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concernedfriend · Mar 18, 2008, 08:31 PM

I have a very good friend that is having extreme marital issues, not the least of which being frequent infidelity on the part of his wife. They have one child that he was told after the child's third birthday was not biologically his. He loves and cares for the child both emotionally and financially as if it were his own though.
They are residents in the state of North Carolina which requires a year of separation prior to allowing a divorce. He is in the military and had initiated the separation period while on deployment. He just returned about a month ago and was told by his wife that if went through with the divorce, she would leave, probably move to Mexico, and he could not have any relationship with the child. This of course devastated him as he knows the child would move back to a rough life and would be worse off. He offered to completely support the child financially if he could only keep a relationship with the child. His wife said no, essentially using her child as leverage.
He believes now his hands are tied and that he must stay married in order to have any custody of his child and take care of the child's best interest. Is this true? It seems it might be, but I just wanted to make sure for his sake. I have no idea if the biological father knows that he has a child, but am positive he has no involvement in the child's life.
To stay in a loveless, unhealthy marriage just for the child's welfare seems unfair for both my friend and the child. If he can prove the child would be better off with him as a parent, albeit not biologically, can he get joint custody? Can he fight in any way to stay in her life if he goes through with the divorce?
Any advice at all would be really helpful. I am really wanting to look out for the happiness of my friend and the well-being of the child.
Thank you very much, A Concerned Friend

Fr_Chuck · Mar 18, 2008, 08:56 PM

Tough call, first even if he had legal joint custody, if the mother takes off to another county like Mexcio, there is nothing he can do, since US courts has little effect there, heck if she just denied the court order and left to another state, not always will things happen.

So really there is not always a way to enforce something if the other person is willing to go out of their way to avoid it.

As for as the issue, time for an attorney, it can follow though what state child born in, and how long they lived there. current state, how long they lived there and a lot more. Some states after the child is born to a married couple, after a amount of time, no one can challenge his rights as a father, in other states they can always challenge him unless it is proved.

So this will be a very complicated court case that could take months to figure out and go though the courts.

JudyKayTee · Mar 19, 2008, 06:28 AM

[QUOTE=concernedfriend]I have a very good friend that is having extreme marital issues, not the least of which being frequent infidelity on the part of his wife. They have one child that he was told after the child's third birthday was not biologically his. He loves and cares for the child both emotionally and financially as if it were his own though.
They are residents in the state of North Carolina which requires a year of separation prior to allowing a divorce. He is in the military and had initiated the separation period while on deployment. He just returned about a month ago and was told by his wife that if went through with the divorce, she would leave, probably move to Mexico, and he could not have any relationship with the child. This of course devastated him as he knows the child would move back to a rough life and would be worse off. He offered to completely support the child financially if he could only keep a relationship with the child. His wife said no, essentially using her child as leverage.
He believes now his hands are tied and that he must stay married in order to have any custody of his child and take care of the child's best interest. Is this true? It seems it might be, but I just wanted to make sure for his sake. I have no idea if the biological father knows that he has a child, but am positive he has no involvement in the child's life.
To stay in a loveless, unhealthy marriage just for the child's welfare seems unfair for both my friend and the child. If he can prove the child would be better off with him as a parent, albeit not biologically, can he get joint custody? Can he fight in any way to stay in her life if he goes through with the divorce?
Any advice at all would be really helpful. I am really wanting to look out for the happiness of my friend and the well-being of the child.

I would say he has to go to Court and see what a Judge will decide. Can he prove the mother is unfit - being unfaithful in your marriage and threatening to leave and "hide" the child is not being an unfit parent (unfortunately). He doesn't know if he can win unless he tries. Hopefully the Court will look at what is best for the child - but that doesn't always happen when it's a non-biological "parent."

My only other thought would be - so she said he's not the father? Ask for DNA testing and know for sure. He might be spinning his wheels here when he really IS the father. Apparently the mother lies so maybe she's lying about paternity.

ScottGem · Mar 19, 2008, 06:42 AM

In many states, if the husband signs the birth certificate, thereby acknowledging paternity, he is the legal father. While this can be challenged by the bio father, that challenge has to be done within a time stated in the state's law. If the child is over three, then there is a strong likelihood that he is the child's legal father and has all the rights (including right to custody) that he would have had if he was also the bio father.

But, as Chuck pointed out, that wouldn't stop the mother from skipping out. So, what I think he needs to do is go talk to a lawyer who can advise what legal options he has to prevent her from leaving the country. Does the child have a passport? If so, I would make sure he has possession of it. There may be things he can do to ensure custody, at least joint custody for the child.

cdad · Mar 19, 2008, 11:23 AM

I agree with Scott on this one because if the child was born in the marriage then the husband is considered the father of the child no matter who the bio dad is. If he does seek legal advice at this point because of what has been said he must do so covertly. Its sad but he can't threaten anything so as not to disrupt what he has in mind for a goal. If he is determined the father then he can seek custody and have the child in his possession when he does so until its heard by the courts ( emergency custody order . He will need to plan to provide for the child 24 / 7. If child care is needed he has to get it all set up. I also believe the U.S. has treaties with Mexico for co operation but its no small country.

concernedfriend · Mar 23, 2008, 08:04 PM

Thank you so very much for all of your responses. They are very helpful as I was completely lost with what advice I could give my friend. Of course, it is up to him how he wants to proceed, but I think getting a lawyer to figure out his options is the way to go. I feel like he has given up any hope of happiness for both him and his child, but maybe this will be a glimmer. Thank you again, I really am grateful.