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paula99 · May 23, 2008, 03:01 AM

Currently 20, boyfriend 22, been together 10 months. Everything great, if not perfect except ONE thing... Going out!

Basically if he is out with his mates (drinking may I add) then I get worried. I am a worrier and I worry he will find a prettier girl, or get too drunk to know what he is doing, the general worries to be honest

If I am out, he does not like it, in case lads come on to me.

The difference between him and me is that I DO NOT really look at other lads, if they come on to me, I simply walk off and ignore them, I always wear a ring on my wedding finger and if people try anything on, I tell them I am engaged and in love. I know I can be trusted I know I am 150% loyal and would never ever cheat.

I understand he could feel the same, but in the past when he was at university, he kissed two other girls, whilst he was in a serios relationship, with his first girlfriend. We also went on a break after 1 month together and that night he went out and kissed another girl, so I feel I have reason to doubt trust. He is also a TYPICAL lad, he does look (or window shop, as he calls it) at other girls, so he may well find someone her prefers the look of. He says he is happy with me and would not want anyone else, but there is always that element of doubt in my mind.

I understand this is basically about trust, but I do feel I can trust him, I just do not like him being out in town, drinking, surrounded by girls, as he is the same with me, its causes arguments every weekend, as I rarely go out, he is out every weekend.

Basically I do not want to break up with him, we do really love each otherm as I said everything is perfect except this one issue.

Does anyone else experience this?
Can anyone suggest how we can work it out?

ihatewestseneca · May 23, 2008, 03:23 AM

That's just part of the risk of being in a relationship... my ex said things that you said all the time, that she is 150% loyal and whatnot, then she went away to college, and soon after left me for another guy after 2 years together. It seemed as soon as I really, truthfully trusted her, is when she became unfaithful... I would believe that she didn't physically cheat on me, but she def. emotionally cheated... kind of the same thing in my book.

Anyway, I think you have 2 choices.
A.) tell him that you don't like it when he goes out and that he shouldn't go anymore
B.) trust him to make the right choices, if he really loves you then you should have nothing to worry about.

If you go with A you'll probably end up making him feel trapped. Jealousy is totally normal, but after time, it just goes away... if you stay with him for awhile longer you'll see that you won't care if he looks at other girls, he is with you. And that's what you'll respect about him.

Tuscany · May 23, 2008, 04:15 AM

I have to admit that I get nervous when my hubby goes out, not because of the girls, but because of the driving home. They usually have a DD when the boys go out or they take a limo, but still it drives me mad.

However, trust is a big part of the relationship and although you both say you trust one another, your actions (and his) speak otherwise. I think you need to communicate how you are feeling to one another, but listen to each other. Try to figure how you can compromise to where you are both happy.

I believe that every relationship needs to have alone time. Time where the "wife" can go out with the gals and time that the "husband" can go out with the boys. Down time if you will.

bigbird213 · May 23, 2008, 04:31 AM

Paula,

Might I add that you sound a little insecure. You worry about your boyfriend finding someone that he likes the looks of more. You need to understand that a relationship is about much more than looks. If all he is interested in is looks, other problems are bound to come up anyway.

Have a little trust in him, just like he trusts you. Without trust, you guys don't have anything.

talaniman · May 23, 2008, 06:17 AM

surrounded by girls, as he is the same with me, its causes arguments every weekend, as I rarely go out, he is out every weekend.

Please let it go as this is your own issue to overcome. Your insecurity is causing arguments and is not doing anything but causing conflict. It's a matter of time before he gets tired of it. 10 months is not enough real time to have cemented a strong bond with him, but this insecurity thing has to be addressed and eliminated, by you ASAP. Counseling??

paula99 · May 23, 2008, 07:56 AM

I am insecure, I have been to counselling it does not work, I know 10 months is not that long but I am so madly in love, all I can think of when he is out is what if I loose him. It's a fear I cannot deal with, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me sick. I just find it really hard being a Sunday to Wednesday girl, as he usually goes out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night and he gets absolutely wasted. He then tells me he will cut down, and it lasts a week and he's back to being legless again.

I can see all your points of view though, so thank you.

jolienoire · May 23, 2008, 08:12 AM

Its good that you are seeing counseling, it may not be working, because you are not allowing it too. Your fear of rejection is giving you a damper on yourself esteem. Often times when our self-esteem is low so is our vulnerability and we begin to accept behavior from our partner that we wouldn't accept with fear of being lonely or rejected. If we can put as much as we do into our relationships as much as we put into ourselves than we will realize that no one can ever love us as much as we love ourselves.. Then we can build or self-esteem, as far as rejection and disappointments, that is something that is inevitable, No matter how hard you can try to prevent it if it happens it will happen, but don't contribute to it by being insecure, it may just speed up the process. I know it sounds easier said then done, but once you realize how great you are and allow him to see how lucky he is then you can feel confident. If you are doing all that you are suppose to then why beat yourself up over whether he stays with you. If he doesn't and you gave all that you can then maybe he isn't the one for you. If he can't give you the time you are asking for and rather much spend it getting wasted, how about the time you are not with him you do something productive to keep busy. Don't always be available let him know that you also have things to do. If he loves and misses you he will come around. Again try to work on yourself. Find out what is making you insecure.

paula99 · May 24, 2008, 03:45 AM

I will give you the scenario of the past two days (bare in mind, this is the worst thing we have come across in our time together so far)

Thursday about 5pm: I received a text saying, lets have a break from each other tonight.
I later discovered that he was out with his mates, drinking. Caused a fall out between us, as he told me he was not drinking, when he was.
Friday: We were supposed to be on a day out together, I waited and waited and waited. Never heard all day! Went on his Facebook, it said single. I then gave in and texted him, asking him what was going on, he said he need a breather from me. I asked if he was out, he changed the subject, I kept asking, and again he denied it by changing the subject. I presumed he was out, so I sent a message and said enjoy your night. He told me he was with no-one. I then received a text at 4.30am telling me he was home.

This has happened about 7 times were he denys it by ignoring my questions, this is why I doubt trust in him.

He cannot understand this!

talaniman · May 24, 2008, 04:27 AM

If he does this every week end, and will not change why are you still going along with it? He is not ready for what you want, and you can't make him. Trying to make him change is futile, and leads to conflict.

JBeaucaire · May 24, 2008, 09:15 AM

You're questions are a form of attack. You already know the answers, and when he doesn't say what you believe, you tell him you don't believe. Blah blah... he already knows he can't win with you on this and lies when you ask him to avoid the argument as long as he can... and also to try and ease some of your pain over it.

Yes, he lies to spare you pain. Funny, isn't it? Anyway, I know this whole thing is unaccepable to you, right?

"I love you, now please stop doing what you like and enjoy and assuage my irrational and so far unfounded fears." That's your message to him. He won't put up with that for long.

I'm not sure I agree this is a trust issue. I think this is a "I don't believe I'm woman enough to keep a man" issue. It's a doubt in your own self-esteem.

I say that because even if he DID cheat, a woman with good self-esteem would simply move on from the proven cheater to the next guy in her continued quest for a soulmate. But the low self-esteem woman can't even enjoy the relationship she's in when nothings' gone wrong yet.

That sounds like what is going on here.