[losingit77]

So, you can read my other post "BF afraid to committ" for the back story, but I just messed up big time! After, the "I love you" text message he sent me a couple of days ago, I did good and didn't respond. I was feeling really good and then today I just started feeling down again and those love songs on the radio don't help! So, in a moment of weakness I text him and say "can we talk about this?"... aahh! Why did I do that?? So, he responds and says "sure, some time this weekend"... so I text and say, "ok i'll call you this weekend" and he says.. "cool". Aagh! Now what do I do??

See in this break up I feel responsible since I was the one who actually said, "let's break up". He was upset but agreed... But then I thought our issues could be worked through. But now he's saying he "loves me but can't be in a relationship". I'm just feeling like the bad guy. I think our problems could be worked out but only if we're both willing to work at them, and if I'm the only willing to work than it can't work.

I don't know if I should try to gain some of dignity back and meet up with him this weekend to try to provide my final thoughts in a calm and concise manner without crying, yelling, etc... and to let him know that I'm willing to work at it but if he's not I accept that but he cannot treat me like a yo-yo when he realizes he wants a relationship and try to come back in a couple of weeks (which has occurred in the past). Or do I retain whatever dignity I have left, and just not even bother calling him this weekend to meet up? I'm trying to figure out what's best for me. I don't know if it's the "closing conversation" I need or if I should just let it go and not talk to him.

Give it to me, Tal.

[nkychic]

99% of the time I say that what is best is a CLEAN BREAK aka no contact. However in this situation the contact has already been made. If you do choose to meet him, don't take this as a chance to "try and get back with him". Instead use this time to tell him you've got a few things you need to say. Tell him that you are tired of him treating you like a "yo-yo" and that you've had enough. Tell him that it is now time for you both to move on. It obviously hasn't been working for you so you need to find your happiness elsewhere girl. If you think for a second that you are going to fall back into that old routine... DON"T CALL HIM!! Good luck and please let me know how things go!

<3 Leslie

[Chery]

I would come up with a compatibility test with a lot of 'what ifs' and 'how would you react' type questions that pertain to how you feel, to include jealousy, space, trust, etc. and ask him to go through it with you by answering them on a separate sheet of paper. Then compare them and talk about it. If he is not inclined to go along with this and thinks it's a waste of time, then you pretty much know where you stand and can make your plans either way. If he agrees to this, then there might still be a chance and only time will tell if it will work out for the both of you.
Don't hold back on opinions or questions - you need to know in order to either advance or get closure and go on in life. Be honest with yourself at all costs, because I don't think you are sure you want him totally out of your life yet.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

[losingit77]

Thanks, chery! That's exactly it. I'm not sure I want him out of my life yet. I'm not sure if I completely screwed up by breaking up with him or if I did the right thing. (For the record, he never broke up with me. The 2 times we have broken up it has been I who have broken up with him, then immediately the next day have tried to get back together, only to have him say no, I can't be in a relationship). I know we both love each other and I think when you both do you should do whatever is in both of your powers to fix the relationship. But I also know that you both need to want to do that... and I'm not sure he's on board with that... but at the same time, I don't want to push him "off" board...

We're very different types of people! We even were talking a couple of months ago about how we need to be better at communicating effectively with each other. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings and I think sometimes I push him too hard... and wind up pushing him away. Its just a month ago he was talking about marriage and then the next month its "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore"... I just want to take responsibility for my part in this whole thing... but at the same time, I can't get my heart broken again... and I guess, neither can he.

[Chery]

For every action there is naturally a reaction - that was his way of protecting himself, and your way of justifying the break even though you have doubts. I think what you both really wanted to begin with was commitment, but neither of you felt secure enough to risk just saying so in fear of rejection.

Rejection will of course be a part of all of our lives and we have to learn to accept them and cope, but if you don't take the risk you won't know the outcome, just like in the stock market. No investment, no gain. And just like in stocks, there is a risk of losing it all, but at least you were out there doing something in life to try to achieve a goal that you set.

Fear is what is holding both of you back, I think, so it's time one of you breaks through and see where it will take you.

He did say he loved you, so ask him what he meant by that, and why he thinks a relationship might not work, but don't be pushy, tell him of your fears too - you both after all are only human and men are just as scared of failure as we are.

Life is too short to constantly be scared - that will get you nowhere and you'll kick yourself later for not trying. So, what is worse, good or bad now or crying over spilled milk later?

Your choice dear.



Agree on a signal when either of you feel your are being pushed, and stick to it. There are safe corners in a boxing ring too to give each other time to regroup.

[losingit77]

That's just it. We've been in a completely committed relationship for 4 years. We even lived together for part of that time. (Temporarily). I've never doubted his commitment or love for me. Its when I started to want to talk about our future that he started freaking out and saying he didn't know what he wanted out of his future... and then I broke up with him saying I couldn't be with someone who's unsure about our future after this long together. He lives day to day... I'm a planner.

Thanks, you're really helping me organize my thoughts and remember how this all really played out... I started this mess, I'm trying to undo it, he's trying to keep himself out of harms way and is just as confused as I am.

[talaniman]

You got yourself into this, I think you'll have to finish what you started. Just don't make promises you can't keep.

[losingit77]

Well. We met up last night. Hung out like old times and had a lot fun. But then we did "the talk". I told him how I felt that I wanted to be together and I think if we both want it to work we can make it work. He basically said he needs to get his life together and start a new life and he can't do that with me in it... in his words, it wouldn't be fair to either one of us. I kept my dignity, didn't cry (much) or beg or complain. He had the nerve to start talking about what we could do this summer, how I could call him whenever I wanted, how we could still see each other, etc. I was so p*ssed. You're dumping me and you think we'll still be in each other lives?? We managed to leave a good note. I held back all my anger and emotion pretty well. Now I get to sit at home alone and cry and scream and try to heal. Keeping NC should not be a problem since the last thing I want to do is let him know how much he hurt me or let him have any more involvement in my life. He made his bed, he can lie in it now.

[Chery]

At least you got to the next step and know where you stand and what you DON'T want - and that is in the middle with no assurance. So, now you can start your healing process.

You heard directly from him that he is not willing to be a full partner and just wants the convenient times. That is selfish and disrespectful and you don't deserve to be treated like a pet that gets the ball when he's ready to play, and go back to the doghouse when he's busy doing other things. That is his 'big picture' and not your's!

Remember you cannot influence him, but you can determine how you want to build your life and the people you want to share it with - those that will respect you a lot more than he.

So, my dear, get mad, cry, yell, the whole bit.. once you've worn those emotions out, you will be able to think more logical and start planning better things for yourself. Vent here with us any time, and we will be here to help.

Good luck in the healing process - you're not alone.


It helps to get rid of stuff that reminds you of him and avoid places you went to together for a while until your anger phase is finished.

[talaniman]

You have the closure, now all you need is to move forward, with a life with out him. Looks bleak now I know, but I guarantee, better, happier times ahead. Anger is a part of healing so vent those feelings. You will have many feelings now, and you can feel, and vent, here all you want.

[nkychic]

Well. we met up last night. Hung out like old times and had a lot fun. But then we did "the talk". I told him how I felt that I wanted to be together and I think if we both want it to work we can make it work. He basically said he needs to get his life together and start a new life and he can't do that with me in it...in his words, it wouldn't be fair to either one of us. I kept my dignity, didn't cry (much) or beg or complain. He had the nerve to start talking about what we could do this summer, how i could call him whenever i wanted, how we could still see each other, etc. I was so p*ssed. You're dumping me and you think we'll still be in each other lives???? We managed to leave a good note. I held back all my anger and emotion pretty well. Now I get to sit at home alone and cry and scream and try to heal. Keeping NC should not be a problem since the last thing I want to do is let him know how much he hurt me or let him have any more involvement in my life. He made his bed, he can lie in it now.

Think of a time in your life (not this incident) that you would have sworn your life was over. You are still here now... and you will be long after this guy is out of your mind. It's hard at first, but stick to the NC rule and get on with your life. Do that for YOU!

[losingit77]

When we last spoke on Sunday, I told him it would be easier for me if we just had no contact cause it would be easier for me to move on. Now 2 days later, and he's called me 3 times. I haven't answered at all and he hasn't left a message. Agh! What do I do. I was setting little goals for myself with NC like, I will not have any contact with him for 5 weeks...

[talaniman]

What do I do. I was setting little goals for myself with NC like, I will not have any contact with him for 5 weeks...

Do what you said, have no contact, block his phone calls.