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Ineedhelp1 · Apr 10, 2008, 12:34 PM

My husband had a "relationship" with another woman a few months ago. He works with her and she was engaged to another man. We were having some problems at the time but things are better now, except this drives me crazy. He claims that it was never sexual, but admits that she tells him she is attracted to him. I found out by finding out that they were exchanging calls on his cell phone everyday, and averaging 8-10 calls-as many as 15! He was showing all of the classic signs of a cheating husband (being very protective of his cell phone, more defensive when I asked him about his calls or his time away, shutting down his computer when I got close etc). I caught him in more than one lie and finally did some searching on the internet and also installed software on his computer so I could see what was going on. I intercepted several instant messages with damaging messages from her, such as; "You make my heart melt", I miss our phone calls late at night in bed" (he says that this was when he would talk to her from our home when I was taking our son to his fencing training) and one encouraging him to "move on, and start to live the life you deserve!" The one thing that saved him was the fact that he never answered these messages. He told her he wanted to make things with with me and finally asked her to stop calling him. As best I can tell, she has, but she is still sending him emails (mainly just those chain-mail type gushy-type emails about relationships and sending to the important people in your life). He claims that they do not talk at work, but he has lied to me in the past about her and it just drives me nuts that he sees her everyday and I believe that she is still trying. He has found a new job but will not start that for another couple of months. I would like to talk to her personally, but I know that she will tell him about it and he still likes to say they were just friends and she is a "good person" so I know this would upset him. Any suggestions, anyone?

N0help4u · Apr 10, 2008, 03:44 PM

She may be pursuing him wanting more and he just liked the attention but did nothing incriminating. I would give him the benefit of the doubt unless you can come up with unaccounted times he snuck away with no explanation. Seems to me from what you say she was too busy on the phone, emails and I-M's to have any REAL 'quality time' with him.
AND you did say you found his messages that said he wanted to make it work with you and he didn't reply to her. SO I think just let it go and trust him.

Ineedhelp1 · Apr 10, 2008, 04:23 PM

Not recently. He did, right after he said that he would tell her to stop calling, see her on a weekend. I knew this because he got a message from her saying "thank you spending time with me today" and he had told me he was going to hit golf balls. He said later that he did and then went and had lunch with her. But, he had already said he would put a stop to it and then immediately lies to me to spend time with her. It is not as if he needed to spend time with her on his day off since he sees her at work. Trust is a huge issue for me here. And I did not see any messages saying that he wanted to work it out with me-he just told me he had told her that. And he would go out "for a beer with his friends at work" and hang out with her there. And he works as a bus driver as does she, so there is a lot of down time between runs and the drivers just hang and get something to eat, play cards or whatever where they could be running around during the day and I would have no way of knowing it.

N0help4u · Apr 11, 2008, 02:58 PM

Oh I didn't realize he was seeing her outside of work. I thought you meant you saw a message saying he wants to work it out.
I agree his down time and bar time should be more than sufficient if he is not 'seeing' her.
Going out on his day off to spend time with her is going to give the message for her to keep after him. I don't know how far I would trust him either!

Fr_Chuck · Apr 11, 2008, 03:26 PM

If he lied about going to golf, he is still not being honest with you, he should have told you, and there is no reason to meet her to tell her anything, he can call her right in front of you and tell her everything he has to.

Can you live without his income for a couple months, he needs to get out of that work area, not see her any more at all.

NowWhat · Apr 11, 2008, 03:46 PM

I have been in your shoes. Not a fun place to be.

If you talk to her - tell him. Of course she is going to tell him. And so what! Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Are you going to be bullied in to submission? Afraid you will upset him? He is the one that lied to you. He is the one that - if nothing else - had an emotional affair.

If you feel like he is working on your marriage and giving it 100% and she isn't allowing that to happen (or hindering it) then talk to her.
Make sure that if you do talk to her - you keep it non threatening. She isn't worth going to jail over.

Good Luck.