[jj240]

Hi Guys where do I start - this is the first time I have posted to a board - but I really feel as though Im going insane.
In a nutshell I have been with my partner for 4 and a half years. We lived together in a flat and bought a house together in August 2007 (its now May 2008). As far as I'm concerned we had a noral relationship - yes it was not always rosy and we had our ups and downs but nothing major, however the last few weeks I realised that we were getting more distant. I had been out for a friends birthday on Monday and when I came in I could tell he was not happy - I had had a few drinks and let my mouth go "it obvious we are not hapy, should we have a break etc etc" I slept in the spare room - and when I woke up in the morning - I realised that we were being stupid - I still loved him so why are we being silly - I tried to talk to hime and say that I had been daft and that I loved him but he has said that I have opened a can of worms and that he actually thinks... sorry scrath that... knows he doesn't love me anymore. I did the stupid girly thing... and pleaded with him to give things a go to which he said - his head was a mess - but if I gave him some space he would think about things... but he said he didn't want me to build my hopes up! Obviously that didn't sound promising so I must admit - I went on and on until I got a decision from him. The decision was " well I don't think I love you the way I used to and I can't see a future with us together. He wants to be amicable and fortunate for the time we have spent -- but t be honest Im just soooo confused/upset and probably in denial. I was really secure in my relationship and did not see this coming at all - all my family are shocked too. I want to be strong - and I know that I'm wworth more than trying to beg someone to stay with me... but it hurts like hell... how the hell do you deal with this? I suppose its like a bereavement - but you don't even have the comfort that you are loved etc - because someone is actually recjecting you. I know others robably have worse problems than this... I know people break up every day, but I really didn't think this was going to happen. Im also angry as he seems to be coping and dealing with everything fine - yet I'm going nuts! One min - Im fine and think I can deal with it - the next Im a crying stupid wreck... how do we deal with this? How do you get over someone? I don't want advice that tells me to be strong and you may win them back - I know thisis not going to happen - but I would love to know how anyone gets through this period?

[Ash123]

Yep.

It's hell on earth....


There is hope though -

(You might want to peak at my survival guide quickly to get your bearings)

The initial stages of a break up are so traumatizing that we must force ourselves into detox and yes, isolation. As harsh as that sounds, the pain does not begin to subside until we isolate ourselves from the source.

You sound like you would like some concrete lifeline plans so in addition to the guide (read asap) you need to get a calendar. Write short summaries of how you feel in the day boxes. Expect this exercise to last at least a month for every year you dated (roughly 4 1/2 months in detox time MINIMUM). Any contact puts you back at day 1, so make sure you say and do all you feel is necessary with you r Ex before you start. Note: it will get better along the way - but timimg varies... So time to start is as soon as you can.


(Double the time if married or cheated on - so, in that regard you are ahead! :-)


It gets worse before it gets better, but the break-through monent occurs one day when you look at the boxes and see the adjectives etc. are less or maybe just not the same.

You will need friends and family to help you stay on course. This will all seem clearer (your relationship) after detox. (Your bosy and mind will literally have withdrawl symptoms from your routine and partner - that is normal. It needs to learn a new routine and new STIMULI)

Come here as often as you need.

With you -

A

[gg23]

Hey JJ! Sorry to hear this. I just recently went through exactly the same thing. Out of the blue my girl just became distant and before I knew it, she wanted to break up. It so weird cause you think that you are doing good, then all of a sudden the unavoidable happens. The want to be friend thing is exactly what I was told, so my situation is very similar to yours and like you it lead me to this site. I want you to know about my story so that you know at least that you are not the only one going through it! There many of us going through similar situation. I never thought that this was going to happen, at least not this way! Never felt so helpless and lost, and I could not believe that this was happening, and really just at the moment I felt so sure about us. Its hard! I didn't know what to do, and like you, my family was in shock. It made me wonder if she was planing this for sometime. Oh well anyway. I also know what you mean when you say that you are worth enough to try to beg someone to stay. Although I was dying inside, I told her that I was OK with her decision. After all, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love, begging him to stay will only make you look needy and clingy, which is not attractive and would only delay the inevitable. It hurt like hell I know that too well. It's really one of the most difficult things I have gone through! I was so close to proposing to my now ex!! funny how things work huh? Better this happened it saves a lot of trouble... oh well I just wanted you to know that it was that serious!! how do you deal with this?. well I take it one day at the time. I cried like a **** at first, cause I felt(feel) cheated, used,violated and betrayed, yeah so cry if you have to, it's part of the healing process. Get closure and really do whatever you have to do to keep yourself together and to move on. The best revenge is move on and be happy as quickly as possible. Drag yourself if you have to, crawl from the ground if you have to. It gets easier. Embrace the pain, and don't suppress your feelings and emotions. Let them run their course. I promise you that it will be a very interesting ride, a roller coaster, full of ups and down, but embrace it, accept it, and try to move forward. Luckily, I have had a punching bag laying around that I now use everyday. I read non stop( that always get my mind off things), it worked for me to get me through past relationship, and the most important for me I think is keeping a journal... I have always kept one, and it really always stands the test of time and always prepares me for days like these. Also, you have to forgive. This has such a powerful thing I have come to realize. And be specific. Forgive him for pulling the rag from below you, betraying you etc... and also forgive yourself... learn the lesson, take sometime for yourself and just go NC. I think I talked to my ex twice, after that. That was because she came to pick up her stuff, and one day she caught me by surprise. Both those time I got even more confused after that, so I just decided to go No contact... take a weekend away, change your routine, move furniture around, get a hair cut, get some really nice lyrics and take life one day at the time, eat ice cream, treat yourself... I have decided to change my look, get new clothes and this weekend for a change of scenery, my friends and I are driving to NYC for the rest of the week... I wish you all the best and stay with family members. They are always there for you no matter what... good luck hon and hang in there... hope it helps... AND YEAH IT GETS BETTER!!

Life is what happens when you have something else planned
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the hills that has crushed it

[talaniman]

Click on the links in my signature, for some insights and suggestions, to moving on, and getting it together after a break up.

[JBeaucaire]

Sorry for your loss. Some honest introspection could make it a little easier.

• Your own message clearly shows it didn't happen all at once. You two were already drifting.
• 4 years is really too long to date uncommitted, so the boredom thing is perfectly understandable
• You're not confused, you're desparately sad. It's not the same thing. Don't give yourself an excuse to ignore facts over false confusion.
• He's being pretty smart not letting this be an angry break. Are you only going to be OK by hating him somehow?
• This is a total bereavement. It's almost as bad as a divorce as long as you've been together. It will take time. Take the time.
• Your feelings and memories are poised to hurt you more right now. You will have to suppress/distract them.

[jj240]

Hi Guys

Thanks for your replies - Im still not feeling any better - but know that it will get easier in time xx

[Ash123]

This is NOT easy... You are going to be in pain for a while.
So, as with any injury, do read the steps to healing. Look at my survival guide and listen to what's been said and then... tough it out as time helps just a little each day... it can be as slow as a glacier but one day - bing.. it really does happen.

[realsteve]

Sorry to hear this I had same prob not long ago so done some digging for my sealf as I was with my partner for 22 years and she just all of sudean up and left me and the 2 kids one min OK then just saide I'm leving you I got to make new life for my sealf but after looking around I think I found it its called midlife crises as she says she loves me but she is not in love with me and all the symptons are nealey the same hope this helps have a look for your sealf:)

[turtlegirl16]

The best thing to do is tell your partner how you feel and if you partner tells you how they feel, weather its bad or good and maybe work things out with each other.




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[blacberry]

I just recently split from my boyfriend. We dated for 5 years and lived together for a year. He told me he is not in love with me and sees no future for us. I moved out, I have my friends support and I'm seeking counseling to help me get past this. Its touch but I refuse to go back or beg and plead. Im worth so much more than that.

[Lcc2201]

Hi Guys

Thanks for your replies - I'm still not feeling any better - but know that it will get easier in time xx

You sound like someone I used to know :)