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BoldRed · Jun 1, 2008, 12:30 AM

Hi, I've been in a relationship for almost a year now. Everything goes well until my boyfriend slips into these strange isolation periods. He blocks out certain things, one of which is me. I feel completely non-existent, especially because it seems he enjoys not being apart of my life. He'll go out with friends, have fun and everything, and if I try to communicate with him it almost seems like he is rubbing it in my face. I can't help but think, or would like to think, that it's just a face and that he is really depressed inside. It's been changing into a strange pattern now. He'll slip his isolation, then I'll feel depressed, so he'll begin to start being more sympathetic with me. Then once I start becoming more cheerful, he slips right back into his hole. I can't figure out what to do. Recently I questioned our relationship and told him I couldn't do things like this. It only cause lots of pain for both of us. At this point I'm not sure what to do, we are planned to go out next week, assuming doesn't keep hiding from me. I know that if we do go on the date that we'll have lots of fun and he'll pull out, and if I cancel, he'll just stay invisible to me. I am in desperate need of advice. Thanks

JBeaucaire · Jun 1, 2008, 06:23 AM

My advice to you is "Pay attention." You've dated long enough and are familiar with each other to the point that you are both behaving normally to one another now.

What does this mean?

It means he's showing you what to expect from him. I don't want to scare you, I want YOU to be realistic. Guys seldom, if ever, are "convinced" into changing much about themselves or their habits. They do change a little here and there, but mostly in small ways and ALWAYS because THEY wanted those changes.

It means you are seeing who he is. You are at the point in your dating life that you make choices. Can you live with and love and put up with the negatives you see in each other forever... or not?

Notice, there is no 3rd option of "stay together and get him to change the following things....". That's just not the way it usually works.

Here's the harsh path:
Decide you can't put up with it, own that decision, and move on. Even if your goal is to get him to change so you two can stay together, this is the only way to ever reach that point.

And he probably won't change. But if he does, it has to be because he actually DID lose you, not because he was in danger of losing you. It had to be real.

Also, this could take him a LONG time to work through. You really want to put your life on hold waiting and hoping he'll work it out?

In the meantime, and since you really meant the break, you move on and date others. Again, if you're ultimately hoping to get him back "all fixed" you still have to make it real. And who knows, your ACTUAL life mate might walk into your life and surprise you. Might as well be open to it.

talaniman · Jun 1, 2008, 06:31 AM

Dating should be fun as you learn each other and how best to communicate with each other. He may have issues, but so do you apparently and it is causing a conflict that you both must resolve.

Maybe backing away from him and letting him go through his "phase" and not reacting, but observe and evaluate his behavior, may bring you insights as how he acts and reacts to situations and things in his life. That means not taking things so personally, so you can be objective and see the facts for what they are.

You may find that the two of you don't communicate, or work that well together, before your even more emotionally invested. I suspect your in deeper than he is at this point, which is a not very equal relationship.

If your trying to understand and he is not meeting you half way, then its your choice to move forward, or not.

srulik86 · Jun 1, 2008, 06:55 AM

Are you my ex girlfriend? Haha. Its just I do what your boyfriend does, and I have lost lots of girls because of it. I can't explian, its like I do it because I want her to chase me and be all like 'whats up, wats wrong' and then we argue and then I'm all over and I'm like I'm sorry for being werid. I did it for the last time 3 weeks ago and she dumped me because she said I get like this all the time. It's a problem, I know I get it from my dad, he does the same. Its horrible, I don't know why I do it to the people I love and care about so much.

BoldRed · Jun 1, 2008, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by srulik86

are you my ex gf? haha. its just i do what your bf does, and i have lost lots of girls because of it. i can't explian, its like i do it coz i want her to chase me and be all like 'whats up, wats wrong' and then we argue and then im all over and im like im sorry for being werid. i did it for the last time 3 weeks ago and she dumped me coz she said i get like this all the time. its a problem, i know i get it from my dad, he does the same. its horrible, i dont know why i do it to the people i love and care about so much.

I used to think that this was it, he wanted more attention, but when he does go into these periods, he tears me apart when I do try to talk to him, and if I don't talk to him he never comes out of it. He'll say he doesn't love me, that he doesn't care about me, that I was never anything special to him, and that I might as well not waste my time with him.

And thanks to all the other posters, I can see what you mean.. maybe I should just let go, but I have invested a lot, and this guy really is the only one I have in my life (I have no family communications, and I don't have any friends because of a recent move)

talaniman · Jun 1, 2008, 07:50 PM

maybe I should just let go, but I have invested a lot,

The solution to your problem is not to invest more into this relationship, but less, a lot less as he has issues you can't cope with.

and this guy really is the only one I have in my life (I have no family communications, and I don't have any friends because of a recent move)

That's a sorry excuse to stay in a miserable relationship.

From what you've written your better off alone, and regrouping and meeting new people.

You do think you deserve to be happy don't you? Do you need a man to be happy?

BoldRed · Jun 1, 2008, 11:33 PM

I think you're right. We were just starting to plan a life out. How am I suppose to just end it. Just tell him it's over?

JBeaucaire · Jun 2, 2008, 09:53 AM

Love isn't enough. You two need to actually enhance each other's lives. You don't.

When you've made your decision, act on it. Quick, clean, cold, unapologetic. Always the best way.

And you can't help but hurt him over this, that has to be ignored. In the end, you both benefit.