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Lilith07 · Jul 10, 2007, 05:55 PM

Today my partner finally told me after 3 years that he has love for me, but he doesn't love me like I love him.. that is with physical love. We've never had what you would call a highly active sex life, however, when I've questioned him he's always given an excuse. He says he finds me attractive and loves me, but feels guilty because he cannot offer me the physical expression of love that I need. Today after he told me all this, he said he's been denying it since we met, but that he would be upset if we separated because he loves me. I am confused, I suggested we have a sexless relationship (more as a test than anything), to which he agreed but I can't tell if he's still hedging around the truth which is that he simply doesn't want me.
I am devastated. I have a 6 year old daughter who loves him terribly and calls him Daddy, I think I could live in a non-physical relationship if it meant she would'nt be hurt by losing him. I can't think what to do, I do not understand how you can love someone, yet not express it physically. We sort of agreed to give the whole "sexless" relationship thing a go for a few months, but I can't see how this can help us move forward.

Synnen · Jul 10, 2007, 06:05 PM

I think you need to see a marriage counselor.

To be in a relationship rather implies that there is a physical relationship, and that the needs of both partners are being met.

There is something deeper going on here than just the fact that he is not physically drawn to you, and you need to figure out what it is before either of you can move forward.

depressedhelp · Jul 10, 2007, 06:15 PM

OK he doesn't love you physically so he doesn't love how you look? Or how your sex is that's not right its what's inside you that counts and if this contiues I do agree to go see a marriage councler.

Lilith07 · Jul 10, 2007, 06:31 PM

Thakyou for your comments, (sorry I don't know how to reply to you within your answer box.)
We have been to see a counsellor, and they suggested that he was suffering from depression, so he needed to see them alone. Sex has always been mechanical, perfunctory and rather broing for us. He is not turned on like other men I have been in relationships with, lingerie, etc do not work. He does look at pornography which I have banned from the house, it has made little difference. It simply seems as though he is not attracted to me at all. A lot of other men find me attractive, this is a new experience for me to be in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't like me like that.
He openly admits that he was cold towards his ex-wife as well, but that he loved her "like a wife/woman" and he loves me like a "person". She left him for another man, he was devastated, and had no further sexual relationships for 4 years until he met me.
I'm pretty resigned to the fact that I may never change this, but it's a hard thing to come to realise.

Xrayman · Jul 10, 2007, 07:00 PM

He is still damaged by the previous wife situation. Nothing wrong with you- I agree with most of the above posts-but if he does not want physical love and you do-then there is a huge issue for you and ultimately your marriage-the banning of porn may have also annoyed him psychically-although that's no real excuse by the way..

Counselling is the way I feel.