Check out some similar questions!

jiltedgirl · Apr 28, 2008, 08:44 AM

I met someone last week and he and I automatically clicked. He is the first person since the break up that I can actually see myself with. There are several problems, however.

First of all, one of my closest friends like him. She told me she liked him. Then, she told me she didn't like him anymore. She got angry when we had a connection last week and he and I kissed. She told me I should have been "able to pick up" on the fact that she was "still interested in him." Well, I obviously didn't. The thing is, we both don't really know this guy that well and I was ready to drop him if she really liked this guy that freakin much.. . That is, until I found out that while I connecting with said guy, she reacted very vengefully and involved my ex-bf. What was so disconcerting was the fact that I wasn't there, and I had to hear about it from a mutual friend who doesn't know my history about my ex. She always liked my ex-boyfriend, even while we were dating. She would get angry and jealous all the time. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt though. Everyone can see that she likes him more than a "brother" (and have even told me -_-), even though she denies it. I honestly told her I don't have a problem with her liking my ex/dating him though (anymore at least lol). I mean, we're over and broken up. It hurts a little bit, but what right do I have to get angry? What makes them both happy.

Anyway, so a love triangle has been established between the new guy, my friend, and I. The new guy likes me, I like him, but my friend likes him. I don't want to ruin my friendship with her, but this has been a recurring pattern; every time we meet a guy, and he shows any interest in me, she gets very territorial over him. She basically brands him as "hers" and is "protective" over them.

He kept asking to meet up, but I basically implied I couldn't really see him and thought I owed him an explanation, but I didn't want to implicate my friend. He figured it out and told me it wasn't my fault.

I wish I could get to know him better, but I don't know. My friend and I patched things up hastily last night, and I've always believed in the mentality that NO guy is worth breaking a friendship over. But is this a friendship that I want to keep?

What do you guys think? :confused:

poseidon · Apr 28, 2008, 10:01 AM

Hello Jiltedgirl,

This is a lengthy answer I know but please take the time to read it.

There is an old saying 'With friends like that, you don't NEED enemies'.

From what you have written, this girl is obviously not as caring toward you as you are to her. She also appears to be holding you back and if it was me I do feel that you should think very seriously about your continuing friendship toward her. I am sure you either have more loyal friends or there are more loyal friends available to you.

Although, I hate suggesting that you and your friend go your separate ways, in this case I do feel it is in your own interest to consider it seriously.

Reading between the lines I also feel that this friend appears very jealous toward you and also appears very possessive. What you have, she wants and she takes pleasure in trying to destroy your happiness.

One other thing. It makes no difference whether she likes this person or not. I am afraid I also have to say that neither does it make any difference whether you like him or not. It is he who will decide who he likes and who he wants to form a relationship with.

I don't consider it is in any way a love triangle.

My advice is to forget about what your 'friend' wants and if you want to form a relationship with this person, go for it. If you friend does not like it, I am sorry to say it but tough.

You like this guy, he likes you, there is no relationship between your friend and him so it is up to this guy and you to decide whether you are right for each other.

Although I am not suggesting that you should say things to bring your friend down, if she is trying to do this to you, you have every right to defend yourself and fight fire with fire.

Your friend should be made to realise that it is your life, not hers and if this guy wants to see you it is for you and him to decide what to do about it.

Your ex is your ex and you have got over that particular relationship and want to move on.

To be honest I feel your friend is being very immature and childish. If she was a good friend of yours and she knows that this guy prefers your company to hers, she should be happy for you.

Another impression I am getting about your friend is that she does not appear to be able to get a boyfriend of her own and because of this does not like it when you can and she does everything she can to spoil it.

Hypothetically speaking, I have the impression that if your friend did get together with the guy you are interested in, it would not last long because she possibly wants him only because you do and once she has him, she will tire of him very quickly and jilt him as she has done what she wanted to do, prevent you and him from getting together.

If your friend likes your ex that much and if he is still not in a relationship, why does she not try to get together with him.

The very best of luck to you and I sincerely hope things turn out well.

Cy
(Poseidon)

chuff · Apr 28, 2008, 03:48 PM

I'm wondering if you like this guy as much as you say you do, or just enough to "get back" at your friend for liking you ex-boyfriend. I'd say try to give this some time and see what devolps, don't just jump into something and if works out fine but be cautious that your really interested in him and not the drama this situation is obviously creating for you.

N0help4u · Apr 28, 2008, 04:27 PM

Forget your so called friend. If she were really your friend she would not be after any boyfriend you get. You say there is a problem because you both like this guy BUT what is the problem if he has no interest in her! That is the issue because even if you did dump him so she could be with him I doubt he would want to be with her anyway so what would be the point?
You need to have a serious talk with your new boyfriend and tell him that you do not want her to come between you and him with whatever she tries pulling. If she were your friend she wouldn't be undermining you and sabotaging you.
I don't think you are the one looking for drama. She is because she is jealous and any guy worth being with would not be interested in somebody that plays these games anyway so
Don't give into her.

jiltedgirl · Apr 28, 2008, 05:35 PM

Thank you for all your input!

I've thought about it and as much as I like him, I don't think I should pursue a relationship with him. True, like I said, he figured out that my friend likes him and told me it was her fault; she should have done something about it first. However, I think a relationship with him will only complicate my life, and I will be the one who has to deal with the consequences, not him.

I think I'm going to create some distance between my friend and I. I'm not saying we can't be friends, but you're right. I'm not sure I want to try and stay close friends with her when I have to constantly tiptoe on eggshells around her. School is going to end soon, so that will facilitate some distance. For the same reason, I don't think I should try to start anything with the guy anyway.

He's quite popular and has more than one girl who has a crush on him. I'm sure he can find someone else to preoccupy his time.

I've also noticed that as he tries to get closer to me, I can't help but run the other way not only because of my friend, but because I am honestly afraid of getting hurt again. I still am experiencing the lingering effects from the last break up. I'm afraid of opening up to anyone again. I may have gotten over the ex, I think but I still have some trust issues to deal with.

N0help4u · Apr 28, 2008, 05:42 PM

I think that not only does your friend make you feel like you are walking on eggshells but also the more you give in to her the more you feed her jealousy of you and the more she will feel she can control you. I am not sure it is a good idea for you to give up on your boyfriend, if he happened to be 'the right guy' for you you could be passing up something right and good.
Maybe cool it with him a little but I wouldn't break up unless I was sure it wasn't going anywhere anyway.You can't let being hurt hold you back or it could hold you back for good.

jiltedgirl · Apr 29, 2008, 12:01 AM

Well, he's insisted on visiting me tomorrow, but I feel anxious. I'm afraid that he'll run into mutual friends and they'll tell my friend, who has the crush oh him, about it.

I've decided that I'm going to cancel on him and tell him the truth: I want to get to know him better, but I don't want to hurt my friend, who is (insert: overly) sensitive. The truth is that even meeting him as just friends and keeping things platonic would hurt her. I bet he's not that interested in me anyway. I'm probably just an infatuation. Lol.

It's not like we're even dating/in a relationship anyway so I might as well take preemptive measures before anyone gets hurt. I know that my friend hasn't shown me any gratitude and she's not really worth the consideration that I'm giving her, but I don't want to hurt her, even though she has hurt me. :T

talaniman · Apr 29, 2008, 11:54 PM

that NO guy is worth breaking a friendship over. But is this a friendship that I want to keep?

I figured you to be to smart for the drama and games, and I am right.

jiltedgirl · Apr 30, 2008, 04:32 AM

Well, it looks like I'm not that smart, tal. I tried cancelling on him, explaining that I had a lot of work and that I honestly didn't feel right, what with my friend and everything. He told me that he had already bought chicken soup (I'm sick right now) for me, my friend was too late, and that he was coming over no matter what. Then, he called me to tell me that he was already on his way.

I enjoyed his company here. He is absolutely hilarious and brilliant. But, with school ending soon, I (and I'm sure he) just want to have fun. I think I am going to talk to my friend anyway. I don't plan on making this into a relationship, but I think she should know that there would be nothing wrong if I had decided to do so.

The point being that there really isn't a reason why I should feel guilty about anything.

ihatewestseneca · Apr 30, 2008, 08:19 AM

I'm sorry jilted but this sounds like typical high-school-girl drama. I don't remember how old you are or if you even mentioned it, but I don't picture you in high school (maybe you are, I dunno). This girl needs to grow up, if she hasn't made a move but likes him so much, what the crap? Its not your fault and I don't see how you could know that she likes him. I would say go for it... if she has a problem she isn't really your friend... I remember my friend dated my ex before my ex went out with me, and he knew that I liked her, but did it anyway... I bit my tongue and said I was happy for him, because that's what friends do... although they only lasted 2 months I think and then I started hanging out with her shortly after, then 5 months later we were dating... I told my friend and he was respectful and said he didn't have a problem with it... we're still good friends, we go golfing, lunch, good times.

This girl needs to accept that she can't claim things that aren't hers, so if she freaks out when you start dating this guy I would say cut her loose, there's plenty of nice people out there to be friends with instead of some immature girl who likes to start drama.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

jiltedgirl · May 5, 2008, 08:44 AM

I'm sorry to revive this thread, but I guess I need more advice. I came clean to my friend this past weekend. She said she was happy for me so I took her word for it. Then, her sister called me to b**ch me out.

I've realized that the friendship with her and her sister are over. She stepped out of line. Putting that behind me, I started dating the new guy. I basically spent all week with him and am starting to open up little by little. To be honest, I'm petrified. I'm liking him more and more. At the same time, I keep thinking we're doomed and that he will lose interest in me and stop being this great guy once the honeymoon stage is over. I played detached/indifferent in the beginning (because I could), but now I find myself returning his affection and it's freaking me out. Also, I feel as though we are moving really quickly.

And I have a confession to make. I think about the ex when I'm with the new guy. He's so much better than my ex, but I can't help it. I don't know why I keep thinking about the ex when I haven't though of him in so long (other than the episode with the friend)! At first, I got sad because certain actions of the new guy reminded me of my ex's behavior. Now I increasingly find myself forgetting how the ex used to hold my hand, play with my hair, etc and I have to admit, it's making me a bit withdrawn when I'm around the new guy, which I don't want to be.

poseidon · May 5, 2008, 10:58 AM

Hello again Jilted Girl,

There is obviously something you and the one you are 'dating' at the moment see in each other. So don't worry too much whether you and your friend do end up going your own ways.

I am sorry but I do not feel she was much of a friend anyway and I feel sure you can do better.

If she starts trying to turn this guy against you, I would not worry too much about that either. You have been seeing him for a few days now and he has been able to form some an opinion about you, as you have him.

He is still quite happy for you to continue to see each other so I doubt that anything your friend (or ex friend) could say will change that.

If you and your ex dated for quite a while it will take time for all the feelings you had for him to fade into a distant memory, but you have sort of answered this part of your question yourself. You say the one you are dating now is much better than your ex, so just concentrate on your relationship with him.

Don't clam up when you are around him, relax and be yourself, he obviously likes you because of you and vice versa.

You and he are really the only ones that matter in this relationship, not your ex, your friend or her sister, so try to relax when you are with him and let nature take its course. He may be destined to be the love of your life. Only time will tell.

Poseidon

talaniman · May 5, 2008, 05:05 PM

Hey jilted, how can I put this, STOP THINKING SO FREAKIN' MUCH, AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, AND ENJOY YOURSELF. Get what I'm saying?

jiltedgirl · May 5, 2008, 05:27 PM

Hahahaha. Me? Think too much?? Blasphemy. ;)
Then again, if I didn't think so much, I probably wouldn't be on this forum. Er- like everyone else... lolol.

Will try, tal. :D

linsey_kayy · May 5, 2008, 06:24 PM

OK here is what I think. First off, I think that if you like each other then you need to go for it. Second, if your friend can't handle you getting with this guy then she really isn't a good friend (not to be mean but that's just what I see). So in order to work things out with this guy AND your friend, you first need to sit down with your friend and tell her what is going through your head and she should do the same for you. She needs to get over this guy and find another one. You said that you both don't know him that well so why get that attatched? If she is a good friend she will be happy that you found a cool guy and move on. But having a mature conversation with her is what really needs to happen so you can work all these problems out.