[piratechick1986]

:( We are getting married in two months and last night while playing a sex game my fiancé reveals to me that he is Bicurious and that he has looked at Gay porn about four times over the last year. He says that he is finds the penius interesting but has no desire to have sex with another man and doesn't find them attractive when he looks across the room at another man. I love him with all my heart and he says that he only wants to be with me and doesn't want to even experience another man before our wedding. He says he is fully committed to me and wants to be with no one but me for the rest of his life. I am little nervous about him growing up to be a dad and becoming gay. Is this something to be worrried about or should I just believe that he onlys wants to be with me? Would it be wrong to ask him to cut back on all porn in general? He is very turned on by my body and we have a great sex life... is it simply just curiousity brought on by porn? PLease HELP!!

[Choux]

Did he say the "interesting looking penis'" gave him an erection? :)

[piratechick1986]

No he only said that he finds it interesting do you think that could be just interest and curiousity and that he is studying to be a nurse.

[Fr_Chuck]

Of course people who are bi are turned on by both, so being turned on by you does not mean he is not.

But in any relastionship, ( straight) for example, he will be tempted by women all the time to cheat, so if he is a cheater, he will cheat bo, straight or gay, if he is not a cheater it does not matter.

[Choux]

Being in the medical profession as a physician and nurse and some other careers is very sexual. They handle and look at and treat people's bodies and genital and butt cracks as a matter of course.

It seems to me he is a little turned on by male genitals... it is normal for human beings to be curious about the genitals and breasts(for females) of the same sex. After all, it is so prohibited by most families and religion.

He might be going through a phase.

One thing I have learned... one can't predict what will happen in the future, that's for sure... :)

[rockerchick26]

I just wanted to say that I think it's really great that he was able to talk to you about it in the first place. It says a lot about your relationship that he can share something like this with you. That being said, I think a lot of people are curious about homosexuality, but that doesn't mean they are gay or bi-sexual. It could just be a "normal" curiousity. For example, I have fantasized about being with a woman and have watched lesbian porn, but I don't feel the need to actually be with a woman and I def don't consider myself bi. I do agree with some of the previous comments though, you certainly cannot predict the future, you can only follow your heart.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Of course people who are bi are turned on by both, so being turned on by you does not mean he is not.

But in any relastionship, ( straight) for example, he will be tempted by women all the time to cheat, so if he is a cheater, he will cheat bo, straight or gay, if he is not a cheater it does not matter.

So your saying that my boyfriend is going to be tempted to cheat on me just because he looks at a woman? He is has never cheated in his life :( This makes me sad...

[Ash123]

Anything is fair as fantasy.

Anything that is an action is a concern.

He DID go watch it on his own. That is an action.

But he only talk about it with you: that is a fantasy.

I rule that he is an oversexed guy who is probably not gay BUT is still getting to know himself.

How old are you?

[piratechick1986]

I am 21 and he will be 25 on march 18th

[Xrayman]

I wouldn't worry-he has told you this, he has not kept it secret-I would have been worried if he didn't tell you and he was getting right into gay porn etc. I think it is pure curiosity.

I'm not sure if you are offended, interested want to play along? Where do you sit with it? That is the real test FOR YOU.

[piratechick1986]

I am sitting on the fence of it... I told him that I would start having anal sex with him and even strap on if he really want to be on the receiving end. He seemed happy with both options. I think knowing I'm not totally freaked out by his fantasy helped the situation.

[kraz]

How long have the two of you been going out and planning to marry?

Why has it come out now only two months before you're supposed to get married. Why didn't he tell you years ago about this? That way you would have more time to get your head around this and find out if he is actually bi and not just curious.

You wrote "... he only wants to be with me and doesnt want to even experience another man before our wedding". Was this a typo or is he thinking of experience a man after your wedding?

I am not a prude, but what about your wants and needs. Why does it look to me like you are totally going to grant all his fantasies and bend to his way of thinking whether bi or not. If you are going to have anal sex, remember lots and lots of lub and a condom, this will stop the transfer of any bacteria and/or infections for anus to Virginia.

[piratechick1986]

We will be together 14months when we get married. We talked about it last night and he has no desire to be with a man. He said he is just curious about the whole situation. I am comfortable with it all now since he sat down and talked about it all. I made it clear that once we get married there will be no one else man or woman and he said he was ready to make that commitment. I feel a lot better about it now.

[Ash123]

i am sitting on the fence of it...i told him that i would start having anal sex with him and even strap on if he really want to be on the receiving end. He seemed happy with both options. I think knowing im not totally freaked out by his fantasy helped the situation.

Anal sex with a strap-on to appease his desires pre-marriage is a nice gesture I suppose.
:cool:

Arre you really comfortable with it?

It seems like you all are dealing with a slight lifestyle issue too:
He wants to feel very sexually liberated - mixed roles/ mixed porn/ same sex attraction... If this is something you are comfortable with - super.

If not, take your time....

[kp2171]

So your saying that my boyfriend is going to be tempted to cheat on me just because he looks at a woman? He is has never cheated in his life :( This makes me sad...

I think I take this differently.

My partner is beautiful and gets hit on. Sometimes its by guys she likes. Sometimes its not. I know of at least one man in mexico who would bed her in a second, when she visits on biz, and I know she's somewhat attracted to him. She likes latin men with deep voices. I'm white bread USA, and barry white has a few octaves on me... though he does over most.

Her opinion is that men and women often think differently concerning visual temptation... I'm not speaking for all women or all men... this is her opinion and mine... she believes most women, when they see a guy who is cute, nice butt, good smile, good teeth, might get a rise in temperature... but she rarely thinks "i wonder what he screws like in bed"... and if she does think about that guy sexually, it seems to be different, less primal, than a guys approach.

Now... the best sex is usually experienced when there's some balance between mental and physical excitement. The person who loves one night stands (guy or girl) is tying in the mental danger/unknown components to amp up the physical sensation. The person in a longer toerm, monogamous relationship is tying in the comfort and love of the person to the physical interactions in bed. That said, I think many guys can look at a girl they find attractive and be "tempted", thinking though all the mental gymnastics of what kissing her or bedding her might be like. And then walk away from it without it being an issue. Just like you walked by a TV showing a sex scene and then passed... it's there, its gone.

So is your guy constantly looking around at other women, imagining himself bedding them? Well... probably no and yes. Guys are visual apes. Why is porn such an issue with some men? Why do guys like their women in lingerie? visual apes. Though some women do respond to visual sexual stimuli, I think it's a smaller number, at least concerning the type of stimuli.

I know more women who would rather read sex stories than watch porn. Just my experience from talking to people I know... but ill bet most of the women I know have had, at least once in their life, a few erotic or boddice-ripper books in their bedroom. My wife has no less than three I know about, and maybe more I don't. How many of those women have dvd's or tapes of sex? Some, I'm sure, but less, ill bet.

Tho' even my partner, who has absolutely no interest in what is considered graffic sexual material, liked red shoe diaries. Why? Steamy enough visually, but it was tied to stories, an emotional buildup.

So when we see an attractive woman it isn't about comparing her to you... even though that's maybe how you feel... it isn't malicious and it isn't, in my mind, something you need to be concerned about unless there are other issues.

Like I said... I KNOW there are guys hitting on my wife, making advances, and some she might even be interested in. I'm a jealous guy. More than happy to put a guy to the wall if he gets out of line. But... she stays true to me, comes home to me, and my trust in her lets me sleep well when she's in a bed a continent away.

She didn't stop being a sexual being once she married me, or even committed to me. She didn't stop thinking about what she prefers sexually and visually. As for me... she knows I'm going to see women that, if I were single, id chase down and pursue. She knows I'm going to walk by a woman with a pleasing perfume and it might stop me in my tracks. I might flirt a smile at the woman at the checkout, just as she might touch the arm of the boy at the bar buying her drinks and losing to her in pool.

Don't be sad he is a sexual being that will find other women attractive. Be happy that despite seeing other women and being tempted from time to time, that he is coming home to you. Powerful stuff, not worth being sad over.

Didn't mean for this to be so long. Never am short on words.

[piratechick1986]

I think that this is an excellent way to put things. It strangely makes me feel better that despite the occasion temptation that my man comes home to me every night. I really like this a whole lot. Thank you so much for that.

[talaniman]

I honestly feel that you two have a bond, and very good communications, and are wiling to work together. After 14 months that's really great, keep it up, and before you know it GRANDKIDS!

[kp2171]

Concerning the OP...

You are uncomfortable with this. You know that. I think you are mostly trying to please him with things he might like. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are comfortable enough with it.

It isn't wrong to ask him to cut back on porn, if this is bothering you, and it is. Its already in your bedroom (in your mind). I don't dictate what people should do or put up with in their bedrooms... its just not one size fits all.

But my line on external stimulation... meaning he's going to sources other than you for sexual interest or pleasure... is when you feel it is destructive to the relationship mentally or physically, that its taking away a significant part of your connection to him or him to you... that's when the line is crossed and needs to be addressed.

My partner has a vibe. I know she's uses it to get off when I'm not around. She's probably taken it on more trips than she's taken me. Is it a problem? no. if I'm pent up and I need to be a "problem solver" and I can't wait, is it bad for the relationship? Not as long as it doesn't significantly draw away from our intimacy.

So... it isn't wrong that he likes visual stimulation. But his is more fringe... so now we are into what is OK or not. Obviously not all visual stimuli is appropriate or even legal... so its not just about saying what floats his boat is OK.

Best you can do is talk honestly and openly as much as you can. The "problem" concerning sex is often when you cross a line, its hard to go back and withdrawl... meaning if you indulge this, plan on it being a normal part of your life. You cannot marry a person and think you are going to change them into someone different. So if this isn't going to work sexually long term, its time to talk it out or think things through. Sexual compatibility is important for both people here.

There are things id like to do sexually that my partner isn't interested in. I'm fine with that. There are things id find sexually charging that she isn't intersted in seeing or watching. Fine. I don't feel like I'm being denied, even though it might add a few elements, and she doesn't feel put upon or like she's denying me an important part of my sexuality.

So you aren't wrong for wanting him to cut back. That's your preference. He might do it. He might not. He might sneak. I don't know. Key is you both need to find some honest middle ground where you are satisfied you can give him what he desires and he knows where your limits are. The sooner you can tell him what you aren't comfortable with, the better.

[piratechick1986]

Thank you for you advice, yesterday all day I couldn't think about anything else except talking to him about all that was on my mind. I am happy to say that I we talked about an hour about everything that has come out in the last week and we realized that we are the most important to one another. He was very receptive to being talked to since we have always had a very good line of communication. I am happy to say that I laid everything out for him and there is no longer a big pink elephant in the middle of the room.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

i think i take this differently.

my partner is beautiful and gets hit on. sometimes its by guys she likes. sometimes its not. i know of at least one man in mexico who would bed her in a second, when she visits on biz, and i know shes somewhat attracted to him. she likes latin men with deep voices. im white bread USA, and barry white has a few octives on me... though he does over most.

her opinion is that men and women often think differently concerning visual temptation... im not speaking for all women or all men... this is her opinion and mine... she believes most women, when they see a guy who is cute, nice butt, good smile, good teeth, might get a rise in temperature... but she rarely thinks "i wonder what he screws like in bed"... and if she does think about that guy sexually, it seems to be different, less primal, than a guys approach.

now... the best sex is usually experienced when theres some balance between mental and physical excitement. the person who loves one night stands (guy or girl) is tying in the mental danger/unknown components to amp up the physical sensation. the person in a longer toerm, monogamous relationship is tying in the comfort and love of the person to the physical interactions in bed. that said, i think many guys can look at a girl they find attractive and be "tempted", thinking though all the mental gymnastics of what kissing her or bedding her might be like. and then walk away from it without it being an issue. just like you walked by a tv showing a sex scene and then passed... its there, its gone.

so is your guy constantly looking around at other women, imagining himself bedding them? well... probably no and yes. guys are visual apes. why is porn such an issue with some men? why do guys like their women in lingerie? visual apes. though some women do respond to visual sexual stimuli, i think its a smaller number, at least concerning the type of stimuli.

i know more women who would rather read sex stories than watch porn. just my experience from talking to people i know... but ill bet most of the women i know have had, at least once in their life, a few erotic or boddice-ripper books in their bedroom. my wife has no less than three i know about, and maybe more i dont. how many of those women have dvd's or tapes of sex? some, im sure, but less, ill bet.

tho' even my partner, who has absolutely no interest in what is considered graffic sexual material, liked red shoe diaries. why? steamy enough visually, but it was tied to stories, an emotional buildup.

so when we see an attractive woman it isnt about comparing her to you... even though thats maybe how you feel... it isnt malicious and it isnt, in my mind, something you need to be concerned about unless there are other issues.

like i said... i KNOW there are guys hitting on my wife, making advances, and some she might even be interested in. im a jealous guy. more than happy to put a guy to the wall if he gets out of line. but... she stays true to me, comes home to me, and my trust in her lets me sleep well when shes in a bed a continent away.

she didnt stop being a sexual being once she married me, or even committed to me. she didnt stop thinking about what she prefers sexually and visually. as for me... she knows im going to see women that, if i were single, id chase down and pursue. she knows im going to walk by a woman with a pleasing perfume and it might stop me in my tracks. i might flirt a smile at the woman at the checkout, just as she might touch the arm of the boy at the bar buying her drinks and losing to her in pool.

dont be sad he is a sexual being that will find other women attractive. be happy that despite seeing other women and being tempted from time to time, that he is coming home to you. powerful stuff, not worth being sad over.

didnt mean for this to be so long. never am short on words.

... WOW... is all I can write. I never looked at it that way. I know we are all sexual beings, and seeing an attractive man/woman is going to excite us... but you really broke it down to me. Thank you!

Like you, I am the jealous type. I don't even want to think about him eyeing up other women as it frustrates me. I know it is very human of us to do it though and I can accept that. He and I have been faithful to each other and love one another so that is all that matters.