[angelica1999]

Hi how are all I'm amom and have 5 children I always stress and I'm having lack of sex desire but the prablem is with my husbend if I don't have orgasm wow !that abig deal he gets mad so disspointed and some times he things cause I'm not happy with my life or I don't have strong feelings for him but of course yes I do I love him pleas help ?

[hollylovesbrandon]

Well, stress is always a problem when trying to orgasm. If you can't completely lose yourself in your lover and in the moment then nothing will happen. You need to loosen up and lay back and enjoy. Don't think about anything but how incredible it is. Also, you might want to have yourself checked for depression. Lack of sexual desire is a sign of depression. And the stress can cause anxiety. Also, you might want to explain to him what's going on and that it's nothing of his doing. Let him know it's your fault and that you are working to fix it. Just relax, it will all be fine.

[ISneezeFunny]

In society's point of view, it's the "man's responsibility" to make sure the woman is satisfied... as he's not a "man" unless he can satisfy a woman.

So you not getting the O is taking a hit to his manhood...

Perhaps you thinking he'll get mad is stressing the both of you... and in turn, making it worse. Try to change it up a bit... massages... baths... oils... toys... anything for the both of you two just relax and as hollylovesbrandon puts it "lose yourself in the moment"

Go get it on. Best wishes.

[kp2171]

Apologies in advance for a post that will go on and on... I'm not great at fewer words...

I feel for both sides, but his behavior needs to change some for things to be better.

Its completely natural and healthy that he wants to satisfy you in bed. There's a lot of threads here where women write in with lovers who are uninterested in sex and uninterested in getting their lover to orgasm. The relationship feels more like "roommates" when it becomes more asexual... and everybody wants to feel chased. "consenting" to sex just isn't sexy. My partner is exhausted at night... she's "willing" to have sex if I initiate and pursue it, but I rarely do... I don't want someone who is just glad to help me out, give me a fix. I'm fine waiting until the morning when I can get a better emotional connection to her. Not to say I never pursue her at night.

So there's the guilt trip you face. Men are told to be lovers. Told to be giving in bed. And the primal "porn star" in him tells him if he can't get you off, that he's less of a man or doing it wrong. So... his position is understandable.

And then again... you are in a bad position. 5 kids... how much time do you have for romance? Sensually connecting? Uninhibited, spontaneous, playful touching? Little to none, right?

You need to try to talk to him without it being a fight. Both sides feel like crap here. Sounds to me you are willing to compromise by having sex when you are less intereted, but in return you are getting guilt trips because you aren't reaching the big "O". Not going to work.

As mentioned already, stress can kill libido. Guilt on top of stress is just more noise thrown into this bad cycle. It just feeds and propagates itself.

Do you ever make arrangements for you to be with him alone, no kids? Take a night out at a local hotel after dinner and a date? Mentally and physcally getting out of dodge can help you relax and recharge. My partner and I try to do this once a quarter.

Next... how is your mental and physical health, outside of being tired from fam life? Depression kills libido, being in better health primes it, drugs, smoking, drinking can all hurt libido. There's a lot of reasons you might be in a "rut"... and if you are uninterested, you are less likely to enjoy it when you do have sex.

When you are interested, are you satisfied? Is sex pleasurable? Can he get you off? Does he ever try oral first to pleasure you first, and then himself after through intercourse?

I know... lots of questions. Have you read any books on sex, sensual touching, etc? Its an interesting way to piqué your interest, and perhaps then show your partner a section that might be fun to try.

So... issues are real on both sides. If he wants to get you off, why not focus on your first? Personally, this is how I approach sex proabably 80% of the time... I just know my partner enjoys sex more if I get her off orally, and then we move toward intercourse... she might get "seconds", has a good experience, and is primed for me. Also, do you ever self stimulate during sex? There are positions that would never work for my wife if she didn't self stim to orgasm.

Next, when you do try to connect, can you find ways to make the environment better for you to relax? Date night and overnights can help, but take planning and work. I recently posted in a thread what my partner would prefer to nearly guarantee orgasm...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...tml#post906239

Again, this is best case scenario, with no hassles or kids... and it takes deliberate planning and work. So... is there "work" he needs to focus on, such as sensual touch, to help you be in a better place?

I know your OP almost had an angle of wanting to find a way to make him accept that you aren't always going to get there sexually. He is missing the point, by not enjoying the sexual experience, orgasm or not. So... maybe you can find some in between ground... he needs to understand how pressures kill libido and how mental distractions can prevent orgasms... and maybe you can find ways to make sex more interesting to you and rediscover that connection. Some of the best "sex books" I've read weren't tantric... they were books about massage, touch, developing sensual tension.

[Synnen]

Dang it, KP... if we're ever both single... even if it's in our 90s... I'm so snatching you up.

Great advice. I just need to spread the love. :)

[simoneaugie]

Some women just fake it. Good for you for not going there, because that is lying. KP said it all. Work at it and talk about it. Never assume you know what the other person is thinking, ask at a good time (not in the midst of sex) and in a non-confrontational way.

[angelica1999]

Tank you all for the wonderful answears I just felt little better get lots of things from my chest.I try to tell him about baby sitter he refuses all the time he's like I won't leave my kids with some 1 no matter who she is .and going out arrang dinner togather never happened he always says I'm bussy in work I'm full time mom I don't gather with my friends I don't even have time for myself and yes that's true I plame myself for not having orgasm and specially these days he just come up with his ex girl friend how amazing she was in bed and that's hert me and I have my own mental block but for my health thanks god I'm young women no smoking drinking nothing like that and now I started to search on the net and I do have 1 book its awomen health and I did read that but wasn't that help full .

[kp2171]

I really feel for your struggle.

I might be able to arrange for nights out with a little work, but that's for one child. Five, I imagine, is clearly more work in terms of getting reliable care.

Sex problems are the symptom here, not the cause. You say yourself you don't have any "you" time and you don't have any "couple" time, and that is weighing hard on you.

After a frustrating stretch one time in the bedroom, or a lack of time there to be correct, during a time when my partner and I were clashing on some issues that we kept walking around but never resolving... I confronted her with how little time we spent together in the bedroom... and her response was she thought the health of your relationship in the bedroom somewhat mirrors the health of the relationship throughout the rest of the "house"...

While I don't think that's entirely true... as people can be in good relationships and just be in a rut for any number of reasons... it made me understand all of the things that were not getting resolved were finding a way into our bed.

That's what's happening here as well, I think.

[angelica1999]

Againe thank you kp 2171 if I need to ask other question do I should ask here or start new subject .and thanks for the other ladies

[kp2171]

If your question roughly relates to this thread, you can just ask the question here... it lets people read the new question in context with the old, tied to your situation.

If its completely different or just doesn't need this context to be attached, feel free to start another question. The only thing we tend to ask is that you don't ask the same question in multiple subjects right away... like in relationships and marriage and sexuality... find the best topic header and post once... if you don't get the traffic you want, you can always post again in that thread or try again in another topic.

[BELEIV]

I am not a doctor but due to my own issues you may as well also benefit from all of the money I have spent on therapy. First of all you may very well be having difficulty because of your partners freak out very unsupportive reaction when you don't. Sounds like he may just be mostly concerned due to male ego. I am a mother also of just two and raising 5 my goodness your pulled at all day from every direction. He just needs to send you out for the day for a massage and for just a little me time, while he takes care of all 5. wonder how sexy he'll feel at the end of that day!? Also he just needs to be very sweet and patient, and maybe he should sloooow down for you. It takes moms longer to wind down and women in general it takes longer for us to climax than most men. Good luck, I know how you feel.

[angelica1999]

My question how to deal with my husbend if he don't trust me cause I'm not having orgasm.

[Choux]

You said that your husband gets mad and disappointed in your original question, now you are saying that he doesn't trust you because you don't orgasm.

Which is it? :D

[angelica1999]

Thank you for your nice answear I'm trying hardley to explain about this subject for some reason he run away or shut subject down.and yes he don't trust me cause I don't have orgasm that what he mention to me .