!"
YOU: "It hurts to honestly face your mistakes. I go through the same stuff."

Just don't take her mistakes onto your shoulders anymore. You've forgiven her, now let her work the rest out herself. You just stay out of it when she starts in.

Don't appease her if that's the pain she needs to feel to never repeat her bad behaviors.

[talaniman]

I think she needs to work on her issues herself without you.

Honestly, I think she is going through this drama to avoid the consequenses of her actions.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with Tal, you can't assume she did it because she was young and curious. She did it because SHE wanted to. She made a choice to have any guy do what you thought she should do with you. She obviously didn't care as much as she said because she cheated on you instead of breaking up with you first. I don't want to hear about that weak spot of a relationship because you're only as strong as your weakest spot.

[memorypill]

Right. You know it may be stupid but I've been talking to my mother in great detail about it and she knows the girl really well to. She doesn't believe that she actually cheated on me. I don't know why she would lie about something like that but my mother is convinced that she wouldn't do that and she probably told me that so that she could have a real good reason and to hopefully get me to dump her because she wanted to take a break but couldn't get up the nerve or a good reason to dump me. I don't know if I believe this or that I just want to believe it but she said she really doesn't believe she could do that. I mean I never thought the girl could do it and it kind of fits because she told me last night that she was almost hoping I would cheat so she could have a reason to dump me. I really think the girl just needs some space and wants to experiment and to make sure that this relationship was true.
My mother is convinced this is the case but I don't know why she would say something that aweful just to get me to dump her so she wouldn't feel like she didn't have a good reason for dumping me?

[talaniman]

Her reasons and motives really don't matter at this point do they? The only thing that matters is what you decide to do about it.

Me, I leave the drama and assumptions behind me, and give her all the space she needs to solve her own problems.

Disappearing from someone's life, is an art worth mastering.

[JBeaucaire]

Your mom's beliefs or her mom's beliefs are exactly irrelevant. They hold no truth whatsoever for you. You do not base reality between you and the girl on ANY third party's "beliefs".

What you CAN do is believe what she says and what she does. She says she's a cheater and a whore, then that's what she wants you to know right now.

Which makes more sense - Listening to and heeding her description of her habits and actions, or listening to some other person's "beliefs" about her habits and actions?

[memorypill]

Yeap you guys bring some good points. Right now she's bringing some serious bull**** to keep this up the girl knows I love her and that id do anything for her and if she's just being experimental or not she's playing games. I guess I'm having a hard time because I don't see how someone can do that to another especailly one they loved. Ill give her the time and space she needs if she wants me back in time I guess she's going to have to work to deserve it back whether I really did hurt her or not it can't be as bad as she's hurting me now so she's going to have to earn my love back... (now only if I can convince myself of that for longer than an hour.)

[talaniman]

Just love yourself more than you do a lying, cheating, whore.

[jrebel7]

Tal, is this a "Tal Original"??

Disappearing from someones life, is an art worth mastering.

I haven't seen it before but it is powerful!