[pink816]

I have been involved in a mess of a relationship with a married man for almost 2 years now. To say it has been a roller coaster ride is an understatement.

Bottom line is I love him and don't know how to let go of this. He tells me on a daily basis he doesn't love her but wants an amicable divorce. You have to understand his mother died and she has acted as his mother for a long time.

Would he really cheat and continue on with me if he still loved her? He stays out with me on the weekends, leaving her at home. Fights with her to be with me. We get along so well it's like we met at the wrong time. I talk to him almost everyday. But his wife is obsessed with him. After how bad the relationship is, she continues on acting like everything is OK. I am 29 and don't want to wait, but I don't want to let go if there is a possibility. Pushing him to make a choice has only pushed him away. He asked me not to talk about this every time we are together, because he can't deal.

Do you walk away when someone tells you they are leaving for you, or do you wait? Please help, I am so depressed and can't sleep anymore.

[massplumber2008]

Hey Pink. You know what I know... I know that if you are losing sleep and feeling depressed that you are not happy. ANd you know what else I know... you should be happy. It really can be that easy.. I swear.

It is a mindset somehow... that I believe that I deserve to be happy... and that I deserve to have someone love me completely. I know you have heard this before.

One last thing... you know what else I know... I know eharmony has hundreds of real gentlemen looking to meet nice women just like you... I hope you go find one and have the time of your life. God bless... good luck!

[Coy Campbell]

I would have to say I have been there to, its hard I know it is and hard isn't even the word for it. But think about this? Why is the relationship really not working between them two? You can not expect a married man to know what ot do. If he is happy with you then he would have chosen to leave already. Its time you tell him you want happiness and if he can't give it to u full time then you do not want no part time. Tell him your leaving and that if he really loves you then maybe he will leave her maybe his confused he doesn't want to hurt her but doesn't want to hurt you. Now its yourt decision are you going to let him hurt you or are you going to step up and be women enough to say " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"?

[shygrneyzs]

You say a counselor has not helped you - that is because you really do not want the help. You do want to hear the truth nor are you willing to do what is necessary in this affair. End it.

A married man who cheats on his wife - is going to cheat on his girlfriend (at some point). If he loved you as much as he says, he would divorce his wife to be with you. But he is still married. You have to understand that what you hear is his viewpoint. You do not hear from his wife.

I was married for 23 years and my husband, at one time, had two gf's going at the same time. He never married either one of them but along came another woman and he dumped his gf's to chase after her. Married her about 2 months after the divorce. Of course he maintained he never cheated.

Women who sleep with married men ought to know it gets them nowhere. It can get you in court however.

Now, how can you end this tawdry relationship? It is relatively easy. You tell this guy to leave you alone and then you mean it. You do not call him and you do not answer your phone when he calls. You do not reply to text messages or emails. You block his phone number and email. You tell him that if he contacts you, you will go to his wife. If need be, you will get a protection order. Then stick to it. You are easy prey for this guy and have fallen for one of the oldest stories of mankind.

You have also taken yourself out of the real dating life where a single man could meet you and come to appreciate you. A real shame.

[JBeaucaire]

Yeah, it really sucks being the "other woman" doesn't it? Don't worry, you'll get to experience the other side of this equation. Trust me. How so?

Well, assume he FINALLY leaves his wife and you end up with him. Now what will you base trusting him in marriage on? His history of fidelity? His undying claims of love. LOLOL.

Sorry so sarcastic, but look in the mirror. Is THAT the person you planned to be growing up? Marraige-wrecker? Future untrusting wife?

"Would he really cheat and continue on with me if he really loved her?" Of course! But even if he doesn't love her, so what? You are gaining nothing in this relationship except uncertainty.

How good or bad his marriage is is nothing compared to how bad your own character is and you desperately need some alone time to figure out why you feel the only guy worth chasing after is one who can't ever be trusted in your lifetime. You WANT this drama?

You don't need to be depressed. It appears you are safely tucked into a smelly-bed of your own making. No wonder you can't sleep!

So, shake the stink off, leave the married MEN (all of them) alone and work on being the great, trustworthy gal that any available man will work overttime to catch.

[talaniman]

You have been listening to his lies for two years? That's a long time to be dumb and blind as his actions and words do not match. His wife isn't so bad he leaves her for you and why should he as he can lie to you and enjoy his weekend. The only way to break this cycle if you want to, is tell him to keep his lying A$$ at home with his wife. You've already wasted 2 years, how many more are you going to waste?? It really is your own responsibility to make yourself happy. Get another counselor.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, he tells you everything you want to hear, men who cheat are good at that. Two years, does that not tell you something, of course he loves having sex and being with you, you are the fun girl. He has no intent on leaving his wife, and I doubt things are as bad as they seem, or she is just accepting his "fun" because of life style or other reason.

Men love on different levels than women, he loves his wife and loves his home and loves his money that he does not want her to get. He also loves being able to have both worlds.

Of course he is not going to leave his wife, and if he ever does, it may not even be for you, but some other younger girl of the week flavor.

Plus looks how easy he cheats now, do you think he would not cheat on you, or may be alrady now and then.

You are getting what you asked for with a married man, he most likely will still be married to her in 10 years and at some point want to have a younger lady to be fooling around with.

[Ash123]

This relationship is ... doomed.

To be the "other woman" (or man) means you are in a dyfunctional relationship.
He relies on you to survive his marriage and get what he needs from you.

You need to stop tomorrow. A dyfunctional relationship can only depress us, sap us, and take our valuable time. As soon as you walk away, he will have to face his life and see what he needs to do... It will take 2-3 YEARS post-divorce for him to be ready for a real relationship.

Rooting for you...

Will be VERYYYYYYY tough - but all you can do.

A

[pink816]

Thank you everyone. I have to admit on Weds. I spent the night with him, shortly after I wrote my post. He told me he made the choice to leave her. He even asked to meet my family. He made the biggest progress yet of the two years. We talked for a few hours and he explained how he was ready.

Then BAM... Valentine's Day came and she stayed home because she was devastated that he left. He sent me texts yesterday telling me how they were discussing their divorce. I went ballistic, I sent back how I had it being the yo-yo and he keeps going back and forth. And how I had feelings too. He sent to calm down. So, later that night I sent one final text. Saying how amazing it was that they were discussing divorce and that if he wasn't in bed with her right now he would be able to talk. Well, nothing back...

So, my closure was this. It is very hard for anyone to really understand the "connection" we had... It was never either one of our intentions to get romantically involved. I never felt love for anyone the way I felt for this guy, but after all the posts and Weds. Night I realize it is for my own sanity.

The only way to find out if someone loves you is to walk away. I am doing this now.

[HistorianChick]

Good for you, pink.

Closure in this type of situation is never a bad thing. He knows where to find you if he decides to go through with the divorce.

Now go on into your sparkly future...

[JBeaucaire]

*SIGH* Well, as I posted earlier, you clearly have no issues with your own behavior. As long as a guy is willing to "say" he loves you and climb into your bed all attentive-like, you'll give it up to him, who cares if he's married or not?

You're divorced, and the FIRST guy you go after is a married man. Seriously? Setting your "feelings" for him aside (since they're irrelevant), you're OK with your behavior on this? Really?

I'm sorry your marriage ended, but do you actually have so little regard for the institution of marriage and the problems and ups/down married people have to go through as to feel your outsider "feelings" make it OK for you to snuggle into a married man's bed? You REALLY are fine with this?

His yo-yoing you is completely your own doing, and you know that. Feeling like you "love him" more than anyone else you've ever know is... well, sickeningly sweet, but meaningless. He's MARRIED.

A forum full of level-headed people who actually DO have your best interests at heart have pounded you with good common sense, cries for your sanity and good character to be restored. What do you do with it... you sleep with him again.

I'm glad you're walking away. Now your safe again... at least until this married guy gets horny again and wants some more, I'm sure then he will just "text" you some lovin' words and you'll melt like a chocolate typewriter. After all, guys are 100% truthful all the time, aren't they?

Just ask his wife!

Go back and read my first post, you need to develop some backbone, not to GET this guy, but to be a person DESERVING of a faithful mate. That's not you today. The solution is in YOUR improvement, not his "coming around and loving you back." That would just be you successfully ending a 2nd marriage.

[pink816]

*SIGH* Well, as I posted earlier, you clearly have no issues with your own behavior. As long as a guy is willing to "say" he loves you and climb into your bed all attentive-like, you'll give it up to him, who cares if he's married or not?

You're divorced, and the FIRST guy you go after is a married man. Seriously? Setting your "feelings" for him aside (since they're irrelevant), you're OK with your behavior on this? Really?

I'm sorry your marraige ended, but do you actually have so little regard for the institution of marraige and the problems and ups/down married people have to go through as to feel your outsider "feelings" make it ok for you to snuggle into a married man's bed? You REALLY are fine with this?

His yo-yoing you is completely your own doing, and you know that. Feeling like you "love him" more than anyone else you've ever know is...well, sickeningly sweet, but meaningless. He's MARRIED.

A forum full of level-headed people who actually DO have your best interests at heart have pounded you with good common sense, cries for your sanity and good character to be restored. What do you do with it...you sleep with him again.

I'm glad you're walking away. Now your safe again...at least until this married guy gets horny again and wants some more, I'm sure then he will just "text" you some lovin' words and you'll melt like a chocolate typewriter. After all, guys are 100% truthful all the time, aren't they?

Just ask his wife!

Go back and read my first post, you need to develop some backbone, not to GET this guy, but to be a person DESERVING of a faithful mate. That's not you today. The solution is in YOUR improvement, not his "coming around and loving you back." That would just be you successfully ending a 2nd marraige.

I didn't go back to sleep with him, I went back because he said he was leaving to get a divorce.

[margarita_momma]

*SIGH* Well, as I posted earlier, you clearly have no issues with your own behavior. As long as a guy is willing to "say" he loves you and climb into your bed all attentive-like, you'll give it up to him, who cares if he's married or not?

You're divorced, and the FIRST guy you go after is a married man. Seriously? Setting your "feelings" for him aside (since they're irrelevant), you're OK with your behavior on this? Really?

I'm sorry your marraige ended, but do you actually have so little regard for the institution of marraige and the problems and ups/down married people have to go through as to feel your outsider "feelings" make it ok for you to snuggle into a married man's bed? You REALLY are fine with this?

His yo-yoing you is completely your own doing, and you know that. Feeling like you "love him" more than anyone else you've ever know is...well, sickeningly sweet, but meaningless. He's MARRIED.

A forum full of level-headed people who actually DO have your best interests at heart have pounded you with good common sense, cries for your sanity and good character to be restored. What do you do with it...you sleep with him again.

I'm glad you're walking away. Now your safe again...at least until this married guy gets horny again and wants some more, I'm sure then he will just "text" you some lovin' words and you'll melt like a chocolate typewriter. After all, guys are 100% truthful all the time, aren't they?

Just ask his wife!

Go back and read my first post, you need to develop some backbone, not to GET this guy, but to be a person DESERVING of a faithful mate. That's not you today. The solution is in YOUR improvement, not his "coming around and loving you back." That would just be you successfully ending a 2nd marraige.

Why do people like you lash out at people like Pink in this type of situation? I can understand if she was a woman on the prowl and was jumping on every man in sight, but she's not. She went through a divorce and was in a weak moment when this man came into her life. I went through the same thing after my divorce. I never slept with the guy but he was married and pursued me. He told me all the horrible things about his marriage and how unhappy he was. I was unhappy so we had something in common. We talked about my ex and his wife and how much they are sooo alike. I felt this deep connection with him that I never felt with anyone else. I ended the relationship after about two months because I knew it was doomed from the start. I could never trust him and I knew he would never leave his wife. His life was convenient for him. Why would he want to screw that up?

I am glad you are letting him go though, Pink. Men like that are only looking out for themselves. Find you a man that will love you for the wonderful person that you are and don't let any more pigs like him back into your life. Good luck hon. ;)

[Ash123]

This AIN'T over.

He will beg you to come back. You will consider. He will make promises. They will fall short.

If a man is in jail and promises to meet you for dinner - he may mean it, but he may not be able to...
He is at least a year away from getting his $hit together... and I'd say it will be more like 3. This will go on a while and I am glad you saw after I said it was "doomed" and you tried AGAIN... and he failed you AGAIN... how hard this is going to be... Distance will help... At some point you need to know ZERO about his life... and see him ZERO... after a year you both will see more clearly - whatever that is.

[katrina27]

I have been involved in a mess of a relationship with a married man for almost 2 years now. To say it has been a roller coaster ride is an understatement.

Bottom line is I love him and don't know how to let go of this. He tells me on a daily basis he doesn't love her but wants an amicable divorce. You have to understand his mother died and she has acted as his mother for a long time.

Would he really cheat and continue on with me if he still loved her? He stays out with me on the weekends, leaving her at home. Fights with her to be with me. We get along so well it's like we met at the wrong time. I talk to him almost everyday. But his wife is obsessed with him. After how bad the relationship is, she continues on acting like everything is ok. I am 29 and don't want to wait, but I don't want to let go if their is a possibility. Pushing him to make a choice has only pushed him away. He asked me not to talk about this everytime we are together, because he can't deal.

Do you walk away when someone tells you they are leaving for you, or do you wait? Please help, I am so depressed and can't sleep anymore.

You are the obsessed person. You are obsessed with a married man you cannot have. It rules your life you can't sleep. Your depressed. In short you are an .
You are the most vile disease women kind have had to deal with. The mistress. I hope one day when you have grown up and formed a normal relationship that a mistress visits your bed. What goes around comes around lady. And I use the term lady loosely

[pink816]

Why do people like you lash out at people like Pink in this type of situation? I can understand if she was a woman on the prowl and was jumping on every man in sight, but she's not. She went through a divorce and was in a weak moment when this man came into her life. I went through the same thing after my divorce. I never slept with the guy but he was married and pursued me. He told me all the horrible things about his marriage and how unhappy he was. I was unhappy so we had something in common. We talked about my ex and his wife and how much they are sooo alike. I felt this deep connection with him that I never felt with anyone else. I ended the relationship after about two months because I knew it was doomed from the start. I could never trust him and I knew he would never leave his wife. His life was convenient for him. Why would he want to screw that up?

I am glad you are letting him go though, Pink. Men like that are only looking out for themselves. Find you a man that will love you for the wonderful person that you are and don't let any more pigs like him back into your life. Good luck hon. ;)

Thank you. I figured there would be a few people who would lash out. But they don't understand the whole story. Or the fact that his wife accepted his cheating, since he got caught. It has been the hardest thing I had to deal with, you are so right when you say it was doomed from the start... And the connection part is another thing people don't understand. But I am letting go... Thank you again...

[pink816]

you are the obsessed person. you are obsessed with a married man you cannot have. it rules your life you can't sleep. your depressed. in short you are an .
you are the most vile disease women kind have had to deal with. the mistress. i hope one day when you have grown up and formed a normal relationship that a mistress visits your bed. what goes around comes around lady. and i use the term lady loosely

That is horrible what you said... You don't know what kind of person I am... I was asking for advice, not for someone to judge the kind of person I am. I guess you are "perfect" and never made a bad decision in your lifetime. I am not obsessed with anyone, and his wife accepted him cheating. I hope one day someone judges you the way you have judged me.

[pink816]

Why do people like you lash out at people like Pink in this type of situation? I can understand if she was a woman on the prowl and was jumping on every man in sight, but she's not. She went through a divorce and was in a weak moment when this man came into her life. I went through the same thing after my divorce. I never slept with the guy but he was married and pursued me. He told me all the horrible things about his marriage and how unhappy he was. I was unhappy so we had something in common. We talked about my ex and his wife and how much they are sooo alike. I felt this deep connection with him that I never felt with anyone else. I ended the relationship after about two months because I knew it was doomed from the start. I could never trust him and I knew he would never leave his wife. His life was convenient for him. Why would he want to screw that up?

I am glad you are letting him go though, Pink. Men like that are only looking out for themselves. Find you a man that will love you for the wonderful person that you are and don't let any more pigs like him back into your life. Good luck hon. ;)

Thank you once again... For all your help...

[JBeaucaire]

Pink (and Margarita),

If you manage to come off reading my posts and call them nothing but lash outs, then I apologize I wasn't more effective.

The forum is full of good-hearted people who will stroke you in your down time and wish you well.

For me, though, I believe people in this situation need some straight talk. I call the situation out onto the table and name it what it is. I have seen over the decades that this is ultimately more helpful to people who seriously want to do better with their lives.

It feels harsh, and I admit that. But this is just my version of grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you a bit to get your attention. Do you see that?

I am with everyone else here in that I post because I truly want you to succeed in life. But actions have real consequences and folks wallow in "feelings-talk" and miss the reality of what they're doing TO THEMSELVES.

Margarita, you and I are in agreement on how this is best handled, I just want to equip Pink with some thoughts she can use to STOP HERSELF next time she starts down this road. We all need some weapons to use in the battle, and a variety of weapons is better.

Make sure you read my words completely. Hear how much I want you to be a winner. Hear how clearly I think you can take ahold of your life if you behave nobly.

[JBeaucaire]

I didn't go back to sleep with him, I went back because he said he was leaving to get a divorce.

I know you did, and it's straight cause and effect, hon. Guys will say what they need to get their "horny on."

A man is what he does, not what he says. A woman is usually what she says, but actions still rule in the end.

If being with this guy is your goal, how about requiring all future communications be confirmed by asking his wife? He's getting a divorce? How about I call her and cofirm that? Or better yet, call me when you have a divorce. (confirm that with her, too)

I don't personally want to assist in the dissolution of another's marriage. Regardless of what he says to you, those two deserve to be given every chance to make it work. They made a life commitment to one another. If they're in the downs right now, they need help other than the kind you're offering him.

You two are just courting. You MUST see the difference, especially if your goal is to have someone make that commitment to you again someday. You do want your next relationship to be a winner, right? So honor the relationships of others.