[loverman]

Here's the deal.. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months now.. she has been contacting her ex a lot.. That is supposed to be her 'EX', right? She told me that he cheated on her and then they broke up.. not really broke up.. I feel like she is not over him because just before we got together, her ex was here and she slept with him. I know I did not have the right but I asked her why she did it and she said she wanted to see if she was in love with him and found out that she is not in love with him any more.. She knows that I have a big jealousy problem with her contacting her ex but she is saying that she does not see any problem with it since they have been long friends, like around 7 years.. that guy was sending her weird messages, which she says are over now, just before we got together so I'm pretty sure that he is not over her..

Other day she told me that her ex is going to be in US in around December and asked me if it is OK if she would go see him.. I cannot believe that she is saying that to me.. anyway..

Another things is that she keeps the things he bought for him around in her house.. she knows that I do not like to see those but she keeps them around.. I asked her what she would do if she was in my situation but she just says that she DOES NOT KNOW.. she tells me that she loves me and things but I sometimes feel like I am being used because I have done I am doing lots of things for her..

My problem is this: She does not want to see that this is a problem for me and does not want to take action about it.. she is acting like she does not care about my feelings.. I think this stupid situation is becoming pathological for our relationship. I hate to hurt her and I love her but I do not know what to do and need to talk to somebody..

[asking]

I don't blame you for feeling jealous, Loverman. I know a lot of people nowadays are pretty relaxed about this stuff, but I'm more old fashioned. I think since she asked if it was okay for her to see him you should say that it's not alright--that it makes you feel insecure and anxious about her love for you. I think you should also ask her to honor your feelings and stop corresponding with this man and put away his keepsakes for now so that you don't have to look at them all the time. Even if the two of them are not harboring romantic feelings for one another, you have a right to her focused attention right now when you are trying to build a trusting relationship. How can you ever learn to trust her if it feels like she has a someone else waiting? It's like you have to be perfect or she'll go him. You can't live like that. And you can't be yourself with this implicit threat hanging over you.

If she insists on seeing him or refuses to let the friendship cool off, it may be that she is using you. It sounds very painful to me. But remember you don't know what is in her mind. It's possible she wants you but wants to keep his friendship too (but doesn't want him as a lover). But I think she's asking a lot of you.