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debbiew1984 · May 26, 2008, 12:19 PM

I was with my ex for 2.5 years. I am 24 and he is 26 Everything has been perfect we were engaged, but no date set yet. Very out the blue 3.5 months ago he dumps me because he wanted space. This came from no where, on the morning of the break up he paid of all our holidays we had booked for the rest of the year and booked us a holiday to go away at xmas. He went of to a family lunch and text me to say its over, I told him to come and say it to my face as after 2.5 years I deserve it.

He came over 20mins after our conversation crying loads saying he was sorry didn't love me any more hadn't loved me the last 2 weeks and wants space. I was shocked and said OK then bye, to be honest I didn't think he was serious. But from that moment I didn't chase, call or text I just vanished. He didn't contact me and blocked me on Facebook

Fast forward 10 weeks of no contact I bump into him outside his work, I think he had seen me coming because he was standing there looking red. As soon as I started talking to him he starts crying again, asking me if I was OK, where had I been am I still working at the same place and my car had been seen in differenct places you sure I'm OK. I said yes I'm fine. He was crying more than ever by this point. He said he didn't mean what he said that night we finished he takes it all back and just wanted space, which he got and he repsects me for it. He also said he had thought about me everyday since and still has feelings and wants to try again slowly seeing each other a few nights a week, I agreed but said we had to meet up to talk proprly. 2 days after he texts me saying he can't get into a relationship his head not clear and doesn't want to hurt me again like he has done already. So I'm back to the No contact!

2 weeks later he bumps into my sister he starts crying again to her saying he doesn't no what's wrong with him he still loves me and that his head isn't clear and still wants space.

Do I have much chance in him coming back if I keep giving him his space?

He has lost lots of weight and has let himself go. I love him so much but don't want to start contacting him after being silent for so long. For a man to cry in public something is not right.

Any advice would be helpful!

debbiew1984 · May 26, 2008, 12:49 PM

I did ask him when I saw him why his head wasn't clear he said he didn't know, he was crying loads so it was hard to get information out of him. But he did say he didn't mean what he said when he broke up with me, takes it all back with that I take it that he didn't mean he doesn't love me.

For a grown man to cry outside his place of work there are issues but what I don't know I don't want to start contacting him and invading his space.

Its just confussing.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 12:49 PM

Hi Debbie..

You do not accept Private Messages, and I was going to shortly respond there, but since I can't.. here are a few questions.

It is possible that he might be ill and too proud to let you know? This could be one reason for the break, his weight-loss, and then crying when he sees you.

Has his life changed in any way otherwise, i.e. was he in the military or in a gang or has he changed jobs lately?

Maybe he thinks he needs to protect you from something he thinks is so bad that it would make you hate him.

I know that the time you were together is a long time and you both should have been able to communicate about anything under the sun, but some men are raised to keep their 'serious' problems to themselves in order to be a 'man' and he just might be torn up with these emotions at this time.

If you want closure and reassurance for yourself and any of these possibilities sound valid, you need to talk to him and get it straight. Then, based upon his response, you can go on and start living your life accordingly.

So, for your own good, don't leave things undone as they will only prevent you from going on and making future plans without any doubts. It's not about him now, it's for your peace of mind.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

debbiew1984 · May 26, 2008, 01:01 PM

Hiya

He started a new job about 6 months before the break up, he was given more work to do which was worrying him as it was usually the directors job to do!

But apart from that everything was normal, we had no problems that I was aware of, still saw him the same he wasn't distant, it is very confussing. But I don't want to start contacting him now after so long.

I only bumped into him by chance and I don't think that will happen for a long time yet

debbiew1984 · May 26, 2008, 01:49 PM

I didn't think of the illness thing either, your right thou. Maybe it could be some sort of break down? Who knows. But I know there is no one else , its just space he needs. Ts just worrying 3.5 months on he still doesn't know. Ill find out somehow.

Thank you both for your help and input its has made me think a lot more! Xx

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 01:57 PM

Don't waste time assuming what he is going through, as he didn't just come up with this break up stuff, its been on his mind a while, and he gave it some thought before he acted. He has made no attempt to contact you, and he would if he wanted to, so I would advise you to continue to leave him alone, and focus on your own happiness, and let him do the same. I think these random meetings, have you thinking of him, but take it no further than that.

debbiew1984 · May 26, 2008, 02:15 PM

Why did he cry when he saw me and then when he saw my sister? And if it was on his mind why waste money booking holidays for the future, none if it makes sense.

I am grateful for the advice, but if it is true what you are saying his actions don't add up.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 02:31 PM

It's obvious that something drastic has changed him and also that you have unanswered doubts. I just looked at things from different perspectives. What you do with your doubts and feelings is up to you dear.

Good luck. I hope that you do get peace of mind - for YOU!

Homegirl 50 · May 26, 2008, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by debbiew1984

Why did he cry when he saw me and then when he saw my sister? And if it was on his mind why waste money booking holidays for the future, none if it makes sense.

I am grateful for the advice, but if it is true what u r saying his actions dont add up.

Guilt can be a powerful incentive to do a lot of things. I know you have a lot of unanswered questions, but if he is not man enough or cares enough to come clean with you, I advise you to get on with your life. You cannot stay in limbo because he won't tell you what has happened.
He has not contacted you, has seen you on accident. I think you should leave him alone.

debbiew1984 · May 27, 2008, 12:16 AM

If I do bump into by chance again, shall I just walk by, be polite just say hi or have a convrsation like I did last night because if the crying starts it won't help me. I care so much for him but you are right I should leave him alone. He is either ill or guilty.

Homegirl 50 · May 27, 2008, 07:07 AM

Originally Posted by debbiew1984

if i do bump into by chance again, shall i just walk by, be polite just say hi or have a convrsation like i did last night cos if the crying starts it wont help me. I care so much for him but you are right i should leave him alone. he is either ill or guilty.

You say hello and move on. There is no need to subject yourself to his tears if the only time he wants to talk and cry is if you accidentally run into him.
I wish you well.

brian1231 · May 27, 2008, 08:13 AM

Debbie,

Your BU seems eerily similar to mine

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-209106.html

There are some things we cannot/will never know. Maybe there was another girl? Has he been in therapy. I know this doesn't help much, but the best thing for you to do is to move on the best you can. Don't let yourself be drawn into his dysfunctional life. If he is sick or whatever HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOU. You were engaged. You should have stayed together through thick and thin.

Regardless of what was wrong, when 2 people love each other, they stay together. If he was suffering through depression/illness etc... shouldn't that have made him want more support?

My ex tried the "I love you but my psyc said I cannot be in a relationship right now." I fell for it for quite a while. Heck, its been 2.5 months and it still bothers me. It made the healing process take that much longer.

Move on, live life for you and the BU was a blessing. NC is the best here.

debbiew1984 · May 27, 2008, 01:27 PM

Your right brian, thank you. I am going to continue doing NC. I still care for him loads I will do he was my life and was meant to be here for the future. But for whatever reason he decided to walk away.

I hope yours works out the way you want it to, and hope in time we can both be happy xx

Chery · May 27, 2008, 03:40 PM

No matter how long it takes for you to get over it and heal, you know we will be here for you through those rough stages.

Good luck dear and speedy recovery.

brian1231 · May 28, 2008, 03:41 AM

Originally Posted by debbiew1984

your right brian, thank you. i am going to continue doing NC. i still care for him loads i will do he was my life and was meant to be here for the future. but for whatever reason he decided to walk away.

I hope yours works out the way u want it to, and hope in time we can both be happy xx

Thank you. A healthy relationship exists when two emotionally healthy people come together and love each other and support each other. If this guy went off the deep end like he did, he is not emotionally healthy. Period. My ex is not emotionally healthy. Period. You and I were playing the supporter role. We did everything for them, and in reality, they gave us little. Even through all the support we gave them, they still chose to walk away. For whatever reason.

We did everything we could do, it is their loss. It took me a while to come to that conclusion. I stopped trying to figure out why she left, and now I am trying to figure out why I stayed.

debbiew1984 · May 29, 2008, 12:03 PM

Well I feel worse than ever now, I feel that he has fed me aload of bull****.

Just been on Facebook, the worst invention ever if you ask me and there are all photos of him having a laugh, looking happy and he has written on our friends wall, ill be there sat rarring for the beers!

So him looking rough is properly him hungover. So them tears mean nothing to me, if he was that down he wouldn't be looking happy would he or am I reading too much into it?

I just wish I could go back to this time last year and be happy with him, but got to face facts ill never be happy with him again.

mrchef1110 · May 29, 2008, 12:09 PM

You are reading too much into it. He seems to be trying to get on with his life while you are stewing on the fact that he is having fun without you. He probably still feels very hurt inside but that's how people deal with loss. He is out with his friends he is supposed to be having a good time.

You are hanging onto the fact that this was the penultimate relationship for you. It wasn't. I know that is kind of harsh however first thing is first get off face book and go have fun with your friends. It is amazing at the power that they have to get your head into the right place to see clearly without all of the emotional clouding that has clouded your vision.

debbiew1984 · May 29, 2008, 12:17 PM

I am reading too much into it, your right. I do go out with my friends have a ggod night I even stopped drinking as I know I will break the no contact.

It just hurts me that he is having fun looks to be having fun, but then with people he speaks to that are connected to me he breaks down. Never thought it would come to this

debbiew1984 · May 31, 2008, 07:48 AM

A update on my situtation, it is me being silly I know but I need to get it of my chest

Basically my bro in law went to the pub last night and saw my ex boyfriend. My ex has never gone to that pub before so I was shocked and he was with someone I didn't know.

My sister then rings up her husband who is with my ex and passes the phone to him. The ex is chatting to my sister saying I'm surprised you lot don't hate me I was scared to come in here tonight because I thought I would get set on, and I am sorry for what's happened. He then asked if I was OK and how was my nan.

I just feel sick that he was out, in a place he never been to and if he was that scared of it why go in, and why say sorry to my sister and bro in law and ask aout me if he doesn't want to be with me. Why can't he speak to me about this?

It hurts that I spent 2.5 years with this man planned to marry him and he can't even face me.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2008, 10:23 AM

This guy probably left you because he either found someone else or decided you are not who he wants to marry and didn't have the balls to tell you himself. He can't speak to you because he does not know what to say, he did you dirty and does not have the integrity to tell you he is sorry to your face.
I know this hurts, it will for a while, but it is better this happened now than after a marriage. You will be fine. Be glad he is gone. He is a weak and selfish man, not good enough for you.