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upset17 · Jun 4, 2008, 02:25 AM

Last night my boyfriend of 9months and I were kissing and hugging goodbye when I blurted out... with no warning from my brain...

"I really love you, you're lovely". (I think I got my words jumbled, as I was trying to say "I love being with you")

His response was "you're so lovely". He was really nice and kissed me really tenderly goodbye, and today he's perfectly fine with me, but I feel in turmoil. In a way I feel angry at him, even though he's done NOTHING wrong.

I feel rubbish, I didn't mean to say it as we aren't really at that stage yet, it just slipped out. He tells me all the time that he's "fallen for me" and that he's "smitten", but I'm not sure what that means. I feel I've taken the relationship down a road I didn't want to. Now I'm going to be fretting about the embarrassment, the pressure I might have unduly put on things, it's really making me reassess what I'm doing.

Every time I think of the moment I cringe. Plus we work together so despite my best efforts to avoid him it's constantly rubbed in.

Please help, any advice would be so gratefully received... how do I overcome the embarrassment and feel more normal again? If he blatantly:o :o :o :confused: doesn't love me can I really carry on in this relationship? Should I address the issue?
X

upset17 · Jun 4, 2008, 04:04 AM

He keeps asking if I'm OK, I need a plan of action to get me through the day! Aaaargh...

JBeaucaire · Jun 4, 2008, 04:05 AM

Calm the HECK down, lassie! This is actually a very simple problem and it is great that you get a chance now, early on, to fix this and fix it for good.

The simple lesson you need here? You MUST allow yourself to express yourself naturally at all times to all people without the need for reciprocation.

In fact, requiring those around you to whom you share and bond feel back at you the same way or verbally respond the same way... that's actually childish and manipulative.

Further, when my wife says an unsolicited "I love you", it is FAR more meaningful than a reflexive "I love you, too." Does that make sense?

So, you didn't blurt anything out, you didn't misspeak, you haven't made any error. You spoke from the heart and he heard you. The only thing you need from him is to be able to hear you and not feel threatened. Sounds like that's exactly what happened.

It's been 9 months. That's plenty of time for you to be able love him well enough to tell him. But you "needing to hear it back" actually deflates the moment if you think about it properly. Don't be that way, ever, on any topic. Enjoy what you feel and honestly acknowledge what he shares when he does it.

What you feel for each other is important, but reciprocity is not the goal. The goal is to feel things and freely express them without shame or neediness. Can you do that?

upset17 · Jun 4, 2008, 04:23 AM

You're so right, I am being a bit of a princess about the whole thing. I think it stems a bit from the fact he can be a bit non committal about a lot of things, so this is yet another one to add to the list... don't want to feel as though I'm the needy chick I guess...

I do need to chill out, as it is only me that's making a big deal of it. Wish I didn't have this childish need for control! Grrrr.

Romefalls19 · Jun 4, 2008, 05:20 AM

It's not a big deal, he didn't go running for the hills. You said how you felt when you felt it, so don't dwell on something you can't change.

JBeaucaire · Jun 4, 2008, 08:03 AM

This princess menatilty can actually do a lot damage to relationships. Good to spot it and quash it every time it is found. There are many ways you can wield this against him, too, and there's little he can do but just let your princess storm rage at him. Here are some examples.

Getting mad when:

...he doesn't reflect your feelings back at you (this situation)
...he has things/friends he wants to do without you (encourage this!)
...he's trying to do something you want him to do, but doesn't WANT to do it, so you punish him for "being fake" instead of just letting him do right by you for his own reasons, however he gets there
...he doesn't do things to make your fears of things that haven't even happened go away ("I'm scared you'll leave me...make me feel better!")
...he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do him (though he still here, plugging away)
...uses logic against your "feelings" in an argument

upset17 · Jun 4, 2008, 08:27 AM

So true, think it's a common trap for girls to fall into, I really hate it in myself although up until now I think I've been relatively OK... it's more when I feel insecure that it gets the better of me.

He rang a second ago to ask if we could go for a drink tonight after I see my dad for dinner - I'm a little nervous although he seemed relatively normal (if a little more eager to see me than usual). I'm just scared in case it's a "we need to talk" talk, in which case I'm unsure what to say..? Aaarghh, me and my mouth. Damn these insecurities.

cfloveu · Jun 4, 2008, 11:02 AM

How did all this love begin? I guess you have told only a half story. But not your feelings and other things like where did u meet him and how all the relationship started?

starlite1 · Jun 4, 2008, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by cfloveu

How did all this love begin? I guess you have told only a half story. But not your feelings and other things like where did u meet him and how all the relationship started?

Good point, CFloveu. This sounds like a romantic story!

Honey, you go out with him and have that drink :) ! I don't think you have anything at all to worry about, my dear. Just be yourself, and what ever you do, DO NOT take back or explain your saying "I Love You" to him. This is from your heart (like JB said) which is the way love should be expressed...

Keep us posted :)

cfloveu · Jun 4, 2008, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

Good point, CFloveu. This sounds like a romantic story!

Honey, you go out with him and have that drink :) ! I don't think you have anything at all to worry about, my dear. Just be yourself, and what ever you do, DO NOT take back or explain your saying "I Love You" to him. This is from your heart (like JB said) which is the way love should be expressed....

Keep us posted :)

Starlite how about your love life now? Are you looking someone?

starlite1 · Jun 4, 2008, 11:20 AM

Hi Cf,

Please read my questions, you may want post your responses/questions there. I don't want to take away from someone else's posts...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-220361.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st-221485.html

Sonador101 · Jun 4, 2008, 12:14 PM

I agree with BJ awasome advice

upset17 · Jun 9, 2008, 09:00 AM

Well it's all OK between us, things are as lovely as ever, but am still kind of feeling confused about things... if he can say that he wants to marry me, that he's fallen for me etc, why does he not say 'i love you'? It's like he's avoiding the three words, and they're becoming a bit like a white elephant in the room. Do some people simply NOT say 'I love you' out of principle? X

JBeaucaire · Jun 9, 2008, 10:52 AM

The "white elephant" is a problem EVERYONE knows about and won't talk about. This is a problem in your mind, not his, so it's not a white elephant.

You need to stop measuring the things you wish he said and honor the things he DOES. Men are creatures of actions. What he DOES is how you decide if he's a keeper or not.

TOO MANY MEN are good with words. Saying "I love you" means far more to a woman than it does to a man, and some men use that to their advantage.

Your guy is just the opposite, isn't he? Without having to say the words, which he may actually be very uncomfortable with, he continues to demonstrate his love for you including discussing long-term, even life-long, plans with you.

Why can't you take him as he is? What he does is honest enough. Go with that and let it be what it is.

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

The "white elephant" is a problem EVERYONE knows about and won't talk about. This is a problem in your mind, not his, so it's not a white elephant.

You need to stop measuring the things you wish he said and honor the things he DOES. Men are creatures of actions. What he DOES is how you decide if he's a keeper or not.

TOO MANY MEN are good with words. Saying "I love you" means far more to a woman than it does to a man, and some men use that to their advantage.

Your guy is just the opposite, isn't he? Without having to say the words, which he may actually be very uncomfortable with, he continues to demonstrate his love for you including discussing long-term, even life-long, plans with you.

Why can't you take him as he is? What he does is honest enough. Go with that and let it be what it is.

This is actually very good advice. Always remember (I should take this advise myself) that actions, Most always, speak louder than words.

plonak · Jun 9, 2008, 04:22 PM

I have to say don't make a problem out of nothing.. Im not trying to deminish your feelings but if both of you are happy in your relationship, just let it be that.. he will tell you when he is ready..

I had problems of control too in my last relationship (I broke up with my ex on Friday) I felt anxious when I couldn't control what was going on, I think I might be a co-dependant to an extent..

So what I am saying is just relax and let this be.. you're lucky that you're happily in a relationship.. I'm hurting really badly right now.. I have to admit I envy your problems..

Lovelee · Jun 9, 2008, 08:40 PM

I used to think that a man doesn't love you until he says it... not true. Sometimes you can just tell by the way he looks at you, the way he holds you, and the sweet little gestures that he does speaks volumes. I told my boyfriend I loved him first, his response? "I'm hungry lets get something to eat!" I didn't get too upset because he has a lot of pride. A week later during a fight I told him if I upset him so much why are you with me, then he said "I can't do that, I'm too much in love with you. The point is some men can't say the words so easily, maybe its an ego thing but he expresses it in other ways. Learn to pick up on the vibes he gives you will be able to discern for yourself. It sounds like your boyfriend shows you and for some its a lot easier that way.

Chery · Jun 9, 2008, 10:15 PM

You've gotten some sound advice here dear.

A guy can say I love you and treat you like crap... which is more common than we'd like to think at this day and age. He could just be a believer in 'actions speak louder than words' and as long as he treats you right, encourage and accept his attention.

Oh, although I have not heard 'being smitten' for many years - believe me it's a compliment.. i.e. he's enamoured, flabbergasted, finds you adorable and unbelievable. So, instead of saying what most guy say and don't always mean, he's finding other words of endearment - that shows effort.

So, as long as he keeps you on cloud-9, enjoy it and give him a great big hug.

upset17 · Jun 10, 2008, 04:34 AM

Thanks so much to you all, you're lovely.

I'm far too insecure for my own good, I keep looking at the negative (am I not enough? Des he feel there's something missing? ) but instead I should focus on the great things in our relationship.

Does anyone have any advice on quashing jealousy and insecurity in yourself?

JBeaucaire · Jun 10, 2008, 08:45 AM

Jealousy and insecurity are selfish activities. To be hurt by them, you have to focus on yourself.

"Am I not enough?"
"Does he feel there is something missing (from me)?"
"Why doesn't he do _____ for me?"
"How could he be attracted to ________ over me?"

Me, me, me. That's the definition of jealousy and insecurity... above all, make ME feel better. Do it now. Comfort me. Appease me. Change who you are because I wish it and have doubts otherwise.

Sounds pretty lame doesn't it?

Healthy relationships are about giving unconditionally to others. Getting it back in kind is nice, but not required. The joy is in the giving and caring for the other person.

How else can marriages survive situations where real betrayal has occurred? Without some ability to love unconditionally, being married is no safer than dating, and it's SUPPOSED to be safer. Forgiveness is an active and powerful force in an unconditionally loving heart.

And the key difference here is that at some point you stop fretting the small stuff, you look for ways to make your mates life better just because. Not because they earned it or do it back (that's awesome, too), but just because. You focus on giving, not getting.

Bad stuff IS GOING to happen. What do you gain by working to AVOID bad stuff? I think nothing, but wasted energy and depression during otherwise good times. It's nuts to spend time on it in advance of real issues occurring.

It takes SO MUCH work implementing a jealous/insecure mindset. Imagine how much you can do for others with that energy!

There are peope who would rather DIE trying than sit back safely and avoid. Jump in with both feet. You learn SO much more about life and love and such by being in the thick of it, all barrels blazing.