[damned]

I'm a 24 yr old guy. Well settles in a good job. Doing pretty well for myself professionally. Have a wide spectrum of interests like reading, music, oratory and sports. I play the guitar and sing, play many games pretty regularly, attend social get togethers, throw parties and look better than most guys around. Have a big family and healthy relations with everyone. And have been pretty popular with friends also girls. I am everything that anyone would want to be, but only on the outside. I am very very troubled, confused and hurt on the inside and I have lost the will to live.

I was madly in love with a girl some time back and did tell her so. She rejected everything I said and didn't care about anything I felt and always said that we were 'just frnds' and that I didn't know what I said. I spent 5 years trying to convince her that my feelings were genuine and I meant well. It didn't work and I taught myself to forget her and move on. All these years I never even got close to any female cause I felt so close to this gal. that being history I came across another gal with whom I shared everything and she shared everything with me. We would spend hours together on phone or just hanging out. She told me she has a boyfrnd already but that she liked me a lot and said I was the greatest guy ever and I told her that I was crazy about her. Eventually being attrracted to her I confessed to her that I was falling in love with her. But I got the same reply ' u don't mean what you say' and 'we are only frnds'. We continue to talk to each other for hours and sharing evrything and keep telling her that I am attached to her but she laughs everything off. I told her that it hurts me but she still doesn't want to hear any of it. I'm afraid I'll spend years again trying to convince her and will get only rejection in the end. Maybe I'm just damned in love. I don't know. I can't get over her and I don't want to also. I just feel like killing myself. Am I abnormal? Is there a solution or I just should learn to be rejected?

[JBeaucaire]

You're not damned, you've just got a wonky view of what is supposed to happen when making friends and/or going on dates. Your confusing your feelings for girls with their responsibility to feel/act the same way with you. They are so absolutely not the same thing at all.

In fact, as I often say here to people, you must learn to take your "feelings" for girls (even OMG strong ones) with a grain of salt. Feelings are not reality, they are motivators. And your feelings will never motivate others, only their feelings. This gets confusing.

You're never going to go out or spend time with a girl you don't already have some attraction to. Understand? You will experience "connection feelings of love" far earlier than is appropriate to ACT on in most instances. The whole dating process is to find out a LOT of information from the girl, not the least of which is "does she even consider me this way at all?" This could take MONTHS... and probably should.

Sharing feelings for a person who doesn't feel the same way results in the awkward situations you've described above. These girls are your friends. That's an awesome thing. Friendship is a fantastic path to a permanent love relationship, but it is by no means guaranteed nor does it mean there's anything wrong with either of you when it doesn't happen.

Two people who meet and befriend ALWAYS like each other at different strengths. It takes time (usually) for the heat to become equally intense on both sides. IF it doesn't happen, that's just life.

Getting depressed about it simply saps your energy, energy you're supposed to be using to create your next friendship(s). You decide what's more important - pouting to yourself that you feel more for someone than they do for you, or enjoying their friendship and making more.

This is totally your choice. Do what makes you feel better. My vote is "more girl friends"... but you choose.

[Synnen]

You need to understand that trying to "convince" a girl that you're in love with her is only going to push her away, and convince her of nothing but that you're creepy.

ESPECIALLY if you spend 5 years on it!

You need to talk to a variety of women, to date a variety of women. Do not hang all of your hopes on one, and then get angry and frustrated when she doesn't return your feelings. How would you feel if a woman you only thought of as a friend was upset with you because you didn't love her like she loved you? Would you feel OBLIGATED to feel the same way about her as she feels about you?

It's good to have friends of the opposite sex. But--expecting anyone to automatically feel the same way about you as you do about them--that's just crazy. Everyone has a right to their OWN feelings.

As far as this girl putting you off, saying "we're just friends"---that's NOT an invitation to convince her otherwise. That's an invitation to back off before you destroy your friendship. Contrary to what some guys think, it's NOT playing hard to get to say that you just want to be friends.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes spending 5 years trying to convinice is actually creepy, sounds more like you were lucky not to have a restraining order against you.

You sound like you believe youi have way to seroius feelings without any real relastionship. You need to find the ability to move on, if one is not working.

The difference from a stalker and a friend is the ability to know when it is not working out and going on with new relastionships.

I believe personally that some counseling to get to know more your own feelings and how to properly relate to others could be very helpful.

[talaniman]

is there a solution or I just should learn to be rejected?

Learning how to cope with rejection, is closer to the truth, as we all go through it at sometime or another, and its not really something to take personally. It is a fear among younger people, being rejected, and can paralyze you with fear ,and stop you from taking a chance. Not healthy, on such a level. I think your problem is that you latch on to a female, and if she is nice enough to smile, you fall in fast, and deeply and think it the bomb. Sorry it doesn't work that way, so slow way down, and investigate them first, and still take time to know them, before you pour your whole soul, out on the table. You can never convince someone to like you, enough to get more than they are willing to give, so its important to know, when its just not going to work out, and back off. It's a learning experience, so slow down and do it right, and have fun at it.

[mogoverthemoon]

Here's what I do because I hung my hopes on one girl for a while.
Just don't bother with trying to get a girl/ or any girl for that matter, I'm just getting on with life and not thinking about love/ relastionships or sex at all and its great!
Eventually someone will come along I guess but until then, why put yourself 'out there' when your going to get knocked back!?

[Wondergirl]

here's what i do because i hung my hopes on one girl for a while.
just dont bother with trying to get a girl/ or any girl for that matter, i'm just getting on with life and not thinking about love/ relastionships or sex at all and its great!
eventually someone will come along i guess but until then, why put yourself 'out there' when your gona get knocked back!?!?!

Your princess will not show up on your doorstep with a tag on her blouse or a tattoo on her forehead that says, "I'M THE ONE!!" You're probably going to have to kiss a lot of frogettes before you find your princess.

Make girls a part of your life -- take them to the library, include them in your grocery shopping trips, go out for coffee with them, have history trivia challenges with them, have deep philosophical discussions with them, laugh with them, eat ice cream with them, cry with them, talk with them, listen to them, let them teach you how to play Yahtzee or poker or Scrabble and you teach them how to play the piano or basketball or fly a kite. Do things with them, experience them, figure out what you like about each one and what drives you nuts.

One of them will be your princess.